How to deal with your partner fantasies and/or curiosities?

[aziegmann]

A few months ago, my partner started making comments about open relationships and non-monogamy, based on something she read in the news or saw on TV—making it clear that she believes monogamy and sexual exclusivity are not natural to humans. And I agree with her 100%.

One day, she told me, "Shall we have an open relationship?" in a tone that was navigating between joking and a simple way of introducing the topic between us. I must admit I don’t know what to answer in these moments, although I do consider the idea.

Recently, after we had sex, she told me about being curious to know what it would be like to receive oral sex from another woman, revealing that she might be able to handle it, but would only really know by trying.

I confess that this revelation made me curious, and now I wonder if this is a way that she found out to discover what I think about this topic and if I'd be willing to explore new options/adventures with her. How can I be sure of this? Should I be direct and make her some questions to put the cards on the table, discuss about rules and concerns etc.? Or is it already so clear and obvious what she wants that just only me haven't realized it yet?

Have you experienced something similar lime this? If so, how did you deal with it?

 

[Sgts19]

As I've gotten older I look at things differently. You only go around once try everything then make your decision if you like it or not. Act like your 16 again give it a try

 

[DpropertyofR]

You’re really only going to get a clear picture of what she wants if you sit down and talk about it. Take the same casual approach she took when bringing it up, but ask the questions that are running through your head. If you’re both on the same page, don’t be afraid to give it a try.
Edited to add: I’ve always been very open about my fantasies with my current and previous partners. Most of them were the same. It really builds a sense of intimacy, and it’s fun.

 

[DougNSFW]

Involving someone else in your sex life is a big decision that could have a lasting impact (positive or negative) on your relationship.

I'm definitely not an expert, but I have had some (thankfully positive) experiences in this area. My best advice is communication. Lots of communication. And trust.

For example, she's asking to have an experience with another woman. Do you get to watch or participate? And if you get to participate, what limits does she have (i.e. no kissing, no penetration, etc). Is anyone off limits (friends, coworkers, etc). And the communication continues after the first experience as well: how was that for both of you? Do you want to do it again the same way, or change some of the rules?

Good luck, I hope this works out for you, and remember to communicate lots.

 

[Not Normal]

It sounds like she wants to discuss it further. You may have missed your opportunity, in that you said she brought it up a couple of months ago...

 

[Sarge9mm]

As I've gotten older I look at things differently. You only go around once try everything then make your decision if you like it or not. Act like your 16 again give it a try

Try almost anything once

 

[aziegmann]

You’re really only going to get a clear picture of what she wants if you sit down and talk about it. Take the same casual approach she took when bringing it up, but ask the questions that are running through your head. If you’re both on the same page, don’t be afraid to give it a try.
Edited to add: I’ve always been very open about my fantasies with my current and previous partners. Most of them were the same. It really builds a sense of intimacy, and it’s fun.

Thanks for your reply. Do you have some example or ideas to share? I mean… How to start this conversation?

 

[aziegmann]

It sounds like she wants to discuss it further. You may have missed your opportunity, in that you said she brought it up a couple of months ago...

I don’t think so, because even today she ocasionally notice me about, for example, TV stars that announced to be involved in an open relationship. But as I said before, she does it always using a tone that navigates between a joke and a new introduction of this subject during a conversation. And that’s the point that makes me think she’s trying to see my reaction.

 

[NightL]

Find a fetish club or similar in your area. Perhaps somewhere a bit softer than a dedicated swingers club. Where there is an emphasis on socialising, dancing and dressing up. Be around like minded people. See how you go in an environment where there will be flirting with others.

Go for just a look, dress for the occasion and don't be shy in introducing yourself to others. Don't hesitate to complement those who have made an effort with their costuming, they made that effort to be admired.

Check in with each other during the evening that you are both comfortable. Don't push things, it might take many visits to relax into the environment and make friends with like minded people. Just take it from there.

I've seen the eyes bulging person frantically glancing around in every direction at the candy store while totally ignoring their sullen partner - don't be that couple. Look out for each other.

 

[Britva415]

I don't recommend going into this without some preparation and research.

There are a whole bunch of books about nonmonogamy. They're mostly written from the point of view of polyamorists, which is not the only way to do nonmonogamy, but, the poly crowd are the best equipped to clue those who are new to nonmonogamy what to expect, what to beware of, and how to do the process of agreeing to open the relationship up in a way which is least likely to wind up burning it down.

You really have to communicate a lot to ensure you and your partner are on the same page about things. Even when you think you are, you'll inevitably find out one day that you aren't, and, you need to have the skills to handle that when it happens.

 

[Not Normal]

I don’t think so, because even today she ocasionally notice me about, for example, TV stars that announced to be involved in an open relationship. But as I said before, she does it always using a tone that navigates between a joke and a new introduction of this subject during a conversation. And that’s the point that makes me think she’s trying to see my reaction.

If you are interested in pursuing a nonmonogamy, and/or knowing where she really is on the subject, you have to have the talk. "honey, you've mentioned it several times, are you interested in some version of nonmonogamy?"

The two posts above are both really good, pay attention to them.

 

[UtilityCurve]

This an area where the usually-helpful largest sex organ in the body (let's not pick nits about brains and some women's boobs) organ-blocks the others.

Instead of give-and-take, honest and understanding, the tendency is to play ... chess!

Well, if I say this, she may say this or that, in which case to this I should say thus and to that so, and so on, writing an interactive screenplay in our heads not only for ourselves, but for our partners.

I've done it. You've done it. Nothing except severe illness or disability ruins sex more.

If you're the kind of couple that communicated instead of acting out the plays you've composed (or trying to), go for it.

But if either of you chokes at the plate, learn to deal with that first. Honestly and understanding aren't just necessary, they're literal prerequisites to having the best relationship you can, open, closed or in a quantum state.

 

[Kenrychard]

"Open relationship" Would there be any actual possibility that it would play out in a way you defined as fair? LOL. In MY world an open relationship would have meant my wife(ex) would be off elsewhere getting sex and I would be home alone. So for me, I would tell her "sure, I'll call a divorce attorney tomorrow first thing! Lets open this up! I loved being a part of her orgasms, and the times we played with a male 3rd were great. Loved the way she could just orgasm over and over with all the prolonged attention. But when she pressed me to let her play with a BF without me we ended up divorced. Not a regret, GLAD we are divorced. I am the one in a million lucky bastard that got both houses, the bank account, and custody of the three kids. She was afraid to go to court because the kids were old enough to speak for themselves and she couldn't have them tell the judge about her Mothering skills ( sleep until her favorite soaps started, watch TV, then play on her Iphone until I got home from work and took over. You know, cook dinner, do housework, help with homework, get them to bed, spend five minutes sitting on porch with wife while she smoked and played games on her phone and then go to bed alone because she had slept until 1 PM and wasn't tired.

 

[Celand]

A few months ago, my partner started making comments about open relationships and non-monogamy, based on something she read in the news or saw on TV—making it clear that she believes monogamy and sexual exclusivity are not natural to humans. And I agree with her 100%.

One day, she told me, "Shall we have an open relationship?" in a tone that was navigating between joking and a simple way of introducing the topic between us. I must admit I don’t know what to answer in these moments, although I do consider the idea.

Recently, after we had sex, she told me about being curious to know what it would be like to receive oral sex from another woman, revealing that she might be able to handle it, but would only really know by trying.

I confess that this revelation made me curious, and now I wonder if this is a way that she found out to discover what I think about this topic and if I'd be willing to explore new options/adventures with her. How can I be sure of this? Should I be direct and make her some questions to put the cards on the table, discuss about rules and concerns etc.? Or is it already so clear and obvious what she wants that just only me haven't realized it yet?

Have you experienced something similar lime this? If so, how did you deal with it?

Dream of every straight male, have his female partner bring in another female into the bedroom play...What is to be curious about? Welcome it with open arms, I am sure both will fit into your embrace)

 

[davion2308]

Talk it out, talk it out, talk it out some more. Do it when you're both sober, not horny, and walk through logistics.

What is she looking for with experimenting? Is there a way to fulfill that without engaging with other people? Are you both open to the idea? What's the 'after' look like for both of you? How would you actually approach it?

Even in discussing the actual nuts-and-bolts of how to go about any fantasy, you may get turned on enough to have some sex, have a good time, role play it out, and enjoy the experience. If you're open-minded and want to try, I'm a fan of going for it and seeing how things go.

 

[aziegmann]

Why do you recommend to talk it out, but not horny? Correct me, please, if I am wrong, but I think it’s better to do it when both partners are into a sexual atmosphere, isn’t it?

 

[Lucy_Lastic]

Dream of every straight male, have his female partner bring in another female into the bedroom play...What is to be curious about? Welcome it with open arms, I am sure both will fit into your embrace)

What about if the straight male is excluded from the bedroom?

 

[magic_rat]

Openness and 100% honesty and realistic expectations are all essential.

The realistic part is you accepting that if you have an open relationship, there is the potential for her having a different lover every day of the week and you getting no action whatsoever. Lacking that understanding is what fucks many open and poly relationships.

At that point many find their relationships end because once you look behind the curtain, there's no going back.

If you want to put your toe in the water, make a profile on fabswingers. Better still make two, one each. You'll find that she'll get many messages every day from hopeful guys (especially if she has some nice pictures on her profile) and you'll get nothing. That's your intro to how things are.

Find your local swinger social. Non scary, most are in pubs and bars, everyone dresses normally, but you can mingle and just get a feel for being around people who enjoy the lifestyle. Talk to people. Make friends. Connections are way more important than trying to drum up interest on the net.

If you go to a sex club, decide on hard limits before you go, ie you're just there to look, learn and absorb the atmosphere. Even if you're tempted to go over those limits. don't do it. Hold hands, stay together, look, don't touch. She may want that guy with the 9" cock. You may want that lovely blonde with the lovely boobs. There's always next time.

Go home and discuss what you saw (you'll most likely see several people fucking), how it made you feel, what you'd have liked to do without constraints. You may decide that curiosity has been satisfied. You may want to take it to another level. It's all about openness honesty and talking.

 

[Britva415]

Why do you recommend to talk it out, but not horny? Correct me, please, if I am wrong, but I think it’s better to do it when both partners are into a sexual atmosphere, isn’t it?

Better how? Better as in, she's more likely to talk about it if she's frisky? It doesn't seem better as in, an effective conversation which gets to the important details. It seems like a recipe for getting distracted into moving on to something else before the discussion gets anywhere of substance.

Be free to go about it however you want, but you seem to be clinging to the fantasy content of this idea and really not seeing how important it is to communicate soberly, deliberately and thoroughly before opening the relationship up.

Maybe you'll be lucky and it'll be just fine. Maybe when you and your spouse discover that you aren't on the same page, because you didn't talk about it, about something important, something painful, you'll be able to just make up and get over it together.

I guess it could happen.

 

[magic_rat]

Why do you recommend to talk it out, but not horny? Correct me, please, if I am wrong, but I think it’s better to do it when both partners are into a sexual atmosphere, isn’t it?

You'd think. But that's when lines get crossed and stuff happens that one or the other didn't expect. That's when you potentially fuck it all up.

See my post above. Discuss what you do and don't want, what you're comfortable with, what you'd like to happen. Take baby steps rather than going balls-out first time. If you like it, you'll take it further next time.

 

[YourSecretDesires]

A few months ago, my partner started making comments about open relationships and non-monogamy, based on something she read in the news or saw on TV—making it clear that she believes monogamy and sexual exclusivity are not natural to humans. And I agree with her 100%.

One day, she told me, "Shall we have an open relationship?" in a tone that was navigating between joking and a simple way of introducing the topic between us. I must admit I don’t know what to answer in these moments, although I do consider the idea.

Recently, after we had sex, she told me about being curious to know what it would be like to receive oral sex from another woman, revealing that she might be able to handle it, but would only really know by trying.

I confess that this revelation made me curious, and now I wonder if this is a way that she found out to discover what I think about this topic and if I'd be willing to explore new options/adventures with her. How can I be sure of this? Should I be direct and make her some questions to put the cards on the table, discuss about rules and concerns etc.? Or is it already so clear and obvious what she wants that just only me haven't realized it yet?

Have you experienced something similar lime this? If so, how did you deal with it?

She probably knows what she wants. What do YOU want? It can't be just about one person's desires.

Just be true to yourself and then honest with her.

 

[Lucy_Lastic]

Give her a free pass. Let her scratch that itch then see how you both feel about it afterwards.

 

[UtilityCurve]

I'm probably a hopeless romantic, but it seems to me that in a loving, committed, OPEN marriage, she is not going to be okay with him being abandoned. That's hotwifing. And nothing wrong with that, either.

But with her vastly superior sexual value, thus power and network, I can well imagine (hope) that she will make sure and even arrange playtimes for him, too, again, even if on occasion it has to be with paid help.

Leaving him adrift doesn't sound like something a worthwhile wife would do. That's the behavior of a fling that has gone on too long.

It would be illuminating to hear what wives in open marriages regard as their responsibilities for their husbands' mental and physical well-being.

 

[drobert44]

You’re really only going to get a clear picture of what she wants if you sit down and talk about it. Take the same casual approach she took when bringing it up, but ask the questions that are running through your head. If you’re both on the same page, don’t be afraid to give it a try.
Edited to add: I’ve always been very open about my fantasies with my current and previous partners. Most of them were the same. It really builds a sense of intimacy, and it’s fun.

Makes perfect sense, DR.

 

[Britva415]

it seems to me that in a loving, committed, OPEN marriage, she is not going to be okay with him being abandoned

Leaving him adrift doesn't sound like something a worthwhile wife would do

It's not clear to me what you think she should do?

Not open the relationship? Actively find partners for the husband? Something else?