How to cure self-esteem issues

[Color Me Crazy]

Yes. I'm 18, and still a virgin.

Waiting until marriage? Nope. Waiting until I fall in love? Probably not. Waiting until someone likes me enough to have sex? Yeah. Pretty much. Okay, that might be a slight exageration. Waiting until I can let myself have sex? Whoo hoo. I won.


I have really low self-confidence. I think I have a great personality. I'm pretty. I really like my hair. ( I mean, c'mon. A girl's gotta like her hair.) But I'm not exactly the picture-esque body type. Obviously, there are guys out there who like girls with a little meat on them. But whenever I've dated someone, I always think that given the opportunity they'd leave me to be with someone thinner or prettier.

I've had numerous opportunities to be intimate with a man, but my self-image holds me back.

I'm hoping that my "issues" dissolve with time.

But my question is, how long did it take you (Yeah, I'm talking to you) to get past your own body qualms to just... enjoy yourself? Not only with a man/woman, but in big social events and even small ones?

I'm hoping that I'm just stuck in one of those cliche "phases" parents and shrinks usually talk about. Don't usually let myself submit to text-book molds, but I really want to overcome this.

Any advice? Personal stories?

 

[Ms_Lilith]

I lost my virginity to rape when I was 18. I had a lot of sex after that.. but only really became cool with myself being naked in front of a partner when I was close to 20. It took a LOT to be that way, and part of it was another brutal sexual assault.. I'm not condoning sexual assault, or anything.. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But it took that kind of violence for me to wake up and realize that I am beautiful.

And y'know what? Who gives a fuck if people don't like you because of how you look? That just says they're too shallow and ignorant to warrant YOUR attention.

I'm a big girl. Tall and overweight. It really took me finding some comfort in my head and heart for me to find comfort in my body. I went through 8 years of verbal abuse from peers and family, and one day I just told everyone to fuck off, and let me be. Look at themselves before they pissed on me for being fat. And it worked. It made them realize that I just didn't give a shit anymore what they thought.

Getting to the point where you just don't CARE what other people think is a huge step. Because once you stop trying to dress and present yourself for everyone ELSE, you begin to do it for yourself. And then you'll become comfortable.

 

[Different Guy]

19... HA! Beat ya with the first reply so there!

I'm 19 now and I lost it a month or so back. I'm a dude and needless to say sucked but it didn't bother me. How is someone supposed to be good at something for the first time?

You learn to drive, you learn to skate, you learn to ride a bike, you learn to spell... nothing comes first and I have no problem admiting it, why should I be embaressed.

About the age thing. Well I had my first time with my current girlfriend and we have been together now just over a year. It was a case of wanting it with someone I love and can experiance an emotional experiance rather than getting laid.

Call it old fashioned or stupid, to any virgins out there, it happens! You can find your true love and sex will be more than blowing your load or popping your cherry.

I registered at Lit a virgin and thanks to it all my sexual experiances were better than they 'should' have been, cept intercourse which of course you can't be shown how to, surely! But yeah, Lit's managed to supply me with all sorts of facts and tips bout making it the best for a girl and it's worked great!

Just wish she could say the same..

 

[shinypenis]

Hey I feel the same way. Somtimes we dont think anyone else feels the same but some do. The only thing that I found that sort of works is simply to get into lots of social situations even though one is shy, practice makes perfect. Know what i mean?

Yes. I'm 18, and still a virgin.

Waiting until marriage? Nope. Waiting until I fall in love? Probably not. Waiting until someone likes me enough to have sex? Yeah. Pretty much. Okay, that might be a slight exageration. Waiting until I can let myself have sex? Whoo hoo. I won.


I have really low self-confidence. I think I have a great personality. I'm pretty. I really like my hair. ( I mean, c'mon. A girl's gotta like her hair.) But I'm not exactly the picture-esque body type. Obviously, there are guys out there who like girls with a little meat on them. But whenever I've dated someone, I always think that given the opportunity they'd leave me to be with someone thinner or prettier.

I've had numerous opportunities to be intimate with a man, but my self-image holds me back.

I'm hoping that my "issues" dissolve with time.

But my question is, how long did it take you (Yeah, I'm talking to you) to get past your own body qualms to just... enjoy yourself? Not only with a man/woman, but in big social events and even small ones?

I'm hoping that I'm just stuck in one of those cliche "phases" parents and shrinks usually talk about. Don't usually let myself submit to text-book molds, but I really want to overcome this.

Any advice? Personal stories?

 

[shinypenis]

I hope those people are in jail getting their sexual assult. *hugs you*

I lost my virginity to rape when I was 18. I had a lot of sex after that.. but only really became cool with myself being naked in front of a partner when I was close to 20. It took a LOT to be that way, and part of it was another brutal sexual assault.. I'm not condoning sexual assault, or anything.. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But it took that kind of violence for me to wake up and realize that I am beautiful.

And y'know what? Who gives a fuck if people don't like you because of how you look? That just says they're too shallow and ignorant to warrant YOUR attention.

I'm a big girl. Tall and overweight. It really took me finding some comfort in my head and heart for me to find comfort in my body. I went through 8 years of verbal abuse from peers and family, and one day I just told everyone to fuck off, and let me be. Look at themselves before they pissed on me for being fat. And it worked. It made them realize that I just didn't give a shit anymore what they thought.

Getting to the point where you just don't CARE what other people think is a huge step. Because once you stop trying to dress and present yourself for everyone ELSE, you begin to do it for yourself. And then you'll become comfortable.

 

[Color Me Crazy]

Well I'm going to college in a month, so maybe things will get better from there. I've lived in a, not necessarily small, but very sheltered town my entire life. The only acceptable "fashion" here is what people see on MTV. The only acceptable "body-type" here is what, surprise, people see on MTV.

I've heard that a lot changes in college. People become more open-minded. I've also heard that it's just like high school. I guess I'll have to wait and see, and just hope for the best.

 

[Ms_Lilith]

Well I'm going to college in a month, so maybe things will get better from there. I've lived in a, not necessarily small, but very sheltered town my entire life. The only acceptable "fashion" here is what people see on MTV. The only acceptable "body-type" here is what, surprise, people see on MTV.

I've heard that a lot changes in college. People become more open-minded. I've also heard that it's just like high school. I guess I'll have to wait and see, and just hope for the best.

In high school, I was Catholic, and a goody-two shoes. I couldn't see past my little world. When I got into university, everything changed. I reexamined why I was religious, I began to think for myself, etc.

It was in university that I was assaulted the second time, and it was in university that I came to realize I don't give a fuck what people think of me. It taught me to be myself. I'm am thankful for each experience.

Goodl uck to you, and be careful.


And shinypenis, neither is in jail.

 

[shinypenis]

It really depends on the college and what you do there. Interact with em

Well I'm going to college in a month, so maybe things will get better from there. I've lived in a, not necessarily small, but very sheltered town my entire life. The only acceptable "fashion" here is what people see on MTV. The only acceptable "body-type" here is what, surprise, people see on MTV.

I've heard that a lot changes in college. People become more open-minded. I've also heard that it's just like high school. I guess I'll have to wait and see, and just hope for the best.

 

[SkyyAngel]

Hey there...where you going to college if you don't mind my asking? I'm transferring up to WMU hopefully in the Spring if everything works out.

Look....I've had the body issues too. I'm not fat by any means but yeah I got some meat. I'm 5'2" and at the moment 172 lbs. Not too bad especially considering I weighed 225 in January (don't you love New Years Resolutions?? ) I'm still not ENTIRELY comfortable with my body but with my current SO I'm turning into a real nymphette.

I have that stupid "pooch" that settles on a woman's body right beneath the waist and above the abdomen. I absolutely hate it. It's gotten smaller but still there. So yeah I get embarassed during sex about it. The key is to get a guy that has the willpower and most of all patience to tell you that you are beautiful no matter what. Aren't I so lucky to have found one?? Ha ha and guess what? He's in MI...but you can't have him.

I'm still not comfortable about my hips and my ass and that ugly pooch and I don't like what I look like in the mirror but when my man looks at me with lust in his eyes and a hardon in his pants I completely forget about all of that. All that matters at that moment is that I TURN HIM ON!!! I think it's incredible and a bit unbelievable but true.

My advice is...in a nutshell get one of those guys. And it may take awhile and a bit of convincing....but when it's your name he's moaning you'll forget about everything...I promise.

 

[Color Me Crazy]

Thanks to everyone who has responded. I really appreciate it.

However, something SkyyAngel said struck me. And if asked, I probably couldn't point it out directly. But it got me thinking, what if I am self confident enough, but I just am tired of waiting for a guy to like me for who I am and not what clothes size I wear.

Maybe I have confidence in me, but just not the rest of the world? Maybe that's the real hurdle I have to jump-- the one where I decide that I have faith in the people I surround myself with. Here, and at college.

'Course, everyone has different definitions of "faith". But what applies here, to me, is the sort where people are just... good. To me. To themselves. Do I need to start singing Black Eyed Peas' "Where is the Love"

What am I even talking about? Someone got lost on a rant. Call me crazy.

 

[nattiness]

I think you got it.

Thanks to everyone who has responded. I really appreciate it.

However, something SkyyAngel said struck me. And if asked, I probably couldn't point it out directly. But it got me thinking, what if I am self confident enough, but I just am tired of waiting for a guy to like me for who I am and not what clothes size I wear.

Maybe I have confidence in me, but just not the rest of the world? Maybe that's the real hurdle I have to jump-- the one where I decide that I have faith in the people I surround myself with. Here, and at college.

'Course, everyone has different definitions of "faith". But what applies here, to me, is the sort where people are just... good. To me. To themselves. Do I need to start singing Black Eyed Peas' "Where is the Love"

What am I even talking about? Someone got lost on a rant. Call me crazy.

Looks like someone hit the jackpot on the self-confidence issue!

Nat.

PS> Don't worry it will take time. I've been stuck with that problem for longer than you can possibly imagine. If you'd like to know I'll glady chat about it, just PM me sometime.

 

[SexyGiggles]

Hmmmm....I was a virgin until my sophomore year of college...never dated in high school really, and dated a little during freshman year but never went very far....part of it was just lack of opportunity, but part was that I wasn't comfortable enough with my own body to be open with other people, especially with people of the opposite sex...

Somewhere during my early years in college, I left behind the person I thought I was supposed to be in high school, and let free the inner me that had been trying for so long to be shown...I finally was comfortable with who I was, both on the outside and the inside...

I'm still uncomfortable at times with my body appearance, but I'm comfortable with it being the only body I have. It's not something that I can change, and it's not something that I want to change just to make other people happy. Once YOU accept yourself for what and who YOU are, then you will be more positive and self-assured around others.

Good luck!

It really depends on the college and what you do there. Interact with em

definately!! make the most out of your college experience! get involved in activities that make you happy!! do what you want to do!!

 

[watergirl]

Wait till you find a guy worth sleeping with. If he doesn't make you feel pretty and attractive with your clothes on, why take them off for him?

Trust me, there's no hurry in losing your virginity. Sex is nice, but you can have a lot of fun by yourself, too. If you don't like yourself, no one else will either. And that sounds like a trite parent line, but it's true, I swear!!! And, the more comfortable you are with yourself alone, touching yourself, making noise, letting your body move, the less likely you are to stifle that you'll be when you want to respond that way to someone else. And, he'll feel like Mr. Stud with you showing him how good he makes you feel.

As to how long it took me to get past hating my body... long time. I started to get better in college, I'm 26 now, and really have never felt this good before. It helps that I joined a gym, and I'm back down to a size 18. That's still a big girl, but it's way better than where I was a year ago. Now, I'll not only enjoy myself with a guy, with the lights on, but I'll enjoy myself dancing at bars with my friends. I'm solid; I'm cute and sexy. Not lovely, pretty, or beautiful, but cute and sexy. I was with one guy for almost 5 years; since breaking up, I've felt so much better about myself, even though he dumped me... it took a while, but having strangers flirt with me makes me feel sexier than having a boyfriend who ignored me. Make sense? It should.

And, as for worrying that someone would leave you for someone thinner or prettier - they will leave you for someone more self-confident a lot faster than they will leave you for someone better looking. And that I firmly believe is the absolute truth.

 

[BlueElf]

*smiles*

Don't let anyone tell you you're not beautiful! We all have body issues whether we are buff and built....or not so much lol

Remember that there are indeed those out there who do not go by society's standards in their conception of beauty. I wish you well in your journey of positivity about your body.

BlueElf, who has always been self-conscious about his surgery scars and was a virgin until his late 20's

 

[melligrl]

I lost my virginity at 21.

But it wasn't until I was 22, I just turned 23 today, that I was able to be comfortable with my body. I'm a BBW and I freely admit that now. I finally realized that until I could look at myself and see that I was beautiful no one else would.

I now have a boyfriend that tells me I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever met.

 

[rumandcoke]

i gotta say i have alot of the similar issues .. im 20 and still havnt gotten around to it .. im starting my 3rd year of college and about to turn 21 soon .. but honestly? im not in a rush .. i enjoy life to its fullest and i realized when i stopped chasing after sex that i enjoyed my life alot more when i just relaxed and took things as they come .. im shy and have a less then ideal body as well ive never dated much but that was a personal choice cause of my comfort zones .. so i think i can understand where your coming from .. i just think you need to stop thinking about it .. eventually it will happen and just enjoy your life

 

[CWatson]

vixenshe:
once you stop trying to dress and present yourself for everyone ELSE, you begin to do it for yourself. And then you'll become comfortable.

AMEN sister.

I ended up learning this lesson very early on in life. As a child I was the target of everyone's teasing and jokes, and no matter how I tried to get myself into their good graces, it didn't work. Eventually I realized that their opinions of me would never change, that I could NOT please them. So I decided to please myself.

This, of course, is not to say I have self-confidence. There were many more hurdles to that, and I'm still overcoming them--but they involve failing to please someone (my parents) whom I wanted pleased. My parents were perfectionists, and perfectionists are NEVER happy; at best, they're satisfied. Not good for self esteem.

Color Me Crazy
Maybe I have confidence in me, but just not the rest of the world?

Exactly. Because you CAN please yourself, and as you do it more often (and NOTICE you do it more often, if like me you're a perfectionist), you start feeling more confident. And then it doesn't MATTER whether you really can go out and conquer the world, because people will respond to the fact that, regardless, you THINK you can.

Watergirl
If he doesn't make you feel pretty and attractive with your clothes on, why take them off for him?

Again, exactly. Margaret Cho (semi-famous comedian) had a short skit regarding this; she was commenting on what she'd read in a Cosmo. How To Look Good In Bed or something like that. Paraphrasing: "If you're lying on your back, you can use your arms to push your breasts up. Or, if you're having anal sex, he can't see your cellulite! And I think that's ridiculous, because I get really ugly when I fuck... And if he cares about what I look like when he's fucking me, he shouldn't be fucking me in the first place!"

And don't worry, these men DO exist. It may take a while for them to mature from their larval stages, but sensitive new-age attitudes are IN this generation.

Color Me Crazy
I've heard that a lot changes in college. People become more open-minded. I've also heard that it's just like high school.

I think it's the former. High school has a very myopic vision; people get concerned about these things, they get just WRAPPED UP in these things, and then they step away and get some perspective, and they think, "God, why did I even bother?" They don't bother with trying to get people to conform. In this new freedom, people are able to really shape themselves without interference for the first time. With that shaping comes new respect for other people; now that one understands how hard it is to decide who one should be, one appreciates that others have made those choices as well. So, I think you're free to flourish in college.

...Or at least, that's been MY experience.

And to answer your original question: I turned twenty a week ago, and I'm still a virgin. And probably will be for a while; the girls I like tend to be conservative. Oh, well, that's life for ya.

 

[capricious_chic]

I think everyone feels this way at times. Regardless of gender, weight, age. We get so caught up in our own insecurites, that we forget that everyone around us is just as insecure. The light bulb moment for me, was when I realized that guys are just as uneasy as girls. Some people truly do have confidence, or simply don't care, but on the whole - every one feels this at times.

Once I realized that.. I become much more comfortable with myself. The realization leading me to believe that the person I was with, wouldn't be there if they didn't want to be.

 

[Huggles]

There are guys out there who will worship you for both yours looks and your mind..

Don't be discouraged!

 

[AttentionWhore]

I've been 5'4 and 100 lbs (I was 18)
I've been 5'4 and 190 lbs (I was 28)
To be honest with you, I don't think I'd have wanted to spend the rest of my life with someone who liked me because I was skinny. I also hated the shallowness of highschool, the "you gotta wear this to be cool, you gotta do that". The hell with that. I can honestly say that as I've gotten older and put on weight, I'm attracting men that are a higher quality. Agreeabely, there are some that think that since I'm not the imaginary ideal of perfection, I should be greatful for the opportunity to be seen with them. Sexy is all in your attitude, if you feel you're beautiful, you will be beautiful. If you feel sexy, honey there ain't nothing sexier than you.

Why couldn't someone have told me this when I was younger?

One of my best friends was a virgin until he was 28. I envy him.

 

[lovechild27]

First, look around you at real people...not those on tv. VERY VERY few people are those stick thin, tanning booth brown blond bimbos we see so often. Do something to make YOU feel good. Wear clothes that make you feel good. Tell yourself you feel good.

And you probably should visit one of those shrinks who use those cliches you mentioned. Having low self esteem is one thing...but being afraid of becomng intimate and being in group situations isnt normal and cant just be chalked up to low self esteem.

Just my two cents...any time some aspect of your personality is preventing you from really living...it IS a problem.

 

[littlecat]

Feel better.
It will happen, and it will be worth the wait, as long as you are ready and you are with the right person.

I have not posted in quite a while, but have been lurking, and this topic hit me right in the gut... I am not exactly MTV material either, never was in fact, and it's only gotten worse since the birth of my daughter. And I may not like the person I am slowly turning into (although it is my own fault), but I really used to love myself. I may not have been the most popular girl in school but I had a good group of close friends who all loved and supported each other. I had good grades and was one of the top members of my sports team. Things were pretty rosy for me growing up....

BUT, high school was HELL. Too much time spent worrying about who was "in" and who wasn't. Friends came and went in a week or less and no one was safe from gossip... My dears, the very best thing you can do for your self esteem is to graduate from high school. Once you crawl out of that cess pool of self abuse you can start concentrating on becoming the person you are meant to be. No one comes out of high school untouched, and I mean no one!! I crashed and burned baby. Turned into something my mother never wanted to know... No confidence and no self esteem. I can't really remember being happy, just "consumed" by all the experiences..

It took me a while to get me back. I wouldn't go back to high school for all the money in the world. Not one day of being a hormonal teenager, no thanks!!

Color Me Crazy, You have just begun your journey of life. Don't waste time worrying about what has not happened... No one can love you if you do not love yourself. Work on that and the rest will come.

Take care girl,
..and have fun in college!!
L

 

[Lust Engine]

Well I'm going to college in a month, so maybe things will get better from there. I've lived in a, not necessarily small, but very sheltered town my entire life. The only acceptable "fashion" here is what people see on MTV. The only acceptable "body-type" here is what, surprise, people see on MTV.

I've heard that a lot changes in college. People become more open-minded. I've also heard that it's just like high school. I guess I'll have to wait and see, and just hope for the best.

College can be a wonderful area for one to grow. I grew up quite a bit during my collegiate years. I think that most college campuses are filled with much more liberal thoughts... most great students I see are willing to challenge the establishment. You'll run into a much MUCH more diverse crowd where everyone is a little different. You'll soon realize your identity is unique and it's not a thing to be ashamed of. Your own personal voice will be the thing that separates you from the crowd and y'know what? It's not a bad voice!

Confidence is a learned thing & t gets better with more use too.

Good luck.