How should I go about this?

[Libraryladyleigh]

I'm married to a wonderful man who is encouraging me to explore my sexuality in whatever way I wish. My first wish is to be with another woman. I've been fantasizing about it for years and have finally told my husband. Of course like most men, he's all for it but doesn't expect to be included in it at all, unless I want him to be (I want him to watch). We've been brainstorming how to find a playmate for me, and really don't have any good ideas other than posting on area dating sites, which we don't really want to do. So then we try to think of people we know who would be into it. My husband did think of one woman, whom he had a sexual relationship with years ago...but she is not currently living in our state.
My thinking is this though: as I start slowly on this journey, I don't want to necessarily jump into sex with another woman anyway. I think an online fantasy sharing type thing with this woman would be very titillating. Something I can store in my spank bank of you will LOL. And something I can tell my husband about to spice up our sex life, until I find a woman I want to have sex with. Or even someone to chat/Skype/etc with sexually or while my husband and I are having sex.
So would it be offensive/totally weird/creepy/etc to FB message this woman and tell her who I'm married to and that he remembers her very fondly, that I think she's beautiful and I would love to have an online sexual relationship with her? My husband says she's very open sexually and has been with women before.
Or how should I go about this, if I should at all? Or should my husband be the one to broach this with her?

 

[QuasiSemiDemiEsqueIsh]

I'm married to a wonderful man who is encouraging me to explore my sexuality in whatever way I wish. My first wish is to be with another woman. I've been fantasizing about it for years and have finally told my husband. Of course like most men, he's all for it but doesn't expect to be included in it at all, unless I want him to be (I want him to watch). We've been brainstorming how to find a playmate for me, and really don't have any good ideas other than posting on area dating sites, which we don't really want to do. So then we try to think of people we know who would be into it. My husband did think of one woman, whom he had a sexual relationship with years ago...but she is not currently living in our state.
My thinking is this though: as I start slowly on this journey, I don't want to necessarily jump into sex with another woman anyway. I think an online fantasy sharing type thing with this woman would be very titillating. Something I can store in my spank bank of you will LOL. And something I can tell my husband about to spice up our sex life, until I find a woman I want to have sex with. Or even someone to chat/Skype/etc with sexually or while my husband and I are having sex.
So would it be offensive/totally weird/creepy/etc to FB message this woman and tell her who I'm married to and that he remembers her very fondly, that I think she's beautiful and I would love to have an online sexual relationship with her? My husband says she's very open sexually and has been with women before.
Or how should I go about this, if I should at all? Or should my husband be the one to broach this with her?

Hi!

OK, first things first. I'm demibisexual, meaning it's physically impossible for me to be sexually attracted to anyone until after an emotional bond has been formed, but once that bond has been formed, I don't particularly have a preference for any gender. I suppose I could theoretically be demipansexual, but I prefer to identify as demibi. I am also polyamorous. The only reason all of that's relevant is because my answer is probably going to be influenced by it.

So, with that in mind... let me ask you a question. If you got a PM from a person you didn't know, asking you if you'd be interested in a sexual relationship with them, how would you feel?

Personally, I'd feel like the person messaging me was treating me like a sex/fetish dispenser rather than an actual human being, and it would make me remarkably unwilling to even consider an acquaintance with that person. It would not get the desired effect with me, and I'd probably be angry with any ex who asked his current partner to do that. However, I don't know how the woman you're talking about would respond; your husband would know better than I would, but even he can't tell you definitively--just because he used to know her doesn't necessarily means he knows who she is now. I would be especially put off if I felt like they were trying to use me as a sex toy to spice up their current sex life (I'm not saying that's what you're doing, but it could very easily come across that way).

My advice would be to not actively look for a female partner. I think you'd have better success by just making platonic friends who happen to be bi- or pansexual women and being open about your curiosity in this regard. Eventually, a friendship or two might develop beyond platonic feelings, or one of your new friends might know someone else who's interested and introduce you.

I would also advise against pursuing anything with your current partner's ex, but that's just me. Unless they're still good friends and there's little to no risk of complications, it just seems a little risky to me. Too many potential pitfalls there, especially if this is your first foray into ethical non-monogamy. I think it would be better to find a new partner who doesn't have a history with either of you.

If you have your heart set on contacting this woman, I would suggest a different approach. Your husband approaching her might be a good idea, because she already has or used to have a connection with him that might make her less prone to assume the worst.

Alternatively, you could try approaching her as a friend, mentioning that your husband said she might be a good person to talk to about your bisexual interests (though she might be upset at having been outed by him; being sexually open doesn't necessarily mean she's fully out), etc. I would not advise that you go into it expecting to eventually have sex with her, but if you can't get past that expectation, it is better that you're upfront with her about it from the start as politely (but not so indirectly that she doesn't even notice) as you're able to.

I hope that helps. Good luck!