How to get into "The Lifestyle"

[priscillapriscilla]

Wife and I are looking to meet a couple from the same financial demographic with similar likes and interests to first become friends then add bedroom benefits.

Catch is we're pretty private. We will never set foot into a swingers club or anything like that plus we're each others first and want to remain disease free. Ideally this would be a long term arrangement.

Would love to hear from anyone in the community thats either tried and failed or tried and managed to pull this off.

 

[mikendel]

Wife and I are looking to meet a couple from the same financial demographic with similar likes and interests to first become friends then add bedroom benefits.

Catch is we're pretty private. We will never set foot into a swingers club or anything like that plus we're each others first and want to remain disease free. Ideally this would be a long term arrangement.

Would love to hear from anyone in the community thats either tried and failed or tried and managed to pull this off.

Adult friend finder is a good start.

 

[suestevenson143]

Adult Friend finder

 

[littlecordelera]

I suggest Swinglifestyle.com. The website is dedicated to swinging, so it's not full of a million singles looking for a casual hook up. Also, it allows you to control the level of privacy you want, and you can limit your searches to a particular demographic and/or geographic area.

Understand that at some point you will have to exchange pics. No one is going to meet you without seeing pictures first. Make sure your pictures are good and up-to-date. When you meet another couple, ask them to "certify" you. This is a process where they add a note to your profile that you are really who you say you are. This will increase your opportunities greatly.

If you have additional questions, you are welcome to send me a PM.

Good luck!

 

[xcelerator]

clothing optional resort

Wife and I are looking to meet a couple from the same financial demographic with similar likes and interests to first become friends then add bedroom benefits.

Catch is we're pretty private. We will never set foot into a swingers club or anything like that plus we're each others first and want to remain disease free. Ideally this would be a long term arrangement.

Would love to hear from anyone in the community thats either tried and failed or tried and managed to pull this off.

Me wife and I got started by going to an all inclusive, clothing optional resort in Mexico. We had a blast, and have now been there 3 times. The odds are quite unlikely you will encounter anyone you know sine there are only 85-100 rooms in the resort. If you want more details, message me.
Good luck.

 

[lilmissholliex]

It depends where you're from I suppose. Is FabSwingers not the go-to place in some areas?

 

[_Delilah_]

Wife and I are looking to meet a couple from the same financial demographic with similar likes and interests to first become friends then add bedroom benefits.

Catch is we're pretty private. We will never set foot into a swingers club or anything like that plus we're each others first and want to remain disease free. Ideally this would be a long term arrangement.

Would love to hear from anyone in the community thats either tried and failed or tried and managed to pull this off.

Both my s/o and I have dabbled in this in previous relationships and I hate to burst your bubble but it can be rife with pitfalls for even the most well intentioned and open communicators. Not that we were either of those, but once you are in it, if you can pull back and look without the rose coloured glasses, the realities of this in a LTR don’t seem to jive with the hype. Somebody is always the one being dragged along by the other or else they both already have one foot out the door. IMHO

 

[MsMischka]

Wife and I are looking to meet a couple from the same financial demographic with similar likes and interests to first become friends then add bedroom benefits.

Catch is we're pretty private. We will never set foot into a swingers club or anything like that plus we're each others first and want to remain disease free. Ideally this would be a long term arrangement.

Would love to hear from anyone in the community thats either tried and failed or tried and managed to pull this off.

I know two couples who were each other’s firsts who then dabbled in the lifestyle. Both are now divorced, ending 20+ year marriages. This is not easy territory to navigate. Mismatched expectations and opportunities can lead to irrevocably hurt feelings and long-lasting consequences.

Try going to a resort. Openly flirt, and bring that energy back into your own bedroom. There’s no set timeline to accomplish what you are proposing, and dipping your toe in like that may help you better define what it is you are looking for, and why.

 

[DWW]

Agree with both 6/23 posts

We tried swinging when in our late 20s and 30s - with very mixed results. We had some good times but too often found couples only one of us was into. We also attended house-parties where only the male in a couple had any intention of swinging and often quickly sought out a partner and headed for a back bedroom and left the rest of the guys to figure it out with the reluctant female(s). (Good house party hosts knew how to control that crap which I suspect could be an issue at some of the resorts though I have never been to one.)

I like the reply from Ms M a lot and wished now that I had gotten and listened to that advice when we were swinging. In the lingo they call it a soft swap - flirting, touching, kissing and perhaps even a little oral but then back to the SO’s for the rest. I think we would have had a lot more fun most of the time that way.

 

[jbgarcon]

The advice here is good. Although I never did this, I know of friends who have, and of the three couples I know who played this way, they all ended in divorce. Ms M has the best advice.

Or go virtual, and play online in a forum like FetLife. There are a lot of couples who play there, and there are even meet-ups for couples by region that are organized. While in this space, you can remain anonymous, posting anonymous pics while developing virtual relationships with others of like interests and minds.

Watching (together) some of the vids & pics that are posted can also open a dialog between you and you SO.

It may also be a way to dip a toe in the swinging lifestyle without drowning in it.

 

[Rockwell12]

I'd be interested to know the scenarios that led to divorce. Did someone fall in love with the third party? Did someone get too jealous? Were these rock solid relationships prior or people trying to save a fading marriage? Did the divorced couple end up getting together and starting a relationship with the play partner?

 

[NightL]

Wife and I are looking to meet a couple from the same financial demographic with similar likes and interests to first become friends then add bedroom benefits.

Catch is we're pretty private. We will never set foot into a swingers club or anything like that plus we're each others first and want to remain disease free. Ideally this would be a long term arrangement.

this sounds way too intense - sounds like needy relationship seeking. If you strike up such a friendship bond it may become messy if one person has second thoughts on the direction.

How would you react if the next time you were in company you witnessed your wife flirting? How do you think she would react if she saw you flirting?

If you are indeed both on the same level ask your wife to contribute her thoughts on this thread? Does she know you have this Lit account? Does she know you have posted this question?

There are other environments beyond strictly swingers clubs where you may meet couples of similar intentions. Find a club more about dressing up - may not have sex on premises. If you attend regularly you have the chance of building up friendships gradually and test out how you cope with the flirting thing.

You both have to be on exactly the same level with this, not one partner coercing and the other attempting to please - quick way to end your marriage.

Somewhere along the line there will require flirting to let your intentions known. You write as if you are a very reserved person - you really need to consider if this is really something you wish to attempt.

In my experience flirtatious people attract similar - but by saying "we're each others first" it appears that neither of you have much prior experience in that area. If, however, you both consider each other flirtatious and are comfortable then it should be of no surprise to those already around you. There may be people in your circle already who desire the same. If you openly display mutual affection toward each other in front of others then pay attention to how they react.

Always be open and honest with each other. Check in with your partner from time to time that the direction is comfortable and desired. If there is the slightest of doubt then stop.

 

[jbgarcon]

I'd be interested to know the scenarios that led to divorce. Did someone fall in love with the third party? Did someone get too jealous? Were these rock solid relationships prior or people trying to save a fading marriage? Did the divorced couple end up getting together and starting a relationship with the play partner?

In one case, the wife who is my friend, told me that she did it to keep her husband happy, and although it was a little exciting at first, ultimately it dawned on her that she wasn't "enough" and said she didn't want to play anymore. He eventually left her for a woman he knew through work who was a year older than their oldest daughter (mid-20's).

The next couple seemed to have a "perfect" relationship on the outside, but it appeared that they already had issues before they started to play in the lifestyle. The woman left the man (my friend) for a younger guy she had met at a nightclub.

I didn't know the last couple very well - but she would tell me around the water cooler at work that her husband was always a little jealous when men flirted with her. She was a work colleague and had openly mentioned that she and her husband were swingers. She had left the office I was working in before I could learn what happened. I heard 2nd hand that they got a divorce.

IMO it could work for some, but you need to have a very well centered relationship.

 

[Rockwell12]

^^^ thanks. Those are cautionary tales for sure. As someone who shared the OP interest in starting, it sounds like it takes a lot of soul searching and discussion.

 

[soflabbwlvr]

Wife and I are looking to meet a couple from the same financial demographic with similar likes and interests to first become friends then add bedroom benefits.

Catch is we're pretty private. We will never set foot into a swingers club or anything like that plus we're each others first and want to remain disease free. Ideally this would be a long term arrangement.

Would love to hear from anyone in the community thats either tried and failed or tried and managed to pull this off.

The wife and I were in the lifestyle for approximately 15 years. We were close before, and are closer now. At first we were not interested in couples; our involvement was a result of our search for a single bi-female (the unicorn of the swinging community).

We used various resources that are no longer in existence, but eventually we found our unicorn and enjoyed a great threesome. The search for a second opportunity led us first to clubs, where we found mostly frustration. Quite by accident we found ourselves in a situation where we discovered we were open to playing with couples. This led to the use of another resource, a website called SDC.com (Swingers date club).

We met a several couples and a couple unicorns, and mostly had a pretty good time with all of them. I was interested in meeting as many couples as possible, but the wife was more interested in finding a small group of couples similar to us. After a few years, we struck gold.

About 6 years into our lifestyle adventure we met a couple with whom we hit it off tremendously. They introduced us to another couple, and in no time we were in group of six couples, all close to our age, all professionals, and truly great people. We partied together, played together, vacationed together, attended holiday gatherings together-- they became some of our closest friends. We got together frequently, sometimes for sex but most often for other stuff that friends do together--dinners, pool parties, family events, everything.

Sadly, our group eventually disbanded. Two couples divorced. (One had nothing to do with swinging--she was not in love with him, and swinging probably prolonged the marriage a few years. The other was sex related -- he was much kinkier than her- she liked swinging, but he went to extremes). Another couple moved out of state, and another developed health problems and cut themselves off from everyone. But for eight years we had a great time, and we are still very close to two couples even though we don't fuck each other any more.

You probably know swingers who are very happy and successfully managing the lifestyle. Swingers are extremely discrete, and do not advertise their activities to non-swingers. You only hear about it when things blow up. We were a group of professionals in medicine, finance, law, etc.

You don't mention your age or where you live. Both of those factors are important in creating or limiting your opportunities and resources. Send me an PM if you would like more information.

 

[Rockwell12]

That sounds great. Like the OP I have an interest, but we are also professionals and just very private people. If we were to meet a couple and a friendship developed, that would be great, but I think I could also be happy, playing on vacations and such.

We'd be too afraid to try anything close to home, but one question is, what sites looking for couples and single men would allow you to search for folks in other cities or states? It's be great if there was also a system which people would vouch for others they've played with so you have some recommendation instead of going in blind. Just trying to buy or sell a car on Craigslist makes you realize how many flakes are out there in the world. Are the sites similar to dating apps where both parties "swipe" on people they find interesting and they match or do people just reach out to profiles that interest them?

 

[soflabbwlvr]

That sounds great. Like the OP I have an interest, but we are also professionals and just very private people. If we were to meet a couple and a friendship developed, that would be great, but I think I could also be happy, playing on vacations and such.

We'd be too afraid to try anything close to home, but one question is, what sites looking for couples and single men would allow you to search for folks in other cities or states? It's be great if there was also a system which people would vouch for others they've played with so you have some recommendation instead of going in blind. Just trying to buy or sell a car on Craigslist makes you realize how many flakes are out there in the world. Are the sites similar to dating apps where both parties "swipe" on people they find interesting and they match or do people just reach out to profiles that interest them?

Look at AFF, SLS, and SDC, all of which permit out of town searching and all referenced in this thread. To be successful you will need to get a paid membership. Sites with free memberships are overrun with fakes, picture collectors, and single men posing as couples for thrills. Paid sites have some of the these parasites also, but less of them.

You will need to fill out a profile. The more info you include, the better. You should plan to post pics of the two of you also. Clothed, nude, singly or together, the more pics the better. You can hide or obscure your faces and identifying tattoos, but if you don't have pics you will get very little traffic. Be prepared to share facial pics prior to meeting anyone. You can always exchange those privately. No one will meet you without seeing what you look like first. Have recent photos, not 10 year old photos when you had more hair and weighed 20 lbs less. Have reasonable expectations. If the two of you are not 10s, don't expect to meet 10s. Which is not to say you have to be 10s to be successful; rather, find couples at your level. You don't have to look like a porn star to fuck a luck a porn star.

Know your limits and discuss them with your partner and with others you meet. Do this before playing. And don't be surprised if your limits change over time, but always discuss with your partner. Trust is crucial.

 

[Goodguylxviii]

My experiences would say that sofla is dead on in the dynamics and how to meet couples. As far the being involved, the two of you have to be sure of your boundaries and be committed to sticking to them. You have to communicate-we “download” after everything we do and decide what worked for us and what didn’t if so. We seek couples that are fun in and out of the bedroom, respect our limits, and are more to us than play partners. They are friends first. When we have an interest in a couple, we meet and have no intention of playing on that first meeting. Finding a match is as hard as sofla described-most couples you meet won’t work for you and/or you won’t work for them. You take those situations gracefully and accept that it’s hard to match four people together. When you do meet a couple you get along with though, it is fun and exciting. You have to have a good relationship, and if not this will not fix it. Always make your partner’s feelings your priority.
The true lifestyle sites allow for privacy as described. As for being “outted”, the people you meet are just as concerned about their privacy as you are yours. Most couples are in strong relationships that enjoy the ability to share their sexuality with other people with similar interests. The feeling of not being judged for being sexual is very good. You’ll meet the same people you meet anywhere else, just with a sexy secret.

 

[Rockwell12]

Thanks for the replies. Sounds like great advice.