How much is too much or too little sex in a marriage

[ctarrantella]

So, I’ve been searching for some answers on the boards.

I’m in a bit of a rut sexually with my wife of 20+ years (both mid 40’s) with mid-teen kids.

My biggest question is…
Am I asking too much, to have sex 2-3 times a week? How many times do most couples in a week have sex?

I’m kinda lost right now. We can go 2-3 times one week, then get completely caught up and it maybe a week or 2-3 weeks before we can sync up again for sex. Those long stretches are what kills me.

Currently, we hit a good spot. It’s been twice this week. But I see the impending stretch coming on. It usually does (like a cycle).

Let me know your thoughts.

 

[Ingenue844]

We go at it about every 5 days.
Unfortunately, I’m wanting it twice a day.

…I need a boyfriend

 

[ctarrantella]

We go at it about every 5 days.
Unfortunately, I’m wanting it twice a day.

…I need a boyfriend

How long are you together? Do you have kids as well? If so younger or older. What would you say is the cause of every 5 days.

 

[Ingenue844]

How long are you together? Do you have kids as well? If so younger or older. What would you say is the cause of every 5 days.

Together over 14 years
2 cockblockers-youngish

He has low drive.
Distracted by responsibilities.
It just seems to work out like that.

 

[ctarrantella]

Together over 14 years
2 cockblockers-youngish

He has low drive.
Distracted by responsibilities.
It just seems to work out like that.

Same here then. Our blockers are a little older. Which I thought would be easier to find alone time for my wife and I.

You can throw in sick parents as well on my end. Like you and the guy above I’d live twice a day. But that’s a dream I can’t imagine would ever be reality.

 

[Ingenue844]

Same here then. Our blockers are a little older. Which I thought would be easier to find alone time for my wife and I.

You can throw in sick parents as well on my end. Like you and the guy above I’d live twice a day. But that’s a dream I can’t imagine would ever be reality.

Yeah…even if I found a boyfriend, it’s unrealistic we could meet up twice a day, everyday.

 

[Ingenue844]

My wife has told me a few times I need to find a girlfriend and quit bugging her for sex so much, but I don’t have time for that crap… hell I barely have time to go to the store on my own.

Having a SO is crap?

 

[EStaccato]

We're going on 13 years, and we were getting down once or twice a day, some days nothing, but most days something. Our sex drought is medical. With some sex therapy, my spouse is figuring out how to be intimate without certain 'features'. When I joined Lit a few weeks ago, there had been two attempts at intimacy in about three and a half years. Since, we've had three encounters, and I was able to climax through two of them... but I still masturbate a minimum of three times a day. ... I would like a girlfriend, and my spouse isn't necessarily threatened by that (he would be if I wanted a boyfriend), but he's codependent and wouldn't do well if I gave my time to anyone outside the household. It's tough for me to have friends that aren't online. ... Anyhow, I feel for all of you.

There should be website for sexless marriage support. (Psst, support is code for fucking).

 

[HumpDayHoratio]

So, I’ve been searching for some answers on the boards.

I’m in a bit of a rut sexually with my wife of 20+ years (both mid 40’s) with mid-teen kids.

My biggest question is…
Am I asking too much, to have sex 2-3 times a week? How many times do most couples in a week have sex?

I’m kinda lost right now. We can go 2-3 times one week, then get completely caught up and it maybe a week or 2-3 weeks before we can sync up again for sex. Those long stretches are what kills me.

Currently, we hit a good spot. It’s been twice this week. But I see the impending stretch coming on. It usually does (like a cycle).

Let me know your thoughts.

Adulting101 in ‘22! Kids, aging parents, stressful jobs, F’N MENOPAUSE, UGH! Add all that up and it’s a wonder we even have time for a kiss!

If you’re get‘n it 2-3 times a week consider yourself LUCKY! I dream of that! Part of the reason I’m on this forum is to paper over the bare times. I’m gone for a week or more sometimes so my time is limited To start with. Every other Sat is “date” night. So every other Sat is HumpDay . Sadly there isn’t much more in between anymore.

For reference we’re late 50’s, married 30+, but stretched the little cock blockers over close to 15yrs. I do feel lucky after chatting with more than a few on here that get NO sex due to illness or a partner that has just quit.

Welcome to middle age my brother!

 

[ctarrantella]

If you’re get‘n it 2-3 times a week consider yourself LUCKY!

Ha! That’s my dream 2 to 3 times a week. Trust me, I’m not that lucky.
I’ve been trying to figure out if that is an unreasonable ask 2-3 times a week. According to my wife we just don’t have the time for it that often.

My favorite (sense the sarcasm when I type this) is you get into a groove and have sex a couple times a week and then it dries up for a week to two weeks. Those long dry spells are what really bothers me. Then… the more you ask, the more it pressures her and pushes her further away. The never ending cycle.

 

[HumpDayHoratio]

Ha! That’s my dream 2 to 3 times a week. Trust me, I’m not that lucky.
I’ve been trying to figure out if that is an unreasonable ask 2-3 times a week. According to my wife we just don’t have the time for it that often.

My favorite (sense the sarcasm when I type this) is you get into a groove and have sex a couple times a week and then it dries up for a week to two weeks. Those long dry spells are what really bothers me. Then… the more you ask, the more it pressures her and pushes her further away. The never ending cycle.

The long dry spells. Yep. I feel you.

Then I complain, then she digs her heels in more, then starts calling me a sex maniac (I’ll take that!), then we do the deed, she has an O then she’s good to go. Cycle repeats.

Now menopause has entered the chat room. Just wait for that bitch to arrive

 

[ctarrantella]

The long dry spells. Yep. I feel you.

Then I complain, then she digs her heels in more, then starts calling me a sex maniac (I’ll take that!), then we do the deed, she has an O then she’s good to go. Cycle repeats.

Now menopause has entered the chat room. Just wait for that bitch to arrive

Yeah! Can’t wait for that. How long do I have. My wife is mid forties. My buddies wife is just starting it. I want to say she is 46 or 47ish.

Then I also hear some women go through it and increase their sex drive.

 

[HumpDayHoratio]

My wife hit Perimenopause around 53-54. Every woman is different. One friend hit mid 40’s a cousin early 40’s so it could rear it’s head at any moment. I seem to remember a friend at work saying his wife hit it late 30’s? Who knows.

In my wife’s case it definitely hasn’t increased her drive. It’s basically killed It. She LOVED the ovulation period, so Meno has really done a number on her head space in that regard. She’s into a support group and has a couple of oils and creams that help with sensitivity. I posted about it on another thread. I’ll try and find and link it for you.

Maybe some of our LitLadies can chime in with experiences?

 

[CTim]

We usually get to it twice a week. Wife has been in perimenopause for awhile, we are crazy busy, usually tired, and she has little to no drive. However, she's generous and willing, and knows I'll warm her up. It's usually quick and vanilla, but because we both know it's important for the marriage we make the effort.

 

[dad8bod]

40’s, kids are grown and out the house. Even with all that, if I can get her in bed once a week right now, that’s a good week. But similar, it’s a roller coaster.

When it happens, it’s usually tremendous. She still checks damn near all my boxes in between the sheets, but I’m willing to trade quality for quantity at this point.

 

[hanban24]

So, I’ve been searching for some answers on the boards.

I’m in a bit of a rut sexually with my wife of 20+ years (both mid 40’s) with mid-teen kids.

My biggest question is…
Am I asking too much, to have sex 2-3 times a week? How many times do most couples in a week have sex?

I’m kinda lost right now. We can go 2-3 times one week, then get completely caught up and it maybe a week or 2-3 weeks before we can sync up again for sex. Those long stretches are what kills me.

Currently, we hit a good spot. It’s been twice this week. But I see the impending stretch coming on. It usually does (like a cycle).

Let me know your thoughts.

I think 2-3 times is a healthy amount. I’m not married, but have friends who are. Some do more, some do less. A lot of it depends on your sexual appetites. I think that is what the honest conversation has to be about. What does it take to satisfy you both. There isn’t a too much or too little, as long as you are both happy.

 

[ctarrantella]

I think 2-3 times is a healthy amount. I’m not married, but have friends who are. Some do more, some do less. A lot of it depends on your sexual appetites. I think that is what the honest conversation has to be about. What does it take to satisfy you both. There isn’t a too much or too little, as long as you are both happy.

Well now! That’s very rational. LOL.
The problem is finding that happy medium for both of us. We had a good weekend last week. Now she hasn’t looked at me this whole week. I usually start to crave sex after the 3rd day.

if I can get her in bed once a week right now, that’s a good week. But similar, it’s a roller coaster.

When it happens, it’s usually tremendous. She still checks damn near all my boxes in between the sheets, but I’m willing to trade quality for quantity at this point.

I’m right there with as you can see. I even wonder about the quality sometimes. When she is willing it’s just to let me have my fun. Not often but once in awhile it’s like that.

 

[hanban24]

Well now! That’s very rational. LOL.
The problem is finding that happy medium for both of us. We had a good weekend last week. Now she hasn’t looked at me this whole week. I usually start to crave sex after the 3rd day.


I’m right there with as you can see. I even wonder about the quality sometimes. When she is willing it’s just to let me have my fun. Not often but once in awhile it’s like that.

What are her thoughts on you masturbating? Have you all discussed sexual activity together that isn’t intercourse? I get it can be hard when drives are really misaligned. At the end of the day compromise is what it takes.

 

[ctarrantella]

What are her thoughts on you masturbating? Have you all discussed sexual activity together that isn’t intercourse? I get it can be hard when drives are really misaligned. At the end of the day compromise is what it takes.

You know what, it’s something I brought up very early in our marriage. She didn’t really seem into it. When I mentioned it to her she felt like she wasn’t enough. She said she doesn’t do it. Only a few times in her life. She wouldn’t go into it much with me and one night talking in bed asked me to stop asking and bring it up. That’s was maybe 13 to 14 years ago. I never have since.

 

[KatieDoes]

If your wife enjoys sex when you have it, but ends up too overwhelmed with other responsibilities to have the time and energy to want sex more often…..wouldn’t the solution be to take on more of the responsibilities and ensure that she has enough down time to want sex more often?

 

[hanban24]

If your wife enjoys sex when you have it, but ends up too overwhelmed with other responsibilities to have the time and energy to want sex more often…..wouldn’t the solution be to take on more of the responsibilities and ensure that she has enough down time to want sex more often?

He’s covered that issue in another thread. It doesn’t seem to be the weight of responsibilities that drags her down. Just that her drive isn’t as high as his.

 

[ctarrantella]

If your wife enjoys sex when you have it, but ends up too overwhelmed with other responsibilities to have the time and energy to want sex more often…..wouldn’t the solution be to take on more of the responsibilities and ensure that she has enough down time to want sex more often?

She has actually said I have done more and more and yet she still doesn’t have the time. She admits it and knows how much more I do. I now do the laundry, cook more often, dishes as well, driving and picking up the kids. I wish that was the solution. But it’s something I’ve been doing. And it’s not that I do it for the sex. I do it because I want to and I have the time to do it now that I predominantly work from home.

 

[hanban24]

You know what, it’s something I brought up very early in our marriage. She didn’t really seem into it. When I mentioned it to her she felt like she wasn’t enough. She said she doesn’t do it. Only a few times in her life. She wouldn’t go into it much with me and one night talking in bed asked me to stop asking and bring it up. That’s was maybe 13 to 14 years ago. I never have since.

I mean…is she enough? If she is, then I agree, no need for you to masturbate. If it keeps you at a good place sexually without having to pester her, I don’t see the issue with it.

Granted, it can be hard for some women to understand if they don’t masturbate. I’ve had a pretty healthy relationship with masturbation in my life, so I understand the benefits and need for it. Others of my girlfriends dont.

 

[KatieDoes]

She has actually said I have done more and more and yet she still doesn’t have the time. She admits it and knows how much more I do. I now do the laundry, cook more often, dishes as well, driving and picking up the kids. I wish that was the solution. But it’s something I’ve been doing. And it’s not that I do it for the sex. I do it because I want to and I have the time to do it now that I predominantly work from home

If that’s not it, then I’d recommend making time to connect emotionally, without it being about sex. Women (NotAllWomen, but generally) tend to need to feel connected and safe emotionally to crave sex. If we don’t feel that we are valued and heard, it’s really difficult to shift into the intimacy required for good sex. Sex begins to feel like something that is being demanded of us, rather than offered to us. The last thing you want is for her to feel as though having sex is just one more chore on her list.

 

[Leglover1234]

If your wife enjoys sex when you have it, but ends up too overwhelmed with other responsibilities to have the time and energy to want sex more often…..wouldn’t the solution be to take on more of the responsibilities and ensure that she has enough down time to want sex more often?

I agree with you Katie. Sharing responsibilities does help but in my case my wife took advantage and started using sex as a bargaining tool. At the end of the the day men are just as tired as women.
I always thought of sex as a way to escape life for a little while, to reconnect with your partner and to make them feel good.