How not to scare a guy away

[UnseenChagrin]

Background Info Met this guy Frank the other day on the mountain. Him, me, and some mutual friends rode all day together. Throughout the day him and I increasingly flirted with each other and we decided later on that night to go hot-tubbing. So we go to one of the condo properties' sports centers and use the hot tub, pool, sauna... and eventually the women's shower for sex. Lucky we were the only ones there.

Next day (Sat) I swing by his house later in the evening and we hang out for a bit. Eventually move into his room and have sex, cuddle for a bit, then had more sex.

There definately feels like there is more to this than just sex. He even said how unusual it is to meet someone you click so well with so fast. So my question is this...

How do I not scare this guy away? I haven't really had a relationship for a couple years and never really did the whole dating scene. I usually just meet a guy, hook up, then be done with it. It was the strangest feeling to be seeing a guy more than once. I don't want to rush into anything, but I can't stand taking things snail-like. So how do I get to know him better without coming off as a stalker and overbearing? Please help, I'm awful with relationships!

 

[ReadyOne]

Every situation is so different!

I've you've really communicated with him, you probably already know where he's coming from, what he wants, and how much being with him is too much. You will know if her wants a fuck buddy or something more. Then just put yourself in his shoes...

On the other hand, generically, If I hadn't heard from him by Wednesday, I'd briefly contact him and not plan on getting together until next weekend. I'd also insist to be doing something more than just going over to his house.

You've got to get more going with him than straight sex. To establish that you demand more, don't have sex until you get it. For example, go to a movie then go to bed.

Without forcing the issue, ask about past relationships; did he have a true love in high school, are his parents together and how does he feel about that. Look for information about what he wants from life, and what stage he's at. Qualify him, like a salesman does with a sales prospect, to see if he's good.

And by the way, you might try being point blank about past relationships. "If I'm going to be fucking you, then I must know your sexual history for my protection..."

If he's honest at it, the pattern and last one(s) will tell you a lot. Before you do, decide if you will accept him fucking others along with you and let him know.

Ask him if he ever was/could be exclusive while seeing someone. Many people would want an agreement with their partner to be sexually exclusive and to tell them before they stop being exclusive, purely to reduce STD risk (regardless of the relationship itself).

"If I'm going to trust you fucking me I want to know that you can give and keep your word about sex. Have you ever promised someone to be exclusive with them? Did you always keep the promise? I'm not asking you for that promise, but I have to know that if you give it then you will keep it. Having multiple partners, especially when one of them has multiple partners, really increases STD risk. So, I want and need to know when you're fucking other people."

Finally, be available to him. Don't play hard to get. Talk to him when he calls. But your goal should be, for each contact you have with him, that you will build another (non-sexual) bridge to him.

Just my humble opinion as a guy.

 

[UnseenChagrin]

Thanks. I probably should've given more info about the situation but was running low on time. *grins* Him and I have talked about past relationships... I know his last serious girlfriend was 4 years ago and he hasn't had one since, mostly because he likes to travel a lot. I also know that it takes him a long time to consider someone his girlfriend. He's also said he won't sleep with me (I mean just staying the night and sleeping) because at this point he doesn't want to give me a false sense of security, like playing the husband/wife game, that he'll be there for me exclusively. I totally agree and understand this since we did just meet on Friday.

I've been pretty direct with him up to this point, and if I have a question I ask it. He knows that well enough by now, and so far everything I've asked him he has answered truthfully (to my knowledge). He seems very genuine.

I guess I'm just unsure of myself and how to handle this. I'm pretty aggressive when it comes to guys and if I see something I like, I make a move for it. Most of the time I totally get blown off, or I realize after a day or so that the guy is just not for me. That hasn't happened yet so I'm in unfamiliar territory.

I asked him Fri night, before we had sex or anything, what he wanted out of this. Basically I was looking for a "I just want sex" or a "we'll see what happens" answer. He told me he wasn't looking for anything specific, just wanted to take it as it went. When he kisses me, looks in my eyes, or cuddles with me I feel a connection growing, but I definately need to be straight out about the sex thing I think. I haven't asked about the exclusive sex thing yet, mostly because I wasn't expecting it to happen more than once.

 

[SexyChele]

Well, I would say that, if you want to keep a guy, it's best not to have sex with him too soon. Looks like that won't work here....

Of course, I don't have all the details of conversations and such, but from what you've stated it sounds like you have the great beginnings of a fuck buddy relationship. Sorry. That's the way it appears, and if that is what each of you are seeking, then it's great.

However, if you are looking for more of a relationship-thing, back off a little. Men never want something so much as that which is just out of reach. Understand? Another (and older) saying is: never run faster than it takes for him to catch you.

Men are funny creatures. They want desperately what they think they have to really work at to get, and discard that which is easily obtainable. Yeah. I know. They are weird that way. Something to do with the hunting instinct.

Anyway. Get him out of the bedroom. Good sex is a great thing, and hopefully sex will always get better and better. However, if all you do is hang out at his place and get nooky, gues what he's going to think you are for? Getting more clear?

Find mutual interests and do them together - movies, dinner, hiking, ball games, anything. And, uh, don't make it something like "quick-hurry-up-and-eat-cuz-we-gotta-get-back-to-your-place-and-fuck." Find out if you enjoy each other's company with your clothes on. And, every once in a while? Meet him for dinner and drinks, give him a kiss in the parking lot, and just go home - without him. Go over to his place, watch some videos, eat some pizza, do some cuddling, and then go home. Not saying every time, not saying to be a tease, either. But find out if this guy can enjoy your non-sexual presence. And you his, as well! Works both ways!

Example: spent Sunday with my partner at a ballgame, then dinner, then watched a movie at his place. Did some cuddling, some kissing. I would have been okay with a "quickie", but knew I had to leave because we both had errands to do. What happened? After the movie, he gave me a great kiss and a hug, walked me to my car, and told me he'd talk to me later. Okay, that left me wanting more, and wondering if all was okay. How did I find out it was? When I got to work this morning, and there was a message from him waiting for me. Starting to see the picture? And no, we are not into the playing the "husband/wife thing." Just two people attracted to each other who also enjoy each other's company - in and out of bed.

Definetely wait until he calls you. The advice that if he doesn't call you by Wednesday to give him a call is good advice. However, if you have to call him, make it short and sweet. And, no, you are not available to him this weekend just because you called him. If it is in his mind to see you again, he will call you. Let him.

You say you don't want to take things at a "snail-pace". I would ask - why not? What's the rush? If I rush into something with somebody, I can feed them a line of bull, use them, get what I want, and be gone before they ever find out the truth. If I have to learn about some one slowly, doors and windows to their personality open to me as he gains his trust in me. That means I learn about him, he learns about me, and if either of us don't think something is right, we've developed a measure of trust to discuss it.

Sexual exclusivity is a biggie, unless you are taking proper precautions. I would assume he is not being exclusive, based on the quickness with which he acted with you, and his lack of desire in getting into a relationship. Another benefit to move along at "snail-pace." Always assume there is another woman (or two or three) unless/until he states he wants a relationship and/or committment. (Not always a safe bet then, but you would have more than you do now.)

Final advice? Sit back, wait for the phone to ring, and enjoy being "chased." And if he doesn't call or chase, go out and enjoy life.

Good luck~

 

[lovechild27]

Be straightforward...ask him if its to much to fast. Dont let just assuming you know what he is thinking ruin what could be very good. Good luck

 

[HoHoBomb]

I think that you are in trouble.

my advice to you is to slow down your mind
and your feelings about "what could be"
the past
the future etc...

stop!




just enjoy the time that you are together
be yourself

live in the now

you can't make things happen!

 

[Amfig]

In my opinion- if you want to keep it going do not try to get in charge. Biggest mistake women (mostly) make is trying to plan next month, or otherwise get in charge of a guy's schedule. Years ago I dated a woman for a while. Stayed at her place one or two nights a week. Six p.m one evening, I'm at my office, working, no plans to see her. Get a call wanting to know what time I'm going to be home and what we are doing on Friday. I never spent Fridays with her. Had other things I usually did on Fridays. Never ran so fast.

 

[Guest]

dont play headgames if you truly want this man.
Dont shy away from his affection. Let him know he is special and dont compare him to other guys.
If he says he will call you and doesnt call, dont assume he doesnt want to see you anymore. Maybe he has some issues to deal with.
If he refuses to talk about things, dont push him. People open with time.

 

[much2much]

Be open with him and tell him you are having fun with the romping sessions and enjoy his company. Tell him you like being with him but are concerned about "frightening" him. He'll either let you know he's not open to a relationship or that he feels like you do. At that point, you can carry on with a relationship or agree to be fuch buddies. If you realize you are growing attached and he isn't, you are better off knowing the deal anyhow.