How to...Help needed on this one...

[Missingmeds]

How do I explain to someone that because they misrepresented what they wanted and who they are that a relationship of any kind is out of the question with them for me?

This person has lied about what they wanted as far as a partner goes from day one. They also have misrepresented what they want as far as a playmate. It is sad really. I now have confirmed thru sources that this seems to be a pattern with them.

I want to confront them about it. I don't want to argue and fight. I just want them to stop doing this to people.

Suggestions, ideas, anything would be greatly appreciated.

 

[peachykeen]

I am thinking you need to be short and sweet on this one.

Tell them you are diappointed that they misrepresented themself to you and for that reason you are no longer interested in pursuing any type of relationship with them. And then, end it. No more phone calls, no more email, nada. Cut your losses and walk away.

I advise against bringing the 'they've dont this to other people before' angle into it. It's not about what happened with 'other people', it's about the two of you. Let the 'other people' worry about their own situation.

You say you want them to 'stop doing this to people' but top be honest, there isn't anything you can do about that. All you can do is make it clear what your feelings are and then shut the door. You can't teach anybody a lesson beyond that. It's a very simple lesson really, and your simply cuttig all ties is succinct and effective.

 

[fgarvb1]

They already know how they are and what they do, even if they are lying to themselves.

Nothing you are going to say will change them.

As for venting your anger that you believed them and was sucked in...Good luck with that. Depending on what they are they may secretly get off on it.

It takes a while to truly learn someone's ways and come to know them.

It is not what a person says, It is what they do in relation to what they say over a long period of time that counts.


Do I need to say been there, done that?

 

[sheath]

How do I explain to someone that because they misrepresented what they wanted and who they are that a relationship of any kind is out of the question with them for me?

This person has lied about what they wanted as far as a partner goes from day one. They also have misrepresented what they want as far as a playmate. It is sad really. I now have confirmed thru sources that this seems to be a pattern with them.

I want to confront them about it. I don't want to argue and fight. I just want them to stop doing this to people.

Suggestions, ideas, anything would be greatly appreciated.

Do confront them. Both of you deserve that.

Ask for an explanation. Don't accept excuses. Explanations of why they did what they did will help both you AND them realize the wrongs that have been committed.

And then make a choice from there. If the explanations are good enough, sincere enough, and it seems an honest effort to remedy a wrong, then you might want to reconsider cutting that person out of your life. But if they aren't sincere, don't seem to give a damn and just want to keep protecting themselves, then kick them to the curb. Fast.

People do make mistakes. It's how they handle the aftermath that really, truly counts.

It's something to consider. Good luck, MM.

S.

 

[Phoenix Stone]

But don't get sucked back into their excuses or lieing. If they truly come clean, make an effort, etc. fine. Or if you don't want to give that chance, that's fine too.

The best way I've found to make this kind of thing work, is doing what i think of as the 'buddah on the hill.' Smiling, perhaps sadly, sympathetic to all our human fallability, and distant. Up on that hill, in my own space and skin, and letting them remain in theirs, with no help from me. Not coldly, but warmly distant.

Don't know if this will work for you but just in case. I kind of take a deep breath and let go of any expectations or need for results. I just say what I have to say, as neutrally as possible, which can include hurt or anger, then wait. Without expectation. Does this make any sense?

You way might be to think back to what you did most productively in a similar situation.

 

[Cathleen]

How do I explain to someone that because they misrepresented what they wanted and who they are that a relationship of any kind is out of the question with them for me?

This person has lied about what they wanted as far as a partner goes from day one. They also have misrepresented what they want as far as a playmate. It is sad really. I now have confirmed thru sources that this seems to be a pattern with them.

I want to confront them about it. I don't want to argue and fight. I just want them to stop doing this to people.

Suggestions, ideas, anything would be greatly appreciated.

If you do decide to speak with them, and I would, just keep the conversation in the "I". I feel as though, I thought, I was, This hurt me when, etc. By keeping the conversation in the "I" you help yourself. We can't take anothers inventory of their actions only deal with our actions and reactions to theirs.

We all make mistakes, we all see things differently, and can look at the same action and see that differently. Keep the conversation focus on your feelings and actions. I think you will find it more fulfilling and powerful for you.

Sorry you have been hurt MM, all the best to you.

 

[Missingmeds]

Thank you all for your suggestions and I will let you know what happens when it happens.

Anyone else got anything to add to the already excellent thoughts and suggestions?

 

[Noor]

I would tell them what you have heard, how it makes you feel and then listen to what they say.

Unfortunately I have found that the truth often lies in the space between what people say, the old two sides of every story. Also your other sources may have their own feelings which may color their perceptions.

Well meaning friends may advise you but ultimately it comes down to you and this person, and what the two of you decide. No one else really can know what is between you.

So I would ask questions, listen to answers, tell this person what you want, what is acceptable and then see if you can live with the results.

Sometimes the strongest relationships/friendships come after adversity or problems.

 

[Missingmeds]

Well I said that I would post the outcome and I am.

The minute I said anything about being lied to this other person got all pissed off. Said that they hadn't lied to me. I wasn't confrontational about it, just said that I didn't like it and that it was hurtful and frustrating to me.

At that point I was told that the person that they are living with bitches about them being on the computer and on the phone so they had to go. This was all done via im.

But they didn't log off.

So I guess that answers that and I am done with it.

 

[midwestyankee]

Good for you.

 

[Missingmeds]

Thanks mwy. I know it gets tiresome hearing all the drama, but sometimes I really wonder what some people are thinking.

 

[midwestyankee]

Thanks mwy. I know it gets tiresome hearing all the drama, but sometimes I really wonder what some people are thinking.

The truth is, many people do not think at all when they enter into a relationship. They feel their way around just as they did when they were teenagers. Thought, as in reflection and planning and careful analysis, just aren't a part of their vocabulary.

Thought in a relationship takes effort. And this effort often is too taxing for people who are essentially self-centered or too undisciplined to lead an adult life. It's a shame that many of them resemble adults in so many ways. They'd rather survive on their frat-boy or pom-pom squad leader skills and let the rest of the world pay the consequences of their immaturity.

 

[Missingmeds]

"Not me" syndrome.

Nothing is ever their fault and they don't see their own immature ways.

 

[midwestyankee]

"Not me" syndrome.

Nothing is ever their fault and they don't see their own immature ways.

You are better off far, far away from someone like this. People with a character disorder such as this are an unmitigated pain in the ass to live with. DAHIKT

 

[Missingmeds]

Sweets, that one I know only to well. I spent 15 years with someone like this before I realized that it wasn't me but he that had the problem.

I was lucky in that I have such a strong self belief that he didn't totally ruin my self esteem.

I have seen others that were not so lucky.

 

[SXCRgirl]

MM,

You were right to confront this person. It's about you now. They lied to you and you have every right to get the answers from them (even if you know that you're not going to get a straight one anyway). If you didn't do that, you'll be wondering about it for a long time and frankly, they don't deserve that kind of attention.

I'm sorry that you're going through that now - but it's better than going through it at a later date. It would be more stressful and not to mention more painful.

 

[Missingmeds]

SXCRgirl,

I don't trust easily anymore. My thing and my baggage. But I still think that I deserve more respect than I would have gotten from this one. Lying to me is a sign of disrespect. They don't respect me enough to tell me the truth.

 

[sheath]

I'm sorry things didn't work out, MM. The immediate anger on the other person's part was an indication that it wasn't worth pursuing anymore.

There are still trustworthy people out there, and I'm confident you will find them.

S.

 

[SXCRgirl]

SXCRgirl,

I don't trust easily anymore. My thing and my baggage. But I still think that I deserve more respect than I would have gotten from this one. Lying to me is a sign of disrespect. They don't respect me enough to tell me the truth.

MM -

You deserve to hear the truth from someone who is going to be very close to you. We all deserve that. You're right to expect it.

I'm with you. It's very hard for me to trust anyone nowadays. I used to be very trusting, but after dealing with a few people who broke me of that habit, I can't seem to get back to where I used to be.

Hang in there. Things will get better.

 

[Missingmeds]

And just once in a while, cosmic justice uses that sick, twisted, sense of humor and the person that did the wrong thing, well it comes back to them tenfold....

I like that, especially when I can just sit back and watch it happen to them....