How do you KNOW if your marriage is WORTH saving?
- Thread starter *bratcat*
- Start date
Blackbich
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 13, 2001
- Posts
- 2,564
I can tell you when it's not worth saving. When your man is abusing you and/or the kids, it's time to go. I would include verbal abuse with that. That can be worse than physical abuse.
Also, when your kids are BEGGING you to get out of your marriage because of the way you're being treated, that's a good sign it's time to give up the ghost.
[Edited by Blackbich on 04-08-2001 at 10:15 AM]
Also, when your kids are BEGGING you to get out of your marriage because of the way you're being treated, that's a good sign it's time to give up the ghost.
[Edited by Blackbich on 04-08-2001 at 10:15 AM]
Exempting physical and psycological abuse..
When you see progress, no matter how small. Even if it is only a little bit over a long time.
I am in that boat right now, and though the waters are white and rough...but we seem to be makeing a forward path, instead of swirling around in circles or heading backwards.
Someday it'll be smooth sailing!
(sorry about all of the mariner analagies)
When you see progress, no matter how small. Even if it is only a little bit over a long time.
I am in that boat right now, and though the waters are white and rough...but we seem to be makeing a forward path, instead of swirling around in circles or heading backwards.
Someday it'll be smooth sailing!
(sorry about all of the mariner analagies)
Staying together for the kids is just something adults say to try to make the situation bearable. Trust me, my parents tried to stay together for me and my half brother. Mom couldn't take it any more and started beatning the shit out of us because she was getting the shit beat out of her. Not a good situation. Even if there's no physical violence, kids pick up on the emotional vibes, even if you try to hide it from them. They're more perceptive than adults in a lot of cases, I think.
sir_sleuth
Virgin
- Joined
- Apr 7, 2001
- Posts
- 9
In My Opinion...
As long as real progress is being made and their is no physical or verbal/mental abuse being done then I say try to weather it out. I have found good communication is the key. Both side must listen as well as talk, and when talking they must talk to each over and not at each other.
Sir Sleuth
As long as real progress is being made and their is no physical or verbal/mental abuse being done then I say try to weather it out. I have found good communication is the key. Both side must listen as well as talk, and when talking they must talk to each over and not at each other.
Sir Sleuth
Its worth saving if you believe in it and you believe it can work. Are you happy? Can you ever be happy with your husband? I don't mean, "I can tolerate this because we've got kids" or "I can deal with him its safe", I mean, "I know this can work and I can be happy spending my days with this person because I enjoy their company and because I love them." If that's not the case, then its only a matter of time, and as a previous poster said, the kids will and do pick up on everything.
brazenblaze
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 7, 2000
- Posts
- 783
If you have to ask, then it probably isn't.
Whispersecret
Clandestine Sex-pressionist
- Joined
- Feb 17, 2000
- Posts
- 3,089
I disagree heartily with the people who said that if you're asking the question, the marriage probably isn't worth it. What a load of crap. (No offense)
Just because you question the value of something doesn't negate its value! Everything worth having in life requires work. Marriage is one of those things. Because of the inherent effort involved, EVERYONE questions their marriage at one point or another.
Hell, have I wondered what my life would have been like if I didn't have kids? Have I fleetingly thought about taking off and being completely free? Hell, yes. Does the fact that I questioned the wisdom of becoming a parent therefore mean that I should in fact abandon my kids? Of course not.
Doubt does not and should not necessarily lead to rejection of something.
Now, the only person who can say whether your marriage is worth saving is you. Personally, I think people opt for the "easy" way out too quickly these days.
Don't jump on me for implying that divorce is easy. I'm just saying it's easier than fighting for a marriage. When you divorce (for reasons other than abuse, alcohol/drug abuse, etc.), you're essentially quitting, which can be tough of course, but it's still quitting and that's generally easier than toughing out a low period in a marriage. Ask anyone who's wallowing in the pit of bad relations with his/her spouse. When your marriage is in a shithole, it's sometimes almost impossible to lift a little finger to fix it.
All marriages go through rocky periods. Whether you bail or not comes down to your personal convictions about your vows, what value you place on your happiness and that of everyone intimately involved (children ESPECIALLY), and your views about divorce and its ramifications.
Either way, don't look here for the answers. You're only going to find them inside yourself.
Or you could go ask your spouse.
[Edited by whispersecret on 04-08-2001 at 01:26 PM]
Just because you question the value of something doesn't negate its value! Everything worth having in life requires work. Marriage is one of those things. Because of the inherent effort involved, EVERYONE questions their marriage at one point or another.
Hell, have I wondered what my life would have been like if I didn't have kids? Have I fleetingly thought about taking off and being completely free? Hell, yes. Does the fact that I questioned the wisdom of becoming a parent therefore mean that I should in fact abandon my kids? Of course not.
Doubt does not and should not necessarily lead to rejection of something.
Now, the only person who can say whether your marriage is worth saving is you. Personally, I think people opt for the "easy" way out too quickly these days.
Don't jump on me for implying that divorce is easy. I'm just saying it's easier than fighting for a marriage. When you divorce (for reasons other than abuse, alcohol/drug abuse, etc.), you're essentially quitting, which can be tough of course, but it's still quitting and that's generally easier than toughing out a low period in a marriage. Ask anyone who's wallowing in the pit of bad relations with his/her spouse. When your marriage is in a shithole, it's sometimes almost impossible to lift a little finger to fix it.
All marriages go through rocky periods. Whether you bail or not comes down to your personal convictions about your vows, what value you place on your happiness and that of everyone intimately involved (children ESPECIALLY), and your views about divorce and its ramifications.
Either way, don't look here for the answers. You're only going to find them inside yourself.
Or you could go ask your spouse.
[Edited by whispersecret on 04-08-2001 at 01:26 PM]
WoodyViagra
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Mar 21, 2001
- Posts
- 155
Hi WS--
Great response--How was Las Vegas?
Great response--How was Las Vegas?
Nobody Special's wife
Just Peeking
- Joined
- Nov 3, 2000
- Posts
- 2,702
Any thing is worth saveing if you love someone!!
BUt I believe if the other party is not inlove with you or has problems of abuse ....to the other partner then its time to leave ..I believe if you can't be happy or get help or anything... that there is no chance in hell two people are going to make it in a marriage if the don't try or communicate with one another....Its takes two to start ..But only one person to stop what is going on.....
this is where the two people need to sit down and say hay I can't take this any more we have tried....and go from there
If your planning on getting a dirvorce....and you have children and both parents are very good parents..loveing and kind ..Then you both should agree on shared-parenting .
But that is just my opion!!
THE WIFE
BUt I believe if the other party is not inlove with you or has problems of abuse ....to the other partner then its time to leave ..I believe if you can't be happy or get help or anything... that there is no chance in hell two people are going to make it in a marriage if the don't try or communicate with one another....Its takes two to start ..But only one person to stop what is going on.....
this is where the two people need to sit down and say hay I can't take this any more we have tried....and go from there
If your planning on getting a dirvorce....and you have children and both parents are very good parents..loveing and kind ..Then you both should agree on shared-parenting .
But that is just my opion!!
THE WIFE
G
Guest
Guest
!
Closet Desire
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Sep 26, 2000
- Posts
- 1,177
A question to ask yourself...
Can you picture life being like this in five years?
If not, what are you going to do to change it.
As I said on another thread and from my own personal experience (which is my experience and not necessarily anyone else's), when you're in the middle of it things are not always clear. Abuse can be very insidious.
If you're a woman ask yourself this:
Do you sometimes feel invisible to your husband, your children, and your parents?
Does your partner think the children and the house are your responsibility?
Do parents and in-laws walk past you to see their grandchildren?
Do your needs, desires, and goals seem unimportant to others?
Do you get criticised for sometimes putting yourself or your career first?
Do you feel guilty when you put your own needs first?
I'm not leaving the men out, this just happens to be our speciality. I think you can turn it around and apply it to men as well. What often happens in a relationship is that the woman is in the position of having to make all the sacrifices to keep everyone--and I mean everyone--else happy and content. Traditional counselling (particularly by the church) frequently reinforces this notion. Women who try to change this balance often find they are either slapped back into conformity using all sorts of "guilt" trips or they say enough is enough and they walk. (Funny thing about women in general is that when they say enough is enough--it often is--and there is no going back).
My family is full of couples who stayed together for the children or because their religious beliefs put the sanctity of marriage above all else. It is a miserable, suffering family full of dysfunction and unsuccessful people. Unsuccessful in jobs. Unsuccessful in education. Unsuccessful in relationships.
Nobody goes into marriage thinking "if this is too tough I'll just get a divorce". They're in love and they have all the right intentions. But lots of things can happen or change that can damage a relationship beyond repair. It can be that the goals of the individuals are so different from one another that they can simply not go on being together.
Marriage is a religious institution--beyond that it is a partnership between two people and you can't lose sight of the humanity. When the continued relationship damages or inhibits the individuals it not only harms them but their children as well.
I didn't walk away after 20 years of a bad marriage--I ran. One could argue that I wasted 20 years by leaving it and they would be right. The real tragedy would have been wasting another 20 years. All the things I should have achieved--including happiness--in those twenty years were finally met within five after my divorce. For me it was no mistake--it was the right thing. To remain would have been immoral.
A bad investment will seldom turn into a good one.
Can you picture life being like this in five years?
If not, what are you going to do to change it.
As I said on another thread and from my own personal experience (which is my experience and not necessarily anyone else's), when you're in the middle of it things are not always clear. Abuse can be very insidious.
If you're a woman ask yourself this:
Do you sometimes feel invisible to your husband, your children, and your parents?
Does your partner think the children and the house are your responsibility?
Do parents and in-laws walk past you to see their grandchildren?
Do your needs, desires, and goals seem unimportant to others?
Do you get criticised for sometimes putting yourself or your career first?
Do you feel guilty when you put your own needs first?
I'm not leaving the men out, this just happens to be our speciality. I think you can turn it around and apply it to men as well. What often happens in a relationship is that the woman is in the position of having to make all the sacrifices to keep everyone--and I mean everyone--else happy and content. Traditional counselling (particularly by the church) frequently reinforces this notion. Women who try to change this balance often find they are either slapped back into conformity using all sorts of "guilt" trips or they say enough is enough and they walk. (Funny thing about women in general is that when they say enough is enough--it often is--and there is no going back).
My family is full of couples who stayed together for the children or because their religious beliefs put the sanctity of marriage above all else. It is a miserable, suffering family full of dysfunction and unsuccessful people. Unsuccessful in jobs. Unsuccessful in education. Unsuccessful in relationships.
Nobody goes into marriage thinking "if this is too tough I'll just get a divorce". They're in love and they have all the right intentions. But lots of things can happen or change that can damage a relationship beyond repair. It can be that the goals of the individuals are so different from one another that they can simply not go on being together.
Marriage is a religious institution--beyond that it is a partnership between two people and you can't lose sight of the humanity. When the continued relationship damages or inhibits the individuals it not only harms them but their children as well.
I didn't walk away after 20 years of a bad marriage--I ran. One could argue that I wasted 20 years by leaving it and they would be right. The real tragedy would have been wasting another 20 years. All the things I should have achieved--including happiness--in those twenty years were finally met within five after my divorce. For me it was no mistake--it was the right thing. To remain would have been immoral.
A bad investment will seldom turn into a good one.
Similar threads
