How loud can I scream FUCK?

[Rubyfruit]

I just spent a week with my inlaws. "Mom" knows best. In every subject. It's amazing really.

How does one person know the exact level of outerwear that my kids need, the best way to arrange the furniture in my house, how many inches a window should be open at any given time, how best to cook chicken and if my kids should open their birthday presents today or tomorrow?

 

[Private Vasquez]

tomorrow

It's easier to remember how much the window should be openend if you put a small pencil mark on the side of it.

 

[Liontamr]

It's chilly tommorow, wear an extra sweater.
That couch should be a little more to the left.
*looks* What time is it? I'd say 4 and 3/4 inches.
Ah hell, forget cooking.. just call KFC.
Two today, the rest tommorow.. And damnit wait until the camera is ready and I have a coffee in my hands.

 

[Sillyman]

God, my grandparents are like that. What's worse is even when you agree with them they still have to go on some long emotionally overwrought diatribe about doing it their way EVEN IF THAT WAS WHAT YOU WERE GOING TO DO ANYWAY!

 

[Siren]

Rubes

 

[MechaBlade]

I just spent a week with my inlaws. "Mom" knows best. In every subject. It's amazing really.

How does one person know the exact level of outerwear that my kids need, the best way to arrange the furniture in my house, how many inches a window should be open at any given time, how best to cook chicken and if my kids should open their birthday presents today or tomorrow?

Mothers need to know that they know everything. There is only one question on the application to be a mother: "Do you know everything?" So they have to know everything.

170 decibels, just a bit louder than a jet engine.

 

[Rubyfruit]

Dressed my six year old in a long-sleeved shirt and jeans. Low 70s predicted for the high.

Mom Are you sure he'll be warm enough?

Slighly agitated daughter in law Yeah. I'm sure he'll be fine. You know, he's really activ...... (watching mom poke her head outside to test the temp)

Evil Mother in Law It's really cold now.

The Bitch Your Son Married Getting the fucking jacket, that, by the fucking way, your grandson will NOT wear today because it's too fucking hot.

Happy?

 

[Private Vasquez]

low 70's is damn cold.

 

[kiwiwolf]

Dressed my six year old in a long-sleeved shirt and jeans. Low 70s predicted for the high.

Mom Are you sure he'll be warm enough?

Slighly agitated daughter in law Yeah. I'm sure he'll be fine. You know, he's really activ...... (watching mom poke her head outside to test the temp)

Evil Mother in Law It's really cold now.

The Bitch Your Son Married Getting the fucking jacket, that, by the fucking way, your grandson will NOT wear today because it's too fucking hot.

Happy?

You know for a home cooked meal and a cup of coffee I can break her knees for you...

 

[Siren]

 

[Sillyman]

Urge to kill rising...

 

[concrete]

ruby

..welcome to the club...
,,mother in-law moved in 2 weeks ago
,,she stays 4 to 5 months at a time
,,no burbing or dare farting
,,no walking around in my underwear and scrachting my balls
,,no LOUD SEX with her daughter
,,my hockey time on T.V. is limited
,,no extra King Cans of beer at night ..she needs chocklate bars
,,we eat what ,she wants, when she wants
,,
this list could go on forever


it;s all family girl ya gota love it

 

[Rubyfruit]

You know for a home cooked meal and a cup of coffee I can break her knees for you...

That's mighty tempting.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Rubyfruit,

Wait until the day before you're to leave. When she gives you some "advice" you didn't ask for and don't agree with, tell her so. There may be hell to pay for awhile but it'll blow over and probably do so sooner than later. Remember, you're the one holding all the trumps, her son and grandchild.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[someplace]

You have my sympathies

First marriage damaged badly by his mother.

Got along pretty well with second mother-in-law. She lived 10,000 miles away (really). Only saw her 4 or 5 times in nearly 20 years. But the first time I met her was less than 2 weeks after my daughter's birth. "Mum" came to stay for 8 weeks. I found out I could be exceptionally nice for 5 weeks. After that you saw the real me.

Now I've got a new daughter-in-law. Not especially fond of her, nor she of me. We stay the hell away from each other. I did very well, thank you, as the mother-of-the-groom. Read & obeyed the "Official Mother-of-the-Groom Checklist": Wear beige and KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!

Good luck to you. Don't bite your tongue too hard!

 

[Rubyfruit]

Someplace, what is it with mothers and the women their sons marry?

I don't see it with my mom and my husband. Not the same type of competition. But my mom has a horrible relationship with her daughter in law.

I swear I'll let go of my son when he's an adult. I swear.

 

[AzureAngel]

I hear ya, Ruby. Just had relatives here for the last few days. Highlights including:

"Ah hope ya don' take wha'ah said at thuh table too serious, but if'n y'did... boy-ah, you got a lot-ah growin up t'do, boy-ah!"

Gee. I'm workin' on it, but it's so hard to grow into the ignorant lump of shit that you are, Gramps! I'm tryin' to hate people of different races and sexual orientations, really! Especially those "damn Pakistanis!" (As defined by his genius: Someone with darker hair and skin with a big nose.) Ugh.

"Y'just gotta expect the worst of people and they'll never disappoint you!"

So -that's- why he has so many friends and comes off as so positive... I thought it was the 23 bottles of "herbal remedies."

"What's life without a few jabs here and there? A lil jokin' around?"

Hey. Here's a tip, dickhead. When you're ONLY JABBING, no one likes you. I don't. Your family doesn't. Your family's families don't.

Oh well. I'm not good at the social tact game, so that guy knows I hate him. Heh. I'm very blunt when I don't like people. Sum'bitch. RAAR.

 

[Laurel]

I'm laughing and crying at the same time, AA.

 

[AzureAngel]

I'm laughing and crying at the same time, AA.

Oh. There's more, Laurel, but I don't want to steal the thunder.

 

[Laurel]

Write a book. I'll buy it. I swear.

 

[Rubyfruit]

Steal it baby. I'm all out of thunder tonight.

 

[AzureAngel]

Well then, let me continue.

First of all, Grandfather tells the most ridiculously lame jokes. He thinks they're quite funny, but they're idiotic. I can't even give you an example because, much like a traumatic childhood experience, my brain has locked these stories away. I'm sure that, many years down the road, they'll surface and I'll have a mental breakdown.

All that I remember is, "You hear the one about the SMART blond?" and my brain screaming, "NO! FUCK NO! MAKE IT STOP!" My ears may have been bleeding.

Not only do the jokes suck, but he assumes that he's somehow mentally superior and that I'm not laughing because I didn't get the joke. I understand the jokes just fine, just like I'm pretty damn good at connect the dots, it's just that they're not funny.

He's hyper-critical of everyone. Never says anything positive. He always points out that I'm not "built" like him. Much like "growing" into his ignorance, just as he'd like, Mother Nature has not made me a Linebacker. Guess I'm really missing out, since he won't offer to "rassle" with me.

Correction: He's positive in reference to being a dick. "Oh, my telling you that you're not as good as me was just my way of saying I love you." -What?- Because of his "love," everyone within his range of influence becomes edgy, quick to anger and generally just shitty.

Here's my favorite. He came up for my sister and sister-in-law's graduation. He goes to my sister-in-law and somehow this steamy lump of shit came out his mouth instead of his ass: "Naw that yer dun with this job y'can move onta th'greater job ah pop-yuh-latin (populating) th'earth!"

Were it not for my existence, I could not justify my grandfather being allowed to breed.

It's so obvious my loathing for the man. Every relative comes directly to me to bitch about him. All of them. Hell, even leaving the house with a friend, he said something to me that I ignored and my friend commented to me later, "At least he knows you hate him."

 

[Lost Cause]

What's the difference between In-laws and Outlaws? Outlaws are wanted!
**Where are you going? Do you want to leave a note so (name here) knows where you are? Will you be back to make the kids dinner? Is that pistol loaded? Why are you pointing it me? Why do you have a wild look in your eyes? Why don't you put that down before the neighbors see you? Do you know you wear way too much makeup? Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Front door gently closes.....a car is heard driving into the distance. **