How To Get My Sexual Confidence Back?

[LaOrca]

Long story short, my partner and I have been together three years and have a 25 year age difference. I couldn't love him more and am extremely sexually attracted to him. The problem is we had a lot of issues over the course of our relationship that had nothing to do with our age gap. Basically, he had a very difficult upbringing and really no serious relationships (though he had very much wanted one). Thus, a lot of baggage came into play on his end and triggered mine. We have been seeing an amazing counselor for a little over a year and she has helped tremendously. We also just incorporated an amazing sex therapist. However, I would still like some advice outside of those avenues.
You see, I haven't had a lot of sexual experiences and those I had were overall very negative. This relationship was the first time I ever felt truly alive and totally opened up my heart. For once, I let all of my "armour" down and lost any shame or painful feelings that I had towards sex. I was fully in love and became a nympho for the guy. I tried everything to get him going. I felt so sexually empowered. However, due to his issues, he unintentionally rejected me and our sex life has been almost nil. Through the therapy, he has really opened up more and now realizes that what I was offering him is wonderful, exciting and healthy. He wants that old me back. I totally want to be that person again but now I feel totally self conscious and shameful. I don't want to. I think it's just a fear of more rejection partially. I have explained this to him.
Has anyone been in this situation before? Any suggestions on how to find that part of me again and free it? It is very depressing for me because I feel like I lost that sexual confidence...

 

[LuciousLadyMary]

Long story short, my partner and I have been together three years and have a 25 year age difference. I couldn't love him more and am extremely sexually attracted to him. The problem is we had a lot of issues over the course of our relationship that had nothing to do with our age gap. Basically, he had a very difficult upbringing and really no serious relationships (though he had very much wanted one). Thus, a lot of baggage came into play on his end and triggered mine. We have been seeing an amazing counselor for a little over a year and she has helped tremendously. We also just incorporated an amazing sex therapist. However, I would still like some advice outside of those avenues.
You see, I haven't had a lot of sexual experiences and those I had were overall very negative. This relationship was the first time I ever felt truly alive and totally opened up my heart. For once, I let all of my "armour" down and lost any shame or painful feelings that I had towards sex. I was fully in love and became a nympho for the guy. I tried everything to get him going. I felt so sexually empowered. However, due to his issues, he unintentionally rejected me and our sex life has been almost nil. Through the therapy, he has really opened up more and now realizes that what I was offering him is wonderful, exciting and healthy. He wants that old me back. I totally want to be that person again but now I feel totally self conscious and shameful. I don't want to. I think it's just a fear of more rejection partially. I have explained this to him.
Has anyone been in this situation before? Any suggestions on how to find that part of me again and free it? It is very depressing for me because I feel like I lost that sexual confidence...

Not knowing your ages it's kind of hard to answer. 25 vs 50? 30 vs 55? Different dynamics for each possibility. From what you posted though, it seems to me he's not open to the "new" you at all. He'd rather have the repressed version. It's hard to put the tiger back in the cage.

 

[LaOrca]

I am 35 and he is 60.

Actually, he does want the "new" me and the tiger back out of the cage. He wasn't ready for it the past few years (I think fear and insecurity caused that) but now he is dying for it. That's where it's hard for me. I know I want to be a tiger again but my mindset changed. I feel so self conscious now. The shame crept back in. When he unintentionally rejected my gestures and I felt judged, over time I lost my "groove"

 

[LaOrca]

I certainly hope so, Nick. It took me a long time to find "her" and no time to hide her away. I really love and desire this man. I think it's like the tables turned. I almost feel how he used to.

 

[Iris_66]

For what it’s worth, and it’s only my 5 cents

In a way, the first step is to accept and love yourself

This is something many of us here have struggled with, with our various kinks, sexual tendencies etc

In a way it’s a bit like a diving board at the swimming pool - I can’t jump, I want to jump, I can’t jump; once you jump and land safely in the water, you want to do it again

I guess, from what you said, you want to have a wild sex life, but are afraid of rejection, after being rejected before

I was the same, my first wife totally rejected my kinks and shattered my confidence, messing me up for years. When I ‘came out’ with my kinks with my lover, it was a huge leap of faith, but I am so happy I did

I don’t feel able to advise you, but from what you say, your hubby now feels he ‘missed the boat’ and wants to embrace your collective sexuality. You want to be that sexualised person, but fear more rejection. Maybe it’s time to hold hands, talk lots, and jump together - be that tiger you want to be

I certainly hope so, Nick. It took me a long time to find "her" and no time to hide her away. I really love and desire this man. I think it's like the tables turned. I almost feel how he used to.

 

[Jada59]

For what it’s worth, and it’s only my 5 cents

In a way, the first step is to accept and love yourself

This is something many of us here have struggled with, with our various kinks, sexual tendencies etc

In a way it’s a bit like a diving board at the swimming pool - I can’t jump, I want to jump, I can’t jump; once you jump and land safely in the water, you want to do it again

I guess, from what you said, you want to have a wild sex life, but are afraid of rejection, after being rejected before

I was the same, my first wife totally rejected my kinks and shattered my confidence, messing me up for years. When I ‘came out’ with my kinks with my lover, it was a huge leap of faith, but I am so happy I did

I don’t feel able to advise you, but from what you say, your hubby now feels he ‘missed the boat’ and wants to embrace your collective sexuality. You want to be that sexualised person, but fear more rejection. Maybe it’s time to hold hands, talk lots, and jump together - be that tiger you want to be

I was going to say the same. Self love! Does wonders! Also take it one day at a time, one minute at a time. Put the past behind you and realize that the future hasn't arrived yet. Stay in the here and now. Live it. It feels good now because it is. Don't blow it by focusing on the past. Acknowledge it then let it go.

 

[LaOrca]

Thank you all for the thoughtful responses. I appreciate it. I very much agree with the self love aspect. I have actually been discussing that with both counselors. I definitely need to work on that. I also think there is just a deep sense of hurt that was triggered in me by my partner's issues (not that I certainly don't have mine) because I too have been through a lot of painful experiences. There may be a bit of a sense of "you hurt me a d now you want the best I had to give back"? Again, the reality is that he never meant to hurt me. I know that. I guess anger just gives us a false sense of power. We feel like we now have control but like one counselor said, anger is false power. Real power is self love and inner peace. I have to stop being afraid of past pain l, let it go and try again.

 

[littlecordelera]

With all due respect, if you truly believed he never meant to hurt you, then your feelings of rejection would not exist. And your anger is a sign that you do, in fact, feel a healthy sense of self-worth. He owes you more than an apology. He owes you proof that he will never hurt you like that again, and that will take time, assuming he is willing.

You want to love him, but now you are uncertain. I think that is wise. He is trying to blame his actions on his baggage, which is an old, worthless excuse. I suggest you proceed with caution.

 

[gonewrong]

I agree with littlecordelera. Peopel are slow to change, and snap back to the old easily. He's hurt you, whether he'd intended to or not. He messed it up, he's gotta put it right. Have him come up with a way to make it up to you. Better yet, have him come up with a list of things to make it up to you, and have him work at it until you get your groove back. Working on your own issues is all good, but unless you are deeply convinced he won't repeat his mistake, you won't be able to relax into it, you'll just be going through the anxiety again and again, letting it take deeper roots. Make him prove it. Doesn't have to be anything horrible. Coffee in bed every morning, foot massage in the evening, whatever it is that makes you feel appreciated and wakes up the tigress