how does a new wife compete with ex wife?

[poetrylady4u]

I have a problem. I have been married for a month and my hubby's ex is trying to win him back. She sends him emails and signs them with love you forever and the normal 8th grade xxxooo. She has the mentality of an 8th grader but has something I can never give him..his children. I'm at a loss..he says he chose me and he doesn't want her anymore. But, it sits in the back of my mind!

He told me before we married that he was thinkin bout going back to her so I said "she can have you" and started leaving. He ran chasing me in the rain, got down on his knees on wet, cold cement begging me not to go. He told me that it took him no time at all to realize that his life was nothing without me. But, she keeps doing this...sending emails pledging her love.

Any suggestions?

 

[Earthmuffin]

Scan a copy of the divorce degree and highlight his signature, send it from his e-mail addy?

 

[KillerMuffin]

You don't compete with her. You don't have to because he is your husband, not hers. At some point you are going to have to trust him. It's hard because they will always have their children in common, that's a bond that can never be broken. He is ultimately the one who is going to have to tell her to stop it, it's not likely that she'll ever listen to you. Then there are the children to consider. If she's an 8th grader in maturity, then she'll no doubt use them against you and him.

Talk to him, at the least, let him know you love him and trust him. Let him know how you feel about her intrusion into your life. Open communication always works the best. It may not end well, but something eventually has to give. If you can, a mediator such as a counselor or impartial friend is probably a good idea.

 

[Guest]

Wish I could help. It sounds like Ms. Muffin had a good idea with what she posted. I was "lucky" enough that MY ex hated his ex wife.

 

[brazenblaze]

I agree with Ms Muffin. Don't sink to the childish games. He chose you, trust in that and believe in your self. If you let the doubts and fears get in the way already, you have a long road a head of you. My husbands ex is a wacko, so each time she got crazy, I just got a little saner, keep why he left in his mind.

Have Faith!

 

[Closet Desire]

Muff's spot on this one...

The only way to "win" this game is not to play. When you react to either him or her you're giving them power over you. They may not realise they are manipulating you, may not intend to, but they are. In the end you'll get stressed, irritable, pissed off, and the damage will accumulate. Don't let it become a wedge between you and hubby, because that's exactly what she wants. Good luck with this one...been there...done that...never goes away.

 

[Slut_boy]

Hey lil' poet. What do you mean "how do I compete...."? Its not a competition. And even if it was a competition, you are married to him (as Muffin said) and so that makes you the winner - doesn't it?

 

[Ambrosious]

Sorry for the reality check, but you married a man with an ex-wife and KIDS! There will be some interaction. You knew you were getting into when you married him, or should have. If this is too much to handle, you should have married a single guy with NO kids.

 

[Sammyjo]

In a way, I agree with Ambrosious...my sister met a man off the internet in 1998. He was in the Army, stationed in Alaska, and being discharged in November. He came here for Thanksgiving, and immediately, they pledged their love to one another...she ended up leaving that Saturday with him to move to Utah.

I don't even know if SHE knew he was married with 3 children, but we didn't find out about it until about 2 weeks later. One of her friends called me, and started telling me all these little details.

I started getting worried, but she hadn't given us her number where she was, so we couldn't get in touch with her.

Eventually, she called here, and I tried to discuss this with her. She claimed to know all this stuff before she left, which confuses me, because the sister I know would NEVER put up with being second in someone's life.

Anyway, that isn't really the point...

The divorce just went through in February 2000. My sister endured 1 1/2 years of this woman constantly calling...middle of the night...collect, if she was long distance. The woman has the mentality of an 8th grader as well. She just yanked her child out of school to move him across the state so she could "rescue" her sister. She is a drug/alcohol abuser, she's been in an institution for trying to kill herself and others. There are so many more things I could say, but I won't...it's too disgusting to even go into. I mean, she got pissed at ME because I sent my sister's step-children Christmas gifts...you would think she'd be happy that they were an accepted part of the family...nope, she was jealous. Good Lord.

Needless to say, when you marry a man with an ex-wife and kids, you are almost always headed for problems. She will always be there. She will forever be a shadow looming in your home. It saddens me that my sister has to put up with this conniving bitch...she sounds the same as the one you are talking about...but then again, I think about it, and I say to myself "She knew what she was getting into. She knew that this woman was going to be ever-present in their lives. And she chose to deal with it."

Doesn't make it any easier...but you are NOT alone. I am sure a lot of people can relate to this situation.

One thing I'm grateful for and that is this...any man I end up with, has no competition. My daughter's father would probably sign away his rights to her in 2 seconds flat...it would only take "no more child support" and he'd be on that paper like flies on shit. No competition...line forms to the left.

 

[Closet Desire]

Baggage at forty...

Falling in love again after one has been married and had children is a fact of life. It happened to me and my wife. Yes, children and ex's are some of the baggage that we accumulate through life. That doesn't mean one is doomed to trouble or failure. It means that you must be mature enough to realise and deal with the additional responsibilities.

I get on fine with my ex and our communication is amicable and generally involves our joint concerns for our son who is now nearly grown. For my new wife it was more troublesome as her ex (somehow the ex-husbands don't get mentioned) was antagonistic, aggressive, and abusive. Instead of us attacking one another we identified where and who the problem belonged to...him...and we acted accordingly. Over the years he has accepted that his behaviour will not affect our relationship or the way we care for the children.

Love at forty isn't like virginal love at sixteen, but even when you fall in love late in life who wants to miss out on even a few years of bliss?

 

[Sparky Kronkite]

Hi, I am the male, the husband and father.....

In a very similar situation. Except my X was not seemingly so blatant in any attempts for reconciliation. No, no reconciliation - just pure hatred. All directed and me and my new wife.

These situations are never easy - never. They take time to heal and change. Patience is necessary.

I can only hope that the welfare of the children is first and foremost on "all the adults" minds.

Yes, this, the importance of "their children" is tough on you in particular. I suggest that you should probably get over it. You must at the very least "try" with his children. Not to me their mother - that will never work. Just be an adult friend to them. My wife thinks the role is similar to a much older sister. That has worked very well.

As for the X - you never know - mine only came around - after nearly 10 years - and only after we birthed a new child - our own child. A boy, half brother to my two sons with the X.

You are in a tough position - but - you should have realized what you were getting into before you took the plunge. If you didn't - you didn't think it through enough.

Sorry this information may seem harsh - but it is in fact very real. This is the reality of your situation. You see, it's not "your life" anymore. And it's not "you and your husband's life" anymore......

It's you, him, her, all the in-laws and most importantly the kids lives - you are all in it together and compromises must be made and they must be made in favor of the children.

Married men, married men worth a damn (read no deadbeats) carry baggage, and lots of it.

You must deal with that baggage as if it were your own.

 

[FlamingoBlue]

You can listen to KM, OR....

You can go on the Jerry Springer show.
JERRRY! JERRY! JERRY!

Seriously, what are you competing for? Your husband has to make a choice and do something about his ex, not you. If he won't then you have to make a choice. It is really so very simple. The ex is not a problem. The stability, or lack of it, in your marriage is the problem.

And you married this guy because...???

blue

 

[pistol pete]

wow...be strong...things will work-out...
one way or another...be strong.

 

[poetrylady4u]

Thanks all..hubby and I talked in depth about this today. He says what she sends and does does not faze him..im the one wearing the ring and in his life.

As for the kids..I do realize they are most important..I have two of my own from my first marriage. And his kids and I get along great!

His ex is going to keep playing these mind games..she basically wants something she knows she cant have. she isnt use to not getting what she wants. But, I guess she will have to.

I married him because I love him and he is my true soul mate. As long as we face it together, keep communication open and trust is strong it will work out!

 

[JHolley67]

Okay, now I'm pissed.

Hey, Sammyjo. I don't know the situation with your ex, but speaking from a man's point of view (I'm allowed to do that, I'm a man), you might be surprised what your ex is capable of.

I have a six year old daughter in Ohio. I haven't seen her face to face since she was three. And her mother has made every attempt to keep me from seeing her. But I still pay my child support, and I pay it gladly.

Wanna know what she would hear if she told me "no more child support?"

Probably something like this. "Hell no, bitch! You think I want you telling OUR daughter that her old man is some kind of fucking loser? The minute I say yes, you'll start telling her I copped out, took the easy road. Not that I have any say in how she's raised, what she does. It's bad enough that your mother is there, telling her behind your back what a worthless piece of shit I am. Oh, don't try to deny it. You got just what you wanted from me, now you can go on playing the victim. But you aren't getting any easy out from me. That little girl is going to know who her father is, even if it's only from the pictures in her birthday cards."

Well, I don't know about you, but I feel better.

Jason

 

[Sammyjo]

JHolley...it took 3 years in court for him to finally concede that he was her father...3 blood tests, numerous accusations that he was NOT her father...he went through 3 lawyers in that time, none of them could understand why 99.9999% wasn't good enough for him. They take the support out of his check because he wasn't paying it. He also "covers" her medical. Although, last time I took her in, I had to pay the whole bill, doctor visit, prescription, the whole nine yards...he failed to inform his new job that he had a dependent to cover. She was NOT covered for 6 months. HE DOES NOT GIVE A DAMN!!!

If he did, I would be more than happy to accept him as part of her life.

He would throw a drunken bash if I told him he had no ties to her. That would make his day. One less problem to deal with.

Oh, and I don't ever talk bad about him around her. I wouldn't do that. I want her to know her father...the man he CAN be, not that slovenly, unkempt piece of trash he is. I tell her everything I know about him. I tell her about the good times. But I think we can all agree that a 6 year old has common sense enough to figure out that when someone doesn't come around, that means they don't care. Hell, his parents live 2 miles away from us. He has yet to inform me of where he lives, or to give me a number where he can be reached. She knows that. That is why neither of us trust him. Maybe if he called and actually asked about HER, or asked to talk to HER...but we haven't heard word one from him in over a year...and that was the only word I heard from him since I was 4 months pregnant (aside from the court hearings, when we weren't allowed to speak to each other).

You see, there are so many differences. You seem to want to be in your child's life...he doesn't. That's the jist of it. I didn't perpetuate the problem, he did. And his lack of communication shows that he is still not ready to accept her in his life. She is his dirty little secret. When he is about 40, and wondering all about her...I won't feel sorry for him at all if she turns him down flat. I'll cheer her on, because she deserves only the best...and a nonexistent father is NOT what is best for my child.

I think I've covered everything...if not, you can read more on "We will fight if you mess with my kid" by Luscious Lioness...or contact me directly...I would be happy to discuss this further with you, if you would like.

I respect and admire any man who sticks by their kids. It's the ones that feel it is within their right to abandon them that get to me.

 

[teresafannin]

YOu both make good points. JHolley, I think it is great that you want to be a part of your child's life, you are the exception to the rule I am afraid. My son's "birth father" hadn't seen Justin since he was 4 & never paid a dime of child support. I never asked for a thing from him, just that he visit occasionally. When Justin was murdered last year at 17, this man never called & has still never called me. He didn't care a bit about Justin & if he showed up today, I would have him arrested for trespassing. I admire men who fight for the right to see their children & pay their support, but please don't group all fathers together, there are too many out there who don't care. The same goes for mothers. I never talked badly about Justin's birth father & if he had made any attempt to contact Justin, we would have worked something out. I am curious as to why you aren't allowed to see your daughter if you are paying support, JHolley. I don't know about laws in the midwest, but here in Texas, as long as support is being paid & there are no other issues, the non-custodial parent is allowed visitation, holiday visits & things like that.

 

[Skibum]

Sammyjo and teresafannin,

I have to believe that the guys who tried to cop out of their obligations to their children are the exception to the rule, rather than as common as you think. My kids are very important to me. Important enough that I have stayed in a marriage long past the time I should have gotten out to be wityh them. I think most fathers want to be a part of their childrens lives. It is too bad that you both wound up with immature assholes who are only interested in themselves. But, please, don't tar all fathers with the same brush.

 

[Sammyjo]

Ummm...never once did I say that all fathers don't want anything to do with their children. I was speaking from my experience. I know quite a few women on this board who have had similar experiences with their ummm..."sperm donor"...

I am very happy that I have my father in my life. My parents have been married for almost 30 years. Quite obviously, I know that there are fathers who care for their children.

Now, let's not piss Sammy off by putting word into her mouth...that would not be good.

 

[Cyan BloodsBane]

I have only had one wife.... I would never live long enough to have to if I dumped the one I got...

She would first staple my nuts to the ceiling.... And that in its self does not sound pleasent...

 

[teresafannin]

I would be the last to lump all fathers together & I never said that. I know there are great fathers out there. However, most of the single parents that I know are women who are raising their kids with little to no support or help from the fathers. Most statistics on single parenting will, unfortunately, prove me to be right. I admire the men who put their children first, I just don't see it happening too often. I have been out there long enough to know that guys like Skibum are the exception to the rule. Slowly, but surely, it is changing, but not nearly fast enough.