How have you...

[tealsphynx]

I've had a rough couple of years between moving, pregnancy, moving, birth and subbies multiple surgeries and I'm having a hard time dealing. I'm feeling wounded, bleeding really. because of all the circumstanses (mainly the surgeries, it's been a year since they all started) play has been limited, and almost non-existent. I hadn't been able to even do non-physical play because of all the drugs. Now he's getting better, and we've tried regular sex, but it's really not what gets me going in sex because he's hurting and we have to take it gentle, so I find it almost depressing to think about having sex because I know it's not going to satisfy what I'm craving. It could just be that over the last year I've had to do and be absolutely everything for the whole household...maybe now that he's almost able to be helpful again I'm feeling some resentment, maybe I'd just like someone to take care of me a little... I know we've had some couples on the board in the past who have run into health interfering with life, and I can't find a thread that really answers my curiousity...what have other people done when play wasn't really doable, and regular sex just left more disappointment than pleasure?

 

[graceanne]

Oh, hon. *hugs* I'm on his side of the equation, so I don't know what to say. I know that if he REALLY wants to play, and I'm not up to it we'll do something like give a drink to go with my pain meds. Have you talked to him? He might have some ideas, I'm sure he's missing playing, too.

ETA:

Have you considered maybe some psychological play? Nothing that physically hurts him, but like humiliation and stuff?

 

[tealsphynx]

We've only just been able to start trying with psychological play, he's been drugged out of his skull.

 

[graceanne]

We've only just been able to start trying with psychological play, he's been drugged out of his skull.

I hear that - nothing like the stupidity of being on drugs to kill that form of play. I don't recall what kind of play you two are into, but I do recall you made him dress up like a puppy once. I'd think that's something you can do, even when he's sick. Theirs the always popular make him wear womens panties - it's in all the bdsm F/m stories.

 

[Betticus]

Looks like I need to go through some older posts!

 

[catalina_francisco]

Sorry you're going through a tough patch. It is never easy but I think what works for us is talking about it, looking at the bigger picture, knowing we are working toward a common goal, and remembering we didn't go into this relationship for just the good times but more so to support each other through the bad as well. I know a lot of people look outside the relationship at these times, but that is just not what would work for us or be desired, so waiting and believing in both our past and future helps somewhat. Sometimes we need to remember we are not the only ones to have gone through difficulties, look to other examples like in decades past when people have had to endure due to war or recessions as opposed to looking for instant gratification, and remember though unpleasant as it may be in the moment, it will not kill us. You will get there, and your relationship be the stronger for it I suspect.

I do know how it feels though to feel so overwhelmed and in need of some release and weight lifted...hang in there and better days will be on their way. Perhaps making changes in your lives could help such as simply starting a new hobby...not D/s I know, but if you find something which can offer a new enthusiasm as well as alleviate the stress of being in the position you are in right now, it might be enough to give you a small lift if nothing else and also help take some of the concentration off what you don't have right now.

Catalina

 

[LittleJade]

When he wasn't interested in sex after a car accident we were in, he allowed me to go elsewhere for it...

and when I wasn't able to have sex during a time when I was injured... well, I can't be denied sex... so I'd service him orally, and fuck even though I wasn't supposed to be fucking...

You have every right to feel like being taken care of. Go have a few days at a spa, it'll help.

 

[tealsphynx]

Thank you for your response Catalina, you've always got a lot of great advise.
Little Jade, thanks for your ideas. We have, in the past, not exactly followed dr.'s orders when it came to sex..now he's pulled a muscle
We do have some openess in our relationship, but I'm awkward at seeking out other partners.

 

[Netzach]

I think we just kind of shelved a lot of things we couldn't do, but it didn't stop us imagining or talking dirty about them. Even just a naughty little joke sometimes helped keep it in front of us. I don't have much consolation, as I think our sex lives *did* change. Changed a lot.

But I do have to say that I'm enjoying the process of re-learning us as a couple, it's almost like being with someone new again in many ways. It's hard to explain. My confidence as D really took a hit, but I don't know that that's a bad thing per se, I just see myself in a state of not really being sure what I know.

He's not the same person he was before, and I'm not the same person I was before - illness does change people. I don't understand why people are as resistant to that notion as they are, sometimes - it's not like it just changes everyone in bad ways.

 

[Bandit58]

Due to Sir's health, play and sex has to go on the back burner sometimes. Lately He's had a cold, had lots of back and joint pain, his tummy has just been plain icky, plus all the worry over a possibly failing dialysis fistula (which needed a fistulagram to open it up better, it's now working again).

Even though we're not able to be physical as much as He'd like, we are still very intimate. Lots of touching and cuddles and kisses, to re-affirm who we are and the love we share. His sex drive is higher than mine, so I will often satisfy Him with a blowjob. Some sex positions are out, so I will get on top and do all the work (well most of it ). I've read that some Doms consider that to be a submissive-like position for them, but for Sir it's very visual, and He can reach my breasts and clit He's still able to use a flogger and crop

For the times when He's not well enough, I go to the gym to work it off. I have a personal trainer who puts me through my paces just like a Domme I have permission to masturbate if I feel like it - He has been known to send me off to our room to play alone, although He will come in to watch or cuddle me sometimes during He is an excellent G spot finder, and I'm often left like a limp dish rag after He's finished with me

I have a female friend who I play with once or twice a month, so I think I am well looked after

 

[tealsphynx]

I think we just kind of shelved a lot of things we couldn't do, but it didn't stop us imagining or talking dirty about them. Even just a naughty little joke sometimes helped keep it in front of us. I don't have much consolation, as I think our sex lives *did* change. Changed a lot.

But I do have to say that I'm enjoying the process of re-learning us as a couple, it's almost like being with someone new again in many ways. It's hard to explain. My confidence as D really took a hit, but I don't know that that's a bad thing per se, I just see myself in a state of not really being sure what I know.

He's not the same person he was before, and I'm not the same person I was before - illness does change people. I don't understand why people are as resistant to that notion as they are, sometimes - it's not like it just changes everyone in bad ways.

Thank you Netzach. We will have to relearn some things, his right foot is basically paralyzed. His back is better, but it probably won't tollerate any play for a while...luckily it has a scar going down it now so it's a nice visual reminder. The relearning as a couple part, it is a consolation to think about that. Sometimes when things are down we forget to look at what can be good from it. Thank you.

 

[tealsphynx]

Even though we're not able to be physical as much as He'd like, we are still very intimate. Lots of touching and cuddles and kisses, to re-affirm who we are and the love we share. His sex drive is higher than mine, so I will often satisfy Him with a blowjob. Some sex positions are out, so I will get on top and do all the work (well most of it ). I've read that some Doms consider that to be a submissive-like position for them, but for Sir it's very visual, and He can reach my breasts and clit He's still able to use a flogger and crop

For the times when He's not well enough, I go to the gym to work it off. I have a personal trainer who puts me through my paces just like a Domme I have permission to masturbate if I feel like it - He has been known to send me off to our room to play alone, although He will come in to watch or cuddle me sometimes during He is an excellent G spot finder, and I'm often left like a limp dish rag after He's finished with me

I have a female friend who I play with once or twice a month, so I think I am well looked after

Being on top during sex isn't necessarily something I consider submissive. It's funny, I hadn't done it much since we had our first baby because all my muscles didn't work like they did before and I felt awkward, like I was just flopping about LOL.. since his back surgery it's really been the only way, though we've also been able to do what I call the lazy doggy (rear entry while laying on the side), but me on top has really been the least painful for him. It's boosted my confidence in my body, I've been working out hard since about this time last year, and it is a nice indicator of how my work has paid off