How to get better at sex?

[ToxicPeach]

I do ok at sex but I feel like he is doing most of the work. I want to get better at pleasing my man. I've tried reading articles and watching porn but I'm still having a difficult time.

I am a heavier girl and it is hard for me to get in some positions and hold myself up when riding (girl on top).

He is some dom and mostly vanilla. So I just want to get my blow job and sex skills up to par. Especially dirty talk! I get so anxious when I have to talk during sex.

I haven't had many partners so I have very little experience.

I do play out some of his other fantasies but they don't require a lot of skill (Mostly mind control).

I guess at the end of the day I don't want him to do all the work and I want him to crave having sex with me, you know?

If anyone has suggestions or, even better, instructions (lol) that would be great. Thanks.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

Not knowing you two - especially you - it’s hard to give a precise answer. That you are asking however suggests that you’re likely to succeed in the end. (And the journey’s going to be fun, too!)

There are endless strategies, of course, depending on what pleases each of you. First rule is to never do anything which has you repulsed or upset. Whatever you do, you should be doing because you are enjoying it - or at least enjoying pleasing him.

That said, let’s see…

Don’t worry too much about Technique. That will come with experience. More important is that he know you are trying and enjoying - and enjoying him.

Most book stores have a Relationships section, by whatever name. Many have books on sex games. Put on a pair of dark glasses and check it out.

You could ask him to pick a porn video for you two to watch together. It’s likely he’ll choose one with the actors doing something he enjoys - there’s a clue right there. Ask him to tell you how he feels as the movie plays, what turns him on especially? Taking it further, you could try reenacting it.

You could try role-playing. Be the Curious Innocent Virgin on her first night. Ask him to explain what’s happening. Or be the Lady Pirate - everybody likes pirates.

Be a little daring - take him for a picnic in a secluded spot and let Love do its thing. If you make him lunches to take to work, include a gift-wrapped condom. Buy him a penis-shaped chocolate bar (available on-line) for Valentine’s Day.

Sexting. ‘Nough said…

Take him lingerie shopping. (That can be a lot of fun because it builds up steam without any chance of immediate satisfaction.)

If you’re out on a date, quietly hand him your panties and ask him to keep them in his pocket for you.

Don’t be shy about initiating sex or just touching him. Giving an unexpected back rub or foot rub is a Very Good Thing, even (especially?) if it doesn’t lead to sex.

You say he’s part Dom? Play to it. Buy a cheap dog collar and leash, peel down, put on the collar and silently hand him the leash.

Paradoxically, give him some space. Men get crowded very easily.

Above all, make sure he knows you like him, his bod and what he does for you!

Good luck.

 

[Lady2020]

Practice, like anything else. Don't put pressure on yourself. Try to relax and have fun.

 

[davion2308]

Honestly, the conversation should be with him, not with us. we can give general ideas and I'll say "Try to want to be there," but for specific performance, ask your fella.

"Hey, I'm trying to please you and be good at this but I feel like I can get better. What else do you want or what else can I do?"

Have that conversation but do it out of the moment, when you two are sober, not having sex, and you can be clear-minded. That conversation can be open and comfortable if you're accepting of critique. Offer up an idea for what you want as well, so it's a two-way street. You're half the relationship and your needs have to be met as well.

 

[Athalia]

Try to get outside your comfort zones. Has he performed cunnilingus on you? Have you ever asked him to? Have you tried the "ruined orgasm" trick on him? Have you frankly asked him "What's missing?" Has he asked you that? You might surprise each other with your answers.

 

[J_Bone]

Great advice about talking with your partner. Open communication, while maybe sometimes awkward, is always sound advice.

That said, the best lovers I've ever had, while obviously all different in a myriad of ways, all had one thing in common. That is that they were extremely or totally uninhibited when it came to sex with little self-consciousness about their body despite any of its imperfections, perceived or otherwise, and either zero or very little sexual hang-ups or reservations. Also not at all apprehensive to ask for what they wanted or say exactly what they were feeling (see: dirty talking). Confidence like that is sexy, freeing, and in my opinion makes for better sex.

 

[NaughtyPartyGirl]

Watch porn. I know much of it is staged, but you'll learn a lot about oral sex, positions, foreplay, etc. Some of the amateur sex videos are realistic and not so staged. And get a dildo to practice with. Isn't that what moms tell their daughters?

 

[luckyseven]

Practice, like anything else. Don't put pressure on yourself. Try to relax and have fun.

Talk with your partner. Find out if they aren’t happy, find out what they would like. Sex isn’t two individuals doing sex at each other. It’s people doing sex together.

Honestly, the conversation should be with him, not with us. we can give general ideas and I'll say "Try to want to be there," but for specific performance, ask your fella.

"Hey, I'm trying to please you and be good at this but I feel like I can get better. What else do you want or what else can I do?"

Have that conversation but do it out of the moment, when you two are sober, not having sex, and you can be clear-minded. That conversation can be open and comfortable if you're accepting of critique. Offer up an idea for what you want as well, so it's a two-way street. You're half the relationship and your needs have to be met as well.

You can’t get better advice than what has been said by the above contributors - open and honest communication is the key. You are equal partners, and don't be pressured into doing things you are uncomfortable with.

 

[Athalia]

And get a dildo to practice with. Isn't that what moms tell their daughters?

Not my mom.

 

[oneblueye]

I do ok at sex but I feel like he is doing most of the work. I want to get better at pleasing my man. I've tried reading articles and watching porn but I'm still having a difficult time.

I am a heavier girl and it is hard for me to get in some positions and hold myself up when riding (girl on top).

He is some dom and mostly vanilla. So I just want to get my blow job and sex skills up to par. Especially dirty talk! I get so anxious when I have to talk during sex.

I haven't had many partners so I have very little experience.

I do play out some of his other fantasies but they don't require a lot of skill (Mostly mind control).

I guess at the end of the day I don't want him to do all the work and I want him to crave having sex with me, you know?

If anyone has suggestions or, even better, instructions (lol) that would be great. Thanks.

Sex isn't any different than anything else that one would wish to get better at performing. And the answer is ALWAYS the same...
The way you get better at sex is the same way you get to Carnegie Hall: PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE.

 

[Seadog777]

Communication and willingness to try anything that isn't against your morals and ethics.

Open up to him and talk about your concerns and what you want out of it.

If he's worth a damn, he'll listen to you, he'll alleviate your concerns, be open and honest with you as well.

Like stated above, Practice makes perfect.

 

[Wonderer67]

I think most peoples responses have been spot on. Communication, patience and practice. I guess the only thing I’d add is don’t be afraid to make mistakes! The best way to learn is by making mistakes and finding out what works and what doesn’t.

 

[Acktion]

In my experiences and studies (yes, really), the overwhelming majority of people run into problems when they take themselves too seriously. That sense of awkwardness? Yeah, that's typically a symptom that you are trying too hard. And worrying about how you look or sound. It's that teen (or possibly tween) thing where we start worrying so much about "being cool" that we forget how to play and have fun.

The bedroom is the adult version of a playground. Give yourself permission to look and sound "uncool" and remember how to play.

I'd be the last to knock research. Hell, I appended a minor in sexology to my Bachelor's. And even after all these decades, I still learn new stuff. Some I have no interest in. Others I'll test out and either keep or discard depending on how those of us actually involved feel about it. And, yeah, a lot of the "stunt fucking" from my younger years is off the table since I just don't bend that way anymore.

As far as "dirty talk..." I still stand by what I said in this thread on the subject damn near a decade ago; "if it feels stupid, but it works, it wasn't really stupid."

 

[Senkarose]

Try to get outside your comfort zones. Has he performed cunnilingus on you? Have you ever asked him to? Have you tried the "ruined orgasm" trick on him? Have you frankly asked him "What's missing?" Has he asked you that? You might surprise each other with your answers.

MAy I Ask what that trick is?

 

[NightL]

I get so anxious when I have to talk during sex.

Never feel obliged to do something you are uncomfortable with. Stand strong against any pressure to do something you are uncomfortable with.

As with others here I also strongly advise communication. Have discussion about your likes and dislikes during non-sex times. Make time to talk about previous love making episodes. Let him know what works for you and ask him what he found special. Both try to come up with and discuss ideas to try (during non-sex times). Remember it is totally OK to try things that don't work, to make mistakes, but make sure you both can have a laugh together if things don't quite work out. Then you try something else. So much of great sex is how you discuss it and ask questions with your partner outside of the bedroom.

During sex be attentive to how he responds, listen to his breathing, how he moves his body, the sounds he makes. Let that be a guide to how you proceed. Ask him to pay attention to those things of yourself as well.

Have fun, be prepared to laugh at yourselves if things don't go quite right. "I'm going to try that quick roll over manoeuvre" to only end up taking a crash landing for both to the floor - yup done that and laughed during my sincere apologies.

Every relationship, sex or otherwise, will have dynamics that work for both. It does not always have to be equal in the creativity side. Some like to be the prominent givers and they will get a great kick out of their partner enjoying the receiving. So make sure you strive for your own pleasure. Make as much effort to guide him in what works for you. Maybe he seeing you in sexual ecstasy is what kicks off the very best connection. That certainly works for me.

If dirty talk is uncomfortable for you to express during sex try the dirty talk when not actually engaged in sex - it may work for both of you in creating the mood.

A great sex life extends well beyond the actual love making sessions. How you talk and flirt with each other, how you engage in activities that heighten the senses, which may include picnics, walks, holding hands, weekends away, concerts and dancing, the environment you create together, the setting of a special space where you like to make love.

You are open to ideas and that in itself is special. Have fun and don't forget to laugh if things trip up occasionally.

 

[thomas1965]

Have you ever asked what he really wants or needs? It's not only important in sex, but also outside the bedroom.

 

[Mnkinkcpl]

All very good advice above. Except one thing that I am going to partially disagree with.

I am a strong believer in trying anything once before I say I don't like it.

That goes for everything in life from food to sex.

A good example is cooked carrots I thought for years that I didn't like them and I don't unless it's in stew then the sweetness is great.

Be open to new things always.

I also didn't think I would like a dvp but turns out while difficult it is fun.

 

[NorCalLoki]

Nina Hartley has produced quite a few "How to" videos over the years. If you have a Usenet accessible account you can find several there.

 

[K155]

When I was in my 20s I was so shy and nervous when ir came to sex. I was self conscious about my body, and though I liked sex I was more of a passive participant than a person *having* sex.

I had a couple of months where I had a few flings (didn't want a relationship) where I didn't orgasm. I lay in bed one night and recognised that was on me, that my self doubt was getting I'm the way of my pleasure. I vowed to change that. I asked myself why I'd be self conscious about my body around men who fancied me, who had pursued me and who wanted to have sex with me.

So then I started to let go, I started to make sure I got off, I'd get on top, I'd tell him what I wanted...

I've been in a long relationship, but those men that came after that revelation all got their minds blown. Several of them still slide into my dms from time to time, I've been told I'm the best they've had on quite a few occasions.

So I'd say let loose, leave the hangups at the door and communicate your needs to your partner, letting them know you want them to do the same!

 

[Wonderer67]

When I was in my 20s I was so shy and nervous when ir came to sex. I was self conscious about my body, and though I liked sex I was more of a passive participant than a person *having* sex.

I had a couple of months where I had a few flings (didn't want a relationship) where I didn't orgasm. I lay in bed one night and recognised that was on me, that my self doubt was getting I'm the way of my pleasure. I vowed to change that. I asked myself why I'd be self conscious about my body around men who fancied me, who had pursued me and who wanted to have sex with me.

So then I started to let go, I started to make sure I got off, I'd get on top, I'd tell him what I wanted...

I've been in a long relationship, but those men that came after that revelation all got their minds blown. Several of them still slide into my dms from time to time, I've been told I'm the best they've had on quite a few occasions.

So I'd say let loose, leave the hangups at the door and communicate your needs to your partner, letting them know you want them to do the same!

Beautifully stated.

Communication and knowing what you want is key. And of course your partner has needs too, so being curious abt them and what feels good to them too.