how do i tell him..?

[shysub1995]

I would like to open this side of myself to my husband. I do enjoy bdsm a lot, but he hates the thought of hurting me... he doesn't know I'm into this yet and i don't know how to tell him... help?

 

[Sir_Winston54]

I would like to open this side of myself to my husband. I do enjoy bdsm a lot, but he hates the thought of hurting me... he doesn't know I'm into this yet and i don't know how to tell him... help?

Honesty is always my first suggestion followed perhaps by a bit of subtlety, e.g., if you can tease him into a playful spank or three, "Ooooh! That was interesting!" or when you do something of which he doesn't fully aapprove, "What are you going to do - spank me?," bending over to present a target.... or leave your browser open to a consensual BDSM story for him to"run into..."

 

[shysub1995]

He will only spank me during sex, which i let him know i really liked it. And I've been a little extreme in trying to get him to react to the things i do, he's a very calm person. I have started smoking knowing he doesn't like it(not because he doesn't like it) but he won't spank me other than during sex

 

[GreatGreg]

Hmmmm that is a tough one. My wife and I gradually got into the kink together. I think that I knew just how far she wanted to go when she told me she wanted a ball gag. (I have not found a limit yet btw)

Maybe you should go shopping online with him and order a flogger or some cuffs and a collars Or you can tell him that you want him to buy them for you. Or order yourself and adress it to him. So he gets it in the mail and when he ask you what is this. You can tell him it is for him to use on you.

I like the story idea above as well. Or you can just look him straight in the eyes and tell him "I have been a bad girl Sir. I think I need to be spanked"

That has worked on me but my wife calls me Daddy.

Don't know sweetie. Hope you can figure it out.

 

[shysub1995]

I could just see the look on his face... confusion. Lol. But it's worth a try... his birthday is coming up... good idea or bad to wrap myself up and have the box open waiting on the bed... how is that for a short story?

 

[GreatGreg]

I could just see the look on his face... confusion. Lol. But it's worth a try... his birthday is coming up... good idea or bad to wrap myself up and have the box open waiting on the bed... how is that for a short story?

Ohh I think I could write something about that. Mayb even go the whole nine yards. Sexy outfit and a beautifully wrapped box. Take him to the bedroom or hell in the living room and kneel in front of him holding up his present. Let him open it as you tell him you are his.

 

[shysub1995]

His brother lives with us, so bedroom is the only option, sadly. But i guess I've got shopping to do. Any ideas? I don't have experience in this.... and would it be cheaper to shop online or in a store?

 

[GreatGreg]

Always online. Stores always jack up the prices. I would suggest maybe a beginners set from one of the online retailers. I use Eden Fantasies myself but there are tons out there. I buy all my toys from there. If you really get into it though and want leather collar and cuffs I would go to a specialty online store. Got my stuff from extreme restraints and I was happy with my purchases.

Go with a beginners set first though as they are soft and velcro straps until you get used to it. I would also get a better quality fluffy flogger too. Floggers are great for beginners as the one I got first doesn't really have too much sting. I can go full force on my wifes ass and all it does is leave a sting and does not welt. Great for someone who is concerned like your hubby is on hurting you.

Now you have my interest piqued. Do you have any other toys?

 

[shysub1995]

No I don't own any toys or any outfits... i wouldn't be able to explain them if he found them..

 

[GreatGreg]

No I don't own any toys or any outfits... i wouldn't be able to explain them if he found them..

Can I ask you, how old are you? You sound kind of young and I am just curious.

Also go buy yourself an Hitachi. I recommend a recharable cordless one. Just say it is a muscle massager and if he pushes just tell him exactly what it massages. My biggest turn on is when the wife breaks out the toys and puts a show on for me.

 

[CutieMouse]

"Really into this" means different things to different people. My advice would be to start with deciding what "really into this" looks like, for you.

What do you NEED vs what do you WANT? And are your needs and wants coming from a place of ethical reality, or fantasy? Because there is a lot of stuff out there that gets lumped under BDSM, that has nothing to do with ethical reality.

For example, some people are attracted to the idea of submission, because they view submission as an escape from responsibility. (Not that may people actually openly admit it.) In reality, sometimes submission means trading one type of responsibility, for another. (Following the will of one's partner, even when it would be much easier to just say "no".)

And lastly, what happens if your husband doesn't feel compelled to give you what you're asking for? What if it isn't in his nature? What if he tells you he wants a bit of kink, too... but was thinking YOU would be the one calling the shots? What then?

... BTW, it's sometimes less scary to use words like Top/ bottom, instead of Dominant/ submissive. Roughly translated, Top = person doing; bottom = person being done to. Just something to think about.

 

[shysub1995]

19, so I'm still quite young.
I'm open to anything he would like. And if he says no it's not the end of the world. I've done a bit of experimentation with other men before my marriage, so I'm not completely inexperienced, but it wasn't much so I'm not confident trying to do what i already know with my husband. I want to find something he'll love too

 

[GreatGreg]

19, so I'm still quite young.
I'm open to anything he would like. And if he says no it's not the end of the world. I've done a bit of experimentation with other men before my marriage, so I'm not completely inexperienced, but it wasn't much so I'm not confident trying to do what i already know with my husband. I want to find something he'll love too

Then be honest with him and ask him. Honesty is the best solution to it all. Tell him how you feel and what you want. Like you said if he says no then that is that. I am guessing he is young as well. I can't speak for him but when I was your age I was unsure of myself and I did not have the confidence in myself like I do now. Now a days I am a rock but when i was younger i did not really understand what being a man is all about. That took life experience. But that is another story.

Be honest with him and yourself.

Ps. It is alright for a girl your age to have toys. There is nothing indecent about them. I am sure he Jacks off as well. But I guess I have a jaded outlook on the subject cause that is one of my kinks.

 

[Wanderer0327]

I would like to open this side of myself to my husband. I do enjoy bdsm a lot, but he hates the thought of hurting me... he doesn't know I'm into this yet and i don't know how to tell him... help?

Buy a couple of BDSM "romance" novels and leave them on your nightstand where he can see them. Read them in bed in such a way he can see the cover fairly easily.

Might be enough to get him thinking about it.

 

[Wanderer0327]

"Really into this" means different things to different people. My advice would be to start with deciding what "really into this" looks like, for you.

What do you NEED vs what do you WANT? And are your needs and wants coming from a place of ethical reality, or fantasy? Because there is a lot of stuff out there that gets lumped under BDSM, that has nothing to do with ethical reality.

For example, some people are attracted to the idea of submission, because they view submission as an escape from responsibility. (Not that may people actually openly admit it.) In reality, sometimes submission means trading one type of responsibility, for another. (Following the will of one's partner, even when it would be much easier to just say "no".)

And lastly, what happens if your husband doesn't feel compelled to give you what you're asking for? What if it isn't in his nature? What if he tells you he wants a bit of kink, too... but was thinking YOU would be the one calling the shots? What then?

... BTW, it's sometimes less scary to use words like Top/ bottom, instead of Dominant/ submissive. Roughly translated, Top = person doing; bottom = person being done to. Just something to think about.

As usual, excellent advice!

 

[Wanderer0327]

You might also try introducing to something like Taken in Hand as a way to encourage him to explore his assertive side.

 

[shysub1995]

Buy a couple of BDSM "romance" novels and leave them on your nightstand where he can see them. Read them in bed in such a way he can see the cover fairly easily.

Might be enough to get him thinking about it.

I'm actually not allowed to read around him... he hates it and will throw a fit...

 

[shysub1995]

Thank you for your advice. I hope it works out well.

 

[GreatGreg]

I hope it does as well sweetie. Good luck.

 

[shysub1995]

Thank you. Last question, any sites you like to shop on?

 

[4yourpleasureiam]

Thank you. Last question, any sites you like to shop on?

Read around him and when he pitches a fit, tell him you are a bad girl and he should spank you for being bad. If he does, get on your kmees and thank him with something like " thank you master for helping me be a good girl" "Please spank me whenever I am bad Master"

 

[KoPilot]

I'm actually not allowed to read around him... he hates it and will throw a fit...

The fuck?

 

[GreatGreg]

Thank you. Last question, any sites you like to shop on?

Edenfantasies.Com

They have a good selection of stuff and you always get freebies. There are tons of others though. Like I said earlier try an Hitachi wand. That is my wife's favorite and we have quite a lot. She tells me that if I ever give her enough shit she is just going to leave me and marry the wand.

http://www.edenfantasys.com/vibrators/massagers/rechargeable-hitachi-style-wand

 

[Cumference]

I'm actually not allowed to read around him... he hates it and will throw a fit...

The fuck?

Indeed!

A person that hates reading and is ignorant to what you consider to be fun?
I would consider getting out in a hurry!

 

[cookiecat]

I would like to open this side of myself to my husband. I do enjoy bdsm a lot, but he hates the thought of hurting me... he doesn't know I'm into this yet and i don't know how to tell him... help?

When you say "he hates the thought of hurting me" -- it sounds like you're equating bdsm with some of the sexual, sensation kinky stuff rather than a power exchange between Dominant and submissive.

Perhaps change up the terms: don't say it's bdsm you're in to but a little kinky fun. For vanillas, bdsm can seem scary = pain, suffering, even torture. Kinky, on the otherhand, could be seen as a little more playful or fun.

I tried to describe my bdsm interests to a vanilla friend and she was horrified. She equated it to being tied up and beaten until I was black and blue and sobbing for release. Which I do like at times.

I finally boiled it down in softer, gentler terms. I asked her if she would like it if her guy would blindfold her with a scarf, ask her to lie down, arms above head, legs spread, telling her not to move as he teased her (with fingers, a vibe, a feather, his tounge, whatever...) -- maybe a little pinch or a soft bite here and there - but he'd take away the sensation just as she was about to cum and did this over and over. He controlled when she got to cum.

Funny... she liked this idea.

I don't know that you need to introduce a bunch of toys or new lingerie. That might scare him off. Maybe just kneel between his legs and ask him to put his hands on your head and control how you suck his cock - ask him to tell you exactly what he likes as you're doing it.

So, shysub1995, figure out what it is you want - is this about control? Do you want him to be more in charge all the time (sounds like he is a little if he doesn't like you to read in front of him ) or more in control just in the bedroom? Is this about rougher sex? Controlling sex?

Good luck.