How do you know?

[SheDevilShay]

So if you have both submissive and dom tedencies, how do you know which would be better for you as a life style between you and your husband.. how do you work out issue's.. like the things he'd be required to do regardless if he was teh master or submissive?

(i.e. he STILL has to do the bloody dishes...and cannot order me to do or neglect them to get a punishment... etc)

How do you come up with the rules and check lists of do's and don's for this life style to apply it full time?

How do you come up with a feasible plan for doing things when you have kids as well so it doesn't disrupt them and they don't "see" it... this is strictly between me and my husband and I don't want my kids to be a party to this life style.. Its a choice and not one I want them to see at the age of 3...

How do you work it out so its daily while being a wife, mother, and still an individual..

 

[northwoods_sub]

Wow, a lot of indepth questions here, I will do my best to try and help you with what we do. My Husband and I have been together for 7 years and we just began BDSM in our relationship. We have 4 sons, 2 of which are here full time and 2 who are here only during the summer.

I am the submissive in our relationship, however he still does the dishes. Not my job, everything else is my job. lol We have been slowly moving our relationship from strictly sexual to 24/7 but I have one rule. The kids are to see nothing! If he feels the need to discipline me or have me serve him and the kids are awake we go into our bedroom and lock the door. The sound still carries but it is better than the boys seeing mommy bent over and spanked with the belt for not following directions that day. Otherwise, we will wait he will say something along the lines of when the kids go to bed, etc. and then we will take care of what needs to be taken care of.

We just purchased our first collar today, but it will be something that is kept for scenes or when we are alone. I am to be on my knees at all times when we are alone until ordered otherwise, but for the most part the kids are oblivious.

The only thing that our 12 year old has said is that we seem much happier lately. lol

As for checklists and chores, we have made them up as we have gone along. I have picked up a few things from here at lit that we have incorporated into our relationship, but otherwise we just wing it. There is no right or wrong way to do this. Just do what feels comfortable for you and your partner.

Maintaining individuality, well for me being mom comes first, if He can't deal with that well too damn bad. When I am at school or work I am still the confident, independant, intellegent woman I always was I just have bruises on my ass all the time now. lol When we first started I was really worried about losing myself too and instead I have found that I found myself. I have more confidence now. Its like all the pieces are in place finally.

Sorry this was such a long post, I hope it has helped answer some of your questions, the key is though to remember this is YOUR relationship, not anyone elses, what works for Sir and I may not work for you. But it can be done with children and independance. Good luck!!

 

[SheDevilShay]

Wow, a lot of indepth questions here, I will do my best to try and help you with what we do. My Husband and I have been together for 7 years and we just began BDSM in our relationship. We have 4 sons, 2 of which are here full time and 2 who are here only during the summer.

I am the submissive in our relationship, however he still does the dishes. Not my job, everything else is my job. lol We have been slowly moving our relationship from strictly sexual to 24/7 but I have one rule. The kids are to see nothing! If he feels the need to discipline me or have me serve him and the kids are awake we go into our bedroom and lock the door. The sound still carries but it is better than the boys seeing mommy bent over and spanked with the belt for not following directions that day. Otherwise, we will wait he will say something along the lines of when the kids go to bed, etc. and then we will take care of what needs to be taken care of.

We just purchased our first collar today, but it will be something that is kept for scenes or when we are alone. I am to be on my knees at all times when we are alone until ordered otherwise, but for the most part the kids are oblivious.

The only thing that our 12 year old has said is that we seem much happier lately. lol

As for checklists and chores, we have made them up as we have gone along. I have picked up a few things from here at lit that we have incorporated into our relationship, but otherwise we just wing it. There is no right or wrong way to do this. Just do what feels comfortable for you and your partner.

Maintaining individuality, well for me being mom comes first, if He can't deal with that well too damn bad. When I am at school or work I am still the confident, independant, intellegent woman I always was I just have bruises on my ass all the time now. lol When we first started I was really worried about losing myself too and instead I have found that I found myself. I have more confidence now. Its like all the pieces are in place finally.

Sorry this was such a long post, I hope it has helped answer some of your questions, the key is though to remember this is YOUR relationship, not anyone elses, what works for Sir and I may not work for you. But it can be done with children and independance. Good luck!!

I have both dom and submissive personality traits and I don't know which is better for me, and I don't know which is better for my husband.. he tends to be more submissive outside of the bedroom while being very demanding inside.. I love to inflict pain and punishment, but I also enjoy recieving it... so its hard for me to figure it out and its causing alot of conflict in myself, which reflects in our daily life while I struggle to figure this out.. in the bedroom only is not enough of a "role" for me.. its not a game to me...

 

[Netzach]

I'm so glad my sub is my *primary*

Uh, I hate to be a wet blanket, but the sound of my mom and dad doing a scene was not any less confusing and creepy to me at 8 than seeing it. I *still* remember having the blanket up over my head. He used to beg her to "punish" him once in a blue moon 'cause he was usually the sexually bossy one and it must have appealed to the Catholic guilt. She told me about it years after he died and I knew that's what I heard that night.

Very very confusing. Obviously I survived, but I've known couples in the scene I didn't think were giving the kids enough credit. Something to think about. FWIW I'm a New Yorker, home was an apartment and not a huge one, with the bedrooms at the back and adjacent.

 

[Homburg]

We work on it daily. My wife is my submissive, and it is actually harder on her than on me. She has natural tendencies towards wanting to call me "Sir" and has a tough time suppressing those. When she is out of D/s situations, she has to. It's just that simple. That means I am "Sir" in private, or out of earshot, but "honey" or whatever when others can hear.

That said, it is a 24/7 dynamic, just a subtle one.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

My Master and I are about to move in together and then I'll be a 24/7 slave to him. That still means that he does the dishes, he just decides when.

Dominants are not stupid and they know that if they abuse their position of power consistently a sensible submissive will call them on it and threaten to withdraw consent for the dynamic. Master accepts that he has a responsibility to me now that is different; to make sure that my views are heard and that decisions that he makes are for the benefit of both of us. I accept that I have chosen my role willingly and support his decisions wholeheartedly, even if I don't agree with them 100%.

We don't have any kids so I can't really comment on that issue, except to say that a couple of friends of mine who do have young children have worked around it. If he wants to chastise her when they are around he'll gag her and do something that doesn't make much noise rather than get a flogger out. The kids have been trained to knock on their door and not enter unless invited and at that age they accept those rules without wondering why.

 

[SheDevilShay]

My Master and I are about to move in together and then I'll be a 24/7 slave to him. That still means that he does the dishes, he just decides when.

Dominants are not stupid and they know that if they abuse their position of power consistently a sensible submissive will call them on it and threaten to withdraw consent for the dynamic. Master accepts that he has a responsibility to me now that is different; to make sure that my views are heard and that decisions that he makes are for the benefit of both of us. I accept that I have chosen my role willingly and support his decisions wholeheartedly, even if I don't agree with them 100%.

We don't have any kids so I can't really comment on that issue, except to say that a couple of friends of mine who do have young children have worked around it. If he wants to chastise her when they are around he'll gag her and do something that doesn't make much noise rather than get a flogger out. The kids have been trained to knock on their door and not enter unless invited and at that age they accept those rules without wondering why.

MY husband thinks I am more of a submissive, he's on here as Twingee....

I am an exhabitionist, and enjoy the attention, provided its just looking not touching, and I respect my husbands wishes on erotic chats being a no no with other people and wouldn't want it any other way, I have many many submissive traits, though feel that i am not a good submissive yet... my husband says I am a bad dom, yet order him around alot...

I defer to him on all important matters in life and trust him to make those decisions, and prefer for him to do so, yet its the little stuff.. like bed time issue's that are big for me... I fight with him on it, just to fight with him on it (his words not mine.. mainly I just don't feel like listening...)

I enjoy pain .. both recieving and punishment, and have trouble submiting willingly to his wants.. not that I don't care.. I do, I just have trouble "giving in" if that makes sense...

I feel really confused on this whole issue, and I think if I could figure myself out, I'd be alot happier, especially in the daily lifestyle, with each other, because I think I need "something" daily. every day thats consistant, outside of just role play in the bedroom.. I think I need the life style, the more I learn about it, the more I yearn for it.... which confuses me

 

[SheDevilShay]

The pain/pleasure aspect of it is different then the submissive/dom roles and I guess basically I am trying to figure out where he and I fight... IT would be nice to discuss this, and have him participate, I am going to link this thread to him so he can give his feed back on what he thinks. I think the more I discuss it and figure it out, and get feedback thats not just from him, I will be able to understand it better, since I seem to mainly be fighting myself when it comes to my emotions with him, and outside perspective from someone living this life successfully already will help us both learn and understand it better.. (at leastthats my opinion.)

 

[BiBunny]

If you don't deeply crave either role above the other, I don't see why you have to delve deeply into D/s or M/s. B. and I are both switches. He's more dominant, and I'm more submissive, but I find myself becoming more and more dominant every day, while he's not really becoming more submissive. We're friends and lovers first and foremost. After that, we're people who really like S&M play on both sides. The dominant/submissive roles come in a distant third to both of those things, and we often overlook them completely. It's not for everybody, but it works a hell of a lot better for us than anything else would.

 

[Netzach]

I can't really speak to fixing that issue, because my husband is like that. He'll fight me on small stupid stuff all the time - it's his first impulse, rather than being rational - it's a knee jerk need to *say* no - but he winds up doing "yes."

I'm kind of weird, because with him, I'll put up with less than ideal behavior. I pay more attention to WHAT he does than how or what he says about it. And he bends over backwards to make me happy, serve my whims, do what I say. He just has this very strong gut "no" reaction. I do a lot better just accepting it and paying more attention to the outcome than needing to beat it out of him.

Does it bother your Dominant a lot?
Does it bother you more if it doesn't?

Are there areas that he thinks are really important where you disobey, or do you think maybe he thinks the "small stuff" is "small stuff?"

 

[SheDevilShay]

I can't really speak to fixing that issue, because my husband is like that. He'll fight me on small stupid stuff all the time - it's his first impulse, rather than being rational - it's a knee jerk need to *say* no - but he winds up doing "yes."

I'm kind of weird, because with him, I'll put up with less than ideal behavior. I pay more attention to WHAT he does than how or what he says about it. And he bends over backwards to make me happy, serve my whims, do what I say. He just has this very strong gut "no" reaction. I do a lot better just accepting it and paying more attention to the outcome than needing to beat it out of him.

Does it bother your Dominant a lot?
Does it bother you more if it doesn't?

Are there areas that he thinks are really important where you disobey, or do you think maybe he thinks the "small stuff" is "small stuff?"

I have a very storng No gut reaction and don't know why.

 

[Netzach]

I have a very storng No gut reaction and don't know why.

I've tried to figure out what it's about with my husband too. We just accept that he has a control freak personality - he's a project manager, he's got slight OCD, he's very systematic. He wants to submit. He likes making me happy. He does things that do, he just may never be totally comfortable with just doing them without reminding himself that he can say whatever he wants and decide whatever he wants, but ultimately is deciding to decide what I want.

 

[sister76]

Basically, I think just trying different things slowly would be the best way to go if you're not sure. No one is. Nothing is set in stone and you can change your relationship together at any time according to whatever you decide.

Also, no one's definition of Dom, sub, switch, or anything else is the same. It's all very personal and tailored to your own relationship, so you are writing your own rule book as you go along. That's the beauty of life - you choose your own destiny.

 

[sexycaz22]

A little hijack;

When we first started I was really worried about losing myself too and instead I have found that I found myself. I have more confidence now. Its like all the pieces are in place finally.

I do understand how you feel, northwoods_sub. When I was first spanked by my play partner last Friday, just before he spanked me, I was very worried that I might have made the wrong choice, in letting him spank me, but once his hand hit my bum, I knew at once that I have found myself. Soon after, I felt so happy and a bit more confident. In fact, my closest friend has said that she noticed that I am more happier than before!

End of hijack.

To SheDevilShay; sorry I could not help with your situation as I am not in a D/s relationship and I am fairly new to the BDSM lifestyle, and is learning along the way of exploring and experiencing.

I wish you the best of luck for you and your husband.

 

[SheDevilShay]

Thank you, right now we have decided I am playing the sub role permantly (for now) 100% of the time and are trying to work out the kinks and the little stuff to transition it esaier for full time... right now we are working on establishing rules/roles and expectations.. and its not as easy as I thought it would be... but its very exciting.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Damn woman, how many threads are you gonna start this week?

You've decided you're playing sub 100% but you're crap at submitting and basically want to tell him exactly what to do to you, while you fight him on it, to get your kicks?

If you're a submissive hon you need a brand new dictionary in your house.

I've had enough now. My bullshit-o-meter's hit 10.0

 

[Homburg]

Thank you, right now we have decided I am playing the sub role permantly (for now) 100% of the time and are trying to work out the kinks and the little stuff to transition it esaier for full time... right now we are working on establishing rules/roles and expectations.. and its not as easy as I thought it would be... but its very exciting.

Hmm, maybe you might do well to look into a top/bottom dynamic instead of a D/s one. Just a suggestion...