How do you help someone get over being abused

[Gil_T2]

I've tended to avoid my ex in the last few months unless it's been absolutely necessary to talk to him, but I can see I'm going to have to say something even though my stomach ties itself in knots at the thought.

I was talking to my daughter on the phone tonight (she lives with him but he wasn't home at the time). He has applied to the tax department to get me to pay child support, which I am quite prepared to pay, but it is assessed on my taxable income which isn't a lot and works out to about $45 a month. From what I can gather he feels this isn't enough, even though they live on a farm and gets free meat, milk, eggs etc. He's been like a bear with a sore head much of the time which as you can imagine isn't a whole lot of fun for her who has to listen to his bitching and moaning. She's 15 years old, she shouldn't have to put up with that sort of crap. I'm worried that he's putting the same kind of emotional abuse on her that he did me.......he'll end up driving her away in the end, our son is 20 and he hates coming back home for longer than a few days because the atmosphere there isn't great.

My ex is stubborn and like a little boy who hasn't grown up, it's been over a year since the split and he's worse than ever. I really don't want to talk to him but I feel I have to, for our daughter's sake. He still can make me feel like crap, but I'm more afraid he'll take his bad mood out on her again......

God all those bad feelings are coming back at me again, does it ever get any easier......

Dear Bandit,
You say that you have spoken to your daughter about things that are happening with your ex but don't say how it is affecting her...which in my mind is the most important thing to concider here, would moving in with you be possible ? Councilling
might also need to be concidered as it could well ruin her out look on life in the future. I do not know the KIWI system for child support but seems similar to AUSSIE in that it's finance related which no matter how pissed he gets at it his efforts can't change anything. I think you should put your concerns for your daughter in a letter out lining what he wants, what you want & what you think is best for your daughter & ad for him to sit & think about the out come if he keeps upsetting your daughter & that he will lose her love (which as a father would be enough for me to change anything), I realise it is going to be difficult for you to face him or I bet even phoning him, a 16yo girl has enough going on with her body changing to cope with let al0ne these other issues & he is wrong if he is involving her in this too as it sgould be only between you & him ...NOT involing your daughter at all.

Do some searching on the net for assistance in how to do this right, make some phone calls for the same info there must be some place you can contact there, I'm also told here there are services that will mediate the whole thing to keep thing civilised.

Wishing you every success & hope to hear good news soon for you & your daughter.

 

[Gil_T2]

I absolutely agree, and so does she, but she puts strict limits on what she believes a relationship with a therapist should be and--for my money--those limits work against the process of therapy.

Specifically, she says she would want her therapist to be someone that she knew nothing about outside of the therapist's office. She wanted to be able to discuss things with him/her without thinking of him/her as a person with a life outside the room. If she ever finds a therapist like that, I believe she's doomed to years of therapy with no progress.

I subscribe to the M. Scott Peck "spiritual therapy" approach that he introduces and espouses in The Road Less Traveled. Just as we can easily be our own worst enemies, he suggests that we are also our own best therapists by dint of the fact that no one can fix us but us. As she was unwilling (and couldn't afford) to see a therapist, I did my best to simply be there and be supportive and encourage and love her as a friend.

Being human, well, I made mistakes. The most important thing to do was to recognize the mistakes as mistakes, take responsibility for them, and do my best to correct them. In the first year we lived together, I did 4 things that I considered reprehensible, but I apologized for all of them, explained the thinking that went into making the mistakes (when there was any) and promised to do my best not to make the same mistakes again.

Ultimately, though, it wasn't enough. She essentially cast me as a father figure, ascribing all the bad traits her father had to me, even though I didn't actually exhibit any of them short of raising my voice a bit when I got angry (and while she gave me plenty of reasons to get angry, I managed to strictly limit those incidences of loud expression to perhaps 5 events in more than 2 years).

I suppose to tackle it properly, I really need to tell the story, and tell it from the beginning. I think I've laid enough groundwork in a couple of posts to get started...just let me let it simmer a bit more and I'll share from the beginning. If all goes well, it will be, at the very least, a cathartic experience.

As someone who has been with a surviver of abuse & suffered a relationship that wasn't what I/we thought it was going to be because of her past & the four years we were togeter were gone,
unless they do get the professional help the need nothing willever change regardless of how hard to non abuser tries, It's a shame but that is fact.

How are you with the end of the relationship you had ? If your anything like me it does affect you for a long time & what are you doing to help YOU ?

 

[Gil_T2]

BLACKBITCH & BROWN EYES thanks for your thoughts & for stepping up to help you both make this thread easier to run with well thought out comments.



THANKYOU BOTH very much.

 

[Bandit58]

shaking head at the ignorance of assholes

Yes, my dear...it doesn't seem like it now but it will and does get better. Your ex is an ass who is trying to make you hurt every way possible; you are no longer under his thumb so he's going to start making life miserable for your daughter. He probably doesn't care but he will make an environment so horrible for her that she will leave and never come back...he will have no one to blame but himself but it sounds like he's not going to change. If child support is so damn important to him, he will take when he gets...enough said. I wish there was somewhere else for your daughter to go but, if she's anything like her mom, she will come through this one hell of a woman too!

Thanks Blackbich.... My daughter's a tough little cookie She chose to live where she's happy, on the farm with the animals she loves, rather than move to the town with me. She has lots of friends and she knows she can always ring me and come and stay for a day or two if things get too bad.........

Gil I did ask her if she'd reconsider her living arrangements if I got a bigger flat but she said she's happy on the farm, it's her dad's attitude which is the biggest problem. He is usually a good father and I know he loves her but it's when anything crops up that's to do with me that he gets moody and says things about me that now and then I've had to clarify. I've had to bite my tongue numerous times when I hear about the things he's been saying, like how "mum should be paying more than the $45 a month if she really cared about you" He also doesn't like me going in the house with her (when she invites me in), saying that "she chose to leave my house she shouldn't just walk in any time she feels like it". A couple of times a month at the most...... Last time I hugged her and dropped her off and didn't go in, the aggro isn't worth it.

I'm going to ring him later tonight....

 

[Gil_T2]

Thanks Blackbich.... My daughter's a tough little cookie She chose to live where she's happy, on the farm with the animals she loves, rather than move to the town with me. She has lots of friends and she knows she can always ring me and come and stay for a day or two if things get too bad.........

Gil I did ask her if she'd reconsider her living arrangements if I got a bigger flat but she said she's happy on the farm, it's her dad's attitude which is the biggest problem. He is usually a good father and I know he loves her but it's when anything crops up that's to do with me that he gets moody and says things about me that now and then I've had to clarify. I've had to bite my tongue numerous times when I hear about the things he's been saying, like how "mum should be paying more than the $45 a month if she really cared about you" He also doesn't like me going in the house with her (when she invites me in), saying that "she chose to leave my house she shouldn't just walk in any time she feels like it". A couple of times a month at the most...... Last time I hugged her and dropped her off and didn't go in, the aggro isn't worth it.

I'm going to ring him later tonight....

He's not being fair to either you or your daughter by his comments
when my daughters mother & I split up I never once put her down
in front of my daughter as she was having enough to cope with us being apart without that crap thrown in my daughter was around 8 at the time, the kids should be HIS & YOUR main consideration not the meat in the sandwich. that is why I thought outside mediation would be best as they can go through it with out personal feeling getting involved.

I think he's a very sad twisted man who can't accept that he is responsible for how things are but untill he wakes up & faces that it was him who caused the end of your relationship he will always be bitter with your daughter being the one who suffers.

 

[babydoll_73]

Babydoll....Oh, Babydoll...what beez going on with you and your brother, dearie???

waving
Hope everyone else is doing well!! [/B]

He is in jail now. We went to court over it all and the judge decided he needed 3 years. He will get out in a year most likely. My dad talked to him and my brother said that he planned on staying away because jail sucks and it's just not worth it. But he has therapy now and anger management. That is it for now.


One week left on the cast. Then 2 weeks of physical therapy then off to Hawaii with me and Brian

 

[PerceivedAsReal]

How are you with the end of the relationship you had ? If your anything like me it does affect you for a long time & what are you doing to help YOU ?

Honestly? I need a good, hard cry before I can even see past what hurts so much that I can't even find the words for it.

Apart from that, I am functioning--things seem to operate in slow motion, like I'm moving through cold molasses, but I am doing what I need to do--food, hygiene, work, recreation.

I'm in a strange window, right now--I'm an amateur movie-maker trying to make a break for myself by getting into some festivals with the project I just finished. There's some polish work to do on the project, but I can't seem to get myself to do that--a combination of current state of mind and the old saw that the first 10% and the last 10% are the hardest. I've sent the rough-cut of the movie off to a few festivals and expect to hear from one or two of them by mid-month: if someone tells me they want to show my movie, then I have to light a fire under myself to finish what needs finishing.

So, right now, it's just hurting and surviving. In two weeks, it will be less of the former and more of the latter, and if the movie gets accepted, it might be the boost I need.

But if it doesn't get accepted, I still need to get up and do what I need to do.

As a friend of mine says, no wallowing allowed.

 

[Don K Dyck]

Re: A trifle bugged.

I do want to say what I have to say, but every attempt to express it goes astray.

I have not myself been physically abused, but I just reached the end of a relationship--a cockeyed friendship, really--with a woman who was a product of severe abuse, both emotional and physical, when she was a child.

In my own case, the issue was the lack of perceived support from my parents, who--in my eyes--seemed to be all about money and very little about love. Naturally, I react to that a bit and consider money to be a whole lot less important (which is part of why I never seem to have any ).

The woman I lived with is in her 30s, but has behaved as long as I have known her, as though she were anywhere from 6 to 16, like there was this time period in which she was emotionally locked and which she had to keep repeating the patterns of.

I did what I could--for 2.5 years she lived with me and I was supportive every way I know how to be supportive. In return, she pushed me as far away as she could with one hand while still requiring my emotional and financial support.

It turned into a huge mess because she didn't trust that I didn't expect anything in return for the effort I made, and I really didn't beyond, perhaps, a little respect for me for having done it.

But I didn't get that. I got to be the bad guy, and I finally put my finger on why: if I was the bad guy, she could justify anything--absolutely anything--she did to me, and the way she treated me, which amounted to emotional neglect at best and abuse at worst...

More later, as it develops...I want to talk about this, but I don't want to target her as being at fault for a situation I invited for myself and in which I did everything I could do to reach her, including overextending myself in many ways.

A lot of people have told me that it was a codependent relationship, and I don't buy that, because even though she's gone now--about 2 weeks--and I do miss her terribly, it hasn't stopped me from functioning: I get up in the morning, go to work, do my work, and clean the house...just a bit slower than usual. That seems to be the only impact. No part of my mind is saying "come back, I need you," and I honestly believe that I would not allow things to be the same if she did call and wanted to come back (which she won't).

In the 2.5 years that we lived together, I talked to many, many people about the situation, so, truly, I've heard all the angles. That's not to say I won't entertain them again if people want to discuss my story from the same angles, but please understand if I'm a bit short or curt in my dismissals: none of it will be new to me, I promise. And if it is, I'll let you know, and probably do cartwheels because it will give me a new angle to explore the situation from.

Hi Perceived . . . the old "I can never be good enough" syndrome, eh? Bin there, done that . . . didn't like it much . . .

My mother was similar to your friend. My escape from the dilemma was accepting that there was simply nothing that I could do to help her. She is locked into a mindset that only she can scape from. You have done nothing wrong . . . the hard thing to realise is that whatever you do is wrong . . . why? . . . because by definition everythng is wrong, so what you do must be wrong . . . crazy isn't it?

My escape, just admitting to myself that I was powerless to help, was one of the greatest releases of my life. I was not responsible for her happiness, she was responsible for her happiness.

It wasn't easy to admit to my ego that I could do nothing. But the relationship imporved considerably when I let her run her life her way. Indeed, over time she even cut back her drinking. Al-Anon or a similar organisation may assist you to understand the syndrome. Most importantly, YOU have to accept that THIS IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM!! . . . It is her problem to resolve when and where she chooses . . . and there isplenty of help available . . .

<Sorry this is rushed but R/L is about to invade, and this is an important post.>

 

[PerceivedAsReal]

Don K.,

Very much on target, and much of it is exactly what I've been teling myself but can't quite get myself to accept just yet.

Before she left, I moved very strongly into the "it's not my problem" phase about every single aspect of our relationship.

Need something to eat? To feed your daughter? Not my problem.

Need laundry detergent? Not my problem.

I didn't mind sharing what I already had, but I stopped doing the extra things that I did because I cared about her because she had finally, once-and-for-all, demonstrated to me that it didn't matter how much I cared about her, I was still nothing to her.

So I stopped doing things. I still cared, just stopped doing things.

I'm glad to have found someone who went through something very similar to what I dealt with, because I knew that there had to be someone out there who could directly relate...who wouldn't simply label my actions "unhealthy" and file them away.

I did everything I could do for her. I did everything I could to gain her trust. But it was not up to me to make her trust me...it was up to her to choose to trust me, and if she couldn't make that choice based on what I did, it was her problem, not mine. I made myself as trustworthy as any human could--as I said, I made mistakes, and I did my best to make amends for them. Other people who heard my story called me a saint, but you, Don K. Dyck, know the truth: you weren't being a saint...you were just doing what you felt you had to do, right?

And when you finally could let it go, you did so knowing that you had given your all, had done your best, and the only reason it wasn't good enough was that there was no such thing as good enough. The goal you were striving for didn't exist.

Thanks so much for your short note...it's done a lot to put things in perspective for me, if only by showing me that what my gut is telling me--that I did my best and couldn't do any more--is the truth of the situation.

 

[Gil_T2]

He is in jail now. We went to court over it all and the judge decided he needed 3 years. He will get out in a year most likely. My dad talked to him and my brother said that he planned on staying away because jail sucks and it's just not worth it. But he has therapy now and anger management. That is it for now.


One week left on the cast. Then 2 weeks of physical therapy then off to Hawaii with me and Brian

BABYDOLL...I'm sorry you had to go through all that you have but at least he is getting the help he so badly needed, it's a pitty it couldn't have happened sooner but as I said before abusers never see their wrong doing till they get a massive wake up call (like jail) & others still don't see it unfortunately.

Enjoy Hawaii very much for you & a little for us too.

 

[Gil_T2]

Honestly? I need a good, hard cry before I can even see past what hurts so much that I can't even find the words for it.

Apart from that, I am functioning--things seem to operate in slow motion, like I'm moving through cold molasses, but I am doing what I need to do--food, hygiene, work, recreation.

I'm in a strange window, right now--I'm an amateur movie-maker trying to make a break for myself by getting into some festivals with the project I just finished. There's some polish work to do on the project, but I can't seem to get myself to do that--a combination of current state of mind and the old saw that the first 10% and the last 10% are the hardest. I've sent the rough-cut of the movie off to a few festivals and expect to hear from one or two of them by mid-month: if someone tells me they want to show my movie, then I have to light a fire under myself to finish what needs finishing.

So, right now, it's just hurting and surviving. In two weeks, it will be less of the former and more of the latter, and if the movie gets accepted, it might be the boost I need.

But if it doesn't get accepted, I still need to get up and do what I need to do.

As a friend of mine says, no wallowing allowed.

Believe me what you are feeling now is not unknown to me & others but at least you do have your short film to through your efforts into even though it is hard to get going with it now.

Your statement about "I still need to get up & do what I need to do" is totally right, I hope you succeed with it sooner than later because the longer you take the harder it gets.

 

[PerceivedAsReal]

Thanks, Gil...

As I was telling a friend of mine tonight, I stretched myself far beyond my original limits where she was concerned, and while some of it took me through unhealthy places, the stretching itself was wonderful, wonderful growth for me.

Now as I return to a somewhat more normal emotional shape, I have to decide which parts of the stretching did, indeed encompass unhealthy aspects and should be let go.

Thanks for those who post in this thread...I'm beginning to realize you don't need to share every single detail as long as you feel like you're being listened to...

 

[Gil_T2]

Thanks, Gil...

As I was telling a friend of mine tonight, I stretched myself far beyond my original limits where she was concerned, and while some of it took me through unhealthy places, the stretching itself was wonderful, wonderful growth for me.

Now as I return to a somewhat more normal emotional shape, I have to decide which parts of the stretching did, indeed encompass unhealthy aspects and should be let go.

Thanks for those who post in this thread...I'm beginning to realize you don't need to share every single detail as long as you feel like you're being listened to...

Yes we do listen & do know as so many of us have experienced it in smore shape so even though we haven't had your experience we do understand where you are.

As for the stretching "unhealthy aspects" were they not in an effort to help ? If they were there is no unhealthy aspects to it as trying to help is never wrong even if you were wasting your time, forget the negatives & stick to the updide of what you experienced through it all.

 

[PerceivedAsReal]

Well, Gil, specifically I "crossed over" on a few things in an attempt to reach her: I'm not a big drug-user, but it seemed to be helping the relationship some if I got stoned with her, so I started doing that on a regular basis.

I've since stopped, but it's an example of the sort of stretch I'm talking about.

Also, I did stretch to the point where I was having difficulty processing the normal day-to-day stress, and my outlet when that happens is generally to eat improperly and more, so I've put on a little weight as things have progressed.

That's one of the things I'm trying to tackle with the upcoming lifestyle changes, which will include--assuming I can handle it--bicycling the 5 miles to work and back every day.

 

[PerceivedAsReal]

One thing I'd like to say about the feedback I've gotten here so far: many, many people I've told this story to have judged her based on my descriptions of what went on. That's not what I'm about, it's not what my confessions are about and, thankfully, it's not what the people who have posted in this thread are about.

There is a lot of pain in life. The Buddha says "Life is suffering." My whole journey with her was an attempt to understand her pain and remove whatever burdens I could to make her task easier.

Not to make her life easier, but to give her more opportunities to recognize her old pain and the limitations it put on her so that she could finally process them--understand the pain as a part of her life experience, a piece of the puzzle that makes her who she is. I was hoping--asking indirectly, even--that she would take that risk rather than trying to bottle up her pain or run away from it.

It hurts like all hell to handle it, but you have to if you want to grow.

I don't know where her particular fear is, but it kept her from looking into those dark places, and a part of me wants to weep just for having said that.

 

[_Milky_Whites_]

The biggest issue often is self esteem. That takes the worst beating with many types of abuse. And then there are the trust issues. If you truly want to help a lady, compliment her often and mean it. Help her to find ways to boost herself up, realize her strengths.
I speak from experience. As an abused child, and now with a husband who is emotionally and mentally abusive.

 

[Bandit58]

Well when I rang the other night he was on his way out the door so it wasn't the right time. My daughter stayed here last night and she asked me not to ring him back and rock the boat, apparently he's in a better mood than he was the other day. She has to live with him so I'll let it go (for now) but by god if he upsets her again he's going to get an earful.

I let things go when he upset me when we were married. I wish I'd had the guts to stand up to him then, it still makes my stomach churn when I have to talk to him. The habits of over 20 years are taking a long time to break I'm slowly coming to realise that not all men are like him.......my lover couldn't be any more different, and I have to tell my self that yes I do deserve to be loved and cherished the way he loves and cherishes me, even though we're apart (not by choice )

_Milky_Whites_ I've been there done that with the emotionally abusive husband.......for far too long......if you ever want to talk my PM box is open

 

[Lucidique]

The biggest issue often is self esteem. That takes the worst beating with many types of abuse. And then there are the trust issues. If you truly want to help a lady, compliment her often and mean it. Help her to find ways to boost herself up, realize her strengths.
I speak from experience. As an abused child, and now with a husband who is emotionally and mentally abusive.

Hope you don't mind me typing to you but I came from a similar life. I came from an abusive childhood into an abusive marriage - which lasted 14 years.
The big turning point for me was for some strange reason I thought about the supposed 'life flashes by in a second' before you die ! It made me take a look at my life. What was going to flash by ? Misery, tears, missed opportunities, my childrens' miserable lives, the viscious cycle they would end up in, the one my mother had come from, the one I was in ! It was then I decided that anything out there had to be better than this. It was my life and my choice. I'd survived thus far and was strong enough to survive anything else that life threw at me. Even happiness.
Make the list of good and bad things about yourself ( 1st time around guess which is the longest list ?). Change what you can about yourself. Think about things that make YOU happy and get some of them for yourself - it's good to be selfish now and again ( abusers thrive on it !) Accept no one is perfect and never will be, and at the end of the day reaching perfection would leave no challenges. Stop punishing yourself, look in the mirror and love yourself. Don't let people around you feed from your misery and put you down.

Sorry to go on but I am new to the board and was just looking at where to post a poem and couldn't help myself.

Lucidique

 

[Blackbich]

Lucidique, you are welcome to post here anytime darling.

Perceived, I am feeling for you, sweetheart as I did for Don and Gil. It is a tough situation to be with someone who has been in such a bad space for so long they are unable to behave any other way. I feel fortunate that I didn't put anyone through any of the changes you guys have gone through..I was too emotionally shut down to care. :shrugs: As much as I would like to have a 'real' relationship right now, I don't believe I'm ready. I still have a lot of work to do with me before I can give myself, emotionally, to another person. Each person is different...some work better with someone in their lives...some don't. Your pain will lessen, eventually, and you will find someone who is everything you deserve to have; please know that her issues had absolutely nothing to do with you.

Bandit_58, if your daughter didn't want you to follow up then you did the right thing. I'll keep your daughter in my prayers.

{{{_Milky_White}}} I will keep you in my prayers, my dear. Be strong. You don't deserve to be treated the way he's treating you which is hard to believe when you have the low self-esteem thing going, I know. Please, please, please, consider all of your options carefully and see if there's anyway to get away from this man.

Babydoll, I'm getting ready to live up to my screen name here and say...HALLELUJAH!!!!! Hopefully he will get the help he so desperately needs and make some serious changes. Either way, you did the right thing and I'm happy you will not have to look over your shoulder for awhile at least.


Be Well, My Friends and Happy 4th of July!!!

 

[Gil_T2]

Well, Gil, specifically I "crossed over" on a few things in an attempt to reach her: I'm not a big drug-user, but it seemed to be helping the relationship some if I got stoned with her, so I started doing that on a regular basis.

I've since stopped, but it's an example of the sort of stretch I'm talking about.

Also, I did stretch to the point where I was having difficulty processing the normal day-to-day stress, and my outlet when that happens is generally to eat improperly and more, so I've put on a little weight as things have progressed.

That's one of the things I'm trying to tackle with the upcoming lifestyle changes, which will include--assuming I can handle it--bicycling the 5 miles to work and back every day.

Well in my mind we are here to support & not to judge anyone on anything first & only main rule.
As for the drugs it's not as uncommon as you might think in falling into the others bad habbits to try to help show you care & fit in with them but it is only a way to deaden real life.The comfort of food can really take it's toll too as the weight goes on so easy but to remove it so hard to do but with the consentration on ways to get healthy can keep the past in a darker place & with time will lessen the affects of remembering.Just from your posts I get the impression that you are a fairly strong spirit & will in time be able to put this all behind you.As for her only she can reach out to be helped & nothing anyone does or says will make her .... It has to be her decision.

 

[Gil_T2]

The biggest issue often is self esteem. That takes the worst beating with many types of abuse. And then there are the trust issues. If you truly want to help a lady, compliment her often and mean it. Help her to find ways to boost herself up, realize her strengths.
I speak from experience. As an abused child, and now with a husband who is emotionally and mentally abusive.

I do hope you break the cycle by getting away to find the real you before looking for a real man who values you just for you because they are out there. My best friend in R/L is a late 20s lady who I've known for many years from the time she first hooked up with her now B/F who is a friend also, her sister has a terrible reputation for being loose & abusive to everyone although she has only ever been very pleasent to me so I sat with her one night & we taked for 6 hours & found that she had gone from one abusive relationship to the next, I tried to get her to seek help but told her I'd be there for her anytime she needed to talk etc, I also told her that she was the only one who could end the abuse by seeking the help to understand why she kept jumping into these abusive relationships which she has now started to do & her life is looking much sweeter.

 

[Gil_T2]

Well when I rang the other night he was on his way out the door so it wasn't the right time. My daughter stayed here last night and she asked me not to ring him back and rock the boat, apparently he's in a better mood than he was the other day. She has to live with him so I'll let it go (for now) but by god if he upsets her again he's going to get an earful.

I let things go when he upset me when we were married. I wish I'd had the guts to stand up to him then, it still makes my stomach churn when I have to talk to him. The habits of over 20 years are taking a long time to break I'm slowly coming to realise that not all men are like him.......my lover couldn't be any more different, and I have to tell my self that yes I do deserve to be loved and cherished the way he loves and cherishes me, even though we're apart (not by choice )

_Milky_Whites_ I've been there done that with the emotionally abusive husband.......for far too long......if you ever want to talk my PM box is open

I do feel sorry for your daughter having to go through his MOODS because he can't accept it was his fault you are not there.

BANDIT....Everyone in this life deserves to be loved & cherrished !

 

[Gil_T2]

Hope you don't mind me typing to you but I came from a similar life. I came from an abusive childhood into an abusive marriage - which lasted 14 years.
The big turning point for me was for some strange reason I thought about the supposed 'life flashes by in a second' before you die ! It made me take a look at my life. What was going to flash by ? Misery, tears, missed opportunities, my childrens' miserable lives, the viscious cycle they would end up in, the one my mother had come from, the one I was in ! It was then I decided that anything out there had to be better than this. It was my life and my choice. I'd survived thus far and was strong enough to survive anything else that life threw at me. Even happiness.
Make the list of good and bad things about yourself ( 1st time around guess which is the longest list ?). Change what you can about yourself. Think about things that make YOU happy and get some of them for yourself - it's good to be selfish now and again ( abusers thrive on it !) Accept no one is perfect and never will be, and at the end of the day reaching perfection would leave no challenges. Stop punishing yourself, look in the mirror and love yourself. Don't let people around you feed from your misery and put you down.

Sorry to go on but I am new to the board and was just looking at where to post a poem and couldn't help myself.

Lucidique

You are very welcome here LUCIDIQUE & thankyou for posting here & so glad that you have broken the line of abuse that has run through your family & pray the your children will grow never knowing any of it in their lives as it does seem to run through the generations if the line isn't broken.

Best wishes to you & kids & feel free to come back anytime.Good luck with getting the poem accepted, you could even start a thread on the playground for them where you & others can post.

 

[Gil_T2]

BLACKBICH...Thanks again for posting here & as usual your post is very helpful.

 

[Lucidique]

You are very welcome here LUCIDIQUE & thankyou for posting here & so glad that you have broken the line of abuse that has run through your family & pray the your children will grow never knowing any of it in their lives as it does seem to run through the generations if the line isn't broken.

Best wishes to you & kids & feel free to come back anytime.Good luck with getting the poem accepted, you could even start a thread on the playground for them where you & others can post.

Thank you Gil_T2 and Blackbitch !