How to know...

[tenchikoi]

This question is more for the guys. Since I'm a single, very available woman I've been talking to many guys that could possibly be relationship material. I'm slowly weeding out the ones that only want a fling or to mess around. Now, how is a woman to know that a man is genuinely interested in pursuing a long term, committed relationship? Do guys act a certain way or treat a woman differently from others they've been with? I'm just trying to better understand guys and grow as a person myself. Thanks for any advice you can give.

Oh, and nearly all of my male friends who are married are currently fooling around with different women. They confide in me, because I keep all their secrets. But for now, I've chosen to have no sexual relations with any man until I've found someone worth being with that loves and respects me for the wonderful woman that I am. I deserve that, as does everyone.

 

[SweetErika]

I'm not a guy, but I have some experience with genuine, nice guys.

This is a great question!

For me, it's a combination of talking with them at length (in person; I ask LOTS of questions AND see which/how many questions they ask me), spending a lot time with them in different situations, looking at their history (with friends, lovers, even seeing how they treat service workers), seeing if we have the big things in common and trusting my instincts.

Nice, genuine guys are usually very interested in sex, but they don't focus on it or push the issue.

Example: My husband rarely mentioned sex when we were getting to know each other and even refused to have sex with me when I was drunk for several years, for fear I might not feel good about it the next day. That irritated me, but it also showed me he had good intentions and was thinking of my welfare first. He was also a good friend and person in general. He was a gentleman, did nice things for me with no foreseeable payback, had values (e.g. he grew up with a strong sense of right/wrong and was very against cheating) and treated everyone well.

I went against my immediate instincts by sticking with him because I was very used to being used by players and liked how they came on strong and made me feel very wanted. He was different and I thought there was something missing, but realized in time that it was MY issue and I wanted and needed someone different who actually treated me well.

I measure other people by pretty much the same standards. I wait until there's a real emotional connection to have any kind of sex, partly because that's what's best for me personally, but also because I want to see if they'll stick around and are interested in more than sex. I insist on establishing friendship first. I also watch for red flags VERY carefully, try to see the big picture (e.g. by adding warning signs up instead of living in the moment) and end it if something feels wrong/off.

In the end, I still get burned by players and losers. BUT, it's usually a sunburn, rather than a second- or third-degree burn, and I can live with that. Like anything else, there's always some risk involved and you have to play to win. Every time I find someone who doesn't work, I figure I've learned at least one important lesson and am another step closer to someone who's compatible.

As for the cheating thing, you might want to consider getting some new friends. Not because your current cheating friends are necessarily horrible people, but because I tend to think those who are ethical and surround themselves with other people with integrity tend to attract higher-quality people. Maybe there's something about you that tends to attract the cheating type and needs to be rectified before you can find a partner who's not a cheater.

 

[BrickJunkie]

SweetErika mentioned lots of good points. Right now, I am VERY interested in this one girl. I'd do anything for her and she means the world to me. I've known her for quite a while, and lots of "high school incidents" happened since the time I've met her. However, I think she is worth it and bare with it no matter what.

The sex interest was a good point as well. I would love to have sex with this girl, but due to her past experiences, I don't know if she would regret it or not the next day. So, I just use some self control, and she notices. But it sucks because she doesn't want a relationship because of going away to school...

But to answer your question, basically show your flaws and see how he reacts. If he likes you even at your worst and accepts you in that state, then chances are he's in it for the long run.

 

[emap]

Erika covered almost all of it already so I'll be breif and cover the one thing she didn't mention, don't have sex with him for the first few dates. Obviously coming back for a second date means he at least isn't bored with you, but some guys will go back for a second date and expect sex, if he comes back for three and more then start thinking about it.

I say that because men are pretty predictable, if all he's looking for is sex, he won't not get it for more than usually two dates before moving on.

 

[Colton_White]

man is genuinely interested in pursuing a long term, committed relationship?

the guy interested only in fucking you but not a committed relationship..

1. he don't come to see / talk / call you regularly unless its going to be some sexual encounter. etc.
2. he 'deliberately' acts and talk sweetest to you on earth.


the genuine guy, want to see you frequently even without 'sex motive'
and he doesn't deliberately act sweet.

now that 'deliberate' act you can judge based on your sixth sense.

anyway,

My good wishes be with you finding the Prince Charming.

 

[fgarvb1]

Now, how is a woman to know that a man is genuinely interested in pursuing a long term, committed relationship?
.............................................................................................................................

Damned good question.

Lots of answers to that one.

Depending on age , experience and heartache well, it depends on the guy.

I would not say a thing until I checked her out nine ways from Sunday and her actions proved that she was serious about maybe getting into a committed relationship with the right guy.

If I really liked her I would spend some serious time with her and not just in the bed. When or if we reach the point we were getting serious enough I would bring up the subject of dating only each other.
Then proceed from there.

But I have trust issues.

 

[human_male]

Go out with the person for a long time (months) without sleeping with him. If he's just in it for the sex he'll get bored and move on. If he likes you for you he'll stick it out.


I wish you well.

 

[Duvet_Thief]

I went against my immediate instincts by sticking with him because I was very used to being used by players and liked how they came on strong and made me feel very wanted. He was different and I thought there was something missing, but realized in time that it was MY issue and I wanted and needed someone different who actually treated me well.

SweetErika: enjoyed your post.

But God, I wish this woman I've had a crush on for EVER felt the same way as you...

*sigh*

 

[sunandshadow]

Go out with the person for a long time (months) without sleeping with him. If he's just in it for the sex he'll get bored and move on. If he likes you for you he'll stick it out.

Men or women, I think its entirely reasonable to not know whether you want a long term committed relationship with someone unless you do sleep with them for several months. I myself have been in the position of wanting in general to be in a long term committed relationship and wasting a lot of time trying to make that work with the wrong person.

 

[chelleb]

I'm not a guy, but I have some experience with genuine, nice guys.

This is a great question!

For me, it's a combination of talking with them at length (in person; I ask LOTS of questions AND see which/how many questions they ask me), spending a lot time with them in different situations, looking at their history (with friends, lovers, even seeing how they treat service workers), seeing if we have the big things in common and trusting my instincts.

Nice, genuine guys are usually very interested in sex, but they don't focus on it or push the issue.

I'm not a guy either, and I think I'd have to agree with Erika. In my experience, those that care about you (rather than just sex), will spend a lot of time talking to you about you and about him. I've been talking to someone for about 3.5 months, and though we tease/flirt at times, it's definitely not the basis of what we talk about. And we usually spend at least 2 to 3 hours a day talking. He certainly seems genuinely interested in me and, for now, I have no reason to doubt that.

Edited to add: People always say 'you'll just know' and while I hate that particular expression, it really does seem to be the way it is most of the time.