How does this bit read to you?

[LaRascasse]

Scenario - It's part of LW story. The protagonist is newly divorced and drowning his sorrows with some Scotch at a bar. There's a conversation with the sprightly female bartender who tries to lift his mood by telling him about the people in the bar who've been eyeing him for a potential one night stand. The mood is generally grim, but she (Jade), is trying to cheer him up.

The quoted part is taken from their dialogue. I've broken the fourth wall, but I'm wondering if it's too... weird/jarring/insulting/on-the-nose. It's likely to be more than one of those four.

Let me know your opinions.

“Hang on,” said the bartender, craning her neck up to get a better view. “This is a weird one. There's a couple at the far end of the bar. The man has been nudging his wife and pointing in your direction for a while now. She seems pretty interested as well.”

“Wait what?”

“I'm pretty sure they're going to ask you to come back with them and have sex with his wife, probably with him watching,” said the knowledgeable Jade.

“People do that kind of stuff?”

“I've seen it happen quite often here.”

“And I thought it happened only in Loving Wives stories on Literotica.”

“Well,” said Jade with a broad grin. “Hate to break it to you, but you're in one of those stories as we speak. So, do you plan to take them up on their soon-to-be-made offer?”

“Didn't you read the disclaimer at the beginning? It's not a cuckold story,” said Ethan, draining the rest of his glass at once. “How about a refill?”

 

[PennLady]

I guess the thing is that we don't know the context around this scene. Has anything else broken the fourth wall? If the whole story is written with this as a kind of running joke, that's one thing and this scene would probably fit. If this bit is kind of one-and-done, and you don't mention anything like this through the rest of the story, it'll feel out of place and like the author was trying to be cute.

But I dunno -- does it add to the story? Advance anything? Shed a little light on a character or plot line?

 

[LaRascasse]

I guess the thing is that we don't know the context around this scene. Has anything else broken the fourth wall? If the whole story is written with this as a kind of running joke, that's one thing and this scene would probably fit. If this bit is kind of one-and-done, and you don't mention anything like this through the rest of the story, it'll feel out of place and like the author was trying to be cute.

But I dunno -- does it add to the story? Advance anything? Shed a little light on a character or plot line?

Yes, exactly. This is a single point of fourth wall breakage. My idea behind it is a slightly funny counterpoint to what is otherwise a grim story.

So yes, the author is trying to be cute. Is that a bad thing?

 

[legerdemer]

My opinion only...

I think it could be pulled off if you keep it really light and breezy, no rubbing our noses in it; the timing will be critical. At the moment it is a little too much - the "soon-to-be-made offer" is too heavy handed and unnecessary; just leave it at "will you take them up on their offer?"

 

[LaRascasse]

I think it could be pulled off if you keep it really light and breezy, no rubbing our noses in it; the timing will be critical. At the moment it is a little too much - the "soon-to-be-made offer" is too heavy handed and unnecessary; just leave it at "will you take them up on their offer?"

Thanks for your insight.

Just so I know, does it read like I'm "rubbing" the cuckold fans nose in it? If so, it's not my intention.

 

[legerdemer]

Thanks for your insight.

Just so I know, does it read like I'm "rubbing" the cuckold fans nose in it? If so, it's not my intention.

No, not too much in that sense. I meant rubbing our nose in it with respect to the Lit reference.

 

[LaRascasse]

No, not too much in that sense. I meant rubbing our nose in it with respect to the Lit reference.

Thanks for clearing that up. In the famous LW wars between camp cuckold and camp BTB, I am but a humble neutral.

 

[PennLady]

Yes, exactly. This is a single point of fourth wall breakage. My idea behind it is a slightly funny counterpoint to what is otherwise a grim story.

So yes, the author is trying to be cute. Is that a bad thing?

Not necessarily. I certainly put in stuff to amuse myself at times, although not like this.

I think if you left the last line out, when Ethan talks about reading the disclaimer, it would work better. Before that, the joke is all Jade, and that's fine. When he says that it's like suddenly he's in on it but before that he wasn't. I'm not sure I'm explaining that well, so sorry. I just think it'd work better without Ethan making that last observation.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I think it's often good to alloy grimdark with a trace of humour, but for me something like that would be more jarring than comical. It'd be like watching a gritty detective film where suddenly one of the detectives turns into a wolf-man for ten seconds and then it's never mentioned again; if you're going to do stuff like that you have to really make a thing of it.

 

[LaRascasse]

Not necessarily. I certainly put in stuff to amuse myself at times, although not like this.

I think if you left the last line out, when Ethan talks about reading the disclaimer, it would work better. Before that, the joke is all Jade, and that's fine. When he says that it's like suddenly he's in on it but before that he wasn't. I'm not sure I'm explaining that well, so sorry. I just think it'd work better without Ethan making that last observation.

Point taken. I'm removing that line and taking out the disclaimer as well. There are two reasons for that.

1. "This is not a cuckold story" isn't exactly a valid disclaimer and it might rub people the wrong way

2. In hindsight, the only reason I put the disclaimer is to facilitate that little joke in this excerpt.

 

[LaRascasse]

I think it's often good to alloy grimdark with a trace of humour, but for me something like that would be more jarring than comical. It'd be like watching a gritty detective film where suddenly one of the detectives turns into a wolf-man for ten seconds and then it's never mentioned again; if you're going to do stuff like that you have to really make a thing of it.

So is the issue with it being there at all, or not enough of it there?

 

[PennLady]

So is the issue with it being there at all, or not enough of it there?

I think the issue is that it seems to come out of nowhere, although I admit that's a guess since we haven't read the whole story, and then it looks like it'll just be thrown away.

It seems like an odd thing for him to say, to bring up Literotica, because how does he know Jade will know what he's talking about? And he's not in such a story yet, although Jade jokes that he will be. And this makes me realize I misread the OP to an extent, since it's Ethan who brings up Lit, not Jade. Still, it feels like there's something missing in the exchange.

I think, to me, it comes down to the fact that it feels like this is put in for the readers, but it doesn't flow organically in the story, although again that may be because we're only reading this snippet and so we're not getting the whole context.

 

[LaRascasse]

I think the issue is that it seems to come out of nowhere, although I admit that's a guess since we haven't read the whole story, and then it looks like it'll just be thrown away.

It seems like an odd thing for him to say, to bring up Literotica, because how does he know Jade will know what he's talking about? And he's not in such a story yet, although Jade jokes that he will be. And this makes me realize I misread the OP to an extent, since it's Ethan who brings up Lit, not Jade. Still, it feels like there's something missing in the exchange.

I think, to me, it comes down to the fact that it feels like this is put in for the readers, but it doesn't flow organically in the story, although again that may be because we're only reading this snippet and so we're not getting the whole context.

There is no "context" to the discussion as such. Literotica is mentioned once and that's it. My idea is a I-see-what-you-did-there type of sideswipe reference.

 

[Bramblethorn]

So is the issue with it being there at all, or not enough of it there?

Unless the whole story is intended as a tongue-in-cheek piece, I think it'd be better without.