How to communicate fantasies?

[noobkitten]

So in my last long term relationship, about halfway through the relationship I tried expressing my fantasies of being spanked and wanting to explore the Dom/sub lifestyle. It didn't go so well, as I was pretty much laughed at in the face and called weird.

This moment was years ago and still affects me to this day. I am afraid to attempt voicing my desires to the one I love all because of this fear of rejection.

I was just curious if anybody has any advice on an easy way to try and bring the topic up.. Or ways to show this is something I'm interested in, in a way to minimize any potential bruised ego.

I'm confident enough now to where I could brush it off if that were to happen again - but I'd still appreciate any opinions that may help this be easier for me, as I'd really like it to go in my favor without scaring him off

 

[NippleMuncher]

You ought to know just how much you can share with your partner without fear of judgment. You also need to ask yourself, if you are certain that you can't have this conversation with your partner, then maybe you need to look for a better partner?

There are a whole lot of people out there who are incapable of communication, and even more incapable of being open minded when it comes to things in the bedroom. Spanking is pretty low on the kink scale, so if you can't discuss something as minimal as this, then I'd highly recommend that you reconsider your relationship.

 

[GrrlFriday]

It can be hard to bring stuff up if you've been roundly chastised for it in a previous relationship. I'm glad that you're trying to open up again to your new partner about your desires. Can you read smut in front of your partner? Try getting an anthology book and make sure he knows that he can read it, too. Discussing a story or choosing a favourite can be a good way to explore fantasies in a less direct way.

 

[Graf_Severin]

It can be hard to bring stuff up if you've been roundly chastised for it in a previous relationship. I'm glad that you're trying to open up again to your new partner about your desires. Can you read smut in front of your partner? Try getting an anthology book and make sure he knows that he can read it, too. Discussing a story or choosing a favourite can be a good way to explore fantasies in a less direct way.

THAT is a great piece of advice. In fact, years ago my partner and I started talking on and on about role playing fantasies from a short story. It's a great way to draw out things, with fiction playing the safe mediator.

 

[Nezhul]

I agree, stories are a great advice.

Also what you may want to do is to suggest something easy and rather innocent, and see how he likes it. If hes not really into it, then you can go slow, but if hes excited, you can bring things up faster.

 

[tishadomina]

Don't bring sex into the situation where you are bringing the fantasy up. Discuss it over something like coffee while on the sofa, or a similar setting. Don't let your genitals rule what you are going to say - you should be able to have a conversation on your fantasies and your sex life without being naked at the time.

 

[Que]

I hate that there are people that would denigrate a partner for being open about their desire. It is fine not to share them with a partner or to even find something off-putting, but how do you not handle that with care?

Tough as it is, you cannot let your emotional need to protect yourself cause yourself to be unreasonably guarded around your new partner. He didn't say those things and unless there are other indications he is closeminded, take a deep breath and tell him what you told us.

"Hey, my old partner shamed me when I expressed that I wanted to try spanking, so I have been reluctant to bring it up. How would you feel about exploring that a bit?"

 

[noobkitten]

Thank you all so much for the ideas! I really appreciate it

I was also thinking today about bringing it up in a way of saying I had a dream about xyz, and see how he reacts. He seems very open minded and spanks me just playing around a lot.. But as people have said i can be hard to let your guard down after being crushed in the past. But the past is the past and I can't hold on to that forever, esp when my current guy has nothing to do with that prior situation.

 

[subwannabe]

Hope it works out. Communication is the key. Since this is an important part of who you are you need to find a way to get the courage to talk about it and let the chips fall where they may, even if it means the end of the relationship. In the future, if you ever have this happen again, I would bring it up sooner in the relationship before too many feelings get involved. It is better to find out before that time and start over before you are too invested in the relationship. Too many people find "love" and then afterwards find out that their partners aren't as sexually adventurous as they had hoped and that leads to a part of the person's life being unfulfilled and unhappy and wind up sacrificing part of who you are for the good of the relationship. Most of the time this just festers and festers and gets worse as the years go by until it reaches the breaking point.

 

[GrrlFriday]

If you do use a dream, make sure it's a real dream - in case he gets turned on by the thought of you having a sexy dream and asks for details. That way, you'll have the best knowledge of whether your real thoughts are of interest to him, and he'll have accurate ideas about what turn you on.

 

[Nezhul]

That dream idea is great. Tell us how it worked out afterwards, but already I will take this idea to use in the future. Never thought of it, but it's such an easy way to share.

 

[rthnck]

tumblr experiment

There is a tumblr experiment thread here: http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1217735

Basically you setup a tumblr thread with things that excite you and then show it to your significant other. Might be a good way to ease into discussions. Start off nice and slow and if you can get him interested, ratchet up the fantasies.

 

[pplwatching]

Basically you setup a tumblr thread with things that excite you and then show it to your significant other. Might be a good way to ease into discussions. Start off nice and slow and if you can get him interested, ratchet up the fantasies.

I once heard a radio talk show host say, "It never ceases to amaze me that people who share bodily fluids with each other can't talk to each other about what makes sharing bodily fluids more enjoyable". I remember it because I was struggling with how to share a fantasy with my wife at the time. I decided at that moment that I needed to trust my wife to respond to my ideas with the love, respect, and courtesy that define our relationship with each other. I was not disappointed, and even though we really weren't on the same page it was good to be vulnerable with her and to feel her acceptance.

Worrying about that moment took far more time and energy than simply sharing that part of myself with her. I think that sharing in an intimate moment is much better than sending links to blogs and web sites, although a visual aid once we're talking is not a bad thing. It's important to be in control of the message, and be able to talk and answer questions instead of risking a possible misinterpretation. I would much rather have an interactive discussion than force her to try to figure out what I'm trying to say.

It's hard to be vulnerable. No one wants to be ridiculed, but frankly if a lover ridicules a fantasy shared in an intimate moment then perhaps you have learned something important about them.

Just my $.02

 

[rthnck]

I think that sharing in an intimate moment is much better than sending links to blogs and web sites, although a visual aid once we're talking is not a bad thing. It's important to be in control of the message, and be able to talk and answer questions instead of risking a possible misinterpretation. I would much rather have an interactive discussion than force her to try to figure out what I'm trying to say.

I fully agree but the OP has already indicated that she's having trouble communicating. This was just a suggestion that may work for her. Everyone has to find the best way to communicate when discussing intimacy. The biggest issue is trying to avoid hurt feelings, bruised egos, or just shock at a partner's desires. My own experiences involve emails which give us time to process and decide how to respond. But that's me. The OP is looking for ways to communicate. The suggestion of a tumblr is just one of many.

 

[BGN86]

I wish my wife and I had a bit better communication. Don't get me wrong we have a really good sex life, but there are things I'd like to bring up. I get the feeling she would be a bit judgmental if she wasn't interested.
Mostly i'd love for her to bring up her fantasies. I assume every woman has them, but she claims to be ver vanilla. Not saying I would love BDSM or whatever, but it would be a turn on knowing she had interest in a specific kink and I'd be more than willing to incorporate that into our sex lives from time to time.

 

[subwannabe]

There are fantasies and there are fantasies. Having a threesome could be a fantasy. Doing some form of BDSM could be a fantasy. Having sex with another woman could be a fantasy. Having anal sex could be a fantasy. Getting raped or gangbanged could be a fantasy. BUT, don't forget, it is very possible that she just fantasizes about having a massage or whirlpool bath with oils and candles followed by missionary position sex with her husband. That can be a fantasy to. Maybe that's all she's got in fantasyland.

 

[RedSilk69]

I wish my wife and I had a bit better communication. Don't get me wrong we have a really good sex life, but there are things I'd like to bring up. I get the feeling she would be a bit judgmental if she wasn't interested.
Mostly i'd love for her to bring up her fantasies. I assume every woman has them, but she claims to be ver vanilla. Not saying I would love BDSM or whatever, but it would be a turn on knowing she had interest in a specific kink and I'd be more than willing to incorporate that into our sex lives from time to time.

She may not be in touch with what she wants - look at N2Outdoors's idea just above, and see if that helps. She'll have a number of stories that each may pique her interest.

We women are bombarded with images of us being the gatekeepers, the responsible ones, without runaway desires or kinky fantasies. It can take time to get over that.