How to: Catch a cheating spouse

[CarnalDesires]

I believe my wife is cheating on me. I need help putting my conscious at ease. We have had a ruff patch in our marriage recently and I don’t think my wife is being honest with me when I’ve confronted her. She has changed all of her passwords for her email and AIM accounts and even opened a checking account to which she doesn’t allow me access. I’ve caught her in an affair previously (which she still won’t admit). So, I have good reason to believe this is either still going on, or she has found another. The crazy thing is that she knows I wouldn’t even mind her having flings with other men so long as they were purely physical and she kept me informed.

Does anyone know of a program or hacking method I can use to find out her new passwords? I know there are keystroke recording programs out there I can place on our computer, but I need something free. My wife has recently drained our banking accounts on her little “adventures”. Not to mention, I really don’t want her getting suspicious and covering her tracks even more thoroughly.

 

[CarnalDesires]

Oh, any other ideas, thoughts, or suggestions are welcome as well - especially if you've gone through anything similar.

 

[M's girl]

There has been a thread about this a while ago. Something along the lines of a program that could trace all keyboard-strikes (or something) was suggested. Check out the Blank Manual, you might find it there, or maybe someone else can direct you who remembers this thread. (Sorry, too busy at the moment to do an extended search myself for you).

Hope you're wrong though.... cheating sucks.

 

[sparc101]

You can use a "sniffer" of sorts that can be used to sniff out key strokes. But, these tools get pretty techincal. There are also programs that "record" stuff going on (on that computer) that you can go back to see. But I think those types of programs can really bog down your computer... and your wife might be savy enough to figure out what they are doing.

I would questions why she is looking outside the relationship. I mean you should be able to tell if things are good/bad, etc. Do you have sex? Do you hug her? Kiss her? Bring her flowers?, etc....

Personally I don't care what my SO might be doing "online". I don't look through her purse; I don't look through her sock or underware drawer; If I ever suspected someting I think I would find a time to ask... but I think prior to that I would get the feeling that she was fooling around.

 

[buxxxom]

goose and gander?

Your profile states that you are a fun attractive guy looking for attractive women. You even list your email addy. Perhaps your wife found out you were looking at Lit and even elsewhere for outside attentions. Does she know you have advertised on Lit?

Personally, I find this upsetting on many levels.

 

[CarnalDesires]

Thanks. I tried a search but didn't find anything. I'll have to look again.

As far as what I'm doing wrong. I don't know. It's complicated. I know that I am not an inherently romantic person. But with that knowledge I try even harder. It's just not easy for me to just naturally think of romantic things. But I do try. ( full body lotion messages, candle lit bubble baths when she wakes up or has had a long day, making candle lit dinners, I complement her as often as possible, I kiss her, hug her, and cuddle with her as much as she lets me, etc, etc) Though, we don't have sex very often and when we do, it's pretty... well, it's not exactly exciting. That sucks a lot for me. But she was molested as a child and still struggles with certain sexual issues. So, I don't push anything she's uncomfortable with - which, unfortunately for me, is most everything.

I'm a very understanding and trusting (sometimes overly) person. I don't go snooping about her business. But once my trust has been broken, it's tough to gain it back. Like I said, I've caught her before. I'm not an idiot! I think it's pretty obvious that I'm currently suspicious. And as already stated, I HAVE confronted her.

We, or at least I, have been working on our marriage from the moment I found out she was unhappy. Believe it or not, I didn’t know. The problem is that she’s unhappy with herself right now. She’s projecting it on our marriage. By MY insistence, we are going through counseling and whatever else it takes to save it. However, she’s not taking it very seriously and has been acting very suspicious and out of character. This is not something that I am misconstruing. I have had several discussions with her parents about how they are worried about her for the same reasons. She is not being herself right now. She’s being dishonest and I know her well enough now to recognize that I cannot trust her about this matter at this time.

But thanks, sparc101, I do appreciate your jumping to conclusions.

 

[CarnalDesires]

Your profile states that you are a fun attractive guy looking for attractive women. You even list your email addy. Perhaps your wife found out you were looking at Lit and even elsewhere for outside attentions. Does she know you have advertised on Lit?

Personally, I find this upsetting on many levels.

Ha. good point. Thank you.
We have not been married very long. I need to change my profile. I don't get on here very often and have completely forgoten about it to tell you the truth. Though I have not had sex with anyone esle since meeting my wife, we have been open to sex with others as long as it was discussed with each other. I stated this previously. I also said the thing we aren't OK with is an emotional attachment to another. However, I do realize that this problem we are currently having is requiring us to re-evaluate some of those things. I will be changing my profile listing at least for now. Thank you for pointing that out to me.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Ha. good point. Thank you.
We have not been married very long. I need to change my profile. I don't get on here very often and have completely forgoten about it to tell you the truth.

Yeah. Good save, Carnal

 

[CarnalDesires]

Ha-ha. Yeah, that does sound pretty lame, huh? I know. I'm pathetic. haha

 

[borisk]

You need to search for key loggers, these can be installed via email or physical access to the machine. I don't know the legality of use for these applications if used as evidence in divorce court.

 

[SesameStreet]

You have not been married very long and you know she has already had an affair? Then why are you suspicious of her having another one? If she has already has had one in a new marriage I'll bet the bank without even hacking that she is having another one. I think both of you definitely need counseling of some type.

 

[StrixVaria]

Try a KeyKatcher - it's a physical device as opposed to a program.

 

[SweetErika]

I'd look at the possibility that she's getting ready to leave the marriage. That's what it sounds like to me, with the drained accounts and out-of-character behavior that her parents have noticed too.

She's already cheated in a new marriage, has drained your bank account, is acting suspicious, you have a shitty sex life, don't trust her and she's not taking counseling seriously...why are you still with this person?

I know that's harsh, and I'm sorry you married the wrong person and are going through this, but it sounds like your best bet could be getting out now, before more damage is done, or god forbid, she gets pregnant.

 

[M's girl]

And I would have to agree with Erika (how odd is that? )

Seriously though.... that's what it would look like to me too, although I almost know for certain I would not want to face that horrible possibility if I was in your situation...

 

[Amora]

I agree with the PPs. It sounds like it is time to face the possibility of going out on your own and making a fresh start with someone else.

Certainly sounds to me like you are making an effort and I commend that but honestly, if the other person isn't putting in the same amount then you are going to get nowhere no matter how much counselling you have.

Is it possible to organise a meeting/talk with her involving not just you but her parents as well where you can all express your concerns. it is, of course possible, that she is not having an affair but that the marriage and counselling has cvaused some old feelings and memories to surface that are causing her to distance herself form her current world, blaming it and you for making her remember those long buried events. If that is the situation then she needs some personal counselling too.

I really think sitting her down and discussing this, with her parents also expressing their concerns and worry for her in a non-confrontational, concerned manner might at least help you all to get some answers. Just be prepared for what those answers might be.

Good luck

Amora

 

[northernhaze]

StealthMail Freeware

Try this one. However, before using this tool ask yourself if you REALLY WANT TO KNOW it. Think it over very thoroughly before doing anything.


StealthMail
For Windows 9x/ME/NT/2000/XP
The Idea:
StealthMail is an email "robot" which sends out emails periodically, yet the program can be set to be "invisible" on the installed computer. The original purpose of such a program is to provide network administrators with a data collection method for workstations placed under potentially hostile environments. The program sends out emails at certain time intervals with any file attachment. And the program can be set to be hidden so that it won't be discovered.

StealthMail is perfect to work with Invisible KeyLogger. It can send out the collected keystroke information periodically.

Optionally, you can use StealthMail without the "stealth" features. This way, StealthMail will just act as an email "robot" which sends out emails at pre-set intervals.

The Implementation:

StealthMail is implemented as a single-exe Windows executable. No installation necessary. Just save it to the directory where you want to install it. Then double-click to run, check all the desired settings, and click the "Start Robot Sending" button to start sending emails continuously at time intervals. When you reboot your computer, the program can either be started automatically or you can manually start it.

You can rename the program executable to any name to increase "stealth" if you so choose.

Download:

stealthmail.zip (22KB, zipp'ed) (Release 1.1)

StealthMail is free for personal use. If you intend to use it for purposes other than personal, please contact sales@amecisco.com for license quotes and support options.

http://www.keylogger.com/stealthmail.htm

 

[cloudy]

why are you still with this person?

Ditto. I've dealt with a suspicious husband before - I wasn't doing anything wrong, but he insisted I was. In the end, I absolutely hated him for the hell he put me through because of his insecurities.

You don't trust her; looks like you won't ever trust her, so leave.

Don't snoop. It's despicable behavior, and everyone is entitled to some privacy, married or not.

 

[Shadow_Nymph]

I'm a very understanding and trusting (sometimes overly) person. I don't go snooping about her business.

Well said.. by the guy monitering her online activity and trying to read her emails...

 

[cloudy]

Well said.. by the guy monitering her online activity and read her emails...

I noticed that, too.

Honestly, if I found out that my SO was using something like a keystroke program, going through my purse, hacking into my email, or any kind of snooping, I would break land speed records getting to my attorney's office to file for divorce. Cheating wouldn't have fuck-all to do with it.

If I can't trust my SO, then it's my stupidity to blame for staying in the relationship.

 

[emptynester]

My husband and I have been friends with this couple who have been married for 20+ years. He became convinced she was having an affair with the Dr. she works for. He set up a recorder on his home telephone and taped several conversations. He shows up on our doorstep one evening and played the tape for us.

It was sick. I would rather have not known for sure myself than to hear some of the things I heard. As for him, he ended up in the psych ward of our local hospital without a belt or shoestrings in his shoes.

It has taken him a couple of years to get to where he can deal with all of this. He became obsessed with letting everyone in town know. He called her and the Dr. at work. Threatened to tell his wife, even drove around with a bumper sticker he made up himself about the Doc sleeping with his wife. She has had several restraining orders against him. Doesn't keep him away at all.

I guess what I am trying to say is if you are suspicious and all the signs are there, make the first move. It will not help to know all the details. I am not one to normally say give up on the marriage, but I have seen first hand what waiting, watching and then knowing for sure can do to a person. You don't need to know details of her cheating to decide what to do.

I suggest confronting the situation in a normal/sane conversation. Whether she admits it or not, you have to decide what you believe and what you can or can't live with.

 

[sellthecookie]

im not sure i know any software that cracks codes or something, but even if i did, i wouldn't recommend it.

i think you should just try being upfront with her, and get it out out her yourself.

if she's cheating, there might be some deep-seated reason for it, and that's what needs to be addressed.

there, just a friendly advice. i hope things work out for the better for both of you.

 

[naxalite0906]

Ditto. I've dealt with a suspicious husband before - I wasn't doing anything wrong, but he insisted I was. In the end, I absolutely hated him for the hell he put me through because of his insecurities.

You don't trust her; looks like you won't ever trust her, so leave.

Don't snoop. It's despicable behavior, and everyone is entitled to some privacy, married or not.

What is worse though.. snooping because you are overly suspicious about something (and this isnt silly things, this is something where you genuinely know something is wrong) or cheating on a husband/bf who has done nothing wrong in the relationship and trusted you with everything.

I was in a relationship where I trusted my gf with my life. I let her do whatever she wanted and never snooped. She repayed that by cheating on me and turning me into someone who is just paranoid about everything and can never trust again. I didnt ask to be hurt like that, especially by the person who meant more to me than anything else.

 

[SweetErika]

What is worse though.. snooping because you are overly suspicious about something (and this isnt silly things, this is something where you genuinely know something is wrong) or cheating on a husband/bf who has done nothing wrong in the relationship and trusted you with everything.

I was in a relationship where I trusted my gf with my life. I let her do whatever she wanted and never snooped. She repayed that by cheating on me and turning me into someone who is just paranoid about everything and can never trust again. I didnt ask to be hurt like that, especially by the person who meant more to me than anything else.

I'm glad to hear you're out of that relationship and have the opportunity to find someone who deserves you, Nax.

 

[naxalite0906]

I'm glad to hear you're out of that relationship and have the opportunity to find someone who deserves you, Nax.

Might be waiting a while for that erika.. lol..

I'm still in two minds if I did the right thing.. I miss her so much, it just annoyed me that she could never make it up to me in any way. It was like she couldnt think of anything.

 

[naamplao]

Hmmmm....I was on the end of a false accusation.

I was a decent hard working husband with a jealous wife. I could have no friends, I could not even have family members visit from out of town without her carping for a week afterward. One day I was accused of having an affaire...Apparently eye-witnesses saw me having lunch with another woman.

Now I should say that I was a sales manager at the time. The only thing I could figure this to be is that someone saw me take a client to lunch, put 2 + 2 = 6 and informed my now Ex that I had a bit on the side. I demanded to know who the spy was, who was poisoning our relationship, so I could resolve this issue but either she was winding me up or she was protecting her source for future spying.

I was furious at this false accusation and it even affected my work locally since I was always looking over my shoulder when I met a female client for a business lunch. Ultimately this behaviour drew us to the path of a divorce when the timing was right (son graduated).

Actually I still am a bit bitter over that.....