How do you introduce Bondage into.....

[TxBelle]

a relationship? Do you just go out and buy various things from the local hardware store and say , "Ok honey tonight you practice knot making? Tomorrow you get to tie me up and I try not to giggle." I just can't see myself doing that but would really love to try it. I know my husband could be very creative given the chance but I just can't get up the nerve to initiate anything. And if I did finally get things going am I running the risk of ruining a perfectly good fantasy? I suppose I should stop wondering if I'll ruin my mental image and start concentrating on enhancing it with the real thing huh?
I can't even be sure he would enjoy anything like that. I've looked at all of my husbands porn movies and dowloads and they are all straight plain sexually oriented generic mind numbing pixels...... I know he'd try it just for me but I wonder if he'd really enjoy it.
Any ideas on where I should start?

Hugs to all
Belle

 

[bunny bondage]

ah, i was in your same situation when i first decided to post here. what worked for me was dropping subtle hints, introducing the subject in a lighthearted manner so if He was totally uninterested i had given Him the opportunity to laugh and say "eww no!" without any serious issues being breached. of course, it was very easy for me and i hardly had to work the hints at all before i was handcuffed and getting spanked, so perhaps other people would be able to offer better advice...

 

[Hecate]

Why start on the "heavy stuff"?

Actually, I think it might be much less "intimidating" for your husband if you started out in an almost unnoticable manner .. like using a scarf (or any other suitable item that is already familiar to him) that "happens to lay around on the bed " one evening - wrap your wrists in it accidentally and remain "entangled" for a while while he caresses you...

another little something that usually works is to print aout a fwe (not too heavy) bondage stories from the net and either place them for him to read or read them out loud for him when cuddled up in bed .. that should be quite a hint if he is interested and still is "neutral" from your POV if he is "icky" about it

Just spontaneous thoughts before my first coffee, so don't pay any attention to grammar and spelling...

Good Luck and even more FUN!

 

[thejamesuk]

What worked for me was the introduction of a scarf as a blind fold..then as restraints.. then a feather duster... tickling id wonderful fun (tell him you'll love it) .. then when tied down on her front a little light spanking.... (tell him...has he never done that even in jest a 'love tap'?) ... most men want to turn their ladies on, and if you encourage him, slowly step by step...

good luck and enjoy

 

[Hecate]

a relationship? Do you just go out and buy various things from the local hardware store and say , "Ok honey tonight you practice knot making? Tomorrow you get to tie me up and I try not to giggle." I just can't see myself doing that but would really love to try it.

OK - I think I did address that in my earlier post ... now I am back with maybe some more coherent thinking ....

Don't at first get any equipment specially dedicated to the purpose. This might put pressure on the both of you as it is a "set up" scene and not something you can slip in and out of at your leisure and comfort level.

Again, I think there are so many things in a regular household to do the trick .. scarves, pantyhose, ties ... all those do a good job in light bondage (just don't use his majorly loved silk ties .. might not be a pleasant sight after undoing them ! Plus, if using pantyhose have a pair of scissors nearby as they ten to tighten and the knots sometimes don't come undone easily, so for a "quick release" it is handy to have scissors close by.)

If you place any of those possible binding materials accidentially around your love-making zone I am sure you will find a way to introduce and integrate them in your erotic action without much problem.

maybe wrap a silk scarf around your hand as you stroke his back - then both and ... oooops, look darling, I am all helpless and entagled right now... the things you could do to me if I were really .... tied up.... *insert innocent smile here*

I know my husband could be very creative given the chance but I just can't get up the nerve to initiate anything. And if I did finally get things going am I running the risk of ruining a perfectly good fantasy? I suppose I should stop wondering if I'll ruin my mental image and start concentrating on enhancing it with the real thing huh?

Creative husband - desires - fantasy ... sounds perfect to me
Honestly, you aren't going for full scale bondage from 0 - 100 in one step, so if you realize ist isn't feeling as right as you thought then leave it at the experimental stage. Your fantasy can still be all you want, no worries. And you never know, you may even work up more, other, new fantasies as you discover....

I can't even be sure he would enjoy anything like that. I've looked at all of my husbands porn movies and dowloads and they are all straight plain sexually oriented generic mind numbing pixels...... I know he'd try it just for me but I wonder if he'd really enjoy it.

That is a bit more of a tough one.... and nobody but you can judge the probability-scale. A few thoughts to ponder though:

Does he know you see his porn choices? If so, maybe he has not dared to have anything more exciting for fear of scaring you? Maybe he wants it as much but is as hesitant?

If he really is into cuddly cherishing sex, you always can tell him you do not want responsibility and that all you desire is to be "out of control" so that you are completely in his care and mercy because you trust him and love him and that would enhance your feeling of giving yourself ... usually that will spark any dominant streak if there is one, but if there isn't then at least the caring personality will want to please you as long as it doesn't have to betray moral principles.


Is he usually the more passive or more active partner in your love making? If he is more active already, chances are he might not mind you being even more passive by bondage so to speak. If usually you are the "driving force" then maybe it is worth a bit more investigation if he himself has a passive/submissive streak and thus would rather be the one tied up than the active part... or maybe he would surprise you by being given control?


Last but not least: what do you personally expect to happen when tied up? Sure, bondage is fun, but where should the road lead from there?
Pain and s/m play?
erotic teasing and no pain involved? Just lovemaking "as usual" basically?
should he get you off while you are all helpless while in your mind you play a little rape-fantasy?

And what is so fascinating about bondage for you? the physical restraint and "helplessness", the aspect of being controlled and dominated and at his mercy?

There are so many options you can choose from, but you need to know what you want and what you don't want... and be ready to deal with anything inbetween ...

... and might want to consider what you are likely to do if he likes your idea of bondage and D/s - a lot - but with him tied up.

Edited to add that I don't expect you to answer that here on board - I was intending to give you a few things to ponder on in private!

Any ideas on where I should start?

Hugs to all
Belle

Well - I would think ... wrists

Seriously, I hope the above holds something valid - but you just have to take a step and why not do it soon?

Have fun!

 

[thejamesuk]

Re: Re: How do you introduce Bondage into.....

Last but not least: what do you personally expect to happen when tied up? Sure, bondage is fun, but where should the road lead from there?
Pain and s/m play?
erotic teasing and no pain involved? Just lovemaking "as usual" basically?
should he get you off while you are all helpless while in your mind you play a little rape-fantasy?

And what is so fascinating about bondage for you? the physical restraint and "helplessness", the aspect of being controlled and dominated and at his mercy?

There are so many options you can choose from, but you need to know what you want and what you don't want... and be ready to deal with anything inbetween ...

Hecate, I couldn't agree more... slowly slowly, gently gently.... as far as you bith want ... then just a little further (to see if you want more)... and no more. take it slow and steady, encourage each other, try things out... surely that is what safe, sane and consenual really means!!!

hugs and enjoy

 

[lovetoread]

Just be prepared to accept it if he doesn't want to do anything like it.

Tis horrible to be called names when expressing ones wishes to a lover who does not like doing things like this.

 

[TxBelle]

Thanks for all the feedback! I've never talked with anyone about this so it seems...surreal.

If you met my husband on the street you'ld be taken aback. He's 6'6" with tattoos a mustache and sparkling eyes. He has long golden hair down past his shoulder blades with soft silver at the temples. He works out everyday and it shows. He's a wonderful daddy to our three little boys and can body slam a baby to change a dirty diaper in 30 seconds! He's allways works so hard...long hours and a long drive. He never complains but he's feeling old at 38. He's worn out and sex is frankly boring at times. There's little I can give him except better sex.

Since I've always dreamed of BDSM I thought maybe I could share that with him. (Heavy on the BD and lite on the SM.) For me it's the idea of not having control for once. I control the kids, the house, the money (what little of it there is), holidays, parties school stuff for the boys, and everything else. I quit work because I had too much control/responsibility and got very little help from the hubby...not by his choice. I didn't have an orgasm for the first 10 yrs of our marriage and then he found out (I got plastered and told him) and it's been wonderful since then. God I could kick myself for not saying something sooner!!!!!!!!

In other words I'm tired of doing it all. I want to turn something over and this has always been then one thing I'd love to relinguish. Now that he and I are both more intouch with what works for me I've thought of nothing but us going even further. The few times he has held me down have been awesome.

My room is pretty neat so having stuff laying around might be hard to pull off but I'm going to try it. I've actually been planning on building a bed just for that purpose but that's not happening anytime soon so I'll have to refocus my creativity.

He knows I've seen the movies. I've mentioned how "common" they are and his idea of getting wild was a lame butt fuck movie. We've always gotten penthouse but I think it's time I went shopping. I'm definately going to send him stories. That's a fantastic idea!

Now if I can just get the kids out of the house so I can read!!!!!!

Hugs
Belle

 

[thejamesuk]

just slowly belle.... let him think it is his idea.... and have a lot of wonderful fun.... enjoy it and your new life together


hugs and kisses

James

 

[dirtylittleslut]

I am in kinda the same boat as you, although bondage has been part of my marriage for years. I am in the process of bringing up things that my husband had no clue that I would be interested in. And because it is so new to him, and a new need from me, we have been dealing with those, slightly uncomfortable, feelings when something new is addressed. I am lucky, and very grateful, because my husband doesn't shoot anything down right away, but rather thinks about it for awhile first. So it isn't a reactionary response.
But the way I bring up something new that I would like to try, is if I find a story or a post here, that is detailed and sparks my interest, I just pull him over to the computer and tell him that it sounds like it could be fun. While he is reading it, I watch his face and then afterwards, I ask him...so what do you think? After we talk a little on it and he knows that I am interested in trying that, I leave it alone. If it is something that is going to happen, I get surprised with it, which for me takes care of my need for him to be in control of things. Because he decides when it happens, if it happens, and how it is going to happen. (Always have some kind of signal/word, just incase it gets too far. As I'm sure you have read here already).

But I can tell you I was very surprised once awhile back when I came in and found what my husband had done when I wasn't looking. We don't have a bedframe, but just a box spring and mattress, so it took some thought to rig up a way of having bondage. He took clothes line and tied it to the braces under the boxspring, then took some of my old nylons and tied them to loops on each side of the bed and used that for my wrists. It works great, and can be hidden from kids and company.
The tip about scissors is very important. We found out just how well nylons work..the more you struggle, the tighter they get..so definitly keep an eye on that.
This could also be done on the ankles, if spread-eagle, is wanted.

Surprises really do keep the spark in a marriage alive. I have been with my husband for almost 7 years now, and we got in a rut like most couples do after time together. But by learning and sharing with each other, things can get revved back up rather quickly.
And my husband works really hard too, it may not seem as spontantious to have to plan out a "night of fun", but when they are tired all the time, sometimes you have to work around that.

 

[WillowPuss]

Gosh - this was me about nine months ago!

What I did was find a few sites that spoke eloquently of BDSM ... sites like castlerealm.com
I mentioned, causually (with an almost dry mouth and a thumping heart) that I had found something really interesting. And left it at that.

Then I printed off some stories and just happened to leave them laying around in the bedroom ...



Slowly does it. One little step at a time.

Good luck!

 

[dirtylittleslut]

I haven't been through all of the site, but what I did see looks wonderful. Thank you for posting the link Willow. I know I will be spending a lot of time there and will have my husband do some reading.

 

[WillowPuss]

You are most welcome

I quoted some of jade's words on my own site.

 

[Cirrus]

How about just asking? You married the guy, you should be able to talk to him, right?

I'm not saying go with your original idea, just bring it up nonchalantely, in a setting that isn't overtly sexual. As in "hey, you know...I've been thinking a little about ____, and I think it would be kind of cool to try". Or say you saw a documentary or something on human sexuality (yes, they ARE out there) and then mention something you "saw" that you want to try.

Another way, and I know most of the guys I've dated like this, go to an adult store, or look at a catalog and pick out a toy. Doesn't have to the be 14" vibrating ejaculating remote control double dong, just...something. Maybe a small dildo, a vibrator, something pretty low key. Then, once you try that and enjoy it, you could open the door to more bondage oriented toys.

 

[cutiecarol]

This is my first time to post but I couldn't resist. This was me a week ago. How it started for us, was during lovemaking I surprised both of us by saying "hold me down!" So he held my arms down with just his hands. After that we talked it out and sort of analyzed why I had suddenly wanted that. Something to push against, struggle a little. The next thing we tried was a few days later, and I tied a scarf to the leg of the bed, then tied the end in a loop. I put my wrists inside and twisted them around so I was bound but could easily get out if I wanted. Then it was nonthreatening.

During this one, I said "Stop!" and he stopped, so I said "no, I don't really mean 'stop' but I just want to pretend." So we decided on a signal that would mean I really DID want him to stop, but the rest was fantasy. So if I said, "stop now, let me up, untie me!" he kept playing with me, but if I said "I mean it" he would stop.
We also set parameters, no pain involved, just teasing and stuff like that. Making me take more ecstacy when I think I can't.
I don't know if that helps, but I hope so. I never thought he would go for it, but he is excited not because of the bondage but because he gets off on my excitement. A caring husband like yours sounds like (like mine is also) will enjoy himself ever so much more when he sees you are getting hot and into sex with him.

Hope that helps a little.
Carol

 

[thejamesuk]

During this one, I said "Stop!" and he stopped, so I said "no, I don't really mean 'stop' but I just want to pretend." So we decided on a signal that would mean I really DID want him to stop, but the rest was fantasy. So if I said, "stop now, let me up, untie me!" he kept playing with me, but if I said "I mean it" he would stop.
Hope that helps a little.
Carol

Am deighted for you that this is working... it is thrillig and exciting...and good. I am also glad you sorted out a safe word/phrase, but might I suggest you should think of something that is completely out of context for your phrase. I would suggest something that is completely meaningless to you both for this purpose. He clearly wants to do remain consensual and that is fantastic.

have a lot of fun

 

[cutiecarol]

safe word

Thanks for the interesting suggestion. I hadn't thought about it that way. What are the chances, though, that if we choose a meaningless phrase such as that, that in the heat of the moment I would forget what the phrase is? If I'm not thinking straight, will the all-important words elude me? Then no matter what I say, he will not know that I need him to stop, because he may think I am just getting into our play.

Has this happened to anyone? That you forgot your safe word when you needed it? I guess then you could just say, "Hey, I forgot the words..." Maybe I'm making this more complicated than it is.

He is out of town for a few days, so I can think through the issues and then we can play some more when he gets home.

Thanks,
Carol

 

[WillowPuss]

A lot of BDSMers use colours for safewords ...

green - that's good but a bit harder/faster/I can take more

yellow - I am reaching my limit on this so ease up a little plesae

red - STOP!!! Immediate stop to all play as I am in trouble


works for me aand my Master.

(Ohhhhh and because I have arthritis and sometimes limbs lock, we also have a word which means that I need to move a limb so can we halt for a while.)

 

[SaltydogNH]

carefull

well the holding down the arms works, as does using a blindfold without restraints...
gives feeling of helplessness but not loss of control as a starter

 

[TXPleasure]

He took clothes line and tied it to the braces under the boxspring, then took some of my old nylons and tied them to loops on each side of the bed and used that for my wrists. It works great, and can be hidden from kids and company.

Another trick is to buy pet leashes, at least two. Hook them together with the metal clasps that go to the collar, and slip them between mattresses, or underneath the waterbed. The loops for holding on become the anchors for a variety of cuffs, ties or the longer velcro straps available on some bondage gear.

Start slow and simple, and let the new ideas take a natural path the two of you communicate to guide!

Have FUN,
Susan

 

[A Desert Rose]

To introduce bondage or any type of kink into a relationship, it begins with communication between the parties involved.

 

[TxBelle]

How about just asking? You married the guy, you should be able to talk to him, right?

I'm not saying go with your original idea, just bring it up nonchalantely, in a setting that isn't overtly sexual. As in "hey, you know...I've been thinking a little about ____, and I think it would be kind of cool to try". Or say you saw a documentary or something on human sexuality (yes, they ARE out there) and then mention something you "saw" that you want to try.

Another way, and I know most of the guys I've dated like this, go to an adult store, or look at a catalog and pick out a toy. Doesn't have to the be 14" vibrating ejaculating remote control double dong, just...something. Maybe a small dildo, a vibrator, something pretty low key. Then, once you try that and enjoy it, you could open the door to more bondage oriented toys.

Well I could ask but I just can't seem to get the words out. I did send him a story and I moved my little lingerie dresser next to our bed. It has scarves and our truly lame toy collection in it but this way it's more accessible.

As far as the toys go...well we've got them but never use them unless we're drunk.

He mentioned something about spanking this evening. He was teasing the boys about spanking mommy. I just said, "Ummmm" and smiled at him. I think he liked that because of the big grin on his face. So I am working on it.

He's usually up very early. My head cold has gone to my chest so I finally got up at 4:30 yesterday morning unbelievably ill. He was downloading porn movies. He told me about trying out a site for a free trial and not cancelling soon enough so he had to pay for a month. He was tying to download as many movies as he could before the next billing cycle. I told him I'd try to download some movies for him if I got the chance. He gave me his password and I downloaded a couple of decent anal movies. He must have liked them since he was all over my ass this morning at 5:30! Too bad he had to leave before things got too involved....Sigh I'll be downloading the BDSM movies tomorrow.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Well I could ask but I just can't seem to get the words out. I did send him a story and I moved my little lingerie dresser next to our bed. It has scarves and our truly lame toy collection in it but this way it's more accessible.

As far as the toys go...well we've got them but never use them unless we're drunk.

He mentioned something about spanking this evening. He was teasing the boys about spanking mommy. I just said, "Ummmm" and smiled at him. I think he liked that because of the big grin on his face. So I am working on it.

He's usually up very early. My head cold has gone to my chest so I finally got up at 4:30 yesterday morning unbelievably ill. He was downloading porn movies. He told me about trying out a site for a free trial and not cancelling soon enough so he had to pay for a month. He was tying to download as many movies as he could before the next billing cycle. I told him I'd try to download some movies for him if I got the chance. He gave me his password and I downloaded a couple of decent anal movies. He must have liked them since he was all over my ass this morning at 5:30! Too bad he had to leave before things got too involved....Sigh I'll be downloading the BDSM movies tomorrow.

I believe that you may have struck a cord, Txbelle. Just encourage him and it looks like you may have the beginnings of a more kinky relationship. Just keep it light and breezy.

Eb