How do you help someone get over being abused

[Quoll]

That 5' 3" is with shoes on, lol. It's 5' 2.5" without. You can send the flowers anytime you want to. I had the tests and had no reactions to anything. Doc said I was fine. The next morning I was welts from one end to the other. It's happening every two weeks and 24 hours like clockwork. They say that they may never find what I'm reacting to and that it might even be something my own body is producing. Oh joy, even my own body is betraying me now. Kind of makes me wonder if it's worth the effort anymore. I'm ready to just give up.

I put the flowers in my yard, but you were gone so long things got a little bit out of hand, feel free to wander through and pick what you like.


Kiki`s Flowers

You are a wonderful person Kiki, and an inspiration to many, many more than you realise.
You are very much worth the effort, you have been through much worse than this and come out the other side.
Please don`t give up.

 

[Don K Dyck]

This is very hard for me. I have been wanting to post here for awhile. Trying to find the courage. I am ashamed and yes I know that I have no reason to be, but I still am. It is hard to change the way you think after so many, so many years of believing a certain way. I was told that this would be very good therapy for me to post on this thread. I hope they are right, as I trust them to be. I was sexually abused by my father and mental abused and physically abused by my step-father. Only a few people know of this. I have felt very alone in the world until a couple of days ago. I feel very vulnerable right now. Very exposed. But i think I will be okay.

Hi cymbline, welcome to Gil's thread. Congratulations for screwing up the courage to speak out about your situation. That is the first step in the healing process.

Be assured that al the contributors to this thread are supportive. They too have known various forms of abuse in their lives. They too are still in recovery.

Feeling vulnerable is normal, it takes time to let out private "secrets".

The first thing to realise is that you are not responsible for the actions of your father and step-father. It was their decision as adult persons to inflict this abuse upon you.

Know that you will be OK.

Don

 

[cymbline]

Hi cymbline, welcome to Gil's thread. Congratulations for screwing up the courage to speak out about your situation. That is the first step in the healing process.

Be assured that al the contributors to this thread are supportive. They too have known various forms of abuse in their lives. They too are still in recovery.

Feeling vulnerable is normal, it takes time to let out private "secrets".

The first thing to realise is that you are not responsible for the actions of your father and step-father. It was their decision as adult persons to inflict this abuse upon you.

Know that you will be OK.

Don

Thanks for the Welcome Don.

I know I will be okay. One day I will be able to wake up and have these thoughts and feelings be just there. Having control over it instead of it having control over me. When I wake up in the morning and it is not my 3rd or 4th thought of the day, but my 1000th thought and then it really is not a thought, it just there and the emotional attachment is not there or I should say not as strong. I was in therapy many years ago, I was able to manipulate her, so the therapy was not working. And she was not very good. But I have started back and I really like this therapist. I told her that she has to challenge me and push me. So, far so good. I have a lot of negative thoughts about myself that fills my head. And those thoughts I really need to work on changing.

I had a very very bad night a couple of nights ago. It was good for me to have this emotional break down. I may post something about that night later.

 

[Gil_T2]

Thanks for the Welcome Don.

I know I will be okay. One day I will be able to wake up and have these thoughts and feelings be just there. Having control over it instead of it having control over me. When I wake up in the morning and it is not my 3rd or 4th thought of the day, but my 1000th thought and then it really is not a thought, it just there and the emotional attachment is not there or I should say not as strong. I was in therapy many years ago, I was able to manipulate her, so the therapy was not working. And she was not very good. But I have started back and I really like this therapist. I told her that she has to challenge me and push me. So, far so good. I have a lot of negative thoughts about myself that fills my head. And those thoughts I really need to work on changing.

I had a very very bad night a couple of nights ago. It was good for me to have this emotional break down. I may post something about that night later.

I know how bad it can be with a therapist that isn't a good one as after dumping my heart out got told "Your a guy get over it!!!" I stopped going imediately & it took around 10 years for me to even dare a date with a lady again but that is all ancent history as with a lot of help I did get on with risking my heart again & eventually BANDIT & I found each other & I'm happier than I thought possible & we are now well into our second year together & planning our marrage for October at the 4th annual Sydney LIT meet as our LIT friends mean so much to us we decided to include them & the only problem we face is how to include our vanilla friends & family but I'm ranting & raving so will end here.......all i'm pointing is there is hope & never let that hope fade.

 

[Don K Dyck]

Came across this little gem inn Stephen S Covey, Daily Reflections for Highly Effective People,(1994) The Business Library of Information Australia ACN 006-042-173; a companion volume to his The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, (1990, pb) Simon & Schuster, NY.

"I can change. I can live out of my imagination instead of my memory. I can tie myself to my limitless potential instead of my limiting past. I can become my own creator".

The next reading is just as good:

"Once you have a sense of mission, you have the essence of your own proactivity. You have the vision and the values that direct your life. You have the basic direction from which you can set your long and short term goals. You have the power of a written constitution based on correct principles, against which every decision concerning the most effective use of your time, your talents, and your energies can be effectively measured."

 

[Gil_T2]

Came across this little gem inn Stephen S Covey, Daily Reflections for Highly Effective People,(1994) The Business Library of Information Australia ACN 006-042-173; a companion volume to his The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, (1990, pb) Simon & Schuster, NY.

"I can change. I can live out of my imagination instead of my memory. I can tie myself to my limitless potential instead of my limiting past. I can become my own creator".

The next reading is just as good:

"Once you have a sense of mission, you have the essence of your own proactivity. You have the vision and the values that direct your life. You have the basic direction from which you can set your long and short term goals. You have the power of a written constitution based on correct principles, against which every decision concerning the most effective use of your time, your talents, and your energies can be effectively measured."

Don yet another wonderful post here, many thanks for you posts.

 

[Gil_T2]

bump,

Bump,


Bump,


Bump,

And bumping again to keep this thread in sight.

 

[Don K Dyck]

Came across this little gem inn Stephen S Covey, Daily Reflections for Highly Effective People,(1994) The Business Library of Information Australia ACN 006-042-173; a companion volume to his The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, (1990, pb) Simon & Schuster, NY.

"I can change. I can live out of my imagination instead of my memory. I can tie myself to my limitless potential instead of my limiting past. I can become my own creator".

The next reading is just as good:

"Once you have a sense of mission, you have the essence of your own proactivity. You have the vision and the values that direct your life. You have the basic direction from which you can set your long and short term goals. You have the power of a written constitution based on correct principles, against which every decision concerning the most effective use of your time, your talents, and your energies can be effectively measured."

Then:

"An effective goal focuses primarily on RESULTS rather than ACTIVITY. It identifies where you want to be, and, in the process, helps you determine where you are. It gives you important information on how to get there, and it tells you when you have arrived. It unifies your efforts and energy. It gives meaning and purpose to all that you do."

 

[cymbline]

......

 

[Quoll]

I had a revelation this weekend .....

It was not my fault.....was not my fault....not my fault!!!!!!!
There was nothing I could do. I was a helpless child.

I get that now

"THE PROMISE"

As I noticed myself becoming old and gray,

I knew it was time to visit the little girl of yesterday.

She had been kept safely hidden

In a place where others had been forbidden.

She knew I had to leave her long ago,

So one of us could find the strength to grow.

I promised her that I would someday return,

For she was my main concern.

No one could understand how her and I connect,

For I was the one present during the crime and neglect.

As I opened the door to yesterday,

I heard the sound of children happily at play,

But I noticed her sitting all alone and sad

Until our eyes met and she became glad.

We reunited by hugging and kissing one another

Like a beloved daughter and a mother.

I comforted her and dried away her tears

That were too painful for so many years.

As I looked in her small eyes of grey,

I told her that the monster had gone away.

She looked up at me and said,"I love you"

Then I replied, "I love you too".

Someone who cared had finally set her free.

The little girl that I used to be.

 

[Gil_T2]

I had a revelation this weekend .....

It was not my fault.....was not my fault....not my fault!!!!!!!
There was nothing I could do. I was a helpless child.

I get that now

Congratulations on realising that you & ALL abuse victims are NOT at fault....NEVER EVER AT FAULT.

It's so good to see that your making progress & make each day a step better as you are a wonderful person (I don't need to know you personally to make this statement). & know that there are lots of ppl who also know your a valused member of this world.

 

[h_i_s]

Give them time. Give them trust, and time to trust in return. Lend an ear, and know when to remain quiet and just be a good listener. Love them unconditionally, and help them to find their way in understanding that they didn't deserve it, and it wasn't their fault.

 

[Gil_T2]

Give them time. Give them trust, and time to trust in return. Lend an ear, and know when to remain quiet and just be a good listener. Love them unconditionally, and help them to find their way in understanding that they didn't deserve it, and it wasn't their fault.

sinn0cent when I started this thread it was in a desperate effort to help a lady of LIT I was exchanging PMs with who had hit rock bottom & then as others came in posting I & many others just keep offering our love to show them that ppl do care about them & hope we have achieved that.

 

[h_i_s]

sinn0cent when I started this thread it was in a desperate effort to help a lady of LIT I was exchanging PMs with who had hit rock bottom & then as others came in posting I & many others just keep offering our love to show them that ppl do care about them & hope we have achieved that.

Understood.
Many times it serves others well, when it it simply made known to them, that they are not alone, & that somewhere out there, someone else actually 'gives a shit'.

 

[Gil_T2]

Understood.
Many times it serves others well, when it it simply made known to them, that they are not alone, & that somewhere out there, someone else actually 'gives a shit'.

Yes the care shown by so many here is fantastic & most are survivers as well offering help to others which is the most wonderful of all things found here & although the subject matter is sad to see ppl post back with their progress lifts the heart.

 

[Quoll]

Bumping instead of ranting.

 

[Gil_T2]

Bumping instead of ranting.

BUMPING the thread so it can be seen if needed.

 

[RhythmNBlues]

Wow, reading these threads made me cry, not only becasue of the gut wrenching sadness that is displayed, but also because of the incredeble courage and love of everyone encircling this board. I have not been areound abuse myself, but i know it has existed in my family, my mother was a victim of it many times. i'm trying to help out a friend has been abused in a prevoius realtionship, trying to reach out to her, trying to help her. Trying to let her know that i admire her strength of character and i can feel it within everyone of you that have posted here. I am reminded of the first lines of a song:"You can try to lock your heart away" but "Love will come back for you someday" i hope love does come back for everyone, if it hasnt already

 

[Gil_T2]

Wow, reading these threads made me cry, not only becasue of the gut wrenching sadness that is displayed, but also because of the incredeble courage and love of everyone encircling this board. I have not been areound abuse myself, but i know it has existed in my family, my mother was a victim of it many times. i'm trying to help out a friend has been abused in a prevoius realtionship, trying to reach out to her, trying to help her. Trying to let her know that i admire her strength of character and i can feel it within everyone of you that have posted here. I am reminded of the first lines of a song:"You can try to lock your heart away" but "Love will come back for you someday" i hope love does come back for everyone, if it hasnt already

Thanks for posting here & if your friend can be helped by this thread please encourage her to venture in.

Abuse happens in more families than we can imagine sad to say & was accepted not to many years ago as something that kepted behind closed doors but at least it is now being dealt with.

 

[ElvenAngel]

Big Thankyou

I have not been on this thread for about two years
my loss!
But i wanted to return and say thank you
the few posts i made and the encouragement i recieved gave me the courage to go an see someone and i fell so much more confident in myself and about myself
so i just wanted to say thank you to all the lovely lovely people who helped me find the courage to talk.

for everyone
THANK YOU

 

[Bandit58]

I have not been on this thread for about two years
my loss!
But i wanted to return and say thank you
the few posts i made and the encouragement i recieved gave me the courage to go an see someone and i fell so much more confident in myself and about myself
so i just wanted to say thank you to all the lovely lovely people who helped me find the courage to talk.

for everyone
THANK YOU

Hi ElvenAngel, Gil is here with me (we are a couple now) and he says this is what he started the thread for.....THANK YOU for returning and we are both glad to hear that your life is much better these days

 

[sexyjenn]

hello

please forgive me for not reading the entire thread to get an understanding of it all so far but it is incredibly long. I've recently discovered someone close to me has been abused before. She has begun opening up to me about what happened in detail and her feelings about it and everything. She is getting professional help for it and I believe she is actually getting some of the best you can get.

I guess the reason I'm posting here is that I find it very hard to hear about what has happened to her. I want to listen and hear all she has to say as It does mean alot to me that she can open up about this to me but It really hurts me to hear it. I've been crying a lot recently trying to understand how someone could do that to another human being.. especially her of all people. I just don't know how to be around her anymore. I feel very akward and useless, I don't know what to say and when she is having a bad day I feel her pain too and I end up being upset also. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? how did you help your loved one get through it yet keep your own sanity at the same time?

Any help or advise would be appreciated.

Jenn

 

[ElvenAngel]

Hi ElvenAngel, Gil is here with me (we are a couple now) and he says this is what he started the thread for.....THANK YOU for returning and we are both glad to hear that your life is much better these days

thnx
i am happy to hear about you and Gil - i've been reading some of the thread that i missed and for all the help you gave me i hope you both have eternal happiness

 

[Gallant Man]

hello

please forgive me for not reading the entire thread to get an understanding of it all so far but it is incredibly long. I've recently discovered someone close to me has been abused before. She has begun opening up to me about what happened in detail and her feelings about it and everything. She is getting professional help for it and I believe she is actually getting some of the best you can get.

I guess the reason I'm posting here is that I find it very hard to hear about what has happened to her. I want to listen and hear all she has to say as It does mean alot to me that she can open up about this to me but It really hurts me to hear it. I've been crying a lot recently trying to understand how someone could do that to another human being.. especially her of all people. I just don't know how to be around her anymore. I feel very akward and useless, I don't know what to say and when she is having a bad day I feel her pain too and I end up being upset also. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? how did you help your loved one get through it yet keep your own sanity at the same time?

Any help or advise would be appreciated.

Jenn

The process for healing from trauma is to talk about it in a safe environment and relive the feelings to process them. You say you feel useless probably because as most you wish you could fix her, but just listening, comforting her, let her talk it all out then remind her that she is safe and it's over is all you need to do and she should, over time, heal herself. It's not easy and no one would expect you to be her doctor or for it to continue for an extended period. It's a good sign that she's talking about it and your a good friend to help her.

 

[Don K Dyck]

hello

please forgive me for not reading the entire thread to get an understanding of it all so far but it is incredibly long. I've recently discovered someone close to me has been abused before. She has begun opening up to me about what happened in detail and her feelings about it and everything. She is getting professional help for it and I believe she is actually getting some of the best you can get.

I guess the reason I'm posting here is that I find it very hard to hear about what has happened to her. I want to listen and hear all she has to say as It does mean alot to me that she can open up about this to me but It really hurts me to hear it. I've been crying a lot recently trying to understand how someone could do that to another human being.. especially her of all people. I just don't know how to be around her anymore. I feel very akward and useless, I don't know what to say and when she is having a bad day I feel her pain too and I end up being upset also. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? how did you help your loved one get through it yet keep your own sanity at the same time?

Any help or advise would be appreciated.

Jenn

Hi Jenn . . . firstly, you are being a good friend to just "be there" for your friend. Sadly, this thread of Gil's shows just a little of the horrors that some people live through and come up smiling. Such is the human spirit.

Secondly, you cannot do anything to repair your friend's life history, that is past and gone, leaving the present scars. What you can do is listen in a secure place, with patience and understanding, as Gallant says.

It is likely that you will hear things that shock you greatly. You may even hear about the "exploits" of people known to you, who you believe are "pillars of society".

Naturally, you will be affected by these experiences, but also enriched by the seeing your friend come to tersm with the demons of her life, and dispatching them to the oblivion they deserve.

Thirdly, you have become involved in her drama, which is not a good thing because it takes away your objectivity, so reducing your effectiveness as a friend.

This is easy to say from a distance of half a world away when all the intimate details of the particular matter are unknown. But the logic is straight-forward.

If you take her woes on board you become damaged similar to your friend. Now that is not one of the goals. If you find yourself becoming overwhelmed, just make a kind statement and take a break as appropriate. Return with a smile and continue as appropriate.

So, if you cannot think of anything to say, say nothing. Just smile and hold your friend's hand.

When you leave your friend's place, try to leave the emotional rubbish at the front door as you pass through.

If your friend comes to your place and dumps, then at the end of the "session" take the rubbish with you as you accompany them to the door and throw it in the trash can where it belongs. It is not your rubbish, so discard it immediately.

Most of all, know that you are doing a Herculean task for your friend that will enrich your life. It is often said that "When the going gets tough you learn who your friends are". Based on your post above you are being a good friend providing support for a person bravely coming to terms with their shocking past.