how to find someone new

[Belilica]

I'm living with my son's father and have been sleeping with him, but after the last conversation about our relationship and where it is going, i realized that there is no hope whatsoever. I've seen it coming for a long time now and have been thinking for a while about seeing someone else. The only problem is that the few men that I've been interested are taken, live a few thousand miles away or are too old for me. I'm only 20 years old and I'm a single mom, I never really went about finding men in places other than school and I'm no longer in school. I can't really get out much because of work and the baby. Anyone have any advice?

Bel

 

[huskie]

Find a way to get back in school. You have a better chance of finding a good man there. Some schools offer day care??

 

[Belilica]

Going back to school

I've thought about that too, but I don't have the money for it. I'm trying to get my own place and I don't really make a lot to begin with. His father is with him during the day because he doesn't work, so daycare is not a prob. Rent and food and clothes for the baby are the problems. Unfortunately I'm stuck working. Thank you though.

Bel

 

[huskie]

How does he feel? Does he think you are the only girl for him and that yall are going to get married??

 

[MissTaken]

It might be better to focus on yourself rather than finding someone new.

Whether it is school, saving money or finding help with a new apartment, or whatever, you are likely better off planning for you and your little one.

Taking a break between lovers is often a good idea.
Take a breather.
Set some personal goals.
Then, think about what to do with the loneliness.

It isn't so difficult being lonely.

Being alone can be tough, but makes us stronger.

We don't need a man to keep us whole, productive and worthwhile.

Good Luck.

 

[Belilica]

Thanks Miss T, I am thinking about taking some time for myself, but I would like to date a bit.

Huskie, as for the full story...

He feels that lately I've been pushing him into a commitment. I really didn't know where things stood for a long time, even when I moved in (I know, stupid move on my part). Neither of us are planning on seeing other people, but he told me that he jsut doesn;t feel the same for me anymore. I guess I just don't know how I got caught up in this situation. Things were wonderful with us until I got pregnant and sometimes I now wish I'd never fallen for him. Some days he is great, others he is horrible. He's good with the baby, but not so great with me. I would love to marry him, but he never wants to get married. I just think that he's afraid of loosing his happy little world of all day video games and a free ride from his parents. Unfortunately, that whole love thing keeps me hanging around. I'm totally lost when it comes to this guy.

Bel

 

[huskie]

Thanks Miss T, I am thinking about taking some time for myself, but I would like to date a bit.

Huskie, as for the full story...

He feels that lately I've been pushing him into a commitment. I really didn't know where things stood for a long time, even when I moved in (I know, stupid move on my part). Neither of us are planning on seeing other people, but he told me that he jsut doesn;t feel the same for me anymore. I guess I just don't know how I got caught up in this situation. Things were wonderful with us until I got pregnant and sometimes I now wish I'd never fallen for him. Some days he is great, others he is horrible. He's good with the baby, but not so great with me. I would love to marry him, but he never wants to get married. I just think that he's afraid of loosing his happy little world of all day video games and a free ride from his parents. Unfortunately, that whole love thing keeps me hanging around. I'm totally lost when it comes to this guy.

Bel

Sorry Bell.....

Sounds like he is afraid of growing up and you are just waiting for him to do so????

I feel the best solution is for you to move out!!!

 

[dreamer]

No matter what you 'feel' if he isn't good to you the sooner the better for calling it quits.

I wish you the best. It WILL get better.

 

[Belilica]

Thanks guys, I have my work cut out for me. I have a lot to think about and arrangements to make. I really do appreciate all the responses. I do have to get going though, I'm playing a concert in the morning. Goodnight.

Bel

 

[SXCRgirl]

Bel, I'm so sorry that you're in this situation. I won't judge, I won't say that this is your fault because we all do stupid things when it comes to love.

You do need someone else in your life and it's not another man. It's you. If this man isn't going to marry you or doesn't even feel the same way about you, why stay? If he doesn't feel like he's in love with you, it's not going to change any time soon or ever. It's a tough pill to swallow, but do you really want to live in a fantasy world by yourself?

You have your son to worry about. Look into adult education. They offer classes at night and they're not all that expensive. If he's willing to watch him while you go to school, go for it. Or, I'm sure that you have friends, ask them if they'll watch him two nights a week.

Once you get your life back in order, perhaps having your own place and a better job, then you can think about getting into a relationship.

One thing that I have learned in my experiences is this, when you're stressed out and your life is topsy turvy, relationships that you forge seem to crash and burn. Take care of you first and the rest will follow.

 

[lilpriss]

SXCR is right. Don't find a man because you NEED one find a man whom you WANT. But since you're ending a relationship right now, the best thing you can do is get yourself a vibrator and focus on your self

But really, when your in a dead end relationship, it's worse than being alone. Because there are no expectations and no dissappointments when you'r by yourself. I know, sounds really dark, but the darkest hour is just before dawn...

I'm so sorry that things suck right now for you, but I know things will improve for you, you'll see.

 

[huskie]

I thought about you more this morning......

Let me get this strait. The daddy of your baby has NO intention of getting a job or bettering him self?? Even for the sake of his child????? How old is he????

I would do like SXCRgirl said and look into night classes and or another job. Work on improving your on life before taking on another man. How knows? During the process you may find that better man????

 

[Pdxmwm]

Do what

Bel,

You sound a lot like I felt after my marriage failed. I just didn't want to be alone. The result was a lot of one night stands, and relationships that shouldn't have been, and were hard to get out of. A friend of mine put it crudly, but hit the nail on the head when he said I'd "fuck a snake if someone would hold it's head". I don't think I was quite that bad, but I was close. All these couplings did was pass time, and leave me depressed and bitter.

I finally started doing what I enjoyed, and let the chips fall where they may. If I wanted to go hiking, I did; if I wanted to take some pictures, I loaded up my camera and off I went. When I finally met someone, we had something in common, something besides booze and a quick roll in the hay.

Your mind is too clouded when you're needy; that's something I needed to get past, and I finally did. My ex wife wasn't as lucky; she joined Parents without partners (Don't get me wrong, I think its a great organization.... when you're ready.) met a man with 3 kids on her first visit, and married him within a month. That marriage lasted a few years, but left her more bitter then ever, and hurt our kids even more.

Good Luck, and take your time.

 

[Random Variable]

What to do!

Bel,
I think most of this is great advice---Huskie is right on the mark. Any man who doesn't even have the guts to get a job when he has a baby is like worthless!

But I really think the best advice is for you to get to school. I can tell from the way you write and your thoughtfulness you have the brains for it. And I just hate to see great talent (and beauty) go to waste!

Maybe you can get you son's Dad to help you out--after all it's what's best for his grandson!

One reason is that school is the best way long-term for you to be able to make a living that gives your son the best chance for a good life in the world. It's too easy to wake up and be 25 or 30 and still in a dead-end job--and feeling too old to start over.--Also you are likely to meet good men there, even if you go in the evening, parttime.

And think about yourself! There's a lot of self-fulfillment to be had!

I know it's hard, but you know there are people here at Lit who can help.

RV

 

[Xero]

I'm sorry to hear this Bel.

I know you don't know me, but I lurk here a lot, and I think you're a good kid.

So. I have a friend who is nearly in exactly the same situation. She's been a great friend all through school, and has a child, just like you do. She fell completely in love with this guy, moved in with him, was making plans. He was getting a ride from his parents too, was great with her daughter, but not so much with her... To keep her sanity intact, she had to break it off with him.

It's been the source of much pain for her until recently. She just found a great guy (And though I'm jealous because I'd like to be with her, I'm very happy for her) and they will likely be married.

She met him at college. I highly suggest you go back to school, for your own future and for future prospects. Though there are still assholes and the like in college, you have a much better chance of finding a guy that will love, honor and appreciate you and your daughter, and make you happy. Not to mention, you'll be bettering yourself in the process.

I helped to keep my friend hinged to reality and sanity while she was going through all this. You need to have friends that you can talk to, that will support and help your decisions. People are important, don't shut them out. Even though you love this guy (and likely will for a long while) you have to realize that he obvioiusly doesn't want the same things you do.

It's time to move on. It'll hurt. It'll be painful. But you'll be alright, humans are resilient beings. The heart is even more so. It'll heal its wounds, and open up to someone else with time. You don't have to lock this cat out of your life, but you do have to move on, IMO.

There's someone looking for you, even if they've never met you. And you're looking for him. Move along, down your path, so that you might find each other and continue on your journey together.

Keep your head up, your friends near, and the love of your child in your heart.

You'll find what you're looking for kiddo.

Good luck. My heart goes out to you

Peace.

 

[Guest]

What Xero said.

Excellently said, Xero.

Bel, I have to agree completely with Xero.

I have a friend in a similar situation. She fell for the guy and really felt she wanted to marry him. But she discovered he had a slightly unhealthy craving for drinking-- he had hidden this for a long time while they were dating. The day after they broke up she found she was pregnant. That was six months ago, so the kid is on the way. And not surprisingly, he's usually too busy to take an interest in things dealing with that.

She still likes the guy but knows he's not a good choice, so it's been rough on her. I've known her for about 2 years, mostly as a business colleague. We sometimes go to a movie, or walk around a swap meet and shop, or to a museum, visit the stable, or whatever. Just platonic friends. She thanks me often for having a pal to hang out with, and not have any 'pressure'. I think it helps her to forget all her worries and just have fun for a few hours once in a while.

Don't forget the support of your friends; most friends love to help.

 

[Tropism]

Re: What Xero said.

Excellently said, Xero.

Bel, I have to agree completely with Xero.

Doh! That was me. I wasn't trying to hide, my connection timed out, I swear! I'm sure the 'stable' part gave it away anyhow.

 

[Xero]

[edit]Thank you for the compliment Tropism. I try.[/edit]

*nods* Any real friend will go out of their way to help.

The girl I was talking about (We'll call her Jane), she's gotten her situation back together pretty well.

Her child's father is still involved in their life, and there's no reason why your child's father should not be involved in hers (unless you have another reason, of course). I think she did a wonderful thing by not explaining to her little girl that Mommy and Daddy are divorced and they don't love each other anymore. All the kid knows is that mommy and daddy live in different houses.

Another thing to consider is how separating will affect your child. Jane's daughter was very fond of the cat she was living with. She talks (to a lesser extent now) about him a lot, and asks whe she'll see him again. It makes her sad. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, talk to your child about it (if they're old enough to understand, even a little), and let her know that her father will always be in her life (providing he can be). It will help the transition immensly.

And...let your current man know that you're not doing this to be cold, but because you need something more. If he's a good guy, let him know he is. Try to remain friends, if its possible. Bonds that break under the stress of love often hold up beautifully under the strains of friendship.

If you need to take a break from him before you can remain friends, though, let him know that too. One would hope he would understand that.

Those who suggested you take a break from men in general (in serious relationships anyway) may be right. You might need that. But I don't think there'd be anything wrong with a bit of casual dating (Maybe even with a few close friends) just so you can have fun once in a while.

Once again, good luck.

 

[intrigued]

Thanks Miss T, I am thinking about taking some time for myself, but I would like to date a bit.

Huskie, as for the full story...

He feels that lately I've been pushing him into a commitment. I really didn't know where things stood for a long time, even when I moved in (I know, stupid move on my part). Neither of us are planning on seeing other people, but he told me that he jsut doesn;t feel the same for me anymore. I guess I just don't know how I got caught up in this situation. Things were wonderful with us until I got pregnant and sometimes I now wish I'd never fallen for him. Some days he is great, others he is horrible. He's good with the baby, but not so great with me. I would love to marry him, but he never wants to get married. I just think that he's afraid of loosing his happy little world of all day video games and a free ride from his parents. Unfortunately, that whole love thing keeps me hanging around. I'm totally lost when it comes to this guy.

Bel

How I do feel your pain and struggle...it reminds me of myself, many, many years ago. I think the biggest problem, and in the end, the biggest blessing, is your age. At 20, you are a single mom....a *single* *mom*. You have so much on your shoulders. You did not say what your boyfriends age is, but it is rather apparent that he is young. What you two struggle with every moment is something seasoned parents that are much older struggle with as well, and it IS a struggle. To do so at your age is mind boggling to me.
I hate taking this leap, but from my own experience, I can't help but feel I know what I am talking about, so here goes. You say you are confused by him, and I would just like to give you a perspective to toss around. Though this is a bit of a lack luster saying, it has merit...."why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" Living with him in the arrangement you have is a road to nowhere...nowhere. This man/boy has no motivation to try to do anything at all...... and why should he? His palette is so plainly laid at his feet. There is no challenge to meet you anywhere at all, much less on equal ground. There is simply nothing there to provoke him.
I won't assume that he doesn't support his child to some degree...but I feel there is much to be desired. How does one live with their child day in and day out, and not soar to the heavens in their desire to give them every single thing they need? Because he does not have to. Everyone else seems to be doing so for him...why should he? Oh my, were I in your shoes, the plan would be swift and mighty! Out he goes! I do NOT mean out of his childs life, I mean out of your home and your BED. (Or if it is his home...OUT you go.) Its obvious that finances are contributing to this situation, but weigh that against the emotional torture, lack of self esteem and heartache you are experiencing, and still, the choice is a tremedous burden. But .....if something doesn't "give", this could end up another tragic story.
As the others said...focus on you. Hard to do, but dear, everything that concerns you, concerns your baby. Your baby senses each and every mood of yours, and aside from this, you need a better experience out of life. At 20, the options are endless....stand up and face your life NOW...now while you are a tender, 20 years of age.
As for finding someone new...I suggest that someone be YOU. When you are right with yourself...the rest falls into place. Anthing forced before that time, is just that..."forced", and will bring you little satisfaction.
Bless you....you're in my thoughts. If you need to talk about anything at all, you have an ear.

Connie

 

[Belilica]

Thank you so very much all, your encouragements and advice are greatly appreciated! I feel kinda bad that I didn;t get a chance to thank you guys sooner, but with all my computer problems, I heven't been able to come online (silly pooter forgot what the modem was after we reformatted it...) Things are looking up tho, I'm glad to say, I had a talk with "him" and have worked out a couple of things, I am glad to say however that I will be getting a place in the near future. Connie, he is young too, only 21, and yeah, finances are a huge part of why I'm living here. I'm a photographer and I don't make a whole lot, but I did get a raise, effective a week from now. Little by little, it will get better. You know, I'm really scared too... even just being completely on my own. I'm not saying this in a relationship type situation, but I've never lived by myself. I guess it'll just take a bit of adjustment. I once again thank you guys, you're great! I'm not religious, but it's almost as if I have an angel watching over my shoulder. *Hugs* to all!

Bel

 

[SXCRgirl]

Good luck to you Bel. This is just the beginning. You may stumble along the way, but look ahead to the future. Before you know it, you're already there! If you need any encouragement, we're always here for you.