How does one end a relationship such as this?

[Incompleteidea]

I need to break things off with my Sir. It’s a crushing blow but one that’s been a long time coming.

Please forgive me if this isn’t the most appropriate place to post this. I’m very much a newbie to this site. I need guidance or at least somewhere to be honest for a moment.

It’s been an online relationship I’ve had for just under three months now. We’ve never met and never plan on it. I realize some of you my have strong opinions on relationships such as this. Many believe there is no point to a D/s relationship if it can’t be consummated with touch or penetration. I’m not one of those people.

Please understand that at this time in my life online is all I can honestly commit to. And yes I do honestly commit. Though I am not able to be in his presents my body is still his alone. My slutty cunt belongs to HIM. My mind still dwells on what will satisfy and please him. And my soul still sores when I’m in his good graces as well as plummets when I’m not.

I’ve never missed a plan session with him. I’ve never not been around when he’s asked me to be. If he’s online I speak only to him and drop everything else. If I need to re arrange my schedule I’m happy to do it. I’ve sought only to satisfy him in these last few months.

I think at one point every pyt ask themselves why they feel this need. What does this life style fill? Is it discipline, or the thought of being owned? Is it giving ones self over to be nurtured and cared for (this not always pleasant from ones self). If I answer this question honestly for myself, it’s the since of being adored. It’s the power of pleasing someone and the affection I get in return. The trust, the honesty, the affection- it’s all vindication for a job well done on my part. Its all meant to strengthen the bonds between us.

In the last month my Sir has used me once. I’m not being punished- though every day that stretches on I feel more and more like I am. He’s just to busy for me. I understand he has a real life. I understand that comes first. But one of the first things I made clear is that for this to work I needed attention. I needed trust and honesty to grow between us. For his pleasure to mean something to me (past what other men did) I needed to mean something to him. He told me this wasn’t a problem. He told me I was his good little girl. But the longer we go with out talking the more I feel those words changing from something wonderful to a statement made to appease me. I resent it. I work hard for his happiness and yet he throws around terms of endearment like he must shut me up.

Am I being horribly selfish? Is 30 minutes a week to much to ask for when he can never get more than my devotion? He’s told me to expect an email with instruction… I’ve been waiting for 3 weeks. He’s told me to expect a video as a reward for how I behaved. But that’s never come either. Is it to much to ask ones sir to stick to his word? Is it wrong of me to hope he’ll put in half of what I do? He’s been a no show three times. When we do talk its like friends and he tells me how he plans to use his RL sub. I’m left jealous and wanting… and ignored. I realize he has a real life, as I do. But do I mean so little?

I feel selfish writing this. I feel like a disappointing pet. My needs should not go before that of my masters, I know this I believe this. But still- I feel like a party hat he gets to wear when he’s board and forget bout when he’s not. . . It hurts. It hurts so deep and I don’t know what I did wrong. I don’t know how to fix it.

How do you leave a person whose pleasure honestly means more to you than your own? Yet worse how do you do it for selfish reasons?

I’m so confused and hurt. I don’t know what to do let alone how to word it all to him.

I realize I might get shunned for some of the things I’ve said in this post. Some might not even think it’s real. But I don’t have anywhere else to turn. I have no friends in this scene out side of my Sir. So I bring it to you… Strangers. Because at the moment I can only hope you understand. Sad how that goes.

 

[myinnerslut]

ask him to talk. ask him if you can speak freely. then explain how much you care about him, but how you feel, and take it from there.

it is NOT wrong to feel like you do, though it may be comfusing. just becuase you are a sub doesnt mean he can take advantage and thats what it sounds like he is doing. in every relationship, D/s or otherwise, both sides have to give.

 

[twysted73]

Or, better yet, send him the address to this page right here.
It seems you've expressed yourself quite well.

 

[Primalex]

In the last month my Sir has used me once. I’m not being punished- though every day that stretches on I feel more and more like I am. He’s just to busy for me. I understand he has a real life. I understand that comes first. But one of the first things I made clear is that for this to work I needed attention. I needed trust and honesty to grow between us. For his pleasure to mean something to me (past what other men did) I needed to mean something to him. He told me this wasn’t a problem. He told me I was his good little girl. But the longer we go with out talking the more I feel those words changing from something wonderful to a statement made to appease me. I resent it. I work hard for his happiness and yet he throws around terms of endearment like he must shut me up.

Am I being horribly selfish? Is 30 minutes a week to much to ask for when he can never get more than my devotion?

30 minutes a week?

And I thought I should give a big warning in my personals posting that I'm poly and need to share time because I couldn't invest more than maybe an hour per work day and a few hours during the weekend in the new sub...

But do I mean so little?

To him? Yes. Accept it. You are just the online replacement.

I understand time frames where you might be able to spend less time with your online partners - christmas f.e. being a prime example. It just won't work to put a laptop on the couch table and explain grandparents or children the in/outs of online BDSM relationships - although, thinking about it, I like the idea. Anyway, if there is a time where you have to neglect your play partners on purpose, you need to tell them upfront, not afterwards _and_ stick to dates that are set. Being a sub doesn't mean being emotionless, it's rather the opposite way.

How do you leave a person whose pleasure honestly means more to you than your own? Yet worse how do you do it for selfish reasons?

Unfortunately I have no answer, hopefully someone else knows a good way. But I guess it's very much like in traditional relationships, just it might hurt more.

There is the chance he really doesn't understand what is going on. Dominance has its dark side that can corrupt you. Every kind of power has this. And being dominant doesn't mean being infallible. But how you handle these things, this is the line that decides if you are a dominant person or a power hungry jerk. Maybe he didn't have the guts to tell you to go away. But you have no other choice than to get him to make a decision - or to make the decision yourself, otherwise it will corrupt you!

 

[catalina_francisco]

I'm not going to address all the points I could, but if you really want to know how to break it off IMHO best you can do is send him an email telling him you are no longer interested. This is in your words an online relationship which began and remains one to never carry over into RL, so though emotions can easily get involved or transferred, especially if one or both are using it as an escape from their reality, they often recover just as quickly. If you have only been conecting online for 3 months, I would think your referral to this being a long time coming would have to mean you have been unfappy for most of that time...why wait this long based on a very short period of satisfaction?

If this were a RL relationship I might advise talking more, asking directly if the other person wishes to continue the relationship, but my thinking is as it was only intended to be online and his attention span has dropped to 30 minutes a week, it is no longer a relationship as far as he is concerned, or at least not on the scale you seem to want. It does not need to be dramatic, nor do you have to sit by patiently waiting until he gets bored with whatever else is occupying his time. Believe me, I have been in online and LD relationships (and married the person I was in both with), so I am not talking through my hat as someone who puts no store in the reality of online, just being realistic in that not all people view online as seriously as you may wish, nor are all people wiling to make a significant commitment to someone online, especially if they have never met them...it isn't always meant to hurt, it just doesn't gel for them beyond some light relief in an otherwise boring and/or troubled RL. Send an email and move on.

Catalina

 

[Netzach]

He plays IRL. You don't.

You are ascribing more seriousness to it, understandably. For him it's a pleasant diversion and for you it IS your only D/s outlet. The deck is mis-stacked from the beginning.

How do you break up in this case?

"I need more involvement from an online partner, sorry."

 

[Dosxx82256]

He's lost interest, move on. Sometimes it's best to let it just fade away. If he isn't showing you effort then why show him the effort. Start looking for someone new, that's what you should be focusing on right now in my opinion.

 

[WriterDom]

Just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

 

[ReadyOne]

Darn! You beat me to it.

I was just looking up the lyrics to post them myself...

 

[Primalex]

Just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aKcY_DNF8aY

 

[postulant]

I have no words of advice since I have no experience in any sort of BDSM relationship, online or otherwise, but I wanted to say that I'm sorry that you're not being treated fairly and that you're hurt. You deserve better.

p.

 

[ecstaticsub]

The end of a on-line relationship can hurt as much if not more than a relationship where you have actually touched the person. I don't like calling the opposite of on-line "real life" because on-line is real life. (no, I am not saying it is the same as a relationship where you are seeing someone and able to touch them..I know there are huge differences) BUT, emotionally you can become just as attached. Breaking up and having that person disappear into cyberspace can be very painful, with or without some kind of closure. So I understand your pain.

Just because you are a submissive doesn't mean that your needs don't count, they do. The problem with relationships, especially where we don't see the person is that it is easy for fantasy to fill in the blanks and make it seem better than it really is. Looking from the outside, this sounds like what may have happened to you.

You have every right to tell him it's not working out and that you are moving on. Then grieve a bit, pick yourself up and get back out there to find someone who will value you.

 

[Noor]

It sounds like you like him a lot. He may really be busy and not realize the time that is passing, I have noticed lawyers can be like that as can married men. Did you let him know you haven't gotten the email or the video?

Rather than say I need more than 30 mins a week, I would tell him what you need in concrete detail. If you need to hear from him daily, be honest and say so. It takes a few mins to send an email, or a voice mail.

I would tell him you really need XXX in an online relationship and lately you haven't been getting that. Does he think he will be able provide it in future? if he says yes, tell him okay, lets try it for a month and then revisit it. Ask him what he needs from you to help make this happen. That way he knows its not him, its the frequency of interactions, he knows you are not getting what you need, and he basically has a month to get it worked out. That way you both know what the future will be.

 

[FurryFury]

There is no easy way to end a relationship. It hurts every time.

*hug*

You've gotten a lot of good advice on here already. I can't really say it better than it's already been said.

 

[Incompleteidea]

Supposable he’s lost internet till Sat. (But I’ve never heard of a cable company that makes house calls on the weekend) I think I’ll wait to see if he actually catches up with me this weekend like promised. If he does I’ll talk to him about what I need. And how though I understand his life is busy I need to be more than a way to pass time. If I don’t hear from him by Monday he’ll get a short email. I hate having things end like this.

I’ve been asked why wait this long… because I don’t trust people easily, but I trusted him. (In hindsight I see my error) The benefits from the relation- though short lived- was something I haven’t felt in a long time. If your next question is “is it him you’ll miss or the outlet?”… I don’t know.

Thank you all for your support and advice. Each of you was very insightful and right on most things. Now I just have to pull the trigger.

I think I’ll be taking some time off before looking again. Even if this feeling is fleeting it still hurts like hell. I’ll go back to living vicariously through stories of others (and memories of my past). Not nearly as fulfilling but also much safer. Maybe I’ll look for ways to find these benefits in every day life. I should be concentrating on other things perhaps… I’ve started to babble forgive me.


Thank you again.

Oh and WriterDom thank you very much for making me laugh.

 

[madetotakeit]

Online communication is complicated even if you know the person in real life. There is the joy of logging on to find a message or email that lets you know that person thought of you. With no interaction it can be hard not to project insecurities. Without the benefit of being able to apply personal knowledge I just can't imagine the aggravation. Only experiencing BDSM just wouldn't cut it for me. I need to feel it.

 

[FurryFury]

Not everyone feels they have the option to "feel" it in RL.

 

[madetotakeit]

Not everyone feels they have the option to "feel" it in RL.

I understand that. It is for others, but it is not for me. That is not the dynamic I come from. It just seems to me that OL adds additional issues and complications. It would make those periods with no contact harder to deal with. Easier to misinterpret. OL gives the safety of distance, but it can also add the wrong kind of distance. It is a balancing act. I'm not one of the coordinated ones.

 

[snowy ciara]

I'm sorry you're hurting, but it sounds like it's best to move on. You may want to give him a chance to make it better, but if it doesn't work out, may I suggest cutting off all contact for a few months?

I never did online bdsm, but I did make a close Dominant friend on another site. He was very kind to me when I needed it, and at one point, it looked like we were pulling together. It didn't work out for us (no particular reason, it just didn't fly. It happens, y'know.) So after I said "thank you, but this doesn't seem to be working for either of us." I eventually had to block him on my emails, and stay away from the site where we met and where we both participated. It was because even though we didn't have a relationship, I was drawn to him. I looked for him everywhere, and when I saw him, my heart pulled to him. Things with my current Mistress was looking up, I was terribly torn and conflicted. He was confusing me, even though he didn't do it intentionally and he felt he was being supportive when he checked in with me. Finally I told him that I needed a break and I'd be disappearing for a while. I was able to get on with my life a little easier then. In the past few months, we've connected again, and we're friends of a sort. But I needed a clean, decisive break for a while.

It can be very hard for a submissive to sometimes say that "I need to do what's best for me now" but sometimes you have to do that. You can't serve your Dominant well if you're not comfortable or happy with what's going on.

Supposable he’s lost internet till Sat. (But I’ve never heard of a cable company that makes house calls on the weekend) I think I’ll wait to see if he actually catches up with me this weekend like promised. If he does I’ll talk to him about what I need. And how though I understand his life is busy I need to be more than a way to pass time. If I don’t hear from him by Monday he’ll get a short email. I hate having things end like this.

Actually, Cox cable in the area of the US where I used to live would do calls on Saturday, but they'd never schedule them in the afternoon. Usually because they'd end up being so far behind that they'd never get them done on time! And my cable here does service calls on the weekend, too. So maybe he's not goofing around.

Take care! I know this is hard for you. I hope it works out for the best.

 

[FurryFury]

I understand that. It is for others, but it is not for me. That is not the dynamic I come from. It just seems to me that OL adds additional issues and complications. It would make those periods with no contact harder to deal with. Easier to misinterpret. OL gives the safety of distance, but it can also add the wrong kind of distance. It is a balancing act. I'm not one of the coordinated ones.

I agree with and resemble the bold parts of your post!

*L*

 

[Xantu]

Supportive Energy

To be able to commit and give trust on that complete level to to someone in an online relationship takes a special quality.

Heart break is the one pain I would not wish for anyone.

My thoughts are with you. Find some happiness. You deserve it.

Xantu

 

[Fuckette]

To be able to commit and give trust on that complete level to to someone in an online relationship takes a special quality.

Heart break is the one pain I would not wish for anyone.

My thoughts are with you. Find some happiness. You deserve it.

Xantu

This is a nice post.

 

[DarkhairedLady]

i wish you safety and good fortune in your journey. this is not an easy way of being. but do not give up hope

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Hi IncompleteIdea.

You do not say what your personal circumstances are or why you have chosen OL rather then RL BDSM. That's your prerogative but it makes it difficult from the outside to see what you sought and what you thought you were getting from this unreliable OL Dom.

In all aspects of life, what we expect from people in positions of trust with us; family, friends, lovers, OL Doms etc, are fairly simple. There should be honesty, trust and respect. Without those fundamentals no relationship of any depth can survive for long.

It seems this man has led you to expect more than you have received. On a quid-pro-quo level this is an abuse of trust. He has missed multiple OL 'dates' and failed to send items that he said he would and even then they were meant to make up for his negligence of you. Given this consistent string of let downs (albeit little ones) how can you truly trust him on anything? How can you respect him as your OL Dom?

Answer is, you can't. That is not your fault. Had he been honest about the very limited time he could spend with you, you would have had less justification to bitch. As it is, he has made commitments and promises, albeit little ones, and consistently failed. Is this what you sought when you gave yourself to him as his OL sub? I doubt it. In which case a basic verbal contract has been broken, more than once.

You can give him extra time but given how rapidly his attentions have tailed off in the last few months (except to boast about his RL sub, how gracious and tactful) I would be surprised if he suddenly started devoting his time to you. It is possible he has multiple OL subs. Many things are possible, none of which he has chosen to share with or explain to you.

My gut reaction to your post is to advise you to cut this man off before you invest any more of your time, loyalty and heart. Loyalty goes both ways and while I'm sure he finds yours admirable, what incentive does he have to be more attentive if you appear content with things as they are?

You sought this man for a reason. For your own needs. It's why all of us subs get involved in BDSM. Ultimately, it's for ourselves. Your needs are no less valid than his. I devote myself to Master because he loves me dearly and wants to fulfil my needs - whether that be a nasty flogging or a great big cuddle. This man clearly sees your needs as unimportant and that makes me angry on your behalf.

Cut your ties and look more carefully for an OL Dom. Find someone who will agree to a routine of 2 IM dates per week and an email each day or whatever it is you're looking for. Be honest and forthright about your needs and you will find a guy who wants to complement him for his own needs. That's how BDSM works online. it's an exchange of kinks and commitments and time. The balance has to be there or somebody will always feel that they have the short straw.

You are not being selfish. You are being reasonable. I hope you work this out as you sound very unhappy.

 

[Incompleteidea]

I thought I’d update on what’s going on. Thank you to all the continued support. You’ve all been very kind.

I tried so hard today to break things off today. I wrote the email out and was about to hit send when he said hi. Told me he only had 6 minutes but he wanted to thank me for understanding. Said his life has been crazy and “when his life is this out of control he finds it hard to take control of others” He fallowed with a long list of things he had to do and reasons he hasn’t been around. (For once his other sub wasn’t on the list).

This doesn’t make me change my mind about ending my service- just killed my actual attempt at doing it.