How NOT to write sex scenes

[cloudy]

Got this link from the NaNo forum, and just HAD to share:

The Guardian's bad sex award winner

These are absolutely hilarious! First place:

I am Charlotte Simmons by Tom Wolfe (Jonathan Cape)

Hoyt began moving his lips as if he were trying to suck the ice cream off the top of a cone without using his teeth. She tried to make her lips move in sync with his. The next thing she knew, Hoyt had put his hand sort of under her thigh and hoisted her leg up over his thigh. What was she to do? Was this the point she should say, "Stop!"? No, she shouldn't put it that way. It would be much cooler to say, "No, Hoyt," in an even voice, the way you would talk to a dog that insists on begging at the table.

Slither slither slither slither went the tongue, but the hand that was what she tried to concentrate on, the hand, since it has the entire terrain of her torso to explore and not just the otorhinolaryngological caverns - oh God, it was not just at the border where the flesh of the breast joins the pectoral sheath of the chest - no, the hand was cupping her entire right - Now! She must say "No, Hoyt" and talk to him like a dog. . .

. . . the fingers went under the elastic of the panties moan moan moan moan moan went Hoyt as he slithered slithered slithered slithered and caress caress caress caress went the fingers until they must be only eighths of inches from the border of her public hair - what's that! - Her panties were so wet down. . . there - the fingers had definitely reached the outer stand of the field of pubic hair and would soon plunge into the wet mess that was waiting right. . . there-there-

 

[Recidiva]

Got this link from the NaNo forum, and just HAD to share:

The Guardian's bad sex award winner

These are absolutely hilarious! First place:

I am Charlotte Simmons by Tom Wolfe (Jonathan Cape)

Hoyt began moving his lips as if he were trying to suck the ice cream off the top of a cone without using his teeth. She tried to make her lips move in sync with his. The next thing she knew, Hoyt had put his hand sort of under her thigh and hoisted her leg up over his thigh. What was she to do? Was this the point she should say, "Stop!"? No, she shouldn't put it that way. It would be much cooler to say, "No, Hoyt," in an even voice, the way you would talk to a dog that insists on begging at the table.

Slither slither slither slither went the tongue, but the hand that was what she tried to concentrate on, the hand, since it has the entire terrain of her torso to explore and not just the otorhinolaryngological caverns - oh God, it was not just at the border where the flesh of the breast joins the pectoral sheath of the chest - no, the hand was cupping her entire right - Now! She must say "No, Hoyt" and talk to him like a dog. . .

. . . the fingers went under the elastic of the panties moan moan moan moan moan went Hoyt as he slithered slithered slithered slithered and caress caress caress caress went the fingers until they must be only eighths of inches from the border of her public hair - what's that! - Her panties were so wet down. . . there - the fingers had definitely reached the outer stand of the field of pubic hair and would soon plunge into the wet mess that was waiting right. . . there-there-

LOL! YAAAAAY! Too funny!

 

[cloudy]

LOL! YAAAAAY! Too funny!

I think "slither slither slither" is my fave.

 

[Recidiva]

Hoyt had put his hand sort of under her thigh

Well, is it, or isn't it? This is important.

 

[OhMissScarlett]

It warms my heart to know that CV is still out there, doing his thing.

 

[CrimsonMaiden]

Don't make me laugh. It hurts.

That was freaking hilarious. I have to agree Cloudy: slither, slither, slither

 

[Extreme Bohunk]

Slither slither slither slither went the tongue, - (Priceless!)

but the hand that was what she tried to concentrate on, the hand,
(who, what, where, when?)

since it has the entire terrain of her torso to explore and not just the otorhinolaryngological caverns - ( too much C.S.I.)

oh God, it was not just at the border where the flesh of the breast joins the pectoral sheath of the chest - ( Autopsy! I swear!)

no, the hand was cupping her entire right - Now! She must say "No, Hoyt" and talk to him like a dog. . . (somebody shoulda said 'No' at about sentence 1)

. . . the fingers (the hand! what happened to the hand that was?)

went under the elastic of the panties moan moan moan moan moan went Hoyt as he slithered slithered slithered slithered and caress caress caress caress
(meow meow meow meow)

 

[cloudy]

another funny one:

The Last Song of Dusk by Siddharth Dhanvant Shangvi (Weidenfeld & Nicolson)

Was it on the bed that she sat on him, her weasel-like loins clutching and unclutching his lovely, long, louche manhood, as though squeezing an orange for its juice? Or was it on the balcony swing, much later, that he buried his thirsty tongue in those thick pink lips between her legs? She loved most the lusciousness of his buttocks, their dimpled circumference, as though God had created them only so she might pull him farther into herself and then muffle her rapturous pleasure as she had, only a few hours back, muffled her anguish. ... they had exhausted all the wild beasts lurking in the forests of their flesh.

weasel-like loins?

 

[Extreme Bohunk]

another funny one:



weasel-like loins?

She forgot to shave.

I'm puzzling over the louche.
Is it like in 'My Cousin Vinne'? - "Dese two louche"....

 

[Penelope Street]

another funny one:
weasel-like loins?

I think that one's even funnier. Slither slither slither, silly though it may be, I can at least understand. But weasel-like loins? What is that; skinny, furry all over, and abundantly, uh, aromatic?

 

[BlackSnake]

I like this one:The Bad Sex award winner and longlist

The rest of the longlist

Before I Forget by André Brink (Secker & Warburg)

. . . the most tousled, tangled pubic patch through which I have ever had to find my way. A near impenetrable little forest, a small private Amazon to get lost in. But when one finally got down to the river, slipping and sliding through reeds and weeds and rushes and undergrowth, one could slither through the mud and dive in, wholly immerse oneself, stay down for an impossibly long time, nearly drowning, before coming up again, panting and heaving. . .
(p140)

I have to say, if any of you ladies decided on having something like the jugle described here, this is one snake that won't be searching for the hole.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

I Am Charlotte Simmons, in general, and that scene in particular, are absolute confirmation of the widely held belief that Tom Wolfe should stick to non-fiction.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[OhMissScarlett]

I like this one:The Bad Sex award winner and longlist

The rest of the longlist

Before I Forget by André Brink (Secker & Warburg)

. . . the most tousled, tangled pubic patch through which I have ever had to find my way. A near impenetrable little forest, a small private Amazon to get lost in. But when one finally got down to the river, slipping and sliding through reeds and weeds and rushes and undergrowth, one could slither through the mud and dive in, wholly immerse oneself, stay down for an impossibly long time, nearly drowning, before coming up again, panting and heaving. . .
(p140)

I have to say, if any of you ladies decided on having something like the jugle described here, this is one snake that won't be searching for the hole.

I hope he brought along his machete and native guides.

 

[M-Y-Erotica]

into the rain forest

I kinda liked the one that BlackSnake posted. Huh. Fun, honest, natural. And then you get to come up panting and heaving. Yeah, I'd go on the safari.

 

[Sweetpeeee]

Well, is it, or isn't it? This is important.

my thoughts exactly!!! LMAO

 

[Kassiana]

IMO, any description of sex which involves silly euphemisms for sexual organs should be taken out and shot. And authors who use the word "manhood" for penis should be horsewhipped, but not if they enjoy it.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

another funny one:



weasel-like loins?

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAAAA!!!!!

 

[ABSTRUSE]

I see challenge potential here.

 

[Recidiva]

I see challenge potential here.

Oh yeah! I want to write bad like sothat I can miszpel and do bad like gramer and use wodrs out of contechs.

The Dogberry Challenge.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

Oh yeah! I want to write bad like sothat I can miszpel and do bad like gramer and use wodrs out of contechs.

The Dogberry Challenge.

That makes my weasel-like loins throb like a sore tooth after too much candy.

 

[Recidiva]

That makes my weasel-like loins throb like a sore tooth after too much candy.

I want to sects you up until you don't go up no more, lambie plate.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

I want to sects you up until you don't go up no more, lambie plate.

PMSL!!!!

That's hotter than a pig bar-b-que in August in the deep south when my family has a pitnick. I want to thump your breests like melons at the WaWa.

 

[Recidiva]

PMSL!!!!

That's hotter than a pig bar-b-que in August in the deep south when my family has a pitnick. I want to thump your breests like melons at the WaWa.

OhJeezus. Talking about family makes me just want to roast your weenie over hot coals, makes me feel so good I just wanna squeeze your lemons and just suck down the pulp.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

OhJeezus. Talking about family makes me just want to roast your weenie over hot coals, makes me feel so good I just wanna squeeze your lemons and just suck down the pulp.

The hair on the back off my nek stands up like the dogs when it's chasing a coon. I'm weter then Viagra falls.

 

[Recidiva]

The hair on the back off my nek stands up like the dogs when it's chasing a coon. I'm weter then Viagra falls.

Your thingy...kinda...kinda near my thingy. I can't...oh...thingy...thingy...sorta.