How to be more aggressive

[pisces_girl]

Not just in the bedroom but in general with regards to being with a guy that you're interested in. I think my personality is relatively easy going. One of the most common things I've been told about myself is that I'm nice and sweet and quiet but I'm realizing that being "the nice girl" often means that you finish last. In my experience, nice girls only end up being "the friend". How can a girl be more aggressive without being bitchy? Hopefully this makes sense.

 

[nicecthulhu]

So "nice girls" only end up being the friend? I thought it was just we guys that had that problem...

Okay, my wife is one of the nicest people I've ever known and she got my attention by saying "hi". After that, it was idle chatter and finding common interests. She was just herself and the person she was before we dated and while we dated is still basically the same person I've been married to for over ten years.

Some people think being the "nice girl" or the "nice guy" means no flirting or no suggestive banter. That's BS. If you're interested in a guy, then perhaps let him know that after you've chatted with him for awhile. And make sure he's a nice guy. My own experience tells me that "nice girls" and "nice guys" and both naughty and nice, in exactly the right way.

Guys I've known that have turned away from girls who've "started the ball rolling" were generally very insecure or thought the woman was a slut (perhaps both?). The rest of us figure she's just become exasperated at one of us TOTALLY missing ALL her signals and she is introducing herself. You don't even have to wait for Sadie Hawkin's Day...

An aggressive woman knows what she wants (i.e. which guy) and is working towards that goal. I've never understood how anyone would think that's bitchy. Especially when I was single and the rare time I was the one in the crosshairs...

Don't you think "quiet" is a much bigger problem when trying to meet guys?

 

[Lynn33]

........................................

 

[SweetErika]

It sounds like you're looking to be more assertive, and that (vs. being aggressive) would be a good fit with your personality. Is that fair?

I haven't come across many men who enjoy women who are aggressive in daily life. I've met many who enjoy some sexual aggression, but assertiveness/taking the initiative and confidence will usually do just great in the bedroom as well.

Lynn mentioned confidence, and I agree that's a huge part of assertiveness and attractiveness. So what can you do to work on your self-esteem and confidence so you feel more comfortable speaking your mind (still in kind and appropriate ways) and taking the initiative in more situations? Personally, I've found many Cognitive Behavior Therapy techniques, affirmations, treating myself well and practice to be helpful in improving my self-esteem, confidence and assertiveness.

As an introvert, I find forcing myself to socialize, ask questions and say things pretty helpful. For instance, if I'd like to get to know someone better, but I'm not sure how they feel about me, I'll just force myself to invite them to coffee or an event. I don't know how to describe the process, but it basically comes down to "spitting it out" before I have a chance to worry about how they feel or what might happen next.

Finally, I think most people really appreciate nice/kind personalities, and perhaps you're hanging around the wrong men if the ones you're encountering aren't attracted to who you are. That certainly doesn't mean you shouldn't work hard on things like confidence and assertiveness (those are important traits that the vast majority of people really appreciate as well!); it just means perhaps you should assess the type of people you've associated with previously and potentially seek out new people with whom you--as a nice woman--will finish first. Have you already looked for patterns in the people and relationships where you feel you finish last and/or don't get what you desire due to a perceived lack of aggression?

 

[amofiga]

As usual SweetErica has some great advice. When I was a young man more years ago than I want to admit, I tended to be somewhat shy in social situations....mixers (as we used to call them), parties, etc. As I got to know people, many also said "I am so shy when I'm with new people." It started to occur to me that often people are just as shy as the other, and by being "open" (not necessarily aggressive) it helps the other person relax and be more open.

As for sexual "aggressiveness" (and that can have a lot of different meanings) I think that comes with experience and confidence. As far as a woman is concerned, I think they worry about appearing to "slutty" or easy if they are "aggressive". It's a fine line. However, being honest about your feelings and needs and preferences isn't necessarily aggressive, it's just keeping lines of communication open. If by aggressive you mean approaching a man that you find attractive, there are many ways to let your interest in him be seen. Smiling and little touches to his shoulder or arm and being attentive to what he says sends him signals he will pick up on. If you're on a date, hooking your arm in his or putting your head on his shoulder for a couple of seconds when the moment allows it says a lot too. If you find yourself about to enter the sexual minefield, being honest about what you like and don't like will be greatly appreciated by him. He's doing a lot of wondering too about where your boundaries are. If you're boundaries are pretty wide, you should let him know that he doesn't have to be too afraid to let himself go sexually. Letting him know what you like and don't like in a gentle way will help prevent false starts and potholes along the way.

Truthfully, guys appreciate sweet and gentle women as long as they aren't so shy as to hide in the corner. Many guys, at least initially, get put off by sexually agressive women. They like to feel like they are making the moves. You just have to be receptive to the moves as awkward as they may seem initially. Eventually and hopefully, you'll feel comfortable enough with each other to let your "inner animal" out to play without fear of judgement.

 

[satindesire]

You know the kinds of guys you'll attract if you act sexually aggressive? Guys who are looking to get laid.

You know what kind of guys you'll attract if you're assertive and confident? Guys who are looking for a relationship.

 

[JazzBoneDawg]

to Pisces Girl...

Just go up to a guy you are attracted to and say, "Hi"...

If you were attracted to me and did that, you'd have me at "Hi"...and I am not the only guy that easy.

There are a lot more attention starved men out there that you would think...

Good hunting and Bon Chance!

 

[JazzBoneDawg]

Pisces...

Just go up to a guy you are attracted to and say, "Hi"...

If you were attracted to me and did that, you'd have me at "Hi"...and I am not the only guy that easy.

There are a lot more attention starved men out there that you would think...

Good hunting and Bon Chance!

I just read your profile...you are around college guys, oh shit...no one has "good sense" until at least 25ish...

Double Good Luck to ya!!