How do you help someone get over being abused

[Gil_T2]

Well, an entire weekend has come and gone and I've managed not to go see him. Even though he sent me a message telling me to. It's been the longest weekend. But I've made it through one and I'll make it through more. I hate being alone. No one to talk to or be with. Even if he does ignore me except when he wants some, at least I had someone to be near. Now I have no one. But I will survive. I went 4 years with no one before him and once I get used to it again I'll get by 4 more. Or longer.

My dear friend I wish I was closer for you as I do know being alone very much, I to crave the chance to hold a lady in my arms again & you know if there was a way I'd be honoured to be able to hold you as you are more than a person I share a bond with.

long caring cuddles.

 

[stilltrying]

Re: Dealing with the Ex

Any tips for dealing with this......he was never violent but I still feel awful whenever I see him or even talk on the phone.....

You know, I have a friend who works in the customer service dept at a local company. She spends her entire day on the phone dealing with people who have problems and complaints and when she first started, I could see that it really wore her down. Over time though, she's managed to overcome that and I asked not that long ago how she'd done it. She told me that when she first started, she would unconsciously let the customer dictate the mood or the 'tone' of the conversation to her, which, since they were always calling to complain about something, would automatically put her on the defensive and even make her feel guilty. Over time though, she just got fed up with that and started taking the initiative in her conversations and she'd start each conversation with a positive and helpful attitude. Her outlook was that she was there to help fix problems, not be made to feel guilty for them.
So maybe in some small way, this sort of thing could work for you as well. It sounds like you are effected by your ex's attitude to the extent that you are letting him set the mood for your encounters. Maybe if you just consciously ignore his mood, and go into those encounters with a different attitude it would help.

And good luck to you kikmosa, it's great that you made it through the whole weekend. Good job!

 

[Don K Dyck]

Well, an entire weekend has come and gone and I've managed not to go see him. Even though he sent me a message telling me to. It's been the longest weekend. But I've made it through one and I'll make it through more. I hate being alone. No one to talk to or be with. Even if he does ignore me except when he wants some, at least I had someone to be near. Now I have no one. But I will survive. I went 4 years with no one before him and once I get used to it again I'll get by 4 more. Or longer.

Wadda ya mean when you say that "now I have no-one"? What about your mates on Lit??

C'mon Kiki . . . from hard experience it is a real bitch being solo, but being solo does not mean you are lonely . . . it means that you choose to make decisions about your life such that at this time you are solo . . . NOT that you will be solo for ever and ever and ever . . .

It takes time for change to happen and you have to work at achieving that change . . . if more people took the necessary time, often hard time, to sort out their own heads before re-entering the relationship market, then I think that there would be many more successful relationships.

Geez, Gil . . . you're gonna have to have words with this lady . . .

 

[Gil_T2]

Wadda ya mean when you say that "now I have no-one"? What about your mates on Lit??

C'mon Kiki . . . from hard experience it is a real bitch being solo, but being solo does not mean you are lonely . . . it means that you choose to make decisions about your life such that at this time you are solo . . . NOT that you will be solo for ever and ever and ever . . .

It takes time for change to happen and you have to work at achieving that change . . . if more people took the necessary time, often hard time, to sort out their own heads before re-entering the relationship market, then I think that there would be many more successful relationships.

Geez, Gil . . . you're gonna have to have words with this lady . . .

KIKI needs to know we are all on her side even though deep down she already does know this she is having doubts about herself because this was such a big step in her life (more of a leap than a step).

KIKI being alone is hard for everyone even those who haven't suffered the abuse you have and being alone is the most miserable time in life APART FROM BEING ABUSED & USED BY SOMEONE who dosen't really care for you only his wants.I haven't been alone as long as you but I do know it well. YOU must now realise that you are desirable & a wonderful lady & YOU
are the one who must take control & try again, there are good men out there they just need to see the YOU we know.

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: Being abused...

Being abused is a never ending cycle of trying to figure out endless questions...what did I do to deserve it, why can't I get out, does it ever end?
I know, I've been there....My first marriage was a nightmare from the get go, he hit me the first time after we had been married only 3 days, I stayed 4 years. Abuse is a cycle, the people who are abusers are sick and need help, though not many of them will admit it. He wouldn't. I contributed to the abuse by staying and not getting help for myself. I finally left after he nearly killed me. My next relationship was just as bad, it was like I attracted these kind of guys. Which, looking back, I did. His abuse was more verbal and finally it came to a head and we ended up in a huge fistfight that nearly got us both arrested. Am I proud? In a way yes, fighting back was stupid, but I felt that I had stood up for myself for a change. I had to change ME before I could expect to find a better, healthy relationship with anyone. I had to get right with myself first. It took some serious therapy, some soul searching to find out what attracted me to guys like that. I was a co-dependent person who relied on others to make me happy.
Now I know that true happiness comes from within, nobody can MAKE you happy, you have to do that yourself.
As for being worthless...noone who has been abused is worthless, you aren't a failure. You're lost right now, and just need a hand to help you get out of the darkness. I've been there, lots of us have, you CAN do it. That first step out the door is the hardest, but you CAN do it...I have faith in you.
I'm now in a healthy relationship with a man who loves me for who I am, who appreciates me and treats me like a queen.
Keep friends around you, don't let anyone seperate you from loved ones...they are your greatest allies and support. There are tons of places to go to get away from an abuser, SWAN is a great place. They will help you in many, many ways, through counseling, help with a lawyer, food, housing, everything.
If you are abused, know that you aren't alone...you just have to reach out and take the helping hand that is being extended to you.

Blessed Be

I'm sorry I/we haven't replied to your post sooner & welcomed you into the thread but things have been running out of control with LIT being out of access & with trying to help KIKI who has had a set back.

Your post has great thought & things we all need to take note of so please return & post here again as we are here for everyone who does come here.

 

[BrownEyes26]

 

[fifi]

How do you help...

I had a friend at school who forced me to non nude sex at my school for nearly twenty years ago.
My friend forced me to sex in the toilets at the school, he said we should pretend we was two niggers who made sex, and I was too afraid to resist.
He was a nice guy anyway, and we had visited each others home where we had a good time, except for the few times when he said he would kill and bury me.
His parents was fine too, and they was not having problems with me.

 

[Alfiesback]

I see from various posts through LIT that so many people have been abused in their relationships HOW as someone who cares do you help them to realise life can and will be better ?

the very first thing you need to do is step back and ask yourself if you are truly trying to comfort them to help them, or if it provides you some sort of benefit. not many people can do this, and accept the reality of their answer at the same time.

 

[Don K Dyck]

Re: How do you help...

I had a friend at school who forced me to non nude sex at my school for nearly twenty years ago.
My friend forced me to sex in the toilets at the school, he said we should pretend we was two niggers who made sex, and I was too afraid to resist.
He was a nice guy anyway, and we had visited each others home where we had a good time, except for the few times when he said he would kill and bury me.
His parents was fine too, and they was not having problems with me.

Hi fifi,

This ounds like a schoolyard teenage liason situation, so my comments are predicated by that assumption.

Firstly, from your post you were forced into this situation and so were an unwilling participant. Therefore you should not feel any guilt about the event. Indeed, anger may be more appropriate. You have every right to say "NO" and for the other party to stop and comply with your request/demand.

Have you worked out how you feel about what happened? You say "He was a nice guy anyway" but nice guys don't have to force themselves on girls/ladies.

Then you comment, "We had a good time EXCEPT when he said that he would kill and bury me" which to a mere male suggests that he was some repressed psycho having unresolved issues of his own possibly relating to abusive/toxic relationships within his own family.

Overall, and only on the basis of your post, to an outsider it would appear that you are better off forgetting the nutter.

How do you heal from such an experience? Forgive yourself for taking part in the liason. As a teenager such "will we get away with it" risk taking sexual behaviour occurs more frequently than society would like to believe. Even adults have been known to use it to enhance the sexcual experience.

Early experiences in sexual activity have a big impact on how we view later relationships. Risk taking sexual behaviour may have a place for couples by their mutual consent. The "thrill" is breaking the social taboo of "doing it in public rather than the darkened bedroom with the lights off and curtains drawn tight".

But does such behaviour in the past necessarily define the participant today? Only if that participant wants it to define them that way. Otherwise the person defines themselves in the manner of their own choosing. If you now choose to define yourself as a loving person, then that is what you will become.

 

[kaoskytton]

Alfiesback, the ability to love someone and not anticipate anything in return, the strength to go without being rewarded, compensated, perhaps even recognized? I think only a few people really appreciate love in this way.

That's right up there with "loving somebody, even if you are not a part of that happiness."

But maybe that's why this is a reptitive thread...

 

[Gil_T2]

the very first thing you need to do is step back and ask yourself if you are truly trying to comfort them to help them, or if it provides you some sort of benefit. not many people can do this, and accept the reality of their answer at the same time.

ALFIE thanks for dropping by but please read more than the very first post then comment as your post is totally stupid & makes you the fool I & many others who have posted here have shown nothing but love & care for those needing help so read the whole thread before adding your next post.

 

[Gil_T2]

FIFI...Thanks for posting here & I think there is little I can ad to DON's reply to you as he is on the mark yet again with his post.

You must take the possitive out of this in that you are the victim & should carry no guilt for what happened.

 

[Alfiesback]

while i certainly understand your point, lashing out with teenage hostility and calling someone stupid over a post is actually quite pathetic. also, never attempt to berate me until you learn what puncutation is for, because the only one looking stupid here is you.

now if you really wish to continue this, feel free to send me a private message so i can show you exactly how far out of your league you are without subjecting the other readers to your ridicule.

 

[Gil_T2]

Alfiesback, the ability to love someone and not anticipate anything in return, the strength to go without being rewarded, compensated, perhaps even recognized? I think only a few people really appreciate love in this way.

That's right up there with "loving somebody, even if you are not a part of that happiness."

But maybe that's why this is a reptitive thread...

KAOSKYTTON... Well said as I 'm sure that this person was our only negative poster & hope our last as this thread was started to only offer help & for no other side rewards.I actually started it to help one lady I had been drawn to by PM's when both of us were at our lowest &both are still here going on with our lives with more psitive feeling for our selves even though we both have had highs & lows which still rattle our being.

The high light for me is seeing many post that their lives are turning to the positive & that they are winning the fight against their own personal DEMONS.

 

[Alfiesback]

as an aside, post count does not equate to intelligence, as you have so aptly demonstrated.

 

[kaoskytton]

"the very first thing you need to do is step back and ask yourself if you are truly trying to comfort them to help them, or if it provides you some sort of benefit. not many people can do this, and accept the reality of their answer at the same time."

Gil, I don't want to step on anyone's toes here. I will be the first to admit that Alfiesback speaks without the fluffy frivolity of Hallmark cards and Maya Angelou. He is one of those brutally candid, wonderfully honest people.

While you compliment me, Gil, I was merely attempting to add to what Alfiesback was saying. Just being a rebound or a shoulder, it's not helpful to you, or to them. And it takes a special kind of person who's able to step back from themselves, look at the situation objectively, and discover what someone needs.

While Alfiesback's answer is quite candid, I don't think it is negative or cruel. I think he is bringing up a very important point; doing goodness for the good of goodness, not personal benefit. If this was such a popular theme, the hero wouldn't always fall in love with the heroine; he wouldn't need to. He would just do it because he was good. But we don't like that kind of ending, as a society. Maybe if we all stepped back and examined our own motives, needs, and desires, we would be able to truthfully examine others and understand that maybe they don't need another crutch, maybe they need a real answer.

 

[kikmosa]

as an aside, post count does not equate to intelligence, as you have so aptly demonstrated.

Ok, enough.

Alfie, if you go back and look at your post you may find that it's worded in such a way that it can be misunderstood by many. I had to read it many times to get the full meaning that I thought you were presenting.

Gil, I think what he was trying to say is that the person helping needs to make sure that he's doing so for the other person and not for his own good. That it has to be totally unselfish. There are those out there that will offer help just to use the situation to help themselves.

Please people, don't let what may be nothing more then a misunderstanding split this thread from it's purpose.

 

[kikmosa]

"the very first thing you need to do is step back and ask yourself if you are truly trying to comfort them to help them, or if it provides you some sort of benefit. not many people can do this, and accept the reality of their answer at the same time."

Gil, I don't want to step on anyone's toes here. I will be the first to admit that Alfiesback speaks without the fluffy frivolity of Hallmark cards and Maya Angelou. He is one of those brutally candid, wonderfully honest people.

While you compliment me, Gil, I was merely attempting to add to what Alfiesback was saying. Just being a rebound or a shoulder, it's not helpful to you, or to them. And it takes a special kind of person who's able to step back from themselves, look at the situation objectively, and discover what someone needs.

While Alfiesback's answer is quite candid, I don't think it is negative or cruel. I think he is bringing up a very important point; doing goodness for the good of goodness, not personal benefit. If this was such a popular theme, the hero wouldn't always fall in love with the heroine; he wouldn't need to. He would just do it because he was good. But we don't like that kind of ending, as a society. Maybe if we all stepped back and examined our own motives, needs, and desires, we would be able to truthfully examine others and understand that maybe they don't need another crutch, maybe they need a real answer.

I fully agree with this. There are people out there that can be hurt trying to help. And others that want to "help" themselves instead.
Gil is one of the ones that wants to help simply because he can't stand to see someone hurting. He cares very deeply. And he's been there too. He understands what we've all been through.

 

[Alfiesback]

if you do not understand something, do not attack it's validity

 

[Bandit58]

originally posted by kikmosa

<snip> Even if he does ignore me except when he wants some, at least I had someone to be near.

*shudder* been there done that My ex would treat me like part of the furniture, except when he wanted sex.......he'd come home after being out on the farm the whole day, eat dinner, watch tv, go to bed......and then when I came to bed I'd get the "signal" and he'd expect me to turn on like a lightswitch. Any wonder that the switch didn't work!! It got so I would try to avoid going to bed.....I would catch up on sleep when I got my period, because he left me alone then.......

Being alone now, I'm free......and the switch has been repaired He blamed me for my lack of response, but I know now that there's absolutely nothing wrong with me. He killed anything I ever felt for him with his possessive attitude and subtle (and not so subtle) putdowns. I stayed for far too long, because I was afraid of being alone, and anything was preferable to that. Now I wonder what I was so afraid of The first thing I felt when I moved out was relief........

 

[kikmosa]

if you do not understand something, do not attack it's validity

But if no one understands then how can it help.

I wasn't attacking the validity. It is a valid point but the way it was worded it could be taken the wrong way. It is not the fault of either, merely a misunderstanding.

 

[Alfiesback]

not you kikmosa

 

[kaoskytton]

But that's just it, Alfiesback, and maybe that's a major part of abusive relationships; misunderstanding, poor recognition.

Something can be beautiful and be terrible. Something can be cold and be loving. The very idea that things are not always what they seem may be how so many good people on flower-trimmed forest paths find themselves in the darkness, surrounded by wolves aching to tear them apart.

Maybe it is stepping back from that situation that makes it so clear to us, where we are. But, Alfiesback, Kikmosa, and most of all, me, we have all been unable to do that, at times. We have all been blind, and we have all been misunderstood.

But attacking each other is never the way. Hate begets hate, and that's not what this post is about. Well, it is, but on the wrong side.

On the contrary, if you fight monsters, so shall you become one, and if you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back at you.

Follow the light and let's get back to the thread!

 

[Gil_T2]

if you do not understand something, do not attack it's validity

VALIDITY is knowing what your talking about not just jumping in on the very first post.

YOU are offencive just by your very first post here as this was start to only find help for someone & to offer help & a kind caring thread for anone wanting to come here.

So don't get off your high horse claiming crap. READ the whole thread before making stupid statements.

 

[Blackbich]

Re: How do you help...

I had a friend at school who forced me to non nude sex at my school for nearly twenty years ago.
My friend forced me to sex in the toilets at the school, he said we should pretend we was two niggers who made sex, and I was too afraid to resist.
He was a nice guy anyway, and we had visited each others home where we had a good time, except for the few times when he said he would kill and bury me.
His parents was fine too, and they was not having problems with me.

Why do I feel confused when I read this post?

If this is a legitimate post, all I can do is reiterate what was said here:

Being abused is a never ending cycle of trying to figure out endless questions...what did I do to deserve it, why can't I get out, does it ever end?
I know, I've been there....My first marriage was a nightmare from the get go, he hit me the first time after we had been married only 3 days, I stayed 4 years. Abuse is a cycle, the people who are abusers are sick and need help, though not many of them will admit it. He wouldn't. I contributed to the abuse by staying and not getting help for myself. I finally left after he nearly killed me. My next relationship was just as bad, it was like I attracted these kind of guys. Which, looking back, I did. His abuse was more verbal and finally it came to a head and we ended up in a huge fistfight that nearly got us both arrested. Am I proud? In a way yes, fighting back was stupid, but I felt that I had stood up for myself for a change. I had to change ME before I could expect to find a better, healthy relationship with anyone. I had to get right with myself first. It took some serious therapy, some soul searching to find out what attracted me to guys like that. I was a co-dependent person who relied on others to make me happy.
Now I know that true happiness comes from within, nobody can MAKE you happy, you have to do that yourself.
As for being worthless...noone who has been abused is worthless, you aren't a failure. You're lost right now, and just need a hand to help you get out of the darkness. I've been there, lots of us have, you CAN do it. That first step out the door is the hardest, but you CAN do it...I have faith in you.
I'm now in a healthy relationship with a man who loves me for who I am, who appreciates me and treats me like a queen.
Keep friends around you, don't let anyone seperate you from loved ones...they are your greatest allies and support. There are tons of places to go to get away from an abuser, SWAN is a great place. They will help you in many, many ways, through counseling, help with a lawyer, food, housing, everything.
If you are abused, know that you aren't alone...you just have to reach out and take the helping hand that is being extended to you.

Blessed Be

Thank you for sharing, blueeyedheartbandit. I don't know how I missed this post. I'm claiming mental deficiency due to my *I'm still here and not going away any time soon* cold.

What you said about I had to change ME before I could expect to find a better, healthy relationship with anyone. I had to get right with myself first. It took some serious therapy, some soul searching to find out what attracted me to guys like that. I was a co-dependent person who relied on others to make me happy.
Now I know that true happiness comes from within, nobody can MAKE you happy, you have to do that yourself is so correct and on the mark. I, for many years, was unable to attract someone who was truly interested in me, it was all about sex and once they got it, they were gone. I finally realized - last year (I never said I was the sharpest knife in the drawer) - that it was me attracting that type of man to me. After all, if my family saw me as being good for just a sex object, where did I get off expecting more from the rest of the world? I had some sort of breakdown/epiphany early last year where I was finally able to see everything in my life clearly. I didn't like what I saw but bad habits are SO hard to change. I congratulate you on getting where you need to be, lady, because it takes strength and courage to do it.

Let me quote it again so that everyone can read it clearly:

[size=large]I had to change ME before I could expect to find a better, healthy relationship with anyone. I had to get right with myself first. It took some serious therapy, some soul searching to find out what attracted me to guys like that. I was a co-dependent person who relied on others to make me happy.
Now I know that true happiness comes from within, nobody can MAKE you happy, you have to do that yourself.[/size]

Well, an entire weekend has come and gone and I've managed not to go see him. Even though he sent me a message telling me to. It's been the longest weekend. But I've made it through one and I'll make it through more. I hate being alone. No one to talk to or be with. Even if he does ignore me except when he wants some, at least I had someone to be near. Now I have no one. But I will survive. I went 4 years with no one before him and once I get used to it again I'll get by 4 more. Or longer.

You're exactly right...you made it through one and it will get easier as each weekend goes by. You are a wonderful lady, kiki, who deserves more than to be used by some ijit who thinks with his pecker. You will get through this and meet a wonderful man who thinks the world of you and will treat you like a queen!!!
I know we can't be there the way you need but we are here for you, my dear.