How Should I Tell?

[ThinkinBoutIt]

After an affair that lasted four years, my lover abruptly called it quits. He ended four years with a very cold phone call. This happened two months ago.

In my quest to find out what went wrong and what changed his mind, I learned he had a dozen other women on the side during these four years. Many of his affairs were conducted over the internet but some happened in RL. My trust was shattered. I was scared to death when I went to the doctor to be tested for everything. Lucky it is all negative.

If it were just me I would never dream of telling his wife. However I have proof of at least three RL women and those women are (to put it mildly) skanky. The thought that he touched them and then me makes me ill.

I am considering telling his wife. She has no idea what her husband is doing. She never knew anything about me. He is a very good liar (I knew this already but now I have even more evidence of it since he duped me just as badly as his poor wife.)

I know I might get blasted. "Why do you care now when you didn't care then?" It is a good point and it is one that doesn't matter at this point. If I knew then what I know now and all that.

I would tell her either via email or phone call or both. I live in another state so a direct visit is not feasible and I wouldn't want to do that to her anyway. The shock will be bad enough without my presence. I am prepared to give her all the proof I have.

I know there are some out there who have informed the wife or husband of an affair. I know there are some who kept their mouths shut and regretted it later. Should I give him the chance to tell her himself? I am considering contacting him and letting him know he has one week to come clean or I will do it for him. Even though I know he won't come completely clean he will tell her enough out of fear that she will get herself tested like I did.

Pros and cons? Should I tell him first?

Thanks.

 

[tsk3us]

You should DO NOTHING. It is none of your business what is between his wife and he (as I'm sure you were aware of DURING your affair).

Were you naive enough to think he was only cheating on his wife? PLEASE! People who cheat once, are generally likely to cheat again - and even at the same time with multiple different partners. (There are studies out there that show this and generally, these studies don't point to a problem with the relationship, so much as a psychological need in the cheater).

Basically, I feel that for four years you didn't say anything. Now that YOU'RE the one that's hurting - you want everyone to hurt. You do NOT have that right. Mess with him all you want, but leave his wife out of it.

You didn't care about her when you were sleeping with him, why should you care about her well-being now?

Now, before you think I don't know where you're coming from - I do. I've been in an affair for going on two years. However, I don't think for a minute that I might be the only one other than his wife.

We play - we pay. Unfortunately, this hurting, feeling betrayed, etc - is your payment.

Sorry.

 

[ThinkinBoutIt]

I figured this was the kind of first response I would get.

Note the title: "How should I tell." Not "Should I tell?"

It isn't a question of whether or not I do it. I have already decided to tell his wife. How I do it is the question. If you have a comment concerning "how" I do it versus "whether" I do it and if I should give him a chance to tell her himself or not, feel free to weigh in.

Thanks for the two cents.

 

[cherrypi28]

I figured this was the kind of first response I would get.

Note the title: "How should I tell." Not "Should I tell?"

It isn't a question of whether or not I do it. I have already decided to tell his wife. How I do it is the question. If you have a comment concerning "how" I do it versus "whether" I do it and if I should give him a chance to tell her himself or not, feel free to weigh in.

Thanks for the two cents.

having gone through something very similiar, my question to you is, are you doing this for revenge? You obviously didnt seem to worry about his wife when you thought you were the only one...why now? Be careful, after all is said and done, it isnt as self satisfying as you think it will be.

 

[ThinkinBoutIt]

I have no need for revenge. If I wanted revenge, I would have gone to her long before now.

When I was with him, I was assured I was the only "girlfriend". I believed him. When I learned of the many other women I was terrified about what might have happened to me over those four years. Even though I have been tested for every STD I still lie awake at night in fear.

If I had not learned about those other women I would never dream of contacting his wife. This man has a deep aversion to condoms and I know if he didn't use them with me then he probably didn't use them with anyone else. I felt sure I was safe when he was sleeping with just me and his wife. Now I feel as though I have been playing Russian Roulette for years and didn't know it. After long and sleepless nights I decided that I had a right to know when my health was being threatened. She has that right as well.

The only question that remains is the best way to tell her and whether I should give him the chance to tell her before I do.

 

[tsk3us]

I guess I'm just still not clear on this from your standpoint.

Even though the guy I'm having an affair with and I've been together for almost two years, I wouldn't DREAM of having unprotected sex with him - even if he swore to every God under the sun & moon that it was only his wife and me......here's why:

Who's to say, hypothetically, that the wife isn't fooling around too. If she were, you'd be sharing with the husband, the wife, you and whomever her partners are. And, as you have no indication otherwise, YOU should have protected yourself - whether he liked it or not.

BTW, were you tested for STD's before the two of you became intimate?

Quite frankly, it's a very sticky situation. I also take issue with your statement that it's not revenge. When he stopped seeing you 'cold' - you knew he was married, why did you dig? Being the other woman - surely you knew your time was limited. You should have let it drop, however, your EMOTIONS got in the way and you felt inclined to find out why. Now you're hurt and, most likely, under the guise of 'helping her' by either forcing his hand or going to her - venting. Maybe not intentionally - but really, REALLY think about what you're doing!

 

[tsk3us]

Sorry, yes, it does in fact say "how do I".

I'm not sure how one would go about this. Unforuntately, there are many factors to take into consideration.
1. With giving him the ultimatum - how do you KNOW he's told her.
So, if your aim is to let her know, obvioulsy you can't trust him to do it - you would have to do it yourself.

2. Do you want her to know who you are? Is something anonymous more in line? Anonymous works in that he wouldn't necessarily know which woman let her know (if there is any way he can make your life hell after finding out).
3. With anonymous, you don't know the ramification or implications thereafter. You also don't know if she'll take it seriously. You also don't know if she'll take it seriously if it weren't anonymous.

Overall, it's a a crapshoot. Although, once she does have the information - it's hers to do with as she pleases.

 

[ThinkinBoutIt]

I was tested before he came along. I was completely monogamous with him. I trusted him when he said there was no one else.

His wife is very prudish. She is a very devout Catholic. I suppose it is possible that she cheated on him but the chances of that are very slim. It was something he never saw as feasible as neither did I.

Perhaps I should have looked at the future and the "time is limited" standpoint. I did not. I knew I was never going to marry him but I was content with the relationship we had. For him to drop me "cold" like he did was completely out of character. Just the day before we had talked for an hour about plans to meet in Atlanta the following weekend and said "I love you" before we hung up the phone. The phone call that ended us came out of the blue, literally. That is when I began to dig and now here we are.

So back to the original question. What is the best way to tell her, and should I let him have a chance to do the telling first?

 

[ThinkinBoutIt]

Sorry, yes, it does in fact say "how do I".

I'm not sure how one would go about this. Unforuntately, there are many factors to take into consideration.
1. With giving him the ultimatum - how do you KNOW he's told her.
So, if your aim is to let her know, obvioulsy you can't trust him to do it - you would have to do it yourself.

2. Do you want her to know who you are? Is something anonymous more in line? Anonymous works in that he wouldn't necessarily know which woman let her know (if there is any way he can make your life hell after finding out).
3. With anonymous, you don't know the ramification or implications thereafter. You also don't know if she'll take it seriously. You also don't know if she'll take it seriously if it weren't anonymous.

Overall, it's a a crapshoot. Although, once she does have the information - it's hers to do with as she pleases.

Thank you! That's the kind of answer I was hoping for.

Being anonymous is what I want to do. A phone call might be anonymous. I also have an email account set up specifically for keeping myself anonymous when I tell her.

I do have proof I can send, including emails and digital pictures of him with the date stamp (nude and taken in various places). There are other items of proof as well.

[You mentioned that he might make life hell for me. True, some of those items will make it clear to him who sent them but there is very little he can do to me. He can't interfere with my job (I am self-employed) and he can't interfere with my new relationship as my boyfriend knows all about him. My family knows about him as well. ]

But I do not want to go overboard. I want to inform her to a point where she will definitely believe it and do something to help herself but I do not want to pour salt into the wound.

More thoughts?

 

[ebbixx]

I agree with too many people here.

I agree his wife needs to know, solely for health reasons. Of course knowing is really likely to lead to a lot of other things, if she doesn't already know, and is likely to feel betrayed.

As for dangers to you, I'm more concerned about over-the-top stuff that he (and perhaps even she) might find tempting in the first wave of surprise, resentment, anger and so on.

Frankly, if he's such a sleazeball I really have to wonder why this hasn't already surfaces between them (leaving me wondering about her own powers of denial).

I really don't see a way of doing this (in your situation) that isn't likely to be interpreted as (even though it's not) an act of revenge. That's likely to cloud things for everyone. If you really must inform them, I'd be halfway tempted to dummy up a medical report saying you do have an STD and that they should both be tested, as one of them was named by SOMEONE (anonymous) who claimed to have had one of them as a partner. Just a thought, and one that I'm sure has all sorts of holes in it.

 

[ThinkinBoutIt]

Thank you for the response.

Her powers of denial are world-class but beyond that he is just a damn good liar. I believed him for four years. I'm intelligent, not a dummy but he covers his tracks so well. A big part of my shock was that I was fooled so easily.

It crossed my mind to tell him that the STD test was positive even though it was not. I guess I figured that telling her via email or phone or whatever would be hard enough for everybody without going into a big lie on top of it. I'm not sure I could pull it off anyway.

I want her to know about what is happening but I don't want to terrify her.

Let me put the question another way? If someone informed you that your husband/wife was cheating on you, how would you want to know? How would you want to get that information? What might make it easier?

 

[tsk3us]

Thank you for the response.

Her powers of denial are world-class but beyond that he is just a damn good liar. I believed him for four years. I'm intelligent, not a dummy but he covers his tracks so well. A big part of my shock was that I was fooled so easily.

It crossed my mind to tell him that the STD test was positive even though it was not. I guess I figured that telling her via email or phone or whatever would be hard enough for everybody without going into a big lie on top of it. I'm not sure I could pull it off anyway.

I want her to know about what is happening but I don't want to terrify her.

Let me put the question another way? If someone informed you that your husband/wife was cheating on you, how would you want to know? How would you want to get that information? What might make it easier?

Ohhh, I'm back from going out with some friends.

I wonder about her 'powers of denial'. Do you know this woman personally, or just through what he's told you? Seems to me, this man has lied to a good many women - who knows if ANYTHING he's said was truthful.

I agree with the STD lie - it's bad enough to find out a SO is cheating, but to think you may be infected with something - I find that more terrifying. Eventually, if she takes of any blinders she may have on, she'll get herself checked out.

I don't know how I would want to find out someone was cheating on me. I suppose, anonymous. Although, I feel there's generally an overwhelming need to know what the "other woman" was like.

On a side note - I have to ask.....how and where did you get all of these pictures? And how long ago was this relationship?

 

[ThinkinBoutIt]

The relationship lasted for four years. It ended two months ago.

The pictures were taken with either his camera or mine. He liked to pose for them so there was definitely consent. They span the last two years or so.

He might have been lying to me about his wife but I think he wasn't. He talked about her often. I didn't mind it because it seemed like he needed to get things off his chest about her. She struck me as a very kind woman who was happy as long as he took care of the bills and walked the dog and didn't make waves.

Thank you for the replies. I've been spending the morning formulating an email to send to her.

 

[Winemaster]

good question

I beilieve in some of the things I read here....I believe "it will filter out in the wash"..meaning that she(the wife) either knows and denies or will eventually find out....For you telling...I think - you are acting out in spite.

 

[Eilan]

I have to admit that I'm somewhat torn about this.

On the one hand, from a health standpoint, I'd want to know if my husband had been cheating on me with multiple partners over a period of several years. I think it's unethical for someone who knows something that might directly impact my health to withhold that information from me. Just because he hasn't caught any STDs yet (it would seem) doesn't mean that he won't somewhere down the road. Nowadays, an unintended pregnancy is the LEAST of anyone's worries.

On the other hand, I do question your motives. I know that you've said that it isn't about revenge for you, that you could have gone to the wife at any time. Well, why didn't you? Why wait until you've been wronged by this guy? The whole time he's been with you, he's been dishonest with his wife; what made you think that you were any more privileged than someone who has a legal bond with him (even if that bond is tenuous at best)?

Since you do intend to tell his wife, I don't think you should hide behind the anonymity of the Internet. At least have the cajones (or ovaries, as it were) to identify yourself.

I really do wish all of you luck. This is a no-win situation for everyone.

 

[ThinkinBoutIt]

I understand my motives are being questioned. Why wouldn't they be? I know why I am doing it and like I said before, if I wanted revenge I would have already had that.

But again I state this is not the crux of the question.

The question is: How do I tell her? What will make the blow easier? Should I give him the opportunity to weigh in before I send her this email?

Thanks for the advice.

 

[SweetErika]

I understand my motives are being questioned. Why wouldn't they be? I know why I am doing it and like I said before, if I wanted revenge I would have already had that.

But again I state this is not the crux of the question.

The question is: How do I tell her? What will make the blow easier? Should I give him the opportunity to weigh in before I send her this email?

Thanks for the advice.

I see benefits to telling her and keeping your mouth shut, but I know that's not the issue. I would NOT give him advance notice or the opportunity to weigh in...if your main reason is to warn her about health risks, telling him likely won't help you accomplish that goal. In the email, I would want you to apologize, be matter-of-fact, and emphasize the health issue. Make sure you're clear that you're not writing to cause either of them pain, but this is just too important to let pass. If you think she won't believe you, I don't think you should disclose that your tests were negative... simply tell her you've been tested and were advised you are in the "high risk" category due to his activities. Urge her (and him) to have comprehensive testing and not to have unprotected sex. You might even include the information for a clinic in their city or a hotline number so she will have something to turn to.

 

[ThinkinBoutIt]

I had not considered telling her I am in a "high risk" category thanks to his activities. I was struggling with how to tell her just enough without frightening her worse than I have to. That particular wording is what I was looking for but could not find.

Thank you for your compassionate response.

 

[ebbixx]

The pictures were taken with either his camera or mine. He liked to pose for them so there was definitely consent. They span the last two years or so.

While he may have consented to having them taken, he didn't consent to their release. While this isn't the same as publishing pics of a now-famous actress that were taken when "you" happened to be her girlfriend/boyfriend -- there might still be some legal recourse he could take to get back at you.

And after reading it with a clearer head, I definitely agree that scaring her with a false STD report could only backfire in oh so many ways. If he's a much more experienced liar than you, then trying to beat him at his own game is probably the worst idea possible. So in that light, whatever you choose to do should above all be scrupulously honest.

I do agree in questioning how you can be sure she is as naive as you believe her to be, unless you have some direct connection to her I didn't pick up. If he lied about everything else, why on earth would he be truthful in telling you about his wife? It sounds to me like he told you what you'd be most likely to believe, and what would most readily enable you to put aside whatever moral qualms you may have had at the outset of the affair?

In any case, so far I find myself most in agreement with SweetErika on this one. And personally I don't think anyone needs the psychodrama of you reviewing your intentions with him beforehand. He'd going to think you were being vindictive almost certainly, no matter how delicately you handle this. And he has been playing with fire. Sooner or later it would have to catch up with him. Better now, than after dozens of partners on down the chain test HIV+.

You might even be saving his life.

P.S.: I'd just add one cautionary tale. There was a time when I received an anonymous phone call alleging an affair between my long-time partner and (perhaps) the coward on the other end of the phone line. Given the tone of voice, the nature and way things were said and a few other factors, and my partner's response when presented with the facts, I chose to conclude that nothing had happened and that the call was a particularly malicious prank, probably on the part of some underlings with more time than brains. Could I have been wrong? Of course. But so what if I was?

At least I found out not too long afterwards that neither of us were infected with any STDs, a necessary result of prenatal care. I chose to trust my partner because I'd never yet been betrayed openly, and that acting suspicious would only introduce tensions that I felt were undesirable, considering how all the other parts of our life together were going.

So maybe I was being willfully "naive" and maybe not. I knew, logically, that there was hardly any way I could imagine that I would know for sure, short of an open confession of guilt -- and if my partner were truly innocent, there would be no way he could prove it conclusively.

Given the choices at hand, it just seemed the best thing to was to presume innocence, pay a little more attention to things going on that might tell me more of the story, but mostly to let it drop, and try to forget any doubts the call might have introduced to my mind.

 

[Cathleen]

I've read this thread a few times. As much as I'd like to comment on the motives etc, I know you're not looking for that. So, with respect to how to tell her, there is not going to be any way to do it without inflicting a great deal of harm most likely.

I've been thinking just how would I want to learn of his behaviors and I can't come up with anything reasonable to be honest. I can't even figure out if I'd rather a phone call, email or letter. My gut seems to say via letter - a handwritten letter but I honestly don't know why - maybe it is just more personal.

It's hard to gauge this without thinking of motives, I think you will have to address that in your communication with her. I can't imagine her not questioning your actions in this mess. Whatever you choose I would make sure it is the absolute truth - including why you are revealing yourself.

It will be difficult to express your sincerity no matter the method. I don't think I could find that quality if I was receiving the letter.

Good luck.

 

[GenesisMan]

His wife is very prudish. She is a very devout Catholic. I suppose it is possible that she cheated on him but the chances of that are very slim. It was something he never saw as feasible as neither did I.

This paragraph has me thinking. You obvisously know her or you go this information from HIM. But you said in an earlier post he is a good liar or something like that.

My issue is if you know her then why tell her now after 4 years? IF you don't know her then how can you belive him. My point is why all of a sudden did he end it with you? 3 things come to mind:

1) She is having a baby and he now feel responsible and is striaghtning out his life on his own.

2) She is NOT having a baby and is cheating on him and he found out and they are calling a truce

3) she knows all about you and the others and threatening to take everything he has from him if he didn't stop seeing you and the others

 

[ebbixx]

My gut seems to say via letter - a handwritten letter but I honestly don't know why - maybe it is just more personal.

I too would prefer a "real" letter. Definitely not e-mail. That would immediately arouse my suspicions that this was just a malicious prank. Not that I'd automatically trust a letter, but of the options that do not involve meeting f2f, the letter would be the lesser of evils.

I would also encourage you to make yourself available to her (but take necessary safety precautions for yourself) to talk to her about this f2f if she needs that. If nothing else, it would speak to the sincerity of your concerns for her health (and your own willingness to accept your responsibility in the mess). At least I say that now, typing off the top of my head, as it were.

 

[ebbixx]

This paragraph has me thinking. You obvisously know her or you go this information from HIM. But you said in an earlier post he is a good liar or something like that.

My issue is if you know her then why tell her now after 4 years? IF you don't know her then how can you belive him. My point is why all of a sudden did he end it with you? 3 things come to mind:

"Thing 1
Thing 2
Thing 3"

Good points, and well worth considering, though I doubt they're the only possibilities. Especially if he's continued to dally with all the others that TBI says she recently learned about. At least one other possibility comes to mind, (4) that he felt TBI was pressing for a choice between her and his wife? OR, (5) that he felt TBI was beginning to "cramp his style" where all the others were concerned?

Being at such a distance from the situation though, it's sort of pointless to speculate about his motives. (Though it is worthwhile to wonder just how clear a picture you have of his wife's place and awareness of all this). FWIW, this may be somewhat prejudiced, but it seems to me that I run across a lot of people on the 'net who consider themselves "devout Catholics" and are at the same time quite active (or at least wish to portray themselves as such). Granted, most of these are men, but judging from what I've known of my Catholic and non-Catholic neighbors, Catholicism is far from a guarantee of purity, chastity or any other supposed "virtue."

 

[GenesisMan]

... but judging from what I've known of my Catholic and non-Catholic neighbors, Catholicism is far from a guarantee of purity, chastity or any other supposed "virtue."

I was raised as a catholic and I know what I am talking seeing as I cheated as well. I was just pointing possible reasons (Just off the top of my head) from a man's point of view.

 

[ThinkinBoutIt]

I agree that he may have lied about his wife to some extent. Many of my observations have been gleaned from conversations over the last four years, not only from his direct telling about her so I am confident that most of my thoughts concerning her are true.

His motives are something I will probably never know. It was a much deeper wound than just an affair ending as we were best friends as well. Like I said before, his attitude was completely out of character and completely out of the blue. I have come to terms with the fact that I will never know why he ended it or why he ended it so abruptly.

The point about pictures is a good one. I believe you are right in that he could take legal action against me if I send them to her. I am confident I have enough proof without having to send those, so they will stay right where they are.

A handwritten letter is the way I would like to go (it is the way I would like to find out I think) but chances are very high he would intercept that and she would never see it. I will have to go the email route. A phone call might shake things up a bit but would that be as effective as something she could print out and hold in her hands while she confronts him? I don't think so.

Again thank you for the responses. I found good advice here.