How to Become a Switch

[razorsedge]

I'm a sub, and I mean totally, not just in bed, it affects my whole personality. I love to obey, I'm eager to please, and I'm very sheltered, so tabula rasa it's scary. I'm fodder for scary men, and play-doh for twisted ones, although, lucky for me, I didn't end up with anyone abusive.

When I'm in bed, I need to be dominated. I like the rough stuff, quite a bit. I like to beg, I like to be commanded, I like talking dirty and foreplay that resembles a wrestling match. That's what I really like, but I can live with a just a little assertiveness. All I really need is for a guy to make the first move, to show me what he wants, and to obviously take pleasure in my body. If I have to be on top, I can't even get wet.

Which is my problem, I'm a sub, and my boyfriend is too. At least I think he is. We don't really have sex anymore, because he will not make a move. Every time we do have sex, I have to top. I lay him down on the bed, pull his pants down, suck him till he's hard, ride him till he comes. I hate it because he just lies there, he doesn't say anything at all or touch me at all, just the penis part. And I can forget about foreplay. He says he's in the moment and he really enjoys it, and he's not trying to act bored or anything, but I don't understand, and even though we've talked about this before, he's not working with me.

Since I can't get aroused, sex with him is boring and uncomfortably painful, but because I'm a nympho and I want to be a good girl friend, I do it anyway. I'm obsessed with sex, and bad sex twice a month is better than no sex, although it's kind of embarrassing to put it that way.

Does anyone have any pointers on how I might be more assertive. I'm not comfortable with it, and I flounder and get awkward, but if I knew how to get started, maybe I could get into topping him. I want to at least try to learn how, before I give up. I've been living with him a long time, and love him. I just hate that things got this way between us, we used to have so much fun! Please help me, any scrap of advice would be welcome, because I'm really in the dark here. This is my first real relationship, and I don't know what I'm doing.

Wow, that was incoherent. Sorry.

Help!!

 

[SusyQ]

I'm a sub, and I mean totally, not just in bed, it affects my whole personality. I love to obey, I'm eager to please, and I'm very sheltered, so tabula rasa it's scary. I'm fodder for scary men, and play-doh for twisted ones, although, lucky for me, I didn't end up with anyone abusive.

When I'm in bed, I need to be dominated. I like the rough stuff, quite a bit. I like to beg, I like to be commanded, I like talking dirty and foreplay that resembles a wrestling match. That's what I really like, but I can live with a just a little assertiveness. All I really need is for a guy to make the first move, to show me what he wants, and to obviously take pleasure in my body. If I have to be on top, I can't even get wet.

Which is my problem, I'm a sub, and my boyfriend is too. At least I think he is. We don't really have sex anymore, because he will not make a move. Every time we do have sex, I have to top. I lay him down on the bed, pull his pants down, suck him till he's hard, ride him till he comes. I hate it because he just lies there, he doesn't say anything at all or touch me at all, just the penis part. And I can forget about foreplay. He says he's in the moment and he really enjoys it, and he's not trying to act bored or anything, but I don't understand, and even though we've talked about this before, he's not working with me.

Since I can't get aroused, sex with him is boring and uncomfortably painful, but because I'm a nympho and I want to be a good girl friend, I do it anyway. I'm obsessed with sex, and bad sex twice a month is better than no sex, although it's kind of embarrassing to put it that way.

Does anyone have any pointers on how I might be more assertive. I'm not comfortable with it, and I flounder and get awkward, but if I knew how to get started, maybe I could get into topping him. I want to at least try to learn how, before I give up. I've been living with him a long time, and love him. I just hate that things got this way between us, we used to have so much fun! Please help me, any scrap of advice would be welcome, because I'm really in the dark here. This is my first real relationship, and I don't know what I'm doing.

Wow, that was incoherent. Sorry.

Help!!

In all honesty, I don't really think you're topping him. I think he's not interested in sex with you, for whatever reason. There's a difference between being submissive and being selfish. He's the latter.

Of course you're obsessed with sex. You're not getting any. You're getting your BF off and there's no intimacy or communication involved. Actually, I think no sex would be better -- at least then you wouldn't feel weird for feeling empty. Also, it wouldn't hurt physically.

That having been said, you don't say much else about your relationship, so it's hard to know why he doesn't want to have sex with you. Is he good to you otherwise? Is this a recent change? Or has he always been this way, telling you he's "submissive"?

 

[sunandshadow]

You shouldn't try to force yourself to be someone you're not in order to please a guy who doesn't seem interested in playing you.

But because it's a challenging question, I'll attempt an answer - read some stories where you get to see the thoughts of a dominant. You would probably enjoy that anyway, if you were identifying with the sub in the story, but try to remember how the dom is thinking and get a feel for it, then you can ask yourself "what would he think and do here?" when you want to try to act dominant.

 

[razorsedge]

Thanks for the tip, I appreciate the input.

And, by the way, how the hell did my thread duplicate itself? There was only one a minute ago. Must be my embarrassing lack of internet know-how. Or maybe the threads can breed.

 

[razorsedge]

It's not recent, and it's not just the sex that's gone downhill. He's not interested in me at all. We haven't had a meal together in three months. Or even a cup of coffee. We have kids. He won't spend any time at home. I'm trying to work things out, but maybe it's just time to go. Five years and two little girls, but I guess I'm just kidding myself at this point.

 

[SweetErika]

It's not recent, and it's not just the sex that's gone downhill. He's not interested in me at all. We haven't had a meal together in three months. Or even a cup of coffee. We have kids. He won't spend any time at home. I'm trying to work things out, but maybe it's just time to go. Five years and two little girls, but I guess I'm just kidding myself at this point.

Yeah, it sounds like this goes WAY beyond the bedroom. The lousy sex is just a symptom of the greater problem(s).

Have you tried counseling together, or even alone if he won't go?

Have you asked him if he wants to be in the marriage anymore?

It's a tough situation, but remember that your girls aren't going to be any better off for seeing a crappy relationship modeled or parents who are unhappy, either. And if you do split up, at least you'll both have the opportunity to find happiness and better matches.

I feel for you!

 

[SweetErika]

Thanks for the tip, I appreciate the input.

And, by the way, how the hell did my thread duplicate itself? There was only one a minute ago. Must be my embarrassing lack of internet know-how. Or maybe the threads can breed.

You either accidentally hit the Submit button twice or there was a hiccup in the system. If you want, you can just edit your first post in this one to the link to the other one by clicking the Edit button at the bottom of the post, so people will be redirected to that one. Or, you can private message LadyG (How To's moderator) with the links to both and ask her to merge them, or delete the one you don't want.

 

[razorsedge]

Cool thanks, for helping me out, SweetErika.

 

[subwannabe]

I must admit your post seems to be very confusing and somewhat contradictory. If I had to guess I would say the post came from a young girl with her first boyfriend and they are struggling to make things work but then your post reads that you have been together for years and have kids to boot. The main thing I read from your post is an amazing inability at communication. It's hard to believe you are where you are in your relationship after this much time or how you ever got together in the first place. If my first thoughts about your post were true I would tell you to dump him and find someone else who is more what you are looking for but since kids are involved and you have been together for years you need to either figure out how to communicate better on your own or go to counseling. Good luck.

PS - it is possible that over the years he has just grown irriated (for lack of a better word) at your total submissiveness, especially if he is the one who is submissive himself - except you kind of state that you think he is submissive but are not sure. It seems like by now you should either know if he is or not.

 

[WhiteKnight326]

The main thing I read from your post is an amazing inability at communication.

...since kids are involved and you have been together for years you need to either figure out how to communicate better on your own or go to counseling. Good luck.

Could not agree more. IMO leaving is not an option. Period. I don't know how things get this far in terms of lack of communication, but that's what needs to be revived. I agree, it's not just the sex.

Why don't you ask him why? lol I mean... his sperm fertilized two of your eggs and you bore two human beings from him... I think it would be "ok" to want to know what's going on!

An interesting thing to think about regarding dom/sub... in being a "total" submissive as you say you are, you are really doing quite a lot! You are giving your complete vulnerability to someone else, you are saying without saying it what you want and need... in a way, you're actually being quite dominant in being so submissive

What needs to happen is communication. Period. Step one. THEN you can BOTH decide as a COUPLE what is next to come. If you want a bit of tough love I would tell you to suck up your hunger for being pushed around and deal with where that comes from; which I believe is your need as a human to be wanted in some way or another. As a man, I can speak for your SO and say that I'm sure he has NO idea what's going on in your head No matter how obvious you think it is. So tell him! Communicate! There are much deeper problems that are tangled in this, and they will never un-knot themselves. It takes work, and it most certainly can be done. Have a long talk. Just do it

And please, for your own sakes, but if you want to ignore those, please for the sake of your children, make it work. You always can.

 

[Feelfreetotouch]

You have to look at it as if your being top is your way to please your master. He wants you to take control so do it.

 

[SweetErika]

Could not agree more. IMO leaving is not an option. Period.
<snip>
And please, for your own sakes, but if you want to ignore those, please for the sake of your children, make it work. You always can.

We don't know the state of their relationship, or anything about them really. Given that, how can you be absolutely certain they can make the relationship work, or even should stay together?

It could very well be a shitty relationship that's harmful for the kids to see. Or, the kids might be better off seeing their parents happy alone, or in loving relationships with different people.

I certainly agree they should try to make it work with communication, counseling, or whatever else they can come up with that might help in case there's a chance at improving the relationship to the point where everyone's healthy and happy. Relationships that involve kids can, and do, end, just like relationships without kids involved end, though. People learn they're different, grow apart over time or come up against things that make for irreconcilable differences. It just happens.

'Staying together for the kids' might make the adult(s) feel better in some regard, as it's often used as a justification for avoiding a difficult life change. However, children need healthy relationship models to be more likely to be emotionally healthy, happy and grow up to have healthy relationships themselves. Staying in a loveless relationship or one in which there's a lot of distance, turmoil, any kind of abuse or a lack of communication is simply not in the best interest of the children.

I can't recall ever hearing, "I'm so glad my parents stayed in their shitty relationship for me. I'm better off because of that."

I do hear, "It was painful, but I'm glad my parents got out of their shitty relationship so we could all be happier," though!

 

[WhiteKnight326]

Yes, but I believe that everything can be fixed... relationship-wise at least.

And being a child that went through a nasty divorce, I can say I would never wish that on my worst enemy.

If things are to take a turn for the better, the first step is communication.

 

[SweetErika]

Yes, but I believe that everything can be fixed... relationship-wise at least.

And being a child that went through a nasty divorce, I can say I would never wish that on my worst enemy.

If things are to take a turn for the better, the first step is communication.

If everything could be fixed, we'd have far fewer break-ups. I've had relationships that were salvageable if we had both tried harder and done different things; I've also been in ones in which we just grew into different people or realized there were insurmountable differences that couldn't be fixed/changed (and still leave us semi-happy).

My parents also had a nasty divorce. Even though they tried to shield me from a lot of the vitriol, the pain and anger were apparent for a long time. The truth is that they never should have gotten married in the first place; my mom knew it was a mistake on her wedding day, and then just tried to make it work and keep quiet because she had a young child and the emotional abuse helped beat her into thinking she wasn't good enough to leave. My dad lied, cheated multiple times, made bad decisions, was controlling and acted like he wasn't in a partnership.

I'm worse off for seeing even just a tiny piece of his behavior and their interactions, even though they did a good job shielding me from the fighting for a long time.

No one will ever be able to convince me that their marriage could have, or should have, been saved, or that I am not better off for seeing my parents happier and healthier for part of my childhood, or even that they should have stayed together as long as they did.

Divorce is painful; seeing a shitty relationship modeled is worse. It's easier for kids to heal from a break up than try to fix behaviors and traits ingrained from birth later in life.

 

[mrcaj]

Sex slave

I'm a sub, and I mean totally, not just in bed, it affects my whole personality. I love to obey, I'm eager to please, and I'm very sheltered, so tabula rasa it's scary. I'm fodder for scary men, and play-doh for twisted ones, although, lucky for me, I didn't end up with anyone abusive.

When I'm in bed, I need to be dominated. I like the rough stuff, quite a bit. I like to beg, I like to be commanded, I like talking dirty and foreplay that resembles a wrestling match. That's what I really like, but I can live with a just a little assertiveness. All I really need is for a guy to make the first move, to show me what he wants, and to obviously take pleasure in my body. If I have to be on top, I can't even get wet.

Which is my problem, I'm a sub, and my boyfriend is too. At least I think he is. We don't really have sex anymore, because he will not make a move. Every time we do have sex, I have to top. I lay him down on the bed, pull his pants down, suck him till he's hard, ride him till he comes. I hate it because he just lies there, he doesn't say anything at all or touch me at all, just the penis part. And I can forget about foreplay. He says he's in the moment and he really enjoys it, and he's not trying to act bored or anything, but I don't understand, and even though we've talked about this before, he's not working with me.

Since I can't get aroused, sex with him is boring and uncomfortably painful, but because I'm a nympho and I want to be a good girl friend, I do it anyway. I'm obsessed with sex, and bad sex twice a month is better than no sex, although it's kind of embarrassing to put it that way.

Does anyone have any pointers on how I might be more assertive. I'm not comfortable with it, and I flounder and get awkward, but if I knew how to get started, maybe I could get into topping him. I want to at least try to learn how, before I give up. I've been living with him a long time, and love him. I just hate that things got this way between us, we used to have so much fun! Please help me, any scrap of advice would be welcome, because I'm really in the dark here. This is my first real relationship, and I don't know what I'm doing.

Wow, that was incoherent. Sorry.

Help!!

Just marry me and I'll turn you into my sex slave/gangbang slut lol

But I do hope you find what you're looking for.

 

[greeneyed_Lady]

I totally support the fact that you do not stay together in a bad relationship for the sake of the kids.

As for becoming a switch, I think either you are, or you aren't. Kind of like being gay, bi, male, female, etc. You will never feel like you are the dominant if you identify yourself as strictly submissive. You will feel like a fish out of water.

If he's just laying there making you do all the work he's not invested in your relationship, lazy and selfish. Either that or in a way he's passively allowing you to service him. Not the way I like things myself, but you need to have a conversation with him to know for sure what is going on.

 

[SusyQ]

And please, for your own sakes, but if you want to ignore those, please for the sake of your children, make it work. You always can.

I could not disagree with you more. It takes two people to make a relationship. This guy sounds like he has checked out and may very well be pursuing a relationship with someone else. Sure, communication is worth a try, but don't tell me that they live together, have kids together, haven't eaten or had a cup of coffee together in months and he thinks everything is peachy keen. It's entirely possible that RE can communicate reasonable wants and expectations and he will blow her off.

And what are their daughters learning from this? That women deserve nothing better than a man who is occasionally physically present. They're learning that moms sacrifice and dads take. It's a crap cycle and, as a good mom, RE shouldn't continue it. If she can stand up for herself and be treated with respect without having to kick him out, great. If not, she needs to show them that women do not need men to survive.

The greatest gift we can give our daughters is the belief they can make it on their own, that they do not have to put up with anyone's BS. If, as whole healthy adults, they choose to make a life with someone else, great. But they don't HAVE to sacrifice their self esteem for anyone.

 

[baristagirl]

This happened with me . If I wasn't on top he couldn't get hard. I'd try to be a little playful with a wrestling match and he'd yell for mommy. I tried to get more assertive and enjoy it... but that 'enjoying it' bit is critical, and I couldn't do it. I'm all about pleasing someone, doing so much of whatever they want... but if I have to be the aggressive one all the time I feel less like someone trying to please and more than a little confused and empty.

I feel much beter single if that helps you any! Sorry I couldn't give you any switch advice.

 

[SweetErika]

This happened with me . If I wasn't on top he couldn't get hard. I'd try to be a little playful with a wrestling match and he'd yell for mommy. I tried to get more assertive and enjoy it... but that 'enjoying it' bit is critical, and I couldn't do it. I'm all about pleasing someone, doing so much of whatever they want... but if I have to be the aggressive one all the time I feel less like someone trying to please and more than a little confused and empty.

Yep, it's that "all the time" part that's the killer for me, too. I'm a Dominant-leaning Switch, and while I enjoy being dominant much of the time, I do want my partner to take more control (even if it's at my request/suggestion or order) sometimes. I couldn't handle having to make every decision, not being able to delegate even big tasks, outside of the bedroom, either. My partners need to be versatile and capable people in general, leaders in some respects and followers in others.

And, well, when my partner's a bit aggressive, animalistic and very passionate in bed, I feel very wanted. I have to feel it at times, regardless of whether they're Dominant, sub or Switch.

One-note partners and those with true fetishes (i.e. they can't perform w/o X, Y or Z) simply don't cut it for me.