How Do I tell my girlfriend that I'm Bisexual ?

[MatthewMarcus2099]

Hello, there. My name is Matt and I am a guy living in New York. I've been seeing this woman named Melissa for 4 years now. She's 5 years older than I am but we're great together. I've had sexual encounters with a lot of men and a few women in my days and I've enjoyed all of it. This is my first truly serious relationship with a woman. I lived with a guy for 2 years before I met my current lady. I'm a cop and she's a firefighter. We've been living together for a while. Melissa has admitted to me that she did sexual things with a girl in her teens but has been straight throughout adulthood.
She's also very conservative. I'm not quite sure if I should tell her that I am bi. Our relationship is open, sometimes. She has had a thing with a carpenter named Bruno once and I was okay with it.
My sole sexual encounter outside of our relationship has been with Erica, one of the detectives I work with. Other than that, I'm monogamous. The reason why I'm pressing this is because there's a guy named Adam whom I like. Adam is married and bi. His wife is bi too and they're kind of swingers. I wish me and Melissa could have the same kind of relationship.


Do you think it's possible ?

 

[wild175133]

Hello, there. My name is Matt and I am a guy living in New York. I've been seeing this woman named Melissa for 4 years now. She's 5 years older than I am but we're great together. I've had sexual encounters with a lot of men and a few women in my days and I've enjoyed all of it. This is my first truly serious relationship with a woman. I lived with a guy for 2 years before I met my current lady. I'm a cop and she's a firefighter. We've been living together for a while. Melissa has admitted to me that she did sexual things with a girl in her teens but has been straight throughout adulthood.
She's also very conservative. I'm not quite sure if I should tell her that I am bi. Our relationship is open, sometimes. She has had a thing with a carpenter named Bruno once and I was okay with it.
My sole sexual encounter outside of our relationship has been with Erica, one of the detectives I work with. Other than that, I'm monogamous. The reason why I'm pressing this is because there's a guy named Adam whom I like. Adam is married and bi. His wife is bi too and they're kind of swingers. I wish me and Melissa could have the same kind of relationship.


Do you think it's possible ?

From what you say I would doubt it. I think the best you can hope for right now is an open relationship. That being said you should tell her you are bi. The way you sound this is something that is not going to go away. Although I bet there are times you wish it would or you wish you were different from what you are. Your first step is accepting yourself for who and what you are. The second step is that you have to like and love yourself. This also mean you have to respect yourself the way you respect others. That means you have to be honest with yourself above all else.

Now for the hard part there is no easy way to tell some one you have been in a long term relationship with your bi. Maybe you should start off by telling her how much you love her and how much she means to you but there is something she should know before the relationships progresses any further (ie marriege family and kids) The second step is answering all of her questions truthfully and honestly be prepared she may ask some graphic questions about your past and how you feel about men. Again you have to answer these questions honestly with her. Then be prepared for the fall out which may range from total accpeptance of you adn your sexuallity to out right rejection

 

[Guest]

Hello, there. My name is Matt and I am a guy living in New York.
Do you think it's possible ?

You are asking for advice, so here's mine, for what it's worth.

I've been married to my bi husband for 12 years. I knew before we ever discussed marriage. I knew before we ever kissed. It was a factor in my being attracted to him, but it's caused problems, too. I am not bi and don't really feel called to it (tried it, it's ok, just not my thing).

First issue is how you interpret your relationship and how being bi affects it. There's one thing that my husand and I agreed to before marriage -- being bi is not a reason to not be monogamous. If you have AGREED to be monogamous, that's it. We decided that was the only way we could make it work. No outside nookie, because that's what monogamous means. It's one of those arguments we've had with a lot of people who say things like "Well, doesn't he miss cock?" and assorted (He says "No, my wife has three bigger than yours and they never goes soft'). Parts is parts and it makes no difference -- if that is how the relationship is constructed. If yours is open, then that isn't a factor.

I think you are long overdue for the conversation, especially feeling as you do. There's no knowing her reaction, but there's a strong chance she either already suspects or she will eventually find out, especially if you have an open relationship. Be careful about how you put it, though. Don't make this other relationship you are fantisizing about the issue, or make it a deal-breaker. Make sure that's separate, or she might feel pressured. Some women will do things sexually they don't really like just to keep a relationship, and it's not much good for the relationship. I would make that a whole 'nuther conversation, much later on.

What she might feel is your worry. I can tell you the ones I experienced. She might feel threatened that she will never be enough for you, and that not only does she have to compete against other women, she has to compete against men, too. She might feel that she can never satisfy you, really, that anything you say has to be considered more carefully. She might feel that you are using her to "pass" so you don't have to take the hassle handed to gay people (especially because of your careers). She might feel like she can't trust you because you kept this a secret so long.

That being said, it might be a big turn on for her and you might get to go all new places in your relationship. It might be a great thing.

She might resent more your waiting so long to tell her than your being bi. She might have some concerns about what else you haven't told her, so I'd advice a neutral space, a calm voice, and a straight forward attitude -- and tell her why you waited so long to say anything. You aren't dealing with whether or not you get to have this great four way with another couple. You are dealing with issues of trust in your relationship.

I hope you have good luck with this, because it is a big deal. I know without doubt that if I hadn't known before we married, my husband and I might not have made it through such a revelation - not because I can't handle his sexuality, but because I would have felt betrayed and lied to, and my trust would have been blown out of the water, because I don't trust easily. But we have a great, strong marriage now, going on 13 years, so it can work and work fantastically.

Best of luck.

 

[blndfun4you]

You are asking for advice, so here's mine, for what it's worth.

I've been married to my bi husband for 12 years. I knew before we ever discussed marriage. I knew before we ever kissed. It was a factor in my being attracted to him, but it's caused problems, too. I am not bi and don't really feel called to it (tried it, it's ok, just not my thing).

First issue is how you interpret your relationship and how being bi affects it. There's one thing that my husand and I agreed to before marriage -- being bi is not a reason to not be monogamous. If you have AGREED to be monogamous, that's it. We decided that was the only way we could make it work. No outside nookie, because that's what monogamous means. It's one of those arguments we've had with a lot of people who say things like "Well, doesn't he miss cock?" and assorted (He says "No, my wife has three bigger than yours and they never goes soft'). Parts is parts and it makes no difference -- if that is how the relationship is constructed. If yours is open, then that isn't a factor.

I think you are long overdue for the conversation, especially feeling as you do. There's no knowing her reaction, but there's a strong chance she either already suspects or she will eventually find out, especially if you have an open relationship. Be careful about how you put it, though. Don't make this other relationship you are fantisizing about the issue, or make it a deal-breaker. Make sure that's separate, or she might feel pressured. Some women will do things sexually they don't really like just to keep a relationship, and it's not much good for the relationship. I would make that a whole 'nuther conversation, much later on.

What she might feel is your worry. I can tell you the ones I experienced. She might feel threatened that she will never be enough for you, and that not only does she have to compete against other women, she has to compete against men, too. She might feel that she can never satisfy you, really, that anything you say has to be considered more carefully. She might feel that you are using her to "pass" so you don't have to take the hassle handed to gay people (especially because of your careers). She might feel like she can't trust you because you kept this a secret so long.

That being said, it might be a big turn on for her and you might get to go all new places in your relationship. It might be a great thing.

She might resent more your waiting so long to tell her than your being bi. She might have some concerns about what else you haven't told her, so I'd advice a neutral space, a calm voice, and a straight forward attitude -- and tell her why you waited so long to say anything. You aren't dealing with whether or not you get to have this great four way with another couple. You are dealing with issues of trust in your relationship.

I hope you have good luck with this, because it is a big deal. I know without doubt that if I hadn't known before we married, my husband and I might not have made it through such a revelation - not because I can't handle his sexuality, but because I would have felt betrayed and lied to, and my trust would have been blown out of the water, because I don't trust easily. But we have a great, strong marriage now, going on 13 years, so it can work and work fantastically.

Best of luck.

GREAT advice! I have almost told my gf several times that I am bi but now I know that I should not. Thanks for your point of view.

 

[madmanmike]

i know its off topic but why do some people feel the need to quote an entire 8 paragraphs of another post ? that shit is really annoying.

 

[Guest]

GREAT advice! I have almost told my gf several times that I am bi but now I know that I should not. Thanks for your point of view.

I don't know how you came to that conclusion, but good luck to you in your decision. I suppose some secrets should be kept, but I don't know if such a secret can be kept AND keep the relationship. I'm curious about which words you picked out of my message and which ones you skipped, tho

 

[WyldChylde]

Try something simple like... "Hey honey, guess what? We have more in common than we though!"

Sorry for the sarcasm.

 

[PredatorSmile]

You could always leave a "card" for her to discover. That's how my bf did it !

 

[ezervet]

As a bi guy, i don't see how you can be in love with a person and not want them to know about your bisexuality. I mean, sometimes i feel bad about not telling my friends, much less a woman i love.

that said, i've never told a significant other about it either, so my advice here is not as meaningful as it could be.

 

[PredatorSmile]

As a bi guy, i don't see how you can be in love with a person and not want them to know about your bisexuality. I mean, sometimes i feel bad about not telling my friends, much less a woman i love.

that said, i've never told a significant other about it either, so my advice here is not as meaningful as it could be.

You know, there's a right time and right place for everything, right ? Maybe the person you are with is NOT right for you and deep down inside you know it beyond the shadow of a doubt so that's why you dont tell them your secrets.

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

Really, the best time is at the outset. Failing that, you have to take your chances and hope that she accepts you. As to the open vs. exclusive deal, well, that's a mutual decision. It sounds like you are experimenting with swinging, both of you. If you like that, fine. If not, then just limit the bi thing to your fantasies, but I do think that you should mention it.

Bisexuality and swinging are two different issues, as Mal noted. Sometimes, they overlap, but they don't have to. That's up to you. But I strongly advise honesty in this matter. Would you rather be loved as an image or not loved as yourself? If she loves only the image, does she really love you at all? See where I'm going with this?

 

[gingermango]

Great advice from all, especially SEVERUSMAX.

As for me, I'd had fantasies and urges most of my adult life, many in the context of BDSM and power-exchange fantasies, but never lived out any of the bi desires until very recently at age 37. My wife and I have a very open fantasy life and bi-guys are a HUGE turn-on for her, so as we explored our sexuality together over these past few years, it just becamse an accepted thing about me (as it is about her own bisexuality) - the only issue was figuring out how and when to make the "curiosity" go away and be replaced by the reality.

As for me, having lived for ten years through a more or less closeted, vanilla marriage as a younger guy, I would never advise someone to hide ANYTHING important about him- or herself from a partner. That's a recipe for eventual hearbreak.

 

[PredatorSmile]

Listen, guy. Just tell her. Sit her down one of them days and have the talk with her. Just brace yourself. If she's okay with it, then she's the woman you truly want to be with. If she isn't okay with it, then cut your losses and move on. You deserve to be with someone who accepts you for who you are. We all do. That's what we're all looking for and we don't
want to settle for anything less. I know I don't ! My bf told me that he has never loved me more than the day we had a talk about his bisexuality. I told him these words : "So what if you're bi ? I don't care. I love you anyway." It was the happiest day of his life. I accept him for who he is and he does the same for me. Best of luck !

 

[Robin_Redtail]

You know, there's a right time and right place for everything, right ? Maybe the person you are with is NOT right for you and deep down inside you know it beyond the shadow of a doubt so that's why you dont tell them your secrets.

You stepped all over my toes with that one! My gf and I are having big problems over me keeping secrets. She thinks I'm playing games with her because she discovered that I chat, and she assumes that everybody goes into chat rooms to find someone to meet r/t. Not true for me; I go there to chat with guys to satisfy that side of me without risking exchange of bodily fluids or feeling guilty the rest of my life or worse yet, having her find out about it. We haven't had the "Honey, I love you more than life itself, but I really want to fuck a man and then I'll be right back" discussion, and I don't know if we ever will. Maybe we could resolve the whole thing with some fisting.

I think it's fair to keep a few secrets... maybe not this particular one, though.

 

[PredatorSmile]

Wow, I have almost forgotten how complicated things can be in a mixed-orientation relationship, whether is a man-with-woman, man-with-man, or woman-with-woman relationship. All I can say is tell your partner IF you feel like you have to and brace yourself for a possible storm. My guy told me that he went through the same thing. The whole world ( well, my family, friends and schoolmates) know that I'm bi and also the VP of the GLBT Alliaince at school. My guy was bi but unsure whether or not to tell me.
I accepted him anyway since I loved him. The world is a lot tougher on gay and bisexual males, apparently. Society seems to HATE them. Hell, I've met straight women who hated gay men, and that surprised me.
Matt, brace yourself for a storm IF/WHEN....you know ?

 

[BlackKing2099]

Recently, I told my lady that I was bi. She got up and said : " And this is supposed to be news ?" I was so shocked. Apparently, she had known all along. She kissed me, patted my back and went back to watching Avenger on TNT.

 

[BlackKing2099]

I hope things work out for you guys !!!!