How to fix things after you fuck up

[bisexplicit]

So, heres the thing. I seriously messed up.
I thought that this little escapade (originally written over in my thread)...

So, having described the wonders of kegel muscles to my friends, they were fairly shocked that I could have orgasms without even touching myself. And, the discussion had been fairly sexual up until that point...and my friends are fairly open (two of them who were there have fooled around together)...they wanted to see how I could do it without touching myself. So, I orgasmed. hehe, I've never done anything that crazy before...
I'm sure my story is quite innocent in comparison to most, but for me it was quite scandalous.

...would be quite a turn-on for him. At least thats what I thought when it happened. Afterwards, I began worrying that he'd be jealous or upset. Turns out he is, big time. He thinks that, basically, I cheated on him.
Part of me is mad at that - I didn't feel like it was really that wrong, or that big of a deal. Although it was sexual, it was also mostly educational, believe it or not. I also have this whole "I'm nineteen, let me live a little" attitude.
But, I hate the fact that hes so upset now...
I feel like I should just apologize and promise nothing like that will ever happen again, but I'm worried he still won't trust me.

Advice?

 

[silverwhisper]

bi: IMHO, he's possessive and controlling. what i think is more disturbing however is the way you've titled this thread. i don't think you fucked up but you certainly appear to.

ed

 

[LadyG]

Goodness, how did you cheat, by having an orgasm without him?

Sounds like he's the one that should be apologizing and doing some growing up as well!

You did nothing wrong.

 

[bisexplicit]

*sighs* Hes not. Hes a really good guy. I just should've known it would upset him - I know him well enough.

 

[silverwhisper]

[shrugs]

ed

 

[jon4good]

You did nothing wrong...

He needs to be less jealous and more fun!

In the meantime, these are for you:

 

[rcuhljr]

You did nothing wrong...

He needs to be less jealous and more fun!

In the meantime, these are for you:

I think there's a hole in your jeans

on the original subject, there's not a lot you can do, you've discovered pretty soundly what he feels is cheating and while you may not agree with it there isn't much you can do to change his mind. I think most everyone gets jealous at some point, it just varies from person to person.

 

[Ezzy]

I would sit there quivering and giving youself multiple "O's" while explaining you weren't doing it to hurt him. Just to see if he gets turned on or the point.

I think you are in a no win situation really, if you are forced to explain and apologies you will feel put upon at some level, for doing what you feel was right in the context of your friendship and conversation.

The overall choice here appears to be, be wrong in his eyes or to be wrong in yours. You are the only one to say which will hurt you less and which will hurt you more.

 

[bisexplicit]

I think you are in a no win situation really, if you are forced to explain and apologies you will feel put upon at some level, for doing what you feel was right in the context of your friendship and conversation.

The overall choice here appears to be, be wrong in his eyes or to be wrong in yours. You are the only one to say which will hurt you less and which will hurt you more.

Thanks. That actually makes a lot of sense...

 

[Seduce]

Sit down and have a serious talk with him.
Do not let him to make you feel guilty in any way and explain how you feel.
Ask him what is the kind of behaviour that he expects from you....... and if it is unfitting for you tell him so.

Today he thinks you cheated on him for having an orgasm without him, tomorrow he may think the same way if you only look at the guy on the street. You have to make a borderline that will suit you both more or less but he must know he is not allowed to cross it.

It is sometimes tough to keep integrity in relationships...... we all tend to own completely people we love, but it is just being possesive and inmature.
The only proper way to love someone is to give him/her a freedom and if he/she loves you too that freedom will not be used in any way that would hurt you.

Just my way of looking at those things.......

 

[silverwhisper]

i'd be concerned if he suggests you not associate w/ those friends anymore.

ed

 

[cinnamonstick]

He does seem to be over reacting. If you had openly masturbated naked in front of someone I could understand that he could think you cheated.
The two of you just need a long talk about what is off limits. And he should be able to see your point of view. If he is going to punish you for something that you genuinely thought was innocent than you may have to rethink the relationship.

 

[EJFan]

i have to agree with all the others... you didn't do anything wrong.

not to defend him or anything like that, but i can see where he could be a little taken aback by it. just as there's an argument that it was educational and not overtly sexual, he's probably making the argument that it was somewhat sexual and other people beside him were involved.

what it all boils down to, in my mind, is a difference in "social norms" more or less. he just seems to believe that this is a bit off limits and you don't (along with the rest of us).

i don't think you owe him an apology or an explanation. i think the best thign to do would be to take pride in yourself and have the courage of your convictions. you don't have to make him say he's wrong for judging harshly... just maybe explain your position and let him accept it as an adult decision you made and that you're proud of.

easy breezy.

now... why is it that ed's always the first one to reply to your threads???? this is highly curious.

 

[bisexplicit]

i have to agree with all the others... you didn't do anything wrong.

not to defend him or anything like that, but i can see where he could be a little taken aback by it. just as there's an argument that it was educational and not overtly sexual, he's probably making the argument that it was somewhat sexual and other people beside him were involved.

what it all boils down to, in my mind, is a difference in "social norms" more or less. he just seems to believe that this is a bit off limits and you don't (along with the rest of us).

i don't think you owe him an apology or an explanation. i think the best thign to do would be to take pride in yourself and have the courage of your convictions. you don't have to make him say he's wrong for judging harshly... just maybe explain your position and let him accept it as an adult decision you made and that you're proud of.

easy breezy.

now... why is it that ed's always the first one to reply to your threads???? this is highly curious.

Thanks. I think when I'm upset I tend to paint this picture of him as being worse than he is - he really isn't. I think, basically, hes just insecure. Because he is always worried that someone else is going to come along and "steal me away." He did just call and apologize, though, and say that he over-reacted...but I know we still need to talk about it. I just am overly sensitive sometimes, I think, I don't know.

And, he always answers first because hes my big brother and hes trying to take care of me, duh. hehe.

 

[Ravin the Poet]

This is the problem of AGE. People keep saying it's just a number which is pure bullshit. Sorry to be so frank, but really, as you said, your 19 and trying new things. This man is older, and wants to settle I assume. This is something people miss about an very older person in a relationship.

A friend of mine (19) got a boyfriend (26) and he was a control freak. I've seen it happen to many times.

Now where these friends male or female. If male, I can see where he is coming from. If female, well I can see a little pissyness.


Ravin

 

[bisexplicit]

This is the problem of AGE. People keep saying it's just a number which is pure bullshit. Sorry to be so frank, but really, as you said, your 19 and trying new things. This man is older, and wants to settle I assume. This is something people miss about an very older person in a relationship.

A friend of mine (19) got a boyfriend (26) and he was a control freak. I've seen it happen to many times.

Now where these friends male or female. If male, I can see where he is coming from. If female, well I can see a little pissyness.


Ravin

Age can be a problem...but I don't really think thats the thing. I think its just miscommunication and stuff, mostly. Different ideas as to what we think is okay.
And the friends were female - and there were only three of them - and I've known them since I was six.

 

[Coyness]

I agree with everyone who said you have nothing to be sorry for and that he over-reacted. Obviously he sees this too, so that's good. I guess since he is insecure about himself, you just need to ensure him that these girls pose no threat to your relationship.

 

[silverwhisper]

coyness: i'm not certain that's realistically possible from his POV, considering she is, after all, bi.

bi, this sounds like a trust issue springing from low self-esteem given what you've described. that's unfortunate b/c i've been that guy, too and frankly, i haven't said much in this thread b/c the only thing that helps you get away from that place (assuming i'm right) is time. :>

ed

 

[Coyness]

I understand that she is bi, but these girls are only friends that she has no romantic interest in (or so I've gathered). I think that is the message he needs to realize; just because she's bisexual doesn't mean she has a desire to have sex with every man and woman that she knows.

 

[Quoll]

........Part of me is mad at that - I didn't feel like it was really that wrong, or that big of a deal. Although it was sexual, it was also mostly educational, believe it or not. I also have this whole "I'm nineteen, let me live a little" attitude.
But, I hate the fact that hes so upset now...
Advice?

Bi,
Our first instincts are often right and I seriously think yours were too.
The fact that you get emotional and pissed at first, shows that you feel strongly about your opinions, good on you.
I know you are trying to be careful of not hurting his feelings, but emotional blackmail on his part is not a good way to make a happy relationship.
Yes he apologised, but the damage has been done. Where does he draw the line, if you do it while sitting on a bus full of strangers, but no one knows, are you still cheating, if you are at home alone and do it, is that cheating?
I can see that you care for him, but it also seems that he frustrates the hell out of you.
From things you have said elsewhere about him, he has some serious issues he needs to work on, these are his problems not yours, yet he sems to be very quick to lay the blame for a lot of his problems on you and you end up feeling bad for the way you feel.

The abuse and apologise is a well recognised pattern in many abusive relationships. I am not saying you are in an abusive relationship ,but the patterns are very similar including your reactions, and I think it is something to be aware of.
What does all this mean... I think your ability to orgasm by muscles alone is not the issue.
I think it is about his insecurities and an inability to control things that happen in his life. He needs to get professional help.
Just my thoughts hon, whether or not you listen to advice from an anxious, depressive old fart, is up to you.

On a completely unrelated matter, it will be interesting to see if you can [BiJack] this thread.

 

[SweetErika]

You had an orgasm without removing any clothing or touching yourself in front of three female childhood friends.

Exclusive of his reaction, do you really think you did anything wrong or that a rational person under any circumstance would consider cheating? I'm guessing you'd say no, because otherwise, knowing him, you wouldn't have done it in the first place, right?

I don't agree age is the problem, though it could very well be one of the attractive things about you. All I can say is what I'd want people to tell me: given this, not to mention some of the other things you've shared, be extremely careful, and it might be worthwhile to look at some of the things below.

I think when I'm upset I tend to paint this picture of him as being worse than he is - he really isn't.

Okay, we all bitch and moan about our SOs when we're upset, but this specific behavior/reaction of his is definitely something to be concerned about. Don't rationalize it.

I think, basically, hes just insecure. Because he is always worried that someone else is going to come along and "steal me away."

Why? Is it a reasonable thing to be worried about? Why does he think someone will "steal" you instead of you just breaking up with him or meeting someone else? Has there been a progression in his reactions or limitations on you?

He did just call and apologize, though, and say that he over-reacted...but I know we still need to talk about it. I just am overly sensitive sometimes, I think, I don't know.

Why blame yourself or pick out a perceived weakness to explain it? Yes, you probably need to talk about his expectations (and yours for him, which I'm guessing are far less restrictive), but stand your ground and don't allow him to make you feel bad or blame you...you deserve better than that.

 

[PhxPlay4n6]

I think he's a little too wrapped up in himself and his pity, doesn't he ever have any fun?

 

[blue112]

Not sure if its been mentioned but compare it to him whackin off...

 

[bisexplicit]

This may sound odd...but are there any books or something that could help with all this?
We talked about it all for a long time...and it sounds like hes worried about it, too, and wants things to get better as well.

 

[LadyJeanne]

boyfriend with alcholic mother = passive-aggressive victim mentality

Don't blame yourself for his problems. Don't let him blame you for his insecurities. Recognize when he's pushing your guilt buttons and don't react.