How to come out to very conservative parents?

[BreezyBreanna]

Hi, I'm not sure whether this has been posted or not and I'm sorry if it has been but I need serious advice and thought this might be a nice place to find it. I've known I was gay since I was at least 11 years old but I was always terrified of it, being told it was wrong by both my parents and the pastor of my church so for years I buried it deep inside, praying that God just take it away and that he make me normal but over the past couple of years I've come to realize that I'm perfectly normally and that who I love and who I'm attracted to doesn't change that and I hope to make my parents realized the same thing. Does anyone have any advice about what would the best way to approach the matter or if I should just wait longer? At least until I finish school. I'm scared that if I tell them they'll stop helping me pay for my necessities while I'm here but its gotten to the point where I can't be happy with myself until I tell them.

 

[stickygirl]

Assuming you are over 18yrs, because you shouldn't be here otherwise, then there is a wealth of LGBT help online and via telephone helplines and such - just Google.
Here's a good resource for you to read up
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/4k02pR7FP6J4C83C5t7HZdM/coming-out

You are not alone, even if it feels like it right now, so don't despair. Families are the most difficult people to come out to, so you could maybe leave off telling them straight away if it seems too difficult.

Good luck

 

[Learin]

My dad had a hard time wrapping his head around the fact that his precious daughter slept with both boys and girls. He could never accept the fact and went to grave thinking that his daughter was the most perverted thing to have walked on this earth.

I had a job when I came out. I wasn't afraid of him, or anyone for that matter. I was independent and was on my own.

You're too young. Hold off until you're strong enough to face them and the consequences. If they're understanding, I'm sure they'll come around in the near future. If not....well, you can be on your own instead of facing their scowl or disgusted expressions.

I hope it works out.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Logically speaking, if your parents are religious nuts or anti-gay influenced by the righteous church, refrain yourself from revealing this dirty secret. If someone has you by your metaphorical bollocks, it's wise to wait until you're at an advantage.

You're still at college. There's a long way to go. Just seal your lips shut and wait until you have a job, or hit the lottery big time. Either way, they can't do anything other than accept the fact when you come out of the closet.

 

[Harold_Hill]

Do you enjoy giving other people grief? Coming out won't make your life any different, but it will certainly make your parents life more difficult. Try thinking of other people for a change.

 

[stickygirl]

Do you enjoy giving other people grief? Coming out won't make your life any different, but it will certainly make your parents life more difficult. Try thinking of other people for a change.

Make your parents life more difficult how, exactly? That their narrow view of the world might have to change? That they might have to weigh their conservative values in the scales of loving their child, no matter what?
Parents don't own you, but they do have a lifelong commitment to love you. As a parent you cannot decide what kind of child you're going to have: are they going to smart, go into business, be a lawyer, be an artist? You don't know - you can't know. That's the deal when you have kids - you count their fingers, delight at their first words and at being able to walk, be healthy, have friends and yes, find love themselves. Now if that means that your child is gay or trans or autistic or any other born-that-way characteristic, would you deny them love… because it doesn't exactly copy the way you lived your life?
That's not to say you've explode a bomb under them with some big announcement - everyone has to find the right time, the right time to speak up. What you don't do is live a lie for the sake of your parents or to deceive them for ever.
At some point we have to cut loose from our parents and be our own person. That isn't being selfish - it's life.

 

[stickygirl]

Logically speaking, if your parents are religious nuts or anti-gay influenced by the righteous church, refrain yourself from revealing this dirty secret.

https://38.media.tumblr.com/02a7de09173b9163517865fc4a19ce68/tumblr_nbjpj0JbLs1tyugrlo1_500.gif

 

[Harold_Hill]

Make your parents life more difficult how, exactly? That their narrow view of the world might have to change? That they might have to weigh their conservative values in the scales of loving their child, no matter what?
Parents don't own you, but they do have a lifelong commitment to love you. As a parent you cannot decide what kind of child you're going to have: are they going to smart, go into business, be a lawyer, be an artist? You don't know - you can't know. That's the deal when you have kids - you count their fingers, delight at their first words and at being able to walk, be healthy, have friends and yes, find love themselves. Now if that means that your child is gay or trans or autistic or any other born-that-way characteristic, would you deny them love… because it doesn't exactly copy the way you lived your life?
That's not to say you've explode a bomb under them with some big announcement - everyone has to find the right time, the right time to speak up. What you don't do is live a lie for the sake of your parents or to deceive them for ever.
At some point we have to cut loose from our parents and be our own person. That isn't being selfish - it's life.

You are right! You don't owe your parent's a fucking thing. They didn't bring you into this world, and give you the opportunity to experience life. They didn't feed, clothe and protect you, and put up with your bullshit until you are old enough to tie your shoes. And how do you repay them for all they did for you? Hey mom and dad, guess what? I'm queer, not go tell all of your friends what a failure you are as a parent! But that's OK because no one's feelings matters but your own.

Do you realize you don't even have a right to exist? Sometimes I wonder if parents could foresee how their children would turn out as adults, how many parents would've had an abortion, and not wasted 20 years of their life on selfish, self centered children? You may not owe the rest of the world anything, but you owe your parent's your very life!

 

[Sammael Bard]

https://38.media.tumblr.com/02a7de09173b9163517865fc4a19ce68/tumblr_nbjpj0JbLs1tyugrlo1_500.gif

Er, I meant it was a "dirty secret" from the parents' and church's perspective, not for the OP's.

Sorry for the confusion.

 

[Yasuo_]

I'm scared that if I tell them they'll stop helping me pay for my necessities while I'm here

Yeah, I felt the same way you do about telling my incredibly religious parents that I was leaning towards atheism. It was not easy and it doesn't just end the day you tell them. I know that we're talking about apples and oranges here, but I wanted to post to let you know I know how you feel to some extent.

Hope all goes well. Good luck.

 

[LinusRules]

It seems to me that if you're comfortable with who you are then that's what is really important. And if that is the case then think about your situation in terms of what is best for you and right now that would be to finish college. Then as others have said you no longer would necessarily be financially dependent on them.

All that said, I suspect you want more from your relationship with your parents. If there is one you think would be more understanding, you could try telling that parent and then see where things go. Always remember your parents love you deeply regardless of how they respond to this. That may not sound true but it is. You'll always be their little girl even if they are disappointed. Just remember to always be more forgiving than they are as it may be needed someday.

Best of luck

 

[Bramblethorn]

OP: I'm leaning towards "wait until you finish school" but it's hard to say; both choices have their risks and you have to judge for yourself how hard it'll be to stay quiet until then. And feel free to put Harold on ignore, he's always like this.

Do you enjoy giving other people grief? Coming out won't make your life any different, but it will certainly make your parents life more difficult. Try thinking of other people for a change.

Nonsense. Being closeted can be extremely stressful and it can harm relationships, both with your partner (it kinda sucks feeling that the person you love won't publicly acknowledge you) and with the people you're concealing it from - it creates a mindset where everything has to go through a filter of "what can I share with this person?" And there's the strain of worrying about whether they'll find out anyway, and about whether they'd prefer just to hear the truth.

What do you do when you're 25 or 30 and your parents are asking if you're seeing anybody, or when they can expect grandkids? When the parents come to visit, do you hide all your partner's stuff and lie about your "roommate"?

Coming out doesn't always improve things - sometimes it means trading one set of stressors for another, sometimes it means - but it's absurd to say it "won't make your life any different".

And while some parents don't want to hear about it, others would much prefer their child was honest with them rather than lying about stuff like this.

Do you realize you don't even have a right to exist? Sometimes I wonder if parents could foresee how their children would turn out as adults, how many parents would've had an abortion, and not wasted 20 years of their life on selfish, self centered children? You may not owe the rest of the world anything, but you owe your parent's your very life!

You don't "owe" people anything for a gift that you didn't ask for.

If you believe otherwise, well, I'd just like to point out that your last "parent's" there should've been "parents", and you owe me five bucks for proofreading services.

 

[Harold_Hill]

Bramblethorn

You sound like one of those liberal PC idiots. You don't have anything of value to say, so you nit-pick at other people's posts.

 

[Garnate]

You sound like one of those liberal PC idiots. You don't have anything of value to say, so you nit-pick at other people's posts.

Still waiting for your valuable opinion in this thread, Harold. Try to play nice; I'm tired of people reporting you.

To the OP: my dad is a Catholic left wing nut. When my brother came out of the closet, he refused to talk about it. We weren't allowed discussing it in front of him ever. Not sure how long that lasted but fast forward a bit and my brother has a serious boyfriend that my dad adores and lets sleep over half the week. If my dad can come around, anyone's should be able to. You're their child. As a mother, I can't fathom ever hating my child for who they're attracted to.

 

[LadyVer]

Sometimes we have to decide to live our lives despite what others think about us, especially our families.

Some families cannot, and will not, respect the differences of other members. Whatever the outcome, you have to live your life the best way you can despite what's going on around you.

I can't relate to your issue, but it sounds similar to what I've been through as the only liberal in my family of origin. Thankfully, my kids are liberals, which is really nice. I can talk to them and we laugh a lot. We don't agree on everything, but it's nice to know my kids didn't end up like the rest of my family.

Good luck.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Around here the rule was always, DO YOUR THING AND LIVE WITH IT. AND I AINT OBLIGATED TO LIKE IT.

What frosts my cake with creamy shit are my old pals who have faggot children. As kids we were homophobic assholes who made life miserable for any fag we knew of. There's nuthin in my closet but old fuggin shoes and suits I aint put on in 10 years. So when they show up, and I don't know about Fagly or Faggette, and I talk about Old Times, all get excited because the kids don't know Daddy was a faq bully in the good old days. My wife was a racist till our daughter married a nigger. I aint obligated to alter my history because you cant handle it.

I was raised in a home where Yankees were esteemed lower than serial killers and lepers. I married a girl from New York.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I had a crush on a leper named Andy back in the day. Beautiful boy. I never told him how I felt about him and then one day it was too late; his body parts fell off and he was gone. I haven't been happy a day in my life since.

 

[Bramblethorn]

You don't have anything of value to say, so you nit-pick at other people's posts.

...says the guy who abused and belittled the OP without telling her anything useful or having the faintest clue about the topic he's opining about. Hey look, there's a Wikipedia article just for you!

 

[Leigh81]

A very tough situation, I'm bisexual & also married. Been in a relationship with another gal since Feb. I'd define it as a semi poly relationship since my husband gets involved on occasion.
In our situation our parents don't know & best they don't. We also don't want it known professionally. My husbands parents would probably be the ones who would except it best & even then......
My parents would keel over & not except it at all as they're strict Catholics. Her parents would freak if they knew she was involved with a married couple.
We have no plans of ever telling them & we're all over 30.
Your situation is definitely much tougher & you should look into some resources like stickygirl mentioned. I'd personally hold off until you get out on your own since I take it you're in university or college.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Oh! The worm will turn down the road and whats cool now will be the kiss of death later. To everything there is a season.

 

[1sickbastard]

You are right! You don't owe your parent's a fucking thing. They didn't bring you into this world, and give you the opportunity to experience life. They didn't feed, clothe and protect you, and put up with your bullshit until you are old enough to tie your shoes. And how do you repay them for all they did for you? Hey mom and dad, guess what? I'm queer, not go tell all of your friends what a failure you are as a parent! But that's OK because no one's feelings matters but your own.

Do you realize you don't even have a right to exist? Sometimes I wonder if parents could foresee how their children would turn out as adults, how many parents would've had an abortion, and not wasted 20 years of their life on selfish, self centered children? You may not owe the rest of the world anything, but you owe your parent's your very life!

So what you're saying is that a parents' responsibility to the kids produced by the parents own choice ends at the birth of their children? Are you really making the assertion that the parents are under zero obligation to feed, cloth, house or teach their children to become independent adults or accepting their children for who they actually are?

Just a guess; are you one of those 'conservatives' who believe in personal responsibility but then weasel out of as much of your own personal responsibility as you can?

 

[GiggLeGasm]

I'll intentionally ignore the posts related to HH's comments.

To the op..
I'm sorry you're in this situation. Just the fact that you want to share yourself with such honesty is truly as lovely a character as a parent should ever desire from a child. One of my sons spent a short while afraid to let me know parts of his life that he was sure I would condemn. Many of his thoughts were based on generalized hopes that I held for his future.. things about which I never expected to be challenged. As an adult who makes choices about my own life, I would stand by the choices that I told him were right. As a mom who wants nothing but the best life possible for her son, I am willing to allow him to make those adult decisions as choices for his own adult life.

I didn't realize what messages I was sending to him when I made those generalized statements. I didn't realize that I'd created a wall between us. My hope for you is that your parents can listen with softened hearts when you're ready to share this part of your life with them.

Speak with kindness.
Trust your heart.
Remind your parents that you need to share this part of your life with them, not to challenge them, but to keep communication between you open.
Share with them the understanding that you have shown here.. about how much this could rattle them.. It probably rattled you for a while too.
And know that responses during unexpected challenges sometimes need patience.. and tenderness.. and time to develop a new plan.

Be well.

 

[hashtag45]

My dad had a hard time wrapping his head around the fact that his precious daughter slept with both boys and girls. He could never accept the fact and went to grave thinking that his daughter was the most perverted thing to have walked on this earth.

I had a job when I came out. I wasn't afraid of him, or anyone for that matter. I was independent and was on my own.

You're too young. Hold off until you're strong enough to face them and the consequences. If they're understanding, I'm sure they'll come around in the near future. If not....well, you can be on your own instead of facing their scowl or disgusted expressions.

I hope it works out.

I agree with her.
You should tell them only when your self-esteem is high enough, or when you have a strong and loyal support group to help you weather any potential rejection and pain.
I'm saying these because: Although I can't relate to the glbt issue, I've also been there once, so to speak (aka antagonizing loved ones; but long past and burried, thank god). And feeling rejected by the ones you care about is among the most devastating experiences.
Hope all goes well.

 

[Cicca_Jai]

Search me. If my family found out I was Bi They would disown me and then kill me.
So I keep my mouth shut.
GL

 

[BertrandRussell]

... if I should just wait longer? At least until I finish school...

That sounds reasonable. But it can be a trap.

First you hide who you are because you need to finish school. Then you hide it on your first job so you can get your career established. Then you hide it just a bit longer so you can make partner...

After a while it becomes a habit. It becomes who you are. And that is not healthy.

I can't say if you should wait or not. It depends on lots of things that I don't know, such as your age, your bank account balance, and exactly how conservative your folks are.

But I can tell you this: If you do decide to wait, SET A DATE WHEN YOU WILL COME OUT. Promise yourself that you will come out on that date. Then do it.

Don't let waiting become a habit.