How To Get Over Him

[anotherblonde]

Hi--

Long time lurker, first time poster. I'm posting here because I've seen all the great advice that people have gotten and I could use some myself.

About 3 months ago this guy who I had been seeing for about 1.5 years started to become distant and didn't seem to be as talkative or as emotionally close as usual. I figured it was because we hadn't seen each other in a month because of my school and work schedule and his work schedule, we were never free at the same time.

I sent him his birthday present because I wasn't going to see him but I thought it might cheer him up and remind him that I was still here for him and really cared for him. He called me and thanked me for the gifts and we were able to meet December 13. On December 12 he called me and said his buddy wanted to take him out for his birthday, and while I was pissed at first, I told him to go because we could meet the 14th.

On the 13th I called him and left him a voicemail telling him how much I missed him and how I couldn't wait to see him and how we were going to have fun when we finally saw each other. At about 10:30 that night I received an e-mail from him, he forwarded me some pictures. I thought it was odd that I had called him at 10 and had gotten no response, but he was able to e-mail me. I texted him and asked him if everything was okay, and what was going on.

At that point he told me that he was seeing someone else and that his new girlfriend didn't appreciate me texting him and calling him all the time, so we were no longer allowed to speak to each other.

Obviously, I was very upset and couldn't believe what he told me. I called him and he told me that it had nothing to do with me, it was just we hadn't seen each other in a while and this girl lived above him and they started seeing each other. He said that I was so sweet, kind, and very giving and that's what made me great. I sobbed for about a week straight, but then started to get better about it.

The problem is now, I started seeing someone else but I can't stop thinking about my ex. All I do is wish that I was with him, and all I think about is how I'm never going to find someone who acts like him, or treats me the way he did, etc etc. He got in touch with me a few weeks ago and spent all day Valentine's day texting me. We went out for coffee a week ago and I was *okay* with it but it made me realize how much I actually miss him and how perfect he was for me.

Tonight, I told him that I really miss him and that I want him back. He told me that he has a girl and I need to move on. I honestly thought that he still had feelings for me because of the texting on V-Day (shouldn't he have been out with his girlfriend??) and all the talking we've done over the past few weeks.

So (sorry for all the background info) how do I move on from him? I really miss him and I really want him back but I realize it's not going to happen. I told him how I feel and how I want to get back together, but he keeps reiterating the fact that he has a new girlfriend. I'm on spring break this week, so i planned a vacation to try and clear me head and be away from him for a while, but what else can I do?

Should I tell him again how I feel? How can I stop comparing other guys to him?

Sorry for all the info, I think I also just needed a place to let it all out.

Thanks for reading, and thanks in advance for all the advice.

 

[InertiaCreeps]

In my opinion, you just need to give it time. It seems like he's moved on, and its something you have to work at. The best way to do it is just...give yourself some time to get over it. Go out with friends. Take up a new hobby. Get involved in some organization who's cause you care about. Just to get you back to having fun while being single, and to take your mind off things. Eventually you'll find yourself having moved on. You don't say if he's your first love, but if he is, you won't ever full on forget him. You just will remember what good times you had, but hopefully will be at a stage where you can love someone else.

I'd suggest giving yourself time before getting in any relationship, so you're not always comparing other guys to him. Its unfair to any guys you date if you are still hung up on your ex. I hope that its not something you mention often to the guy you're now seeing. I've been in that situation, and I felt like I had to try to live up to the ex. I felt unsure of if things could last because at the start I felt like I'd be dropped immediately if her ex said he wanted to get back together. Seriously...just slow down, don't rush things, if it helps, avoid any and all contact with your ex if that's what it takes. It hurts like hell. We've all been there. But you'll come out stronger in the end. I hope this didn't come off as rambling too much.

 

[oxphocker]

You know...I've actually been in the same situation as you have been, except I'm a guy. It sucks and totally blows. To be honest it makes it very difficult to trust people again and to this day I occasionally think about 'that girl'. Some people are real shitheads and self-centered because they decide to pursue the greener grass without considering the person they leave behind. It really shows the person's true character and if it makes you feel any better 'that girl' ended up doing the same thing to two other guys...so I wasn't the only one. I've found that the best thing to do is realize that they aren't as great as you think they are and at some point hopefully things will work out in the end.

You can go the masochistic route and still keep in contact and try to be friends or just point it out for what it is, call him a slime of a human being, and be done with it. It truly sucks and it feels like a part of you is constantly dying but life doesn't really play fair. Best of luck to you, I know I'm still looking for someone to fill that void...

 

[A_Kefka]

Don't just sit home thinking about him. That won't help. Try to have fun, do things you like with friends. I'd also suggest cutting yourself off from him. Trying to hang out and be friendly with someone you still have feeling for will just bring them back up. Maybe you can be friends later, but for now it will make things worse (I'm speaking from expirience with this part).

Also, he sounds like a bit of a dick. I could be wrong, but you say he started seeing her before breaking up with you, and only bothered to really break up because you trying to get in touch was pissing off the new girl. Also, he is seeing her, but spent all of valentines day trying to get in touch with you? kinda seems he is trying to keep you around in case things don't work with her. Thats not fair to either of you, you deserrve someone who is going to be there for you completely.

 

[Cathleen]

Welcome to "de-lurking" Lit. I'm sorry for your heart ache.


I'd stop all contact. I dislike the way he broke things off and played the "girlfriend doesn't want me to talk to you" card. It's weak, especially given the length of your relationship.

The events of Valentine's Day doesn't sit well with me at all, either. What the hell was he thinking, or not thinking? Mean and hurtful come to mind easily. A_Kefka mentioned he might be trying to play both ends here and it wouldn't surprise me at all, it looks it anyway. His actions seem uncaring and selfish. His "perfectness" will fade with time. Clearly his recent actions bear this out.

I like InertiaCreeps (welcome to Lit to you too) idea of becoming involved with an organization you care for, even a few hours would be great. There are so many people yet to met, some may even be far better for you.

Try some different ways of doing the same thing. I figure you're in college so maybe switch up some study habits, go to the library instead of studying alone maybe. If you're in the dorms, go to dinner at a different time -- just do something different. It'll keep your mind focused on the moment/task at hand.

Most importantly is to stop communicating, IMHO. It gives the pain a way to stay alive, you need to cut the life supply.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I agree that it would be better to stop seeing him, at least for now.

Focus on the way he broke up and imagine how you would feel if you got back together and he did the same again in a few years.

 

[subwannabe]

I am going to give you great advice but it is going to sound cold and calice. You would be a total idiot to EVER take him back. This is the kind of relationship you want? Even if he did take you back you're looking at the very same thing happening all over again in the future, after which you will have the very same feelings of wanting him back. Don't be an idiot. Move on. Maybe your current boyfriend is not the answer. One day you will find the answer and it won't be with this first jerk. One thing most people just don't understand is that you don't HAVE to have a boyfriend at all right now. Maybe it's time for a break and find a hobby to keep you busy.

 

[quietwoman187]

About 3 months ago this guy who I had been seeing for about 1.5 years . . . On December 12 he called me and said his buddy wanted to take him out for his birthday . . . On the 13th I called him and left him a voicemail telling him how much I missed him . . . At that point he told me that he was seeing someone else and that his new girlfriend didn't appreciate me texting him and calling him all the time, so we were no longer allowed to speak to each other . . . The problem is now, I started seeing someone else but I can't stop thinking about my ex

Hey Another Blonde,

I'm really glad that you decided to post about that rather than keeping it bottled up. Hopefully, we can help you out. Based on your post and as others posted ahead of me, this guy definitely sounds like a class-A jerk. I feel the need to go through the words he said to you and the deeds he did towards you to further highlight it. I think you already know it, but hopefully, this well help you think it through.

You dated this person for 1.5 years. However, rather than dignifying a relationship of that length with a direct face to face break up, he texts you and tells you to 'sod off' as he's found someone else. That's disrespectful and shows he isn't placing you in the light he should. If you dated him at the same time he found this person, it indicates he was cheating on you and you don't want someone like that. Next, he tells you he's going to spend his birthday with a male friend. What guy would prefer to spend his b-day with another guy (if it was his buddy and not his new 'gf') as opposed to the love of his life? Looking over his actions, he sounds slightly passive-aggressive. He doesn't directly tell you that he doesn't want to see you, he does it through text. He doesn't tell you _he_ doesn't want to see you, but his 'girlfriend' doesn't like it. In both cases, he's foisting off responsibility.

To be quite honest, this sounds like a case of 'He's Just Not That Into You' - And I highly recommend both the book and the film.

I'm a bit concerned that you're more interested in this guy who has consistently mistreated you as opposed to the guy you're seeing now. It doesn't sound like this guy is 'perfect' you, but perfect at using his disinterest to make you more interested. Even if you don't have any interested in the guy you're currently dating, maybe it's a sign not to go back to your ex but to either a) find another guy you're interested in or b) take time to yourself.

I don't want to seem too presumptive as I don't quite know you, but I feel you should perhaps talk to someone about this. While what you've experienced is the universal guy/girl experience, I think you need someone to talk it out with thoroughly human-to-human to help you realize that this guy is a total jerk and you deserve better, be it friends, family, or whoever.

I think this guy is just using you as a stand by in case his relationship with the new girl doesn't work out. And it seems as if it's that's how he relates to people. Although you probably don't want it, you should try for a clean break. Delete his number from your cell & put up an e-mail filter to automatically filter out his messages.

I think clearing your head for Spring Break is a good idea. Once you return home, try to stay in that mentality. Try to get out more often in the next 2 weeks when you return from break be it a coffee house, the library, or a club. And, if you can, re-connect with old friends & maybe post a personal on-line (not necessarily of the LE kind, but in the match.com world )

Anyways, good luck & take care o' you -

 

[Xerxes82]

As other posters have said, just give it time. And make a clean break while you can!

Last year I got out of a relationship that had lasted nearly SIX years with a woman that I really thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. It was hard, although I recognize that it was the best decision for both of us at that point. I thought about her all the time, even when a few other women showed some interest, and I just couldn't think of anyone else in that way. But you know what? It took time (nearly a year, for me) but then one day I found myself daydreaming about a new girl. It wasn't even conscious. Just one day I was "over" the ex and ready to move on.

So just take some time to yourself, focus on having a good time with friends, and let nature take it's course.