How to help a shy guy talk dirty?!

[PinkLace5]

I have been dating my boyfriend for close to a year now (we’re in our early 20’s). I have been in many unhealthy relationships prior to him. I usually date very outgoing guys. My boyfriend is kind, understanding, and considerate of me but more introverted and shy. He goes out of his way to do nice things for me. He shows me he loves me rather than telling me why he loves me. Unfortunately, he is not much of a conversationalist and this seems to carry into the bedroom. Let me explain.

I am very outgoing, verbal, and comfortable with my sexuality. I am used to being with aggressive men in the bedroom especially ones who enjoy talking dirty. The sex IS very good and he’s aggressive in his actions just not verbally. I have straight out asked him if he would talk dirty and shared what a turn on it is for me. I got nothing. I suggested trying through text messaging, phone conversation, or through IM thinking maybe it would be easier to work his way up to it. Still nothing. I’ve written him dirty letters or tried initiating and I still get nothing. I asked him if he wasn’t into it or if he felt uncomfortable doing it (in a nice way- don’t want to kill his ego) but I didn’t get much of a solid response. Now, I’m feeling overly aggressive trying to communicate with him and am afraid that I could be turning him off by bringing it up. I’ve backed off lately, but unfortunately, I really feel like I’m missing that part of my sex life. I was just wondering if anyone had any ideas (or has dated a guy like this or is a shy guy) about ways I could spice it up or make him feel more comfortable. Thanks in advance for listening/ giving advice.

 

[SweetErika]

Maybe it's just not his thing, and never will be. Or perhaps it's something he's not into now, but will warm up to somewhere down the road.

If you enjoy talking dirty, talk dirty. Maybe ask him questions that he can answer simply/in a way he's comfortable with (e.g. "Do you want to spank my ass and fuck my hot cunt with your hard cock?" only requires a "yes" or "no" kind of answer) and slowly incorporate different language into your vocabulary in bed. If he says anything that's closer to his boundaries or the least bit dirty, give him lots of positive feedback and encouragement.

In the end, though, you're going to have to decide whether or not this is a dealbreaker for you. Go forward with the assumption that he's not going to change, and see if you can be happy with that. If not, it's probably time to look for someone who treats you well AND fulfills your need for dirty talk.

 

[VFaulkon]

As a shy guy, I'd like to offer my opinion. Obviously I don't speak for all shy guys, but I think I have a good idea of what's going on.

I'm a sexually open-minded (and keenly interested) guy. I've roleplayed on this site and others, I have very vivid and intense fantasies of lovemaking and outright fucking, and I'm comfortably with the kinds of depravity you have you really dig deep into the internet to find. But when it comes to talking dirty?

*zzzzzip*

For me (and I have a feeling for your boyfriend as well) it's the fear of crossing that line in reality. Fantasizing is all fun and games, but if I were him I'd be afraid of saying something so frank and honest (and personal) that I'd either turn you off or upset you. At the same time, I'd be worried about starting too slow or soft with the nasty words...which again may turn you off or upset you.

You've told him you like the dirty talk. Have you been more specific? Again, in his position, I'd probably be more willing to risk it if I had a better idea of what's acceptable with you. Is 'fuck your wet pussy' alright? Or 'suck my cock, you dirty slut'? Where do you draw the line? If he knew that, he'd be more willing to act - he'd know how far to go before crossing that line.

If that doesn't work for you, I would suggest you do the dirty talking in bed. Tell him how much you love his hard cock in you, etc. etc., and stick with that for a couple of times - let him get familiar with what you generally like to say. After a few times, start asking him leading questions mid-coitus, preferably ones that require more than a yes/no answer.


In general, shy guys are slow to the party, but only because they don't want to offend the person they're with. And he sounds like he enjoys the sex, so I doubt that's the issue. Just be patient, let him get used to things, and maybe he'll - pun not intended - come around.

 

[Dreamliner]

It is a all about trust.

Expand his boundaries...slowly...work out, and only you will know what buttones to push here, what gets him ecited, sexually, and then work on expanding from there.

The odd porn vid might be of use as well, or porn vid site such as pornotud, red8 etc. There is a thread in the GB that has a lot of good porn live vids.

Have fun exploring and pushing out the boundaries.

 

[Noor]

I agree its about trust but also about learning and skill.

Believe it or not, I was/am verbally sexually shy. I still don't talk dirty exactly, I rarely use 4 letter words unless it is precisely what I mean but I am told I am a good cyber and phone sex partner so I think I do okay.

This book helped me Exhibitionism for the Shy

It helps give you a vocabulary which is a big help. My cyber guys also have been wonderful.

I would give him the book and maybe try some of the exercises in it, but don't push him. If he is anything like me, being pushed will shut him right down.

 

[Noor]

As a shy guy, I'd like to offer my opinion. Obviously I don't speak for all shy guys, but I think I have a good idea of what's going on.

I'm a sexually open-minded (and keenly interested) guy. I've roleplayed on this site and others, I have very vivid and intense fantasies of lovemaking and outright fucking, and I'm comfortably with the kinds of depravity you have you really dig deep into the internet to find. But when it comes to talking dirty?

*zzzzzip*

For me (and I have a feeling for your boyfriend as well) it's the fear of crossing that line in reality. Fantasizing is all fun and games, but if I were him I'd be afraid of saying something so frank and honest (and personal) that I'd either turn you off or upset you. At the same time, I'd be worried about starting too slow or soft with the nasty words...which again may turn you off or upset you.

You've told him you like the dirty talk. Have you been more specific? Again, in his position, I'd probably be more willing to risk it if I had a better idea of what's acceptable with you. Is 'fuck your wet pussy' alright? Or 'suck my cock, you dirty slut'? Where do you draw the line? If he knew that, he'd be more willing to act - he'd know how far to go before crossing that line.

You are right, nasty words can be a turn off. I find it more comfortable to talk about things specific to the person. I may want my lover to fuck me, but I don't really get into body parts that is my line. The whole " you are so tight " thing is kind of turn off too because its nothing to do with me or the interaction, its genetics, it just is, unlike being wet which is more partner related and situational.

It just occurred to me that what I think of as dirty talk and what the original poster thinks maybe different. I think anything sexual I would only want my lover to hear would be dirty to me.

 

[kaycee217]

Well put VFaulkon

 

[Zoots_owner]

You might try for a different style of talking dirty, like doing it conversationally. There's no reason it has to be like bits of porn movie script, unless that's the only kind you enjoy...

Get started, then ask him about fantasies, about dirty thoughts he's had lately, about what makes you good in bed (details, please!), things like that. I'm thinking that he will have some pervy things to say, with encouragement and slight coaxing. And that's a start.

Most guys have areas where their self-expression is limited, whether it's talking, dancing, singing, or whatever. They may not think about verbal self-expression in the sack, even though they almost always appreciate it when women get a bit loud! Guys sometimes need to have it pointed out that it goes both ways, that they shouldn't be more audibly appreciative when they're getting their back rubbed than when they're getting laid.

Between letting him know that you like to hear from him in bed, and getting discussions started there, I'm suspect that you can make some progress. Even if he never talks dirty like some of your ex BFs did, he may still develop a personal style that you like.

 

[PinkLace5]

Thank you!

Thanks so much for the wonderful advice! Faulkon, hearing things from your perspective definitely helps. I agree that if I do the dirty talking there is a good chance that he'll figure out what's cool to say and what's not. My boyfriend is very, very respectful so thinking about it now he may not be talking dirty because he is afraid he will say something that is insulting or "too far". He really could say a lot of things. I have told him that I prefer a "respect me but disrespect me in the bedroom" kind of attitude. And to answer Noor's questions, anything that my boyfriend would say to me during sex that had to do about me, him, or us I would probably get turned on by. He's the only one who I feel such a close connection to and who I would let talk to me that way which makes it special in its own right. My only fear is that I'LL freak him out or go to far with what I say haha. I mean, in general, how far is too far for a guy concerning dirty talk? I know it is different for every guy to an extent, but I wonder what the "general" opinion is.

 

[SweetErika]

Thanks so much for the wonderful advice! Faulkon, hearing things from your perspective definitely helps. I agree that if I do the dirty talking there is a good chance that he'll figure out what's cool to say and what's not. My boyfriend is very, very respectful so thinking about it now he may not be talking dirty because he is afraid he will say something that is insulting or "too far". He really could say a lot of things. I have told him that I prefer a "respect me but disrespect me in the bedroom" kind of attitude. And to answer Noor's questions, anything that my boyfriend would say to me during sex that had to do about me, him, or us I would probably get turned on by. He's the only one who I feel such a close connection to and who I would let talk to me that way which makes it special in its own right. My only fear is that I'LL freak him out or go to far with what I say haha. I mean, in general, how far is too far for a guy concerning dirty talk? I know it is different for every guy to an extent, but I wonder what the "general" opinion is.

How far is too far for a guy is going to depend on the guy in question. We all have our likes, dislikes and touchy issues. I'd generally stay away from anything potentially ego damaging or humiliating, unless I know my partner was specifically into that, but most of the men I've dated have been fine with just about anything else.

You should tell him he doesn't need to worry about disrespecting or offending you with anything he says dirty talk-wise. Give him concrete examples of what works for you and words/phrases you're fine with. Basically, take the fear/threat out of it for him, so he's not clamming up for fear of letting something that will upset you slip.

 

[MacLeod82]

Being a shy, considerate, polite boy, what worked on me was questions. "How do you like fucking this slut?", "tell me how much you like it". Ask him how good it feels, and talk him up while you do it. It'll build his confidence and leave him an obvious trail to follow, and eventually the training wheels come off. Blow his ego up when you talk dirty.

At least, it worked on me.

 

[Noor]

I like to hear guys voices and breathing change, and what they sound like when they come. I like different things with different guys, purring/growling can be nice.
Maybe just ask your guy to vocalize what he is feeling for a bit, that could open floodgates.

 

[Urguycliff]

Communication is usually the real problem in a relationship. As said it is a thing of trust. I don't like a girl to use four letter words in public, but I enjoy it now in sex or private emails or stories that girls and I send back and forth. But it took a while for me to get into it. I have had a relationship where the girl talked nice and dirty (like you and I mean that in a very loving sexual way, wish he knew how lucky he is) when we were making out and fucking. With girls before I was shy and didn't say the things I would of liked to say because it might not be their thing. I think the advice you received about asking questions using hot naughty words is best. Whisper in his ear that you don't want to talk in public or anyone else, but it is sexy saying nasty naughty things to him because he is your hot fuck and you want to be his pussy girl. Tell him you will be his lady in public, but behind closed doors you are his slut.

 

[kittyroissy]

quick question: how would you blow his ego up?

Being a shy, considerate, polite boy, what worked on me was questions. "How do you like fucking this slut?", "tell me how much you like it". Ask him how good it feels, and talk him up while you do it. It'll build his confidence and leave him an obvious trail to follow, and eventually the training wheels come off. Blow his ego up when you talk dirty.

At least, it worked on me.

 

[infinity706]

Well, if it were me, I'd say come up behind me, pin me to the wall, and say "Get down on your fucking knees and suck my goddamned cunt until I tell you to get up and fuck me like a $20 whore." That would automatically get you fucked. Now, most guys might run away screaming, though.

As for him, you might just want to tell him how good he makes you feel, how talented he is with his mighty cunt spear, that sort of thing.

 

[just for fun]

Communication is usually the real problem in a relationship. As said it is a thing of trust. I don't like a girl to use four letter words in public, but I enjoy it now in sex or private emails or stories that girls and I send back and forth. But it took a while for me to get into it. I have had a relationship where the girl talked nice and dirty (like you and I mean that in a very loving sexual way, wish he knew how lucky he is) when we were making out and fucking. With girls before I was shy and didn't say the things I would of liked to say because it might not be their thing. I think the advice you received about asking questions using hot naughty words is best. Whisper in his ear that you don't want to talk in public or anyone else, but it is sexy saying nasty naughty things to him because he is your hot fuck and you want to be his pussy girl. Tell him you will be his lady in public, but behind closed doors you are his slut.

Excellent post and may I add.

Guys want a whore but they want a good girl wife or girlfriend and some guy's have a hard time blending the two together. I was like that many years ago and in my case it was all upbringing, on the bright side sounds like he knows how to respect a woman.

Time trust and communication

Well, if it were me, I'd say come up behind me, pin me to the wall, and say "Get down on your fucking knees and suck my goddamned cunt until I tell you to get up and fuck me like a $20 whore." That would automatically get you fucked. Now, most guys might run away screaming, though.

As for him, you might just want to tell him how good he makes you feel, how talented he is with his mighty cunt spear, that sort of thing.

LMAO
I don't know that there's too many guys that would turn that down.

 

[subwannabe]

Wow! There was all kinds of good advice on here. Kudos to everyone! Many of the posts were different but any one of them could be correct. The OP is the only one who will be able to figure it out. In the end communication will be the key.

 

[Jack_Craver]

I am very outgoing, verbal, and comfortable with my sexuality.

another dream girl of every man.
I wish you good luck.

 

[dark_tipped_rose]

crossing a line

all the above might not be it. A lot of men feel like a woman who says talk dirty won't really like it. I think we've all head jokes by men about why is it a women like you to talk dirty, but as soon as sex is over, its " what did you call me? I don't think so!"

he probably thinks thats what'll happen and he doesn't wanna fall in that hole.

just my opinion.

 

[LittleBitMagic]

Oh yes

I would love for a guy to talk a little smutty to me.
Maybe not so much as in name-calling, but seriously hot talk.
If we could get it all in one package...
good relationship-Check
love and mutual respect-Check
We would have it all!

 

[LibraStud]

I found that many women love to get down and dirty when they get hot. They wont admit it at first because all women want to be respected. But once you figure out how to treat them, they become putty in my hands - and we are off to some wonderful lovemaking.

I could use a little dirty right now!

 

[TrueFox]

I'm very open with my sexuality, but I'm also very shy.

I think that people who suggested asking questions are right on. I've had trouble talking dirty in the past, even when I was thinking dirty, and it was because I was afraid, not because I didn't have anything I could say. If you give him a general realm of what is good to hear from you, he will know what to say to you to get you hot. If he's coming up with things out of his own head, it's very likely he'll be too afraid to actually say them out loud, even when you are doing the huge amount of things you're already doing (which I think are quite sexy, by the way).

 

[DenverFunguy]

He could just be in love with you, and by talking dirty to you feels like he is degrading the woman he loves. Give him time to warm up to it he might want to read all this to see how much you want it and how it could help you both!

 

[mike_confident]

I have been dating my boyfriend for close to a year now (we’re in our early 20’s). I have been in many unhealthy relationships prior to him. I usually date very outgoing guys. My boyfriend is kind, understanding, and considerate of me but more introverted and shy. He goes out of his way to do nice things for me. He shows me he loves me rather than telling me why he loves me. Unfortunately, he is not much of a conversationalist and this seems to carry into the bedroom. Let me explain.

I am very outgoing, verbal, and comfortable with my sexuality. I am used to being with aggressive men in the bedroom especially ones who enjoy talking dirty. The sex IS very good and he’s aggressive in his actions just not verbally. I have straight out asked him if he would talk dirty and shared what a turn on it is for me. I got nothing. I suggested trying through text messaging, phone conversation, or through IM thinking maybe it would be easier to work his way up to it. Still nothing. I’ve written him dirty letters or tried initiating and I still get nothing. I asked him if he wasn’t into it or if he felt uncomfortable doing it (in a nice way- don’t want to kill his ego) but I didn’t get much of a solid response. Now, I’m feeling overly aggressive trying to communicate with him and am afraid that I could be turning him off by bringing it up. I’ve backed off lately, but unfortunately, I really feel like I’m missing that part of my sex life. I was just wondering if anyone had any ideas (or has dated a guy like this or is a shy guy) about ways I could spice it up or make him feel more comfortable. Thanks in advance for listening/ giving advice.

Your boyfriend is afraid of premature ejaculation.
When you're having sex he's focused on lasting an hour and being a sex hero rather than connecting with you emotionally.

 

[Beck31]

It is possible he is just uncomfortable with dirty talk. Plus he may see it as degrading you.
I was involved with someone briefly who liked dirty talk. I couldn't do it and she sought another.
Perhaps start with PG-13 and gradually incorporate your likes and dislikes letting him get used to it.
I disagree that it has anything to do with the fear of premature release. It doesn't. That is my 2 cents.