How to handle the relationship outside of marriage

[thrity]

I usually work out of town for weekdays and come back home at weekends. I rent an apartment at that city. Someone calls it a 4+3 lifestyle: 4 days staying alone in another city and 3 days at home.

I often, of course, feel lonely at that city, and as most of men, I like beautiful women. I guess it’s understandable, right?

I dated a girl living in the same community where I rent the apartment, where I spend 4 nights a week. I knew her by neighborhood BBS, then we emailed each other for two days, then had our first date the day before yesterday.

I already told her I would go back to other city at every Friday, I guess she should know I had a family before our date. Anyway, it seemed she tried to avoid this topic.
We had a nice day together, she even invited me to walk along the bank of the river beside our community, where is usually considered romantic in our culture.
We were both very happy, although we didn’t even hold hands.

Coming back home last night, I sent her an email, confessed that I have a family, and I hope she could be my friend, we could spend some time together.
I got no response so far, I don’t know whether she is busy or just offline.

I found I miss her. I even don’t care about sex, she is young, open mind and talkative, she is just that kind of girl who men of my age need. I would be happy if she could just be my friend.

I should tell her truth later? I know It’s very tough to pretend being single.
I don’t know how to handle this situation: should I call her last week, should I keep calling her if she declines my invitation?

 

[Ezzy]

Tell the truth and hope she still wants to see you.

But you are risking it all for some fluff, make sure you are ready to give up your family should it come out.

 

[deepsleep]

Would you talk to this "friend" the way you talk to her while your wife was around? The best thing to do is imagine your wife is by your side, watching, at all times while you are conversing (or whatever else) with this lady. Would your wife think this is OK? Would you covet this friend that way with your wife knowing about it? I would tell your wife about it and clear it with her first.

Even though you supposedly haven't had sex with this lady, it seems as though you are emotionally involved with her. This to me is risky. If you are that lonely, then maybe there is a way you could rearrange you job situation. Something has to give. Leave your wife and pursue other options, or change your job situation. One of the other. You can't have both.

 

[SweetErika]

I'm going to be very honest and give you some good (IMHO) advice, thrity.

I often, of course, feel lonely at that city, and as most of men, I like beautiful women. I guess it’s understandable, right?

Completely understandable. Of course feeling and acting are two different things. Feeling lonely and horny is understandable, cheating on your wife (I assume she has no idea you're with other women) is not in my book.

I already told her I would go back to other city at every Friday, I guess she should know I had a family before our date. Anyway, it seemed she tried to avoid this topic.

So you told her you'd be gone, but why didn't you tell her you had a family? She was supposed to know or assume?

Coming back home last night, I sent her an email, confessed that I have a family, and I hope she could be my friend, we could spend some time together.
I got no response so far, I don’t know whether she is busy or just offline.

Or she doesn't like men who lie/leave out important details. Maybe she doesn't want to be involved with a man who has a family. That's understandable, right?

I found I miss her. I even don’t care about sex, she is young, open mind and talkative, she is just that kind of girl who men of my age need. I would be happy if she could just be my friend.

I should tell her truth later? I know It’s very tough to pretend being single.
I don’t know how to handle this situation: should I call her last week, should I keep calling her if she declines my invitation?

Well, do you really NEED that kind of girl, or do you just WANT one like her?
Yes, you should have told her the truth from the start. Lying isn't a good way to start a friendship. You shouldn't pretend you are single because you're not, and doing so could hurt other people.

How to handle it: You sent an email. If she wants to talk to you, she'll email or call you. Do not call her. Do not keep calling or emailing her.

If you absolutely insist on having a girlfriend, be honest with the women you meet. It's disrespectful to not give them the opportunity to decide whether or not they want to be friends, date, or fuck a married man.

 

[thrity]

Thank you all for the kindness.

I couldn't tell my wife, she would not stand it at all.
Theoretically, I know I shouldn't cheat my wife, I just can't help, I guess most of men are selfish.

Maybe I could try to call her just once next week, SweetErika, you know Chinese girls mostly are not kind of initiative.

 

[thrity]

Good news

I just got her email, she said she already guessed I was married, because there also some people in her company who get back home at weekends.
She hope I could enjoy the time with my family.

She said she could be my friends, also she doesn't want I'm lonely,so she would try to have me getting involved to her social circle, she will tell others that I’m her English language tutor.
I know I have to keep a balance.

 

[emap]

You should tell your wife about your new 'friend' if there's nothing to it besides someone to talk to there should be no problem at home.

However, you are showing signs of being attached to this woman, that is not good. It could be as simple as your lonely and need someone to talk to, or it could be infatuation, which generally leads to lust which is very bad for a guy to have about someone besides his wife.

I'm guessing that you or your wife doesn't have a working phone, since a daily phone call usually means your not lonely.

Personally I think you should exhaust the options you could have for spending more time talking or physically with your wife before you start seeing other women to not be lonely.

Side note: Your english grammar and sentence structure needs work.

 

[thrity]

Side note: Your english grammar and sentence structure needs work.

Yeah, I know, I'm tryiny my best, however, English is my second language.

 

[Cathleen]

Thank you all for the kindness.

I couldn't tell my wife, she would not stand it at all.
Theoretically, I know I shouldn't cheat my wife, I just can't help, I guess most of men are selfish.

<snip, and added bold emphasis>

Thirty - yes you can help it. There is no biological reason that a human must cheat on their partner. I agree it is about being selfish. Think seriously before taking a huge step that could ruin your marriage and family life.

I think your friend is being quite nice to try to bring you into her circle of friends to add some social activity to your lifestyle.

(In my opinion you do very well with your English, it is a difficult language. Even as my first language it can be a tough one.)

 

[thrity]

(In my opinion you do very well with your English, it is a difficult language. Even as my first language it can be a tough one.)

Oh, Cathleen, what you said really made my day, thank you.
Languages are not easy, I believe only small percentage of Chinese people can write in Chinese very well, I mean Chinese language, not English language.

I'm a little surprised by the responses from you people, I used to think people in the states or western people are more likely open-minded, are more casual about sexuality.

Believe me, it's really very hard to get divorce in China, you may get a lot of pressure from your family, friends and social circle, you may also get a lot problems, such like financial, eduaction of kids etc.
So, the divorce rate here is not so high, compared to that in the states, but a very large percentage of marriages couldn't be called happy marriages.

I married my first love, my marriage is not so bad, not so good either, it would hurt my wife, my kid and me very much if we get divorce, so I don't want to so far.
So, it turns out that I would never ever have chances to enjoy love?

I'd love to keep my marriage, raise my kid, and get involved a little with other women as well.

I hope you could understand me.

 

[Seduce]

First you say

I married my first love,

and then

So, it turns out that I would never ever have chances to enjoy love?

Does it mean you never ever enjoyed love with your wife, or you just got a bit tired of her and searching for someone else?

You seem very determined to have an affair and I doubt that anything anyone writes here would make you change your mind......
I dont know why, but all you wrote just made me pity your wife..... I wonder how would you act if she started to look around for some fun of her own......

Anyway, my opinion is that lies and cheating destroy relationships sooner or later and I very much doubt you could have fun with other women and keep your marriage intact.
But that is just my opinion.

Btw, English is my second language as well....... sometimes is so hard to express myself...... hope you got my point...... *sigh*

 

[emap]

I can see what you are saying, and I sort of agree with you. However I also think you should see if you can rekindle that spark you had for your wife before you do something like that.

You don't have to answer these questions, they are just there to get you to think. When was the last time you did something special for or with your wife? I'm not talking sex here, could be as simple as giving her flowers type special. When was the last time she did the same? Who was the last person to do it? Why did you stop assuming you did. Why are you not in love with your wife anymore?

There are more questions to be asked of you, but I'm thinking you can think of them yourself.

I have one other thing to point out, you love your son, don't you think you owe it to him to at least try and have a loving two person marriage so that he doesn't grow up exactly like you. In many ways that's a good thing, your intelligent and I assume hard working, however generally a son will grow up to a bit more one way or the other than his father. So if you have aloving family life, he will either have an even more loving family life or less of a loving family life. Now if you force your wife to accept an open relationship, with or without her knowledge, your son will find out, along with her if she doesn't know already. Men talk in their sleep and during sex, mistresses name will pop out eventually.

Your grammar is improving, you should spend more time on literotica, perhaps look through the romance stories section and find new ways to sweep your wife off her feet.

 

[thrity]

I can understand your guys' points.
Lives are complicated, I should have had got dirvoced if I had no kid. (is my grammar correct for this sentence? ). My son can't leave his mom, my wife gets much less money than I do, it turns out she couldn't raise our son solely if I divorce. I have to pay for the mortgage on our apartment, even I give up everything I have after divorce, she still could make sure a decent life for our kid. on the other hand, I have to pay for my kid, and save money for another apartment or even another family, then I could live better.

I know I should try to love my wife more, it's also very hard, she always keeps me upset for nothing, she always complains, I'm not here to say it's all her fault, maybe we just don't match any more. It's totally different when I'm with that girl.

 

[DarkMuse]

What about counselling?

I always say, when you start thinking about cheating, it's time to evaluate your relationship, and if it's worth staying in it and either a) lying or b) being unhappy.

It's never right to cheat. If you have an open relationship, then I don't see a problem with that, but since your wife doesn't know, I don't see that as fair to her or the girl.

 

[Lynxie]

What about counselling?

DarkMuse raises an interesting point. Have you thought about trying to salvage your marriage and make it better? You say your wife was your first love. Have you tried to rekindle that love? If you are not happy in your marriage, then I believe it's your responsibility to either fix your problems, or dissolve the marriage. Cheating's not an option in my book.

I understand that you're looking for happiness and emotional fulfillment, but I do not understand why that cannot come from your own family. If you do not love your wife anymore, can you really say that you're giving your child the best environment in which to grow up? It's true that divorce would have a social impact on your life, but you need to think about your child's life. I'm not familiar with the laws in China, but if you got divorced would you be paying child support?

In the US, divorced parents are expected to pay a certain percentage of their income that would go towards the welfare of the child. If laws are similar in China, your child would be financially supported, but would not be raised in a home full of resentment, arguments, and deceit.

In my opinion, cheating is synonymous with cowardice. If you would be happier with another woman, you should be man enough to tell this to your wife. It's more respectful to be honest than to lie to yourself, your wife, and your child and continue pretending that everything's alright.

 

[SweetErika]

Oh, Cathleen, what you said really made my day, thank you.
Languages are not easy, I believe only small percentage of Chinese people can write in Chinese very well, I mean Chinese language, not English language.

I agree with Cate...your English is excellent. I work with non-native speakers, and always tell them if native speakers can understand what they're saying most of the time, they're doing an excellent job.

I'm a little surprised by the responses from you people, I used to think people in the states or western people are more likely open-minded, are more casual about sexuality.

You must remember you're not talking to a cross-section of American or Western society, though. People at Lit are a lot more open than the average Westerner, and that often extends to everything, including being open and honest with their partner/spouse. To me, cheating is a form of being closed regarding relationships and sex.

Believe me, it's really very hard to get divorce in China, you may get a lot of pressure from your family, friends and social circle, you may also get a lot problems, such like financial, eduaction of kids etc.
So, the divorce rate here is not so high, compared to that in the states, but a very large percentage of marriages couldn't be called happy marriages.

I married my first love, my marriage is not so bad, not so good either, it would hurt my wife, my kid and me very much if we get divorce, so I don't want to so far.
So, it turns out that I would never ever have chances to enjoy love?

I'd love to keep my marriage, raise my kid, and get involved a little with other women as well.

I hope you could understand me.

I don't pretend to know your culture, thrity, but I do know it's very different, and many of the things that work here don't translate. You could however work on improving your marriage and the way you see your wife. Maybe it's part of the culture, but it seems like you have a very selfish view...try focusing on what she wants for awhile and see what happens.

I'd be interested to hear how cheating is viewed in your culture...is it common or acceptable for men to have affairs? What about women? Do wives often just assume and accept their husbands are cheating?

Is it possible your wife would be open to you having a girlfriend?

 

[emap]

Thrity you said it right, except it should be gotten not got and your spelling on divorced was a bit off.

The complaining thing, she may be complaining because it's how she is, some people just like to complain. They are easy to spot, if say you get a hotel room exactly how they wanted it and they wander around a bit to find something to complain about it, they are a complainer.

The trick to those is listen to their voice, if they are sounding mad and upset, they are actually not happy with something, if they are just saying it, feel free to ignore. I must point out, unless she is complaining about something you did, agreeing with her is the bext choice, they complain to get attention, so if you give her attention, she will be happy. Make it into a joke, like say she's complaining about all the pollution in the air, just yell out 'hey pollution get lost'

Also you should sit her down alone, just you and her and calmly ask why she is complaining so much. She may be unhappy because her best friend in school is doing better, the moron at her job got a raise not her, and so forth. Many times why someone is unhappy isn't because of anything bad with the relationship, though in your case it may be.

 

[Cathleen]

Thirty, you are rationalizing. You want to have a mistress, while I wouldn't help you to do that, I cannot stop you. Your original question was how to handle a relationship outside of marriage...... umm, carefully!

I don't know what the consequences would be to you, your wife and son if your outside relationship was made public, but you might want to think about that before pursuing one.

The divorce rate is high here in the US, but that doesn't mean we (western cultures) are immoral or unprincipled. It just seems to be easier here to get a divorce.

You do deserve love, you are the one that must make this decision and live with the results it may cause - think carefully, at the very least for your son.

 

[bertrande]

I usually work out of town for weekdays and come back home at weekends. I rent an apartment at that city. Someone calls it a 4+3 lifestyle: 4 days staying alone in another city and 3 days at home.

I often, of course, feel lonely at that city, and as most of men, I like beautiful women. I guess it’s understandable, right?

I dated a girl living in the same community where I rent the apartment, where I spend 4 nights a week. I knew her by neighborhood BBS, then we emailed each other for two days, then had our first date the day before yesterday.

I already told her I would go back to other city at every Friday, I guess she should know I had a family before our date. Anyway, it seemed she tried to avoid this topic.
We had a nice day together, she even invited me to walk along the bank of the river beside our community, where is usually considered romantic in our culture.
We were both very happy, although we didn’t even hold hands.

Coming back home last night, I sent her an email, confessed that I have a family, and I hope she could be my friend, we could spend some time together.
I got no response so far, I don’t know whether she is busy or just offline.

I found I miss her. I even don’t care about sex, she is young, open mind and talkative, she is just that kind of girl who men of my age need. I would be happy if she could just be my friend.

I should tell her truth later? I know It’s very tough to pretend being single.
I don’t know how to handle this situation: should I call her last week, should I keep calling her if she declines my invitation?

If you love your wife and aren't looking for an affair then maybe you should consider working closer to home or moving your wife and son closer to your work.

Most affairs (even ones that start out innocently with just friendship) will end up with you having to make a choice, family or lover - sometimes the choice is taken away from you because your family finds out or your lover falls in love with you and it gets really messy. As has been pointed out make sure you can cope with losing your family because it may come to that.

 

[LadyJeanne]

I know I should try to love my wife more, it's also very hard, she always keeps me upset for nothing, she always complains, I'm not here to say it's all her fault, maybe we just don't match any more. It's totally different when I'm with that girl.

Try to look at things from your wife's perspective. When a husband travels for work, it is always harder on her than it is on him. She is alone taking care of your son 4 days a week, and when you come home, I'm sure you're tired and you don't have the energy and desire to take care of her like she needs. She is probably complaining about everything because she is stressed out and unhappy and lonely and misses you when you are away. Then if you are distant with her when you are home, she is even more unhappy and lonely. She takes care of everything in your home, including your son. She keeps your life running smoothly when you are away. That can be very stressful and difficult to do.

When you got married you made a commitment to the relationship and to your wife. You deepened that commitment to spend the rest of your life with her when you had your son. That commitment means you have to do some work to make the relationship a good one instead of turning to a mistres.

Keep in mind that things are fun with your girl because you only see her for fun. She doesn't do your laundry or feed your son; she is young and has not yet taken on the responsibilites of a wife and mother.

You should honor your commitment and be a man that your wife and son can respect.

 

[Ezzy]

If you love your wife and aren't looking for an affair then maybe you should consider working closer to home or moving your wife and son closer to your work.

If your wife can't earn enough where you live weekends could she earn more if she work where you work now?

Is it sex away from the family you are looking for or the company of your family that you are missing now, and are attempting to replace with the girlfriend?

 

[tiwolf]

You should tell your wife about your new 'friend' if there's nothing to it besides someone to talk to there should be no problem at home.

However, you are showing signs of being attached to this woman, that is not good. It could be as simple as your lonely and need someone to talk to, or it could be infatuation, which generally leads to lust which is very bad for a guy to have about someone besides his wife.

I'm guessing that you or your wife doesn't have a working phone, since a daily phone call usually means your not lonely.

Personally I think you should exhaust the options you could have for spending more time talking or physically with your wife before you start seeing other women to not be lonely.

Side note: Your english grammar and sentence structure needs work.

Are you the resident English "red pen" police? Let they who make no grammatical errors strike the first "red marks" The gist of message was conveyed! Even I who am far from proficient recognized poster as ESL

Criticize not, lest ye be criticized!

 

[thrity]

I guess I’d better share a little more of the background of my family.
My wife is a high school graduate, and I could speak English fluently, so, I got the chance to work with an American company, it’s the reason that my salary is much high than hers, I mean it’s nothing to do the location of jobs.

She is learning English language in an open college, three nights a week.
My elder brother house-sits for me, then my wife doesn’t have to spend too much time on housework.

Maybe our personalities and education background cause our problem, although I don’t mean it’s her to blame.
It’s more like that we are live together, raise our kid together, we could get along with each other, that’s all.

As for the girl, we kept going out for 3 days this week, we had a good time together, I still never touch her hands (Her hands are very beautiful, I guess they are suitable for play piano). I even don’t think about sex too much.

She is very talkative, I love just watching her while she is talking.
She doesn’t want that I get psychologically involved with her too much, she warned me to be careful to be with her. She is a kind, warm-hearted girl, she is not a slut, she doesn’t like to hurt my family.
She is trying to introduce other friends for me, but they are always busy. For example, she invited two of her friends to go hiking with us, then it turned out they went swimming by themselves in stead.

I guess we couldn’t stay with each other everyday while I’m in that city.
I don’t want to give her pressure, it’s fine to be friends forever.

I couldn’t say affairs are very popular in China, but people would think it’s barely acceptable if his or her SO don’t know, especially when she or he was working out of town for quite long time or in a regular basis.
Guess what? If a mean has a mistress, people would admire him even more, people would at least think it’s none of their business.

I was also my wife first love, there’s a good chance she is or used to get involved with other man from her classmates of the open college, I’m not sure it was in a psychological or physical way. I found she seemed to lose her mind sometimes at home. I just ignored that, I don’t care if she could enjoy the time with some man.

Open marriages are unlikely acceptable in China, although some people do it. It would be strange if couples make such agreement, and affairs would be totally boring if there are no secrets.

 

[Cathleen]

and affairs would be totally boring if there are no secrets.

Ah, this tells quite a lot I think. Is this the 'Forbidden Fruit' idea?

Is the rush or thrill of having an affair the draw for you?