How to ask a girl out, when you're a total coward

[Ansi]

Alright, so here's the deal:

I'm a soon-to-be-23-year-old recent college graduate who is, to put it bluntly, a nerd. I've pretty much been a social hermit for my whole life. While all my peers in high school and college were out partying, drinking, and getting felt up, I was at home playing video games, watching Star Trek, and wishing I could find someone to try playing D&D with.

As far as socializing goes, I'm dead in the water. As a bonafide geek, my interests are so alien to normal people that I simply can't relate to them. People laugh at many of the thing I like, and the things they like don't interest me at all. To make things worse, because I've avoided socializing with people, my social skills are non-existant...I can hardly manage more than a terse "hello" before I start panicking.

Now, a while back when I was still in college, I had a revelation of sorts...I suddenly realized that I'd missed out on much of the so-called "real world". Most of it didn't bother me, but one thing hit me hard...I realized that I was lonely. *Really* lonely.

Ever since then, I've been getting steadily more and more depressed about my lack of a significant other. Every time I think about everyone else dating, loving, and having sex, I start mentally kicking myself for being too self-concious to try anything myself.

Anyway, I decided that I'd make a strong effort to try and find someone before I gave up hope completely...unfortunately, my efforts have been almost wholly unsuccessful. My utter lack of experience with the opposite sex makes me so nervous around them that I can barely speak coherently, let alone ask them out. Besides, the vast majority of girls my age in the area are non-geeks whose interests are too far diverged from my own...I'm looking for someone much like myself, and finding a person like that around here is like looking for a needle in a haystack (especially since 'people like me' tend to stay socially secluded just like I do).



...anyway, that's my backstory. Now, here's the important part: I think I may have actually *found* the proverbial needle.


Here's the story: Back in my last few weeks of college, I was paired with a classmate for a project in one of my computer classes. She was nice enough, and did her part just fine, but we really didn't have much to do with each other beyond the project.

Not very long afterwards, said classmate approached me after class, asking me for help. Apparently, she'd been having trouble with some of the end-of-class concepts and wanted some extra help, so as not to be in trouble during the looming exams. Having already worked with me on the project, she felt I was a good person to get help from.

Despite the fact that this wasn't true (I'm a *terrible* tutor), I managed to help her figure out what she needed to. We went on to take our exams soon thereafter. Since I was a senior, this marked the end of my college days, and I went back home to get on with my life. It never really occured to me to really get to know her (plus, I was naturally scared to death of her ). Besides, she still had another year of college, so I figured I wouldn't be seeing her around.


Now, here's where it gets interesting. College started back a couple of months ago (duh). This didn't mean anything to me at first, since I was over and done with it. However...

A couple of weeks after classes began, I got an e-mail from, you guessed it, the girl in question. For reasons I still don't fully understand, she wanted me to continue helping her with her studies (after all, there are other tutors far better qualified than me). As a senior, she was now taking several of the classes I'd just finished, so she figured I'd be able to help like I had before.

Being the kind of guy I am, I couldn't just sit back and let her GPA take a hit, so I said "Sure, why not?" Besides, she was the closest thing I had to a friend.

So guess what? Now she really *is* a friend. With all the time we spent together studying, we started getting to know each other. Turns out she's a pseudo-geek; she likes a lot of the same activities I do (like TV and gaming), yet possesses actual social skills. The best of both worlds...plus, she's really cute...

...er, ahem. Well, after spending so much time around her, I've actually managed to make friends with her. For the past few weeks we've been hanging out for fun rather than studying, and I for one have never been happier. I've actually got someone to play video games against now...plus, it's amazing just how much more *fun* things are when there's someone there with me.


So, anyway, I think you can see where I'm going with this. I think I may very well be developing an attraction to her. Personality-wise, she's definitely the kind of girl I could be with. She likes many of the same things I do, and she's very sweet. She's also 'subdued' in the sense that she doesn't go around partying, drinking, and screwing like a hedonist, like most other college students. This makes me feel much more comfortable around her, as I can relate to her more readily. Plus, she's got nice, perky breasts...and a great butt...and she's soooo cute...


*takes a cold shower*


Well, you get the idea. I'm smitten.

So, guys and girls, what should I do? I know I like this girl, and I feel I could eventually fall in love with her if given the chance. I know that she likes me, at least as a friend...

On the one hand, I would love nothing better than to ask her out, and possibly end up with her as my--dare I say it!?--girlfriend. On the other hand, though, I'm terrified of trying to say anything about it to her. I've never even had a female friend before, let alone asked a girl out...I'm operating in totally alien territory here. I'm so afraid of saying the wrong thing, or acting like an idiot, that I can't bring myself to give it a shot.

Besides, there's always the chance that she doesn't like me the way I like her. First off, there's my body...I'm fat, and not terribly attractive. It's one thing to be friends with someone, but I'm not sure she'd desire a guy with my physical aspects for a boyfriend. Plus, she may just not be romantically attracted to me at all. If I ask her outright, and she rejects me, I think I might well break down crying right then and there...my self-esteem is already in the toilet. And, worst of all, I may risk losing my new friend by asking such questions...

But...I know I can't just sit idly by. This is the first and only chance I've ever had at a girl...I'd kill myself if I passed it up.


So, what should I do? Should I just come right out and say "I am *so* hot for you"? Should I try some covert ops to find out if she'd be interested in me? Should I start pawing through her trash and making obscene phone calls to her room? Should I show her my collection of anal sex toys?

Even if it's just a small bit of advice, please post it here. I need all the help I can get here.



P.S: Cuuuuuute.

 

[Noor]

I would stay on a friendly basis with her as she is currently your only freind from what I can tell. She doesn't seem shy and will probably make a move on you if she is interested in time.

I think you should make a few more friends somehow so you can practice your social skills a bit.

You don't sound like a coward to me, just inexperienced and rightfully concerned that you may lose her as a friend.

You could tell her what you have told us here, minus the stuff about her, but tell her about never asking anyone out, ect... and get her advice too.

 

[SIC]

When i was reading your novel there lol. I think by the end your attiude was changing.

Now, If this is really the first girl you have been with dont just jump out and say "Im so hot for you and could see myself falling in love with you" that well just scare her away.

If she is willing to spend time you with "hang out" and she is calling you just stick with that for right now. Get to know her better and take her out and try somehting new dont just sitt at home and watch tv.

Never ever bash yourself there is nothing wrong with you. If a girl ever turns you down because of look just be screw you and say to yourself she wasnt good enough FOR ME. Never take a girl turning you down personal its going to happen and you cant let it get to u. There are tons of girls out there.

I was in a relationship for a long time and when it was over i didnt really know what to say to girls because they use to come to me. That stopped so i had to figure out what to do. So one morning i woke up and was like fuck it i am going to talk to any girl i want and if they dont like me i well walk away with my head up and try again. I remeber one night i got reject at the bar like 20times guy. I was like no big deal i was new to this. I just kept trying and got better and better at it. Then i was picking girls up all over the place and my friends were getting mad saying how is he doing this?

Just remeber the guy that gets reject the most gets the most numbers.

Ps i am still single not because i cant get a girl but because i dont want it right now.

 

[Bobmi357]

As one of the original, pocket protecting, calculator toting geeks, I can really relate to your problem.

You've found a friend that might turn into something much more meaningful, but the simple fact is, if you don't stop sitting on that fence post, sooner or later you'll be in your 30's and realize that life has pretty much passed you by.

Those of us that grew up with stunted social skills have trouble understanding how our fellow humans are able to relate so easily. The advice they offer sounds so reasonable and easy until we try to put it into practise and then we turn into quivering blobs of jello before we retreat once again into the safety of our net connection, or our rpg worlds.

For me it took a revelation of a bibilcal sort before I managed to muster up the courage needed to approach that cute girl. Life is like a lottery. If you don't play, you can't win. Sure you can lose and everyone hates to lose, but if you don't throw those dice you'll never win. EVER.

Another revelation, girls are people too. Sure many of them may appear to be more worldly than you, and many may scare you. But we're all groping towards that elusive goal of happiness. No one handed them a manual on relating with others and omitted handing you yours.

Now you're finding yourself at the beginnings of a possible relationship and you don't know where its going. Theres nothing wrong with that. A lot of people are uncertain of themselves at the beginning of a relationship. You don't have to bare your soul to your friend in order to find out where its going. A simple "Where are we heading with this friendship?" should be enough to trigger the necessary conversation. You may find her experience is scary, but if she cares about you, she'll understand your reluctance and desire to go slowly. And if she feels anything for you, a conversation about where you both are heading would probably be most welcome.

My advice is to take the plunge and talk to her. Your friendship has already taught you some of the social skills you need, and just maybe she's willing to help you learn the rest.

 

[Lust Engine]

Sometimes (and I'm not 110% sure if this is one of them YET) you have to take that risk in just asking her out. No risk = no gain.

I'd just continue hanging out with her and let the friendship really deepen. She might be feeling the same thing as well. Now granted both of you guys are in school and I've always felt awkward about in-school relationships. You guys have SO much growing to do while in school. That's not to say people don't fall in love IN school but I've always tried to focus on school first. If that person was meant to be the do-all, end-all... she'll still be there after school.

Keep her close by still hanging out with her and you'll know when you need to take the plunge in crossing that fine line.

 

[English Lady]

I agree with Bobmi, you need to ask...just something like "where is this friendship going?" Or something like that and just discuss it with her. Then you both know where you're up to and you can go from there. If you don't ask -you'll never find out.

Oh just one thing make sure you ask at a good time, not a time when she's stressed or rushed; a time when you're just relaxing together and talking anyway.

 

[Ansi]

Uh...Mr. Fire Engine...? I'm not IN school. I've graduated. I'm through with college.


Speaking of which...that's actually one of the reasons I often get depressed. College is supposed to be a time of self-discovery...make new friends, fall in love, and find yourself. It upsets me that MY college experience wasn't like that...4 years later, and I'm exactly the same person I was before, doing exactly the same things I used to. Nothing's changed. When I think about it, I start getting depressed, because I start thinking that I missed out somehow, and that now that I've left college for good I'll never get those chances again.

The thing is, when you're at college, there's this pervading sense of *community*, even when you're a loner like me. There are hundreds of other students who're all going to the same classes and interacting with each other...it's like having one big giant support group. That's what spurs people to open up and discover themselves. Now that I'm out of college...well, the world suddenly seems like a very large, lonely place, one where I'm even more afraid to draw attention.


I guess...I guess I just feel bad for being different, you know? Every other person I meet is 'normal' and therefore radically different from myself (since I'm *not* normal ). It can make you feel really bad about yourself when everyone else around you is so different. It makes you feel completely isolated...makes you feel like you're "wrong" somehow.

I know this isn't really the case - I *like* the things I do, and the person I am. I enjoy playing video games. I like reading, and writing (or attempting to) fanfiction. I like collecting certain 80's toy merchandise that I don't tell anyone about for fear they'll ridicule me (oops). And dammit, I *like* Star Trek!


It's just that, when I had my 'revelation' and looked at those around me, they all seemed so happy being normal...and I *wasn't* happy, despite doing the things I love. There's just something missing...or someONE, rather.

I guess it's true what they say...no matter who you are or what you like, everyone needs somebody. Humans really are social animals, and I've been too nervous and self-doubting to fufill my own social needs. I guess they finally caught up with me.


After thinking about things, I think that all I really need is one good friend and/or SO. Aside from the lonliness, there's nothing I would change about my life...if I just had someone special by my side, I don't think I'd have anything to complain about. I wouldn't be lonely anymore, and I wouldn't feel so "wrong" about being different.


I think that's why I'm so giddy at my current prospects. Thanks to her company, I'm already feeling 300% better. Even if she doesn't LIKE like me, that's still far better than I'd hoped for. God bless her.


Oh please oh please oh please oh please oh PLEASE let her really really like me.




On a side note...I've been thinking, and I don't think my social skills are *lacking*, so much as my shyness is interfering with them. I've noticed that, once I get to know someone even a little, it gets exponentially easier to interact with them. I think the problem lies in first-contact situations. The fact that I've got no prior experience with the person, coupled with my own fears over what kind of first impression I'll leave, seems to scare me to the point where I can't speak straight. *Meeting* girls seems to be the hardest part for me.

I got lucky with 'her'...our class project allowed me to interact with her on a business level rather than a personal one, letting me get to know her without getting worked up on social aspects. That's why I'm trying so hard not to screw this up...lucky happenstances like that don't come along very often.

As you might can tell from my "novels" (smartass ) I can be very well spoken when I have the time to think out what I'm saying. I just don't have much practice at doing it without a keyboard.



Plus...it's just so damn HARD to concentrate when you're with a pretty girl. She just looks at me, and smiles, and I'm melting like butter. DAMN you, infernal female temptresses! Why must you torment me so with your beauty and grace and ruby lips and lucious breasts and tight, firm buttocks!?


It's a good thing I'm overweight, and thus have big pants...I might have trouble hiding my near-perpetual hard-on from her otherwise.




I really need sex.

 

[Honeysucklevine]

Get off the computer! Go take a dance class or take a cooking class for singles. Get a cool dog, not a stupid yip yap kind of dog, and take it to a big major park. Walk your dog! The girls love it! They will talk to you and pet your dog! Sound good? Try it. If you tend to freeze up , learn a few jokes that are relevant to dogs, dancing or cooking. If you can make a girl giggle or even just smile, you are in! Watch other people when they are flirting. Make a good connection and then seal the deal by saying something like, " I'll be here again on Saturday, hope to see ya again." Leave her with something to think about. Remember to stay off of the computer as much as possible. You have to be out there to get those skills. I have met so many men like you that just "fizzle" out because they have no clue on how to move things along in a fun and casual way. I even posted with questions on what the younger man really wants. I think you may have answered it! They know what they want! They may just not have the skills or are totally fearful of rejection. Thanks, if you don't get any help from this post, at least you know you helped me!

 

[SweetErika]

Uh...Mr. Fire Engine...? I'm not IN school. I've graduated. I'm through with college.

Speaking of which...that's actually one of the reasons I often get depressed. College is supposed to be a time of self-discovery...make new friends, fall in love, and find yourself. It upsets me that MY college experience wasn't like that...4 years later, and I'm exactly the same person I was before, doing exactly the same things I used to. Nothing's changed. When I think about it, I start getting depressed, because I start thinking that I missed out somehow, and that now that I've left college for good I'll never get those chances again.

There's a lot here, so I'll just cover the highlights...
Yes, college is a time of self-discovery, but if you only discover during those 2, 4, 6, or 8 years, you're going to be one screwed-up loser. Or what about the people who don't go to college? Does that preclude them from discovering who they are? Of course not! Many people do some extra exploring during college, but most of us see all of our experiences and entire lives as opportunities for self-discovery. So you've probably got another 50 years or so to learn who you are and find out what makes you happy!

After thinking about things, I think that all I really need is one good friend and/or SO. Aside from the lonliness, there's nothing I would change about my life...if I just had someone special by my side, I don't think I'd have anything to complain about. I wouldn't be lonely anymore, and I wouldn't feel so "wrong" about being different.

It's great that you are happy with your life. Take care in seeing a friend or SO as a panacea though...one thing I've found is that it's impossible to be happy overall when I'm not truly happy with who I am. Friends and loves come and go for various reasons, so it's important to fortify yourself to make it through the ups and downs. Even if you have hundreds of close friends, you will likely still feel lonely if you don't really love yourself and feel good about spending time alone. Take pride in how unique you are, and realize that you have a lot of special gifts to offer yourself and those who come into your life!

On a side note...I've been thinking, and I don't think my social skills are *lacking*, so much as my shyness is interfering with them. I've noticed that, once I get to know someone even a little, it gets exponentially easier to interact with them. I think the problem lies in first-contact situations. The fact that I've got no prior experience with the person, coupled with my own fears over what kind of first impression I'll leave, seems to scare me to the point where I can't speak straight. *Meeting* girls seems to be the hardest part for me.

Yes, I agree, your shyness and lack of self-esteem and confidence are the problem. Again, you need to work on yourself before this will get better. Maybe you can give yourself the task of meeting or initiating conversation with a certain number of women each day or week. Say hello and ask how their day is going in the grocery store or at the gas station. The purpose of this is practice...you'll get both positive and negative reactions, but in time, you'll see it's not scary or difficult to get to know people.

I got lucky with 'her'...our class project allowed me to interact with her on a business level rather than a personal one, letting me get to know her without getting worked up on social aspects. That's why I'm trying so hard not to screw this up...lucky happenstances like that don't come along very often.

Your thinking here is a HUGE problem! Your friendship with her has nothing to do with luck! Sure, it's lucky you were paired up with her instead of another guy, but give yourself credit for taking it from there. You worked well with her, you interacted and helped tutor her, and you are so likeable, she wants to spend non-academic time with you! For goodness sakes...this isn't luck, it's you communicating and being a good friend!

This will not be your only chance for friendship or love in life, so if it doesn't work out for one reason or another, don't be depressed. You learned a lot and you spent some enjoyable time together. You didn't screw anything up, it just didn't work.

You have the opportunity for friendship or love with nearly every person you meet. Whether you want to get to know them is up to you. If you wait for happenstance, you're always going to be lonely and miserable. So, you can wait, or you can make it happen.

_____________________

I'm with those who say you should continue to develop your friendship with her. Keep doing things together outside of studying (it would be good if you can do some things where you can talk and get to know eachother). Look for body language that indicates she likes you more than a friend...a lot of eye contact, touching, mirroring your posture and movements, etc. In time, maybe you can ask how she feels about the friendship and if there's any potential for romance.

This is important...you've got to work on yourself and how you think about things or it's never going to get better. -Take a class on interpersonal communication.
-Read up on body language and communication styles.
-A great book is "How to Win Friends and Influence People".
-Stop degrading yourself and start being positive! Get some self-esteem exercises and do them everyday, or see a professional to get ideas.
-For every negative thought you have, write down a positive one.
-Write down all of your positive qualities, and say them to yourself throughout the day.
-Research on how to do affirmations.
-Practice meeting people and talking to women.
-If you're concerned about your weight or looks, do your best to improve them. Even if you do ten push-ups a day, you'll feel better knowing you're working on yourself.

You're important, so start investing in yourself!

Best of luck to you, Ansi!

 

[dollface007]

OMG...there's no way I can read through all these posts, but I have read most of yours, Ansi. Anyway, forgive me if i'm repeating something someone else just said....

Re: the girl. Follow Bobmi's advice. It's good. You have to know if she's interested, and you won't ruin your friendship by clearing the air.

As for the shyness/loneliness/awkwardness/geekiness issue, don't fool yourself into thinking there's no one out there for you besides this one rare gem. As someone in academia, i have tons of female friends who date geeks exclusively. It's a REQUIREMENT on their part. The geekier, the better. The more arcane their knowledge of 80s cartoon paraphenalia, the better!! The surest way to remain your lonely self is to hide who you really are.

I happened to be in Indianapolis last year while GenCon was going on (that's the conference where all the gamers supposedly emerge from their moms' basements ) Well, I was at a bar where alot of the gamers happened to be. I saw two hot guys and decided to go up to them seeing as i had the perfect line, "So are you guys here for GenCon???" ....except I meant it completely sarcastically. Well, turns out they WERE...i was totally shocked b/c they did not fit the "geek" mold. Honestly, I found them more attractive b/c of it....they were there to be themselves.

The idea that all twenty-somethings are out their partying, dating, getting laid every weekend, and having a generally great time is a myth. I think it's the decade when most of us are really forced to find ourselves, and it's often an ugly, lonely process. Quit dwelling on college and live your life NOW.

 

[psychone]

A couple of years ago I was pretty dire when it came to being social, still not the best, but it has improved a great deal.

One girl I met I started to find myself attracted to, but the thought of doing anything about it required more confidence than I had then. The thoughts went around my head for months and months, until I cracked. I thought it was worth taking the risk instead of having the idea racing through my head any longer.

She did not feel the same way when I finally said something. Fortunately there was none of the negative reaction I had feared either. We are still friends now.

It was a great release of tension, it improved the confidance levels considerably. A few months latter with someone else things did work out, which I doubt would have been attempted without trying before.

Good luck.

 

[Ansi]

Look for body language that indicates she likes you more than a friend...a lot of eye contact, touching, mirroring your posture and movements, etc.

Eh heh...now, that might be a problem.

I've found that I'm a very blunt person by nature...I tell it like it is, without beating around the bush. As such, I'm not good at all with subtlety, either in words or in other things like body language. I tend to get confused easily when people start relying on such methods of communication, or else I just don't pick up on it.

Take "the girl" for example (I shan't give her name; for all I know, she could be reading these very boards in her spare time ) (although, wouldn't that be wonderfully ironic?) (and deliciously kinky?). The very idea that she might be making body language didn't even occur to me until you said something; if she's been making sings of *any* sort, I've either missed them or subconciously screened them out.

Though I'll probably forget completely the next time I see her, I'll try to pay more attention to her body language. I just hope she doesn't think I'm paying more attention to her body.



On a related note, can anyone recommend places that I might be able to take her out on a non-date? You know, stuff we can do together as friends that isn't overly suggestive of romance? We'd be able to have a good time, I'd get some practice at being out and about with the fairer sex, and I wouldn't have to worry about casting premature signals of romance over our relationship.

I guess shopping is always good...I've heard that girls love to shop. I've also considered going out for a meal at a non-fancy resturant (so as not to give her the wrong idea). I'm a bit strapped for ideas, though...aside from the fact that I don't go out often when I'm by myself (which I almost always am), the town I live in is fairly small...there's not a lot to do here. The closest city of decent size in the area is only 20 minutes away, but I don't go there often enough to know what kinds of things are there to be done (except for bars, nightclubs, and strip joints, and I'm not THAT brave ).




Larry's Quote of the Post:
"You know it's not really 'premarital sex' unless you plan on getting married! Hah!"

 

[Ravin the Poet]

You know, you probably could use someone different besides a gammer and a geek type. A bar-whore so to say could be right up your alley to get you out and about.

Ravin

 

[SweetErika]

Eh heh...now, that might be a problem.

I've found that I'm a very blunt person by nature...I tell it like it is, without beating around the bush. As such, I'm not good at all with subtlety, either in words or in other things like body language. I tend to get confused easily when people start relying on such methods of communication, or else I just don't pick up on it.

Take "the girl" for example (I shan't give her name; for all I know, she could be reading these very boards in her spare time ) (although, wouldn't that be wonderfully ironic?) (and deliciously kinky?). The very idea that she might be making body language didn't even occur to me until you said something; if she's been making sings of *any* sort, I've either missed them or subconciously screened them out.

Though I'll probably forget completely the next time I see her, I'll try to pay more attention to her body language. I just hope she doesn't think I'm paying more attention to her body.

Body language is subtle and not the only or greatest predictor. You can watch her and also pay attention to what you're doing...do you tend to take a drink when she does, or do you both have your arms in a similar position? Anyways, read up on it a little online and it might give you a clue to how she feels.

On a related note, can anyone recommend places that I might be able to take her out on a non-date? You know, stuff we can do together as friends that isn't overly suggestive of romance? We'd be able to have a good time, I'd get some practice at being out and about with the fairer sex, and I wouldn't have to worry about casting premature signals of romance over our relationship.

I guess shopping is always good...I've heard that girls love to shop. I've also considered going out for a meal at a non-fancy resturant (so as not to give her the wrong idea). I'm a bit strapped for ideas, though...aside from the fact that I don't go out often when I'm by myself (which I almost always am), the town I live in is fairly small...there's not a lot to do here. The closest city of decent size in the area is only 20 minutes away, but I don't go there often enough to know what kinds of things are there to be done (except for bars, nightclubs, and strip joints, and I'm not THAT brave ).

Not every woman likes to shop (I'm an example of one who doesn't really enjoy it). However, if you have a gift to buy or a specific purpose like clothes shopping, you could ask her to go with you to help. Most women do like to be helpful.

A meal is a little date-ish, but it could work. If you want to pay and need a reason, use the "you're still in school and money can be tight, so I'd love to take care of this" excuse.

Is there a movie you could invite her to? Something nature-based (like a waterfall or the changing leaves) in your area? What about some kind of local festival? Has she talked about what she enjoys doing or a neat place she's been to (in that case you could ask her to show you if you've never been)? Miniature golf? Bowling? Walking and exploring the city?

I think the key is to do something that will spark laughter and build a good shared memory.

 

[Dstorage]

Ansi,

You are getting tons of really really good advice here!

I'm a bit older than you, I would have paid dearly for this knowledge when I was first learning it the hard way! Like the one about if you have an infant niece or nephew take him for a walk to the park one afternoon, you will be astounded. I bet you'll have more women initiate conversation with you, than you have with strange women in last 6 months! Unfortunately it all sounds like bullshit until you actually do it. Here is a simple explanation- You know how hard it is to walk past a woman in a low cut shirt without glancing at her boobs? I don't mean stare or ogling, but admit it anytime a female with some cleavage showing moves into range she gets some time designated to check out her boobs. Maybe only a couple miliseconds but it always happens doesn't it?

Well that is how virtually ALL women are with cute infants!

Here is another one that you probably won't know until someone shows you- like the song, If you don't respect yourself no one else will either. Go to a gym 3 days a week and hire a trainer. Swear to yourself that you will do this for 3 months, without fail. You'll see some changes in about a month and a half but it will probably take you 3 months to get ingrained into the habit. Pay the money for a trainer, it will be the difference between success and failure. Also realize that no matter who you are, after a month or so you will have a pleasant time at the gym! It will be fun! I would go so far as to say if it is not fun you are doing something wrong. Also, it only needs to be about an hour so all you'll have to give up is some TV.

Dogs are a great way to meet women, as was mentioned. They are also wonderful companions, which is what should come first. Dogs don't work nearly as well as babies, but then nothing really does. To get a dog, go to the pound and look for something there, bring a tennis ball and bounce the ball if you want a dog who has potential to fetch and play frisbee. Do not get a small dog, they are virtually all wacky. After you get the dog, go to Petsmart and enroll in a dog training class. Again, more women to talk to!

If you really want to get better talking to women, here is the killer program- SWEAR to yourself that you will say something to 1 new woman a day. The first couple weeks might be tough but if you think about it the only way you can get better at anything is through experience and practice. If you decide to do this, don't quit on yourself! It will be tough at first, and you'll probably look like an idiot to a couple of them, but you will develop an ability that will pay dividends for the rest of your life.

Now, about this current relationship, I'm not there and that is the only way I'd feel comfortable making comments. Good luck and I hope the best for you!

DS

 

[Ansi]

and also pay attention to what you're doing

This reminds me...I do have a rather annoying problem with my hands. Ever since I was a child I've had what I call, for lack of a better name, "unidle hands". For whatever reason, I can never seem to just *relax* my hands. I'm constantly fidgiting with anything within reach (salt shakers, pencils, loose change, etc.). I don't even think about doing it...they just seem to start up by themselves. The only way I've found to stop this is to fold my arms, put my hands in my pockets, or otherwise tuck them away so they can't move.

Does anyone have experience with this? I'm sure it must be annoying to her...other people have complained about it to me before.

 

[TempWife]

You have received some excellent advice from the previous posters. I found your original post both humorous and engaging even while you were being self deprecating. I bet thats how the friend that keeps seeking your company sees you as well. Women are usually pretty open, if we like you, you know it. If we dont, we avoid you.


Also sending you a pm regarding another issue you touched on. Good Luck.

Sonja

 

[hewolf]

body language

This reminds me...I do have a rather annoying problem with my hands. Ever since I was a child I've had what I call, for lack of a better name, "unidle hands". For whatever reason, I can never seem to just *relax* my hands. I'm constantly fidgiting with anything within reach (salt shakers, pencils, loose change, etc.). I don't even think about doing it...they just seem to start up by themselves. The only way I've found to stop this is to fold my arms, put my hands in my pockets, or otherwise tuck them away so they can't move.

Does anyone have experience with this? I'm sure it must be annoying to her...other people have complained about it to me before.

You are absolutely right. This habit bespeaks anxiety and nervousness, and you do not want to communicate these to any prospective romanic interests.

IMO the body language is VERY important and women are usually catch on to it very quickly in forming their opinion of you.

Kick this habit, and work on acquiring the "right " body language.

 

[SweetErika]

This reminds me...I do have a rather annoying problem with my hands. Ever since I was a child I've had what I call, for lack of a better name, "unidle hands". For whatever reason, I can never seem to just *relax* my hands. I'm constantly fidgiting with anything within reach (salt shakers, pencils, loose change, etc.). I don't even think about doing it...they just seem to start up by themselves. The only way I've found to stop this is to fold my arms, put my hands in my pockets, or otherwise tuck them away so they can't move.

Does anyone have experience with this? I'm sure it must be annoying to her...other people have complained about it to me before.

I've known people who do this, and it does tend to be distracting and portray a feeling of anxiety and lack of self-confidence. Unfortunately, crossing your arms or putting your hands in your pockets can send the same negative signals.

One of my classmates had this problem when he was in stressful situations (like public speaking) and gave great advice...instead of playing with something, focus on gesturing with your hands. Touch your fingertips together in a steeple position, lace your fingers loosely and put them on the table or in your lap, or open them like a book when you're talking. These gestures usually portray confidence and openness, and there are a ton of other suggestions for sending a positive message with your hands online.

Apparently the fidgeting can be a symptom of low self-esteem, general nervousness, and some neurological and psychological disorders. If you don't have marked success controlling it, you might want to check in with your doctor and get her or his opinion on possible causes and solutions.

 

[Poussin]

.....

 

[jamis]

Nike: Just Do It

the wife and i agree just do it! i did and i'm VERY happy and surprised with the results!

 

[Hanon435]

I don't mean to offend you here, but stop wasting time and just tell her! Be a man! People are too hesitant about things nowadays. "Should I do this, should I do that, what if this happens, what if that happens..." Stop thinking and do it. Tell her! If you can't tell her, just print this thread up and give it to her. Get it over with. If it's not her, the girl of your dreams might be the next woman you see when you turn around. If this girl isn't the one, then you're just wasting time waiting to tell her. It sounds like you've sent maybe a year waiting around on this girl. That's a full year you could have actually been boyfriend-girlfriend or could have searched (and maybe found) the one. What a waste of time! Get over your shyness. Stop thinking "what if.." If she doesn't like you as anything more than a friend, then that's that. Her loss. You can check her off the list and move on. It sounds like you've thought this out for awhile now. Give yourself a deadline and stick to it. If you can't actually talk to her, write it down. Break it up into steps -- You've got the ideas on this thread you can tell her. It's already written out. Write it out. Print it out. Address it. Mail it. It's that simple. Or why not email it? Tell her you want her to get back to you about it if your just write it. You can do it! Just do it! Go for it man! Let us know how it goes.

 

[Dstorage]

Normally I like to do things promptly, but no matter how you look at it forming strong relationships takes time. More than one promising relationship has gone down in flames because one person pushed the other. I think if it progresses, you both will realize it.

 

[Ansi]

and some neurological and psychological disorders

Eh heh heh...yeah, more than you know. I probably should have mentioned it before, but I have Tourette's Syndrome. For those of you who aren't familiar with it, it results in twitching and minor physical compulsions. I take medication that keeps it mostly subdued, but it still becomes markedly pronounced when I'm nervous or upset. Meh.

Another thing on body language; how does she responds to your touch. I'm not talking about sexual touch, I'm talking about physical contact you establish in certain situations.

Ooh, that might be a problem. For the most part, I deliberately *avoid* touching people. For some reason (maybe even Tourette's?), I'm extremely touch sensitive, especially with regards to people. Physical contact with anyone outside my immediate family makes me terribly nervous and uncomfortable, even if it's just a simple handshake or the like. I might be able to try something like that with her eventually, once I've relaxed a bit...if I try it now, though, it'll only panic me more.

Ah, well...at least there's a plus side as well. Assuming we do end up an item, snuggling will be that much more enjoyable.

 

[blue112]

Bud, Im not sure it was mentioned already but what really helped me personally was realizing that everyone goes through this, everyone has their first moment, their first successes and their first screw ups, man, my girl is actually a little pissed at me because of my latest one at the moment, but the important thing I think anyway is to realize that literally shit happens. adopt a reasonable and rational mindset and youll see it, everyone trips and falls, heck i wiped out on the damn snow in kingston four times last winter and I know i saw other people do it way more, but it happens. so what im suggesting is do what you want, as others do what they want, if things mess up rationalize through it, so you fell, others do and in some cases in worse ways than that so dont worry about it, life happens, just enjoy it. though if your friend is interested and your still hesitant , my bet is she say or do something

good luck