How do I....?

[tenchikoi]

I seem to be having man problems lately. I've made a promise to myself within the last few months that I would be open and honest with any men I meet that could develop into something more. I tell them up front that I don't mess with married men (or women), I'm not looking for a fling, or a one night stand, or a FWB situation. I want a real relationship, not something secretive or unsavory. They never seem to want to talk to me after that. Should I just lie about what I want? Or do some men find strong women that know exactly what they want unattractive for some reason? I would rather be single forever than change what I want just to have a man in my life.

 

[Reba67]

Uh, don't be so up front at first? That's all I can suggest. You're meeting a guy for a first date and you're saying you want commitment? Maybe just mention that you're not wanting to hook up with a married man and leave it at that for starters.

 

[coastal-boy]

you're saying all that on the first date? I wouldn't call back either. It is fine to have those goals, and you don't have to lie...only one matters on the first date (is he married). The rest of them can be solved by a smile and a polite no. If he asks why not...THEN you speak up.

 

[SweetErika]

When and how are you telling them this?

Where are you generally meeting these men (online, in bars, through hobbies, at random places, etc.)? If it's online, is it through a dating site that has a lot of people looking for more serious relationships, or somewhere like here? Are you on one site/one type of site, or multiple sites?

Do these men fit a certain pattern, e.g. agewise, in the way they act initially, personality traits...?

I don't think you should lie or change what you want. I do think you need to be patient and may have to look for different types of men or men in different places and/or change the way you tell them what you're looking for.

 

[human_male]

There are plenty of men who want a serious relationship. Maybe it's the type of guys you're going for. Or maybe they they think because you're so adamant about it so early on, that there's going to be no hanky panky of any kind until way, way down the line. And even if they say they don't just want sex, they do actually want it at some point.

I don't think you have to be dishonest. But don't say it unless you mean it. I met someone online and she told me early on, gave me a little lecture actually, that she had just come out of a relationship and wasn't looking for anything physical. I said fine, we'll just be friends. And in the couple of months I chatted with her she met and fucked three different guys. You can imagine how that made me feel.

Anyway, good luck to you.

 

[tenchikoi]

Uh, don't be so up front at first? That's all I can suggest. You're meeting a guy for a first date and you're saying you want commitment? Maybe just mention that you're not wanting to hook up with a married man and leave it at that for starters.

I only tell them that when they ask me what I want/expect from the relationship. Not on a first date.

 

[tenchikoi]

you're saying all that on the first date? I wouldn't call back either. It is fine to have those goals, and you don't have to lie...only one matters on the first date (is he married). The rest of them can be solved by a smile and a polite no. If he asks why not...THEN you speak up.

Never on a first date. Only when we get to the point where we both feel that a relationship could be possible and the guys always ask what I expect from it.

 

[tenchikoi]

When and how are you telling them this?

Where are you generally meeting these men (online, in bars, through hobbies, at random places, etc.)? If it's online, is it through a dating site that has a lot of people looking for more serious relationships, or somewhere like here? Are you on one site/one type of site, or multiple sites?

Do these men fit a certain pattern, e.g. agewise, in the way they act initially, personality traits...?

I don't think you should lie or change what you want. I do think you need to be patient and may have to look for different types of men or men in different places and/or change the way you tell them what you're looking for.

I meet guys in all kinds of place, but I don't do bars or clubs. I'm only a member of one dating site and I've met the most dishonest, flaky men there. I don't tell them what I want until they ask. It's usually after a few dates and we decide if we want to take it further. I usually try to date men around my age, but they're either married and looking to fool around or divorced with kids and just want a play mate. Which isn't what I want at all. So when they ask, I'm honest. Simple as that.

 

[Bollocks_Bitch]

Never on a first date. Only when we get to the point where we both feel that a relationship could be possible and the guys always ask what I expect from it.

Well then maybe you aren't saying it correctly. Perhaps you are being too aggressive or rather I should say 'passionate' about it.

 

[tenchikoi]

There are plenty of men who want a serious relationship. Maybe it's the type of guys you're going for. Or maybe they they think because you're so adamant about it so early on, that there's going to be no hanky panky of any kind until way, way down the line. And even if they say they don't just want sex, they do actually want it at some point.

I don't think you have to be dishonest. But don't say it unless you mean it. I met someone online and she told me early on, gave me a little lecture actually, that she had just come out of a relationship and wasn't looking for anything physical. I said fine, we'll just be friends. And in the couple of months I chatted with her she met and fucked three different guys. You can imagine how that made me feel.

Anyway, good luck to you.

I've dated a lot of different guys of varying races and backgrounds. But one consistent thing with them all has been that they ask for sex when we haven't even been out that long. One guy wanted to sleep with me after the second date. It really puts me off because to me that says I don't respect you as a person and just want sex. At least I've had the good sense to say no to all of them so far. I don't want to be used or misled just because a guy is looking to get lucky.

 

[tenchikoi]

Well then maybe you aren't saying it correctly. Perhaps you are being too aggressive or rather I should say 'passionate' about it.

Actually, I wait until they say what they want first from me. Then I calmly, but nicely, tell them what I want. They just don't seem to mesh. I have good communication skills and I know I'm getting my point across just fine.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Actually, I wait until they say what they want first from me. Then I calmly, but nicely, tell them what I want. They just don't seem to mesh. I have good communication skills and I know I'm getting my point across just fine.

It doesn't sound to me like you're doing anything wrong. You're not confrontational and you're sticking to your guns about what you're looking for. I'm sure that given a little more time you'll find someone who completely agrees with you and then you can see how things progress. A lot of guys aren't prepared to put the effort in or place their eggs in one basket when there are so many women today who also want to play the field. It's better that these men cut and run rather than pretend they want the same things just so they're a step closer to getting in your panties. I say stick to your guns and wait it out. The guy you eventually find will be more than worth all this hassle.

 

[cloudy]

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but most of the time, if you're having the same problem with many different people (i.e. guys), then the problem lies with you, and not with them.

Perhaps you're choosing the wrong men to seek a relationship with.

 

[Zoots_owner]

It doesn't sound to me like you're doing anything wrong... I say stick to your guns and wait it out. The guy you eventually find will be more than worth all this hassle.

I have to agree.

A lot of people think that just because they're on the Internet, they get to lose their RL identity and be selfish and irresponsible. Like it's some alternate reality or something. I think you're totally right to not put up with it.

Maybe your profiles could benefit from some hints, like "if you're married, I'm not interested."

 

[sugarisnice]

There's a good reason to be honest and up front: You prevent yourself from getting in too deep where and ending could hurt more than the two primary people. Getting involved with a married person is letting that person lie to their spouse and potentially lie to you.

 

[coastal-boy]

Never on a first date. Only when we get to the point where we both feel that a relationship could be possible and the guys always ask what I expect from it.

then as far as I'm concerned it is OK you speak your mind

 

[emap]

Your doing that fine, I mean dang if a guy cuts and runs after three dates when you say you want a relationship, it's not a problem with how you said it, it is a problem with your dating pool.

Not every guy of course, just the ones you go on dates with. Perhaps you should reassess your choices in guys you go on dates with. I had a different problem, though same sort of guys I think, I would go out with guys I found attractive and would sleep with them often. Which was great, except they wanted something I'm not, not always that great of sex either.

You need to sit down, figure out why you are going on dates with the guys you are going on dates with. An expert may be a good idea for this, one of the dating books perhaps.

 

[infinity706]

I've dated a lot of different guys of varying races and backgrounds. But one consistent thing with them all has been that they ask for sex when we haven't even been out that long. One guy wanted to sleep with me after the second date. It really puts me off because to me that says I don't respect you as a person and just want sex. At least I've had the good sense to say no to all of them so far. I don't want to be used or misled just because a guy is looking to get lucky.

Well, if guys asking for sex is a major concern, maybe you don't want to date guys at all. Most guys are going to ask within the first few dates and if they don't chances are they're not really going to care enough to actually be worth fucking. Afterall, if you're here on literotica, you probably do expect to get them into your bed at some point, too.

Now, as far as the commitment thing, that's perfectly fine. I'm sure there are plenty of guys out there that would be willing to possibly pursue a long term relationship. To be honest, though, you might seriously want to consider fucking them before you get to the point of being too, too serious. If sex is an important relationship component to you, it would be good to know before you get to the point of multiple posters here, some of which, even get married and then get upset.

 

[LegsApart]

I think u scare them away with pointing out that u want a relationship...

 

[tenchikoi]

Well, if guys asking for sex is a major concern, maybe you don't want to date guys at all. Most guys are going to ask within the first few dates and if they don't chances are they're not really going to care enough to actually be worth fucking. Afterall, if you're here on literotica, you probably do expect to get them into your bed at some point, too.

Now, as far as the commitment thing, that's perfectly fine. I'm sure there are plenty of guys out there that would be willing to possibly pursue a long term relationship. To be honest, though, you might seriously want to consider fucking them before you get to the point of being too, too serious. If sex is an important relationship component to you, it would be good to know before you get to the point of multiple posters here, some of which, even get married and then get upset.

I'm really not morally okay with having sex with a man that isn't my husband. It's just how I was raised and is a very important part of me. I'm not ever going to compromise that.

 

[tenchikoi]

Your doing that fine, I mean dang if a guy cuts and runs after three dates when you say you want a relationship, it's not a problem with how you said it, it is a problem with your dating pool.

Not every guy of course, just the ones you go on dates with. Perhaps you should reassess your choices in guys you go on dates with. I had a different problem, though same sort of guys I think, I would go out with guys I found attractive and would sleep with them often. Which was great, except they wanted something I'm not, not always that great of sex either.

You need to sit down, figure out why you are going on dates with the guys you are going on dates with. An expert may be a good idea for this, one of the dating books perhaps.

Most of the guys I go out with are successful, independent, and stable. The oldest guy I've gone out with was 42, he was a trial lawyer and he said most guys don't like the idea of being committed to just one woman. They feel trapped and eventually get bored with sex with the same person. I'm sure not all guys are like that, but I've yet to meet one that agrees with my views or personal choices for a relationship.

 

[tenchikoi]

I have to agree.

A lot of people think that just because they're on the Internet, they get to lose their RL identity and be selfish and irresponsible. Like it's some alternate reality or something. I think you're totally right to not put up with it.

Maybe your profiles could benefit from some hints, like "if you're married, I'm not interested."

Actually, on my profile I put exactly what I'm looking for. But I still get guys that are just looking to mess around and think they can change my mind about what I want. Not happening.

 

[tenchikoi]

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but most of the time, if you're having the same problem with many different people (i.e. guys), then the problem lies with you, and not with them.

Perhaps you're choosing the wrong men to seek a relationship with.

I don't consider it a problem that I choose to stand by my values and seek a man with similar views. If the men I meet don't agree with me then it's their loss. I'm not losing any sleep over them.

 

[Noor]

Some observations:

Its better to not be involved than to find out 6 months down the road that the person you thought was a friend and a sex partner, really wasn't a friend at all.

The variety of men seems to be the same regardless of where you met them.

Many men seem to prefer women who are mean and aren't nice to them, they complain about it, but they still want them. Maybe its a competitive, wanting what you can't have thing, I don't know.

When someone tells you the horrible things their ex has done, how their ex hates them and/ or won't speak to them, realize that though you can't imagine how it could possibly happen, you will, eventually.
At first, you will think how could anyone feel this way about them? Then you understand how it could get to that point but you'd never let it happen, next you understand it exactly, and you start wondering if their ex isn't really a saint to have let them live.

 

[Noor]

Lately I have had this Dangerous Beauty quote running through my mind:

"In order to choose your lovers wisely, you need to understand men. No matter their shape or size... position or wealth... they all dream of the temptress. The irresistible... unapproachable Venus... who quickly turns pliable maiden when they've had a hard day."