How do you help someone get over being abused

[Don K Dyck]

Which brings me ("the supporting partner") back to where my search began. I thought my story was different because I wasn't the victim...but what I've learned so quickly is that indirectly I am.

For a long time I was walking on eggshells because I didn't know how or when to talk to my partner about her abusive past. I was afraid that if I bridged the subject she would pull back even further...so i did not confront the issues...

Big Lesson here folks....don't ignore and don't be afraid to confront the issue with your partner...you are only doing them and yourself more harm.

So last night I confronted my partner with my concerns and told her how I felt. How I've tried to support her but in the end fell victim to her own abuse.

This is what I learned;

She still has nightmares from her past but was afraid to tell me...

She says she is not afraid if I leave her...because she contantly tells herself that "if he leaves, I'll do fine on my own" (I don't think this is true, at least emotionally and she will never begin to heal."

When the subject of counseling came up...she admitted this, "I went to see a counsellor a few times, but I told them what they wanted to hear, I know the theories I know what to say to tell them "I'm okay!"

What I found was a cookie jar full of anger...and there was little room for anything sweet.

She's not okay...but she is aware of where our relationship is at the present. She knows I cannot help mend her wounds but only support her in seeking help and being by her side if she is willing.

So hopefully the healing process has turned in the right direction, for both of us.

In a nut shell, the big thing is Awareness...stay in tune with what's happening in the relationship and don't fall prey to becoming a victim as I did...support as much as you can but remember there is only so much one can do for another....get the issues out in the open and seek additional help if needed.

And sadly, prepare yourself if your partner refuses to accept the support you are able to provide...do what ever is within your power to help but if you're being dragged to the bottom of the sea...you may have to let go

And don't forget...if you are running on empty find support, ask or cry for help.....I did...and I'm much better for it

poet

Hi Poet,

Talking about the past was important for me too.

Have you considered drawing her attention to this thread?

One of the things assault victims wrongly think is that they are the only persons in the whole history of the world who have been in this situation. WRONG!!!

There is never any excuse for physical or emotional abuse . . . ever!!!

 

[lovepoet99]

Hi Poet,

Talking about the past was important for me too.

Have you considered drawing her attention to this thread?

One of the things assault victims wrongly think is that they are the only persons in the whole history of the world who have been in this situation. WRONG!!!

There is never any excuse for physical or emotional abuse . . . ever!!!

In hindsight, I wish I had shared this thread with her. I'm not sure how she would react to the thread I posted, and because both threads are intertwined I'm honesty in fear of what she might think at this moment.

I was originally looking for information that would help me and my SO in our sexual relationship when I stumbled into Lit. Before I knew it...the thought struck me (like a brick) that before our sexual lives could improve we needed to tend to more important things, agree? The longer I strayed from confronting the really important issue...the more I began to understand how other aspects of our relationship will suffer as well.

Do you (or anyone)no of any threads around the topic "introducing your SO to Lit"? It would be interesting to know how many So's share here?

poet

 

[Gil_T2]

Which brings me ("the supporting partner") back to where my search began. I thought my story was different because I wasn't the victim...but what I've learned so quickly is that indirectly I am.

For a long time I was walking on eggshells because I didn't know how or when to talk to my partner about her abusive past. I was afraid that if I bridged the subject she would pull back even further...so i did not confront the issues...

Big Lesson here folks....don't ignore and don't be afraid to confront the issue with your partner...you are only doing them and yourself more harm.

So last night I confronted my partner with my concerns and told her how I felt. How I've tried to support her but in the end fell victim to her own abuse.

This is what I learned;

She still has nightmares from her past but was afraid to tell me...

She says she is not afraid if I leave her...because she contantly tells herself that "if he leaves, I'll do fine on my own" (I don't think this is true, at least emotionally and she will never begin to heal."

When the subject of counseling came up...she admitted this, "I went to see a counsellor a few times, but I told them what they wanted to hear, I know the theories I know what to say to tell them "I'm okay!"

What I found was a cookie jar full of anger...and there was little room for anything sweet.

She's not okay...but she is aware of where our relationship is at the present. She knows I cannot help mend her wounds but only support her in seeking help and being by her side if she is willing.

So hopefully the healing process has turned in the right direction, for both of us.

In a nut shell, the big thing is Awareness...stay in tune with what's happening in the relationship and don't fall prey to becoming a victim as I did...support as much as you can but remember there is only so much one can do for another....get the issues out in the open and seek additional help if needed.

And sadly, prepare yourself if your partner refuses to accept the support you are able to provide...do what ever is within your power to help but if you're being dragged to the bottom of the sea...you may have to let go

And don't forget...if you are running on empty find support, ask or cry for help.....I did...and I'm much better for it

poet

You posted that she:
When the subject of counseling came up...she admitted this, "I went to see a counsellor a few times, but I told them what they wanted to hear, I know the theories I know what to say to tell them "I'm okay!"

This often happens with abused ppl ignore facing the problem & tell them what they want to hear well it is time that facing the truth & not telling them what they want to hear.

 

[Gil_T2]

In hindsight, I wish I had shared this thread with her. I'm not sure how she would react to the thread I posted, and because both threads are intertwined I'm honesty in fear of what she might think at this moment.

I was originally looking for information that would help me and my SO in our sexual relationship when I stumbled into Lit. Before I knew it...the thought struck me (like a brick) that before our sexual lives could improve we needed to tend to more important things, agree? The longer I strayed from confronting the really important issue...the more I began to understand how other aspects of our relationship will suffer as well.

Do you (or anyone)no of any threads around the topic "introducing your SO to Lit"? It would be interesting to know how many So's share here?

poet

POET I could place my self in the SO list as my SO was abused but I too was abused so can look in on both sides.

 

[Don K Dyck]

In hindsight, I wish I had shared this thread with her. I'm not sure how she would react to the thread I posted, and because both threads are intertwined I'm honesty in fear of what she might think at this moment.

I was originally looking for information that would help me and my SO in our sexual relationship when I stumbled into Lit. Before I knew it...the thought struck me (like a brick) that before our sexual lives could improve we needed to tend to more important things, agree? The longer I strayed from confronting the really important issue...the more I began to understand how other aspects of our relationship will suffer as well.

Do you (or anyone)no of any threads around the topic "introducing your SO to Lit"? It would be interesting to know how many So's share here?

poet

Hi Poet,

I see your dilemma . . . but is it real or just perceived?

You are developing an understanding with your partner. At an appropriate unstressed moment, mention to her that you have found this group of nutters on the web who know a little about abuse from first-hand experience. Itr wiould probably be diplomatic to mention that you posted on one of the threads.

Then introduce her to Lit via one of the How to Board threads . . . Mr G's Try This and Report Back is a good one . . . guaranteed to stimulate interest and the juices, I'm thinking. Then just have this thread among your regulars and talk about all the different things that can be found on Lit . . . curiosity will do the rest . . .

But don't live in fear . . . THAT is the worst thing that you can do because it reinforces the guilt. Your motives were good and sound . . . seeking a solution to a major problem in your relationship . . . there is nothing in that motive to cause any fear . . .

 

[lovepoet99]

You posted that she:
When the subject of counseling came up...she admitted this, "I went to see a counsellor a few times, but I told them what they wanted to hear, I know the theories I know what to say to tell them "I'm okay!"

This often happens with abused ppl ignore facing the problem & tell them what they want to hear well it is time that facing the truth & not telling them what they want to hear.

Gil_T2,

you're right on this one. Indirectly, my work involves counseling, but in a very different environment. The point is, ppl will not disclose when they are not ready to admit there's a problem, or allow their pride to permit them to say "no, I'm not okay"

Now that my SO has disclosed some of the events I think it will be easier for us to move forward into a professional environment for further assistance. I believe that once this happens and I can accompany her into a counseling session(s), she will be able to let her guard down and say it how it is (and was).

thanks for your comments.

Poet

 

[lovepoet99]

Hi Poet,

I see your dilemma . . . but is it real or just perceived?

You are developing an understanding with your partner. At an appropriate unstressed moment, mention to her that you have found this group of nutters on the web who know a little about abuse from first-hand experience. Itr wiould probably be diplomatic to mention that you posted on one of the threads.

Then introduce her to Lit via one of the How to Board threads . . . Mr G's Try This and Report Back is a good one . . . guaranteed to stimulate interest and the juices, I'm thinking. Then just have this thread among your regulars and talk about all the different things that can be found on Lit . . . curiosity will do the rest . . .

But don't live in fear . . . THAT is the worst thing that you can do because it reinforces the guilt. Your motives were good and sound . . . seeking a solution to a major problem in your relationship . . . there is nothing in that motive to cause any fear . . .

Lately, she's been quite curious as to my time at the computer. So last night when I could see her curiousity rising I explained to her that I've been using the web to look for information that will help us develop and strenthen our relationship, in all areas. I didn't introduce her to Lit yet, but in time I will.

Your thread "Try This and Report Back", been there and I will definitely be sharing this with her...she does have the curiosity to explore new things, my fear is only in sharing some of "her" details in my thread and this one. I think once I explain the "cloak-and-daggar" elements of Lit she will see the benefits

I look forward to introducing her...

appreciate your comments

Poet

 

[Don K Dyck]

Lately, she's been quite curious as to my time at the computer. So last night when I could see her curiousity rising I explained to her that I've been using the web to look for information that will help us develop and strenthen our relationship, in all areas. I didn't introduce her to Lit yet, but in time I will.

Your thread "Try This and Report Back", been there and I will definitely be sharing this with her...she does have the curiosity to explore new things, my fear is only in sharing some of "her" details in my thread and this one. I think once I explain the "cloak-and-daggar" elements of Lit she will see the benefits

I look forward to introducing her...

appreciate your comments

Poet

Hi Poet,

Have just read the other thread and agree that Bobmi makes very good sense, as do all the other considered contributions.

You must be aware that "victims" of abuse can become "abusers" themselves. Indeed, they are often worse abusers than their own abusers. And "victims" can be very demanding because of their inherent insecurities. Supporting them can be very emotionally draining, to the point of dryness.

From your other thread I think you may have reached this point. It is time to look after Number One, yourself. The well is dry and needs replenishing before further support of your partner will be possible.

Then there is the "tough love" approach proposed on the other thread. This is excellent because a person has to take responsibility for their own life, and this includes YOU.

If the relationship has become one way traffic out, it is time to evaluate the merits of the relationship. Maybe, despite your best intentions, you have done everything possible. But then ego gets in the way and we refuse to be detached and objective because we are too close emotionally and have invested so much emotionally in the (?failing?) relationship.

The biggest difficulty is when you get sucked into the chaos of their lives and become a generating part of that chaos . . . then it is definitely time to leave . . . regardless . . . because it has then become self- preservation . . .

 

[lovepoet99]

Hi Poet,

Have just read the other thread and agree that Bobmi makes very good sense, as do all the other considered contributions.

You must be aware that "victims" of abuse can become "abusers" themselves. Indeed, they are often worse abusers than their own abusers. And "victims" can be very demanding because of their inherent insecurities. Supporting them can be very emotionally draining, to the point of dryness.

From your other thread I think you may have reached this point. It is time to look after Number One, yourself. The well is dry and needs replenishing before further support of your partner will be possible.

Then there is the "tough love" approach proposed on the other thread. This is excellent because a person has to take responsibility for their own life, and this includes YOU.

If the relationship has become one way traffic out, it is time to evaluate the merits of the relationship. Maybe, despite your best intentions, you have done everything possible. But then ego gets in the way and we refuse to be detached and objective because we are too close emotionally and have invested so much emotionally in the (?failing?) relationship.

The biggest difficulty is when you get sucked into the chaos of their lives and become a generating part of that chaos . . . then it is definitely time to leave . . . regardless . . . because it has then become self- preservation . . .

Your right on the money...Don K Dyck, as are many of the other contributors in both threads.

The trigger for me was stumbling into Lit and winding my way into Gil_T2's thread...the stories and the support offered were incredible. And it made me aware of my own situation...

For me...and my SO, time will tell. Right now things are calm after our talk and soon we will take the next step forward into counseling.

With all the great advice from everyone here I have begun to re-establish ties with some friends....and I am back to my regular walks along the beautiful beaches in Vancouver....where I had forgotten myself...and my muse.

I am very familiar with the self-preservation point...and I have no fear of making the right decisions when necessary. What I needed was to find the strength and a greater awareness of my situation...the un-expected support here!!, well I can't say enough thanks to all!!

poet

 

[Gil_T2]

Your right on the money...Don K Dyck, as are many of the other contributors in both threads.

The trigger for me was stumbling into Lit and winding my way into Gil_T2's thread...the stories and the support offered were incredible. And it made me aware of my own situation...

For me...and my SO, time will tell. Right now things are calm after our talk and soon we will take the next step forward into counseling.

With all the great advice from everyone here I have begun to re-establish ties with some friends....and I am back to my regular walks along the beautiful beaches in Vancouver....where I had forgotten myself...and my muse.

I am very familiar with the self-preservation point...and I have no fear of making the right decisions when necessary. What I needed was to find the strength and a greater awareness of my situation...the un-expected support here!!, well I can't say enough thanks to all!!

poet

POET there is no need for thanks as we do it because we care but it is welcome to see.

 

[Don K Dyck]

BUMP!!

 

[Gil_T2]

BUMP!!

Ho Ho Ho BUMP

 

[shadow_dreamer]

BUMPETY, BUMPETY, BUMP!!!! WISHING EVERYONE A...

VERY, VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

 

[Gil_T2]

BUMPETY, BUMPETY, BUMP!!!! WISHING EVERYONE A...

VERY, VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

Thanks for the BUMP & seasons wishes SD & hope you season is full of joy.

 

[Bandit58]

Helping to bump the thread.....sometimes the holidays can bring out the worst in people Keeping it in view so people can find us if they need us, Gil or I will be around at some stage I am sure.

This thread is kinda special, despite the things it deals with, because it helped bring Gil and I together. Next month we will celebrate one year together as a couple. I am having to fly back to NZ next week because my father is ill again, and the way things stand he will have to go into a nursing home, because his health has deteriorated to the extent that mum cannot take care of him. I will be away for a couple of weeks, possibly a little more, and I am taking the chance to visit my kids and some old friends while I am there. I will have net access at my brother's, so will be able to pop in and check messages etc.

Hoping you and yours have a wonderful Christmas and enjoy the holidays

 

[BrownEyes26]

Just wanted to drop in and wish all visitors to this thread and forum a very Happy Holiday season....xxoo
BE26

 

[Gil_T2]

Just wanted to drop in and wish all visitors to this thread and forum a very Happy Holiday season....xxoo
BE26

Hi BROWNEYES & all who lurk as well, We have a thread on the playground with our christmas wishes to ALL on LIT so please drop by & post.


https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=300780

 

[Monazwx]

Giving this thread the "Merry Christmas" BUMP to those in need.

Happy Holidays all.

 

[TigerClaw]

......

 

[Bobmi357]

I'm bumping this because lit only shows four pages of how to, and I couldn't find this thread in any of the four pages.

 

[Bobmi357]

Why can I not show an abused woman that I love her. In general. From what I have come across it is as simple as they dont believe it or acknowledge it. Not for them anyway. For another woman yes, but not for them.

So, how is it that these women can explain to me how they see things and what happened to me but I can not do the reverse. I can not show them that they can find a man who loves them?

It all boils down to self esteem and self image.

Its not uncommon for the person being abused to start to believe the put downs and ego shattering comments from the abuser. Eventually they get to the point where you can tell them you love them and their thinking "He's lying, no one can love someone as crappy as me!".

Personally I think that everyone thats been abused to that point cannot be told that someone loves them until they can rebuild their own self esteem up to where it should be.

 

[TigerClaw]

......

 

[Gil_T2]

I am going to have to sit down and read this whole thread I fear.

So, please forgive if this has been touched.

I have met a number of women who have helped and shown me how an abused woman could do what she did, is doing and how she saw/sees me.

Why can I not show an abused woman that I love her. In general. From what I have come across it is as simple as they dont believe it or acknowledge it. Not for them anyway. For another woman yes, but not for them.

So, how is it that these women can explain to me how they see things and what happened to me but I can not do the reverse. I can not show them that they can find a man who loves them?

This thread has many sad posts but you will note that ppl do find hope & even start helping others who pop in looking for help & help is the main thing we offer but also offer a shoulder & an ear to listen, EVERYONE is welcome & if you would rather PM or email just do that, there are no professionals only ppl who have been through the riggors of abuse either in their own life or of their partners experiences.

 

[Gil_T2]

It all boils down to self esteem and self image.

Its not uncommon for the person being abused to start to believe the put downs and ego shattering comments from the abuser. Eventually they get to the point where you can tell them you love them and their thinking "He's lying, no one can love someone as crappy as me!".

Personally I think that everyone thats been abused to that point cannot be told that someone loves them until they can rebuild their own self esteem up to where it should be.

BANDIT & I are deeply in love but both still keep hearing the voices of the past with their doubts & although we both know thins isn't a worry with us it's still there.

I'm sure there is a limit that ppl who care can go with the ability of an abused person only GOOD professional help MUST be found & used being open & honest, I say GOOD PRO help as I had a psycholiogist who after going through my horrors said your a guy get over it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! which isn't whant any abused person needs so it took me around 10 years to even try dating again, now all that is history as my life even though the self doubt creeps in, I know love can be found & I can again let ppl into my heart without fear.

 

[TigerClaw]

......