how do u explain to people???

[subgrl18]

i was just wondering how people explain to people they are close to like family and close friends about BDSM... whenever i jokingly bring it up to my mother she acts like its horrible...or discusting or something... i know its just cause she doesnt understand... i was just wondering if anyone had any idea or ways that they let people know about their lifestyle... i know its not bragging about it or anything i dont mean that.. thanks alot

 

[BiBunny]

Personally, I don't think it's anyone's business what I do in my personal relationships. I don't feel the need to confess anything to anyone, especially not my family. Of course, I like to think that my parents only had sex once (resulting in me), and that was all. I'm sure they'd like to think something similar about me, too. You don't owe an explanation to anybody about your personal life.

But, if you really feel like you have to tell someone, I'm sure there are plenty of other people who can give you advice on how to do it.

*Slinks away from the thread after this useless response that didn't even answer the question*

 

[CutieMouse]

I don't. I can't imagine a situation in which family or friends would need to understand something that I consider to be a very personal thing... My best friend knows a lot about me, and knows enough to know I have certain intersts. She doesn't understand them, any more than I understand certain personal activites she engages in. We Love each other, don't judge, and don't discuss details of things that are better left private. *shrug*

I'm not meaning to bag on anyone who is "out" or anything, but I honest to goddess do not understand the need to let people know, or discuss such things.

 

[subgrl18]

thank you both...and BiBunny ur post did help thanks!

 

[D's mariposa]

I don't. My family knows that I'm a bit more committed to Himself than most women would want to be and find it sweet, but they're happy that I'm happy. It's really none of their business. I don't want to know the intimacies of their lives with their spouses (or significants) either.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

janey and I are out about our relationship... We don't hide the fact that we're into SM or M/s from those we are close to.

But neither do we trumpet that information from the rooftops.

No one needs to know the details and we certainly aren't bringing up the subject around the nieces and nephews and minor cousins, etc. She calls me Sir around everyone and that's about as much information as the public really needs to know.

If you really feel a burning need to address more detailed information about the lifestyle with vanilla family and friends, and excellent resource to use is the book:

When Someone You Love Is Kinky by Dossie Easton & Catherine A. Liszt, available from Greenery Press

Hope that helps!

 

[Inconsequential]

i was just wondering how people explain to people they are close to like family and close friends about BDSM... whenever i jokingly bring it up to my mother she acts like its horrible...or discusting or something... i know its just cause she doesnt understand... i was just wondering if anyone had any idea or ways that they let people know about their lifestyle... i know its not bragging about it or anything i dont mean that.. thanks alot

There are a hundred and one books that are on the subject but the one I love best is "When someone you love is kinky". It gives easy ideas to bringing up the subject in a safe environment for all people. And it gives really good ideas on how to explain the lifestyle in it's different forms, whether you're going just part time, only in the bedroom, or if you're full blown 24/7 in the lifestyle. I recommend checking it out. Good luck. it's never an easy discussion, but once you've had it they've had time to accept you and you're able to be true with yourself and your friends, life opens soo many doors!

 

[Betticus]

i was just wondering how people explain to people they are close to like family and close friends about BDSM... whenever i jokingly bring it up to my mother she acts like its horrible...or discusting or something... i know its just cause she doesnt understand... i was just wondering if anyone had any idea or ways that they let people know about their lifestyle... i know its not bragging about it or anything i dont mean that.. thanks alot

No matter what you do, how you approach it or how much you want to be understood and accepted your family probably won't completely understand. They might from a purely intellectual level while not feeling it at all.

If I ever were to tell my family they would probably think i'm some kind of antichrist. I consider it more like shielding them from the big, bad world when I don't tell them.

 

[the captians wench]

I don't do anything special really.

My mom and I talked a lot when I first started hanging out more with friends from the costume shop (they introduced me to BDSM). We talked about why I want to persue this life, and why I would want some one incharge of me.

She doesn't understand completely, but she's open minded enough that she trusts I'm doing something that makes me happy. Which really is obvious if you knew me before and after.

I do wear my collar to family things a lot. And for the most part they just pass it off as a youngin's fashion choice. But there was one time I got a bit of a peak into my great grandmother's knowledge of the world.

I was sitting beside her, she looks at me, then looks at me again, harder this time. Then she looked up at my grand pa and asked "who has her locked up so tight". Then she gave me that look like "I know what that means". *giggles* Who knew my 80 year old great grandma was kinky.

 

[catalina_francisco]

This is just something I wouldn't be discussing with my mother. She has a difficult enough time acknowledging sex exists and can be anything but horrible, degrading and disgusting. She has seen my collar, she knows she just about faded with vapours when she realised I actually was going to marry a man from 16,000kms away who I had never met in person until 2 weeks before the wedding day, she knows he is the best thing that ever happened in my life, she knows he is not perfect just as I am not, and she knows I seem to extend myself to the edge and then some for him.....she doesn't want to know more because in her eyes he is a saint to have taken my son and I on and provide us with a secure and happy life...she wouldn't want to chance knowing something which could upset that image for her.

My children on the other hand I raised in a very open way where they were used to mixing with people who were not your average mainstream heterosexual Jones's and to know sex was a part of life which could be very fulfilling and loving, so they are aware of the type relationship I am in. My son lives with us, has seen the cage in our bedroom, the ropes hanging off the wall, the whips and floggers close at hand, and watched me make canes, but he doesn't encourage any in depth explanations beyond that, may have a cheeky grin when he sees some of those things or I have to move them when he is helping me do something....but beyond that he just does not want to know. My daughter has no problem discussing it and often asks me for advice on her own ventures into D/s both personally and professionally, and has a giggle with me about various lifetsyle things we might talk about. She is also an excellent resource for product type websites she ferrets out in her own explorations for things she wants or is interested in.

There have been times in the past when the discussion of BDSM came up in a vanilla setting with people who were not involved in the lifestyle. For the most part I didn't have a lot to say unless they began sprouting huge misinformation to someone else which painted the lifestyle in a negative and abusive light....those are times I can never keep my mouth shut about whatever the issue. I did it as sensitively as possible, and usually because I felt they were not the type people you really wanted knowing your personal choices, I approached it from a purely knowledge standoint where I presented and discussed facts more so than sensationalised details which would only fuel their deviant theories. Overall It is only our business and unless someone asks and wants to understand, we don't go into it.

Catalina

 

[subgrl18]

thank you all

thank you all very much! you have all been so helpful and i agree that what they know will be to a minimum. i apreiciate you all giving me advice