How do I? - Talking to yourself

[TheEarl]

He stood staring at it for a second. “You idiot!” he cursed.

I want to have him saying "You idiot" to himself, kinda under his breath, but not quite (cause he's alone in the room). Kind of an out loud self-chastisation for doing something dumb, but I can't work out how to word it.

'Cursed', 'said to himself', 'muttered' haven't worked so far, but I hate dialogue tags at the best of times, so I'm not practised at them. How would you word this?

The Earl

 

[carsonshepherd]

He stood staring at it. "Idiot," he muttered though no one was here to listen.

 

[TheEarl]

He stood staring at it. "Idiot," he muttered though no one was here to listen.

It's more that he's saying idiot to curse himself. I'd write "Idiot," he said, cursing himself If it didn't sound like I was spoonfeeding the reader.

The Earl

 

[rikaaim]

He thought about the stupid thing he did as the word barely escaped from his mouth., "Idiot."

 

[rikaaim]

His brow slanted inward as the look of disappointment spread across his face. His teeth clencthed slight as he thought about the mistake that he made.

"Idiot."






Earl, this is a tough one to show and get the exact idea right. You'll most likely have to do it somewhat vague and just hope that your reader catches the impact you're trying to give. I know it's hard. I'm just not quite sure how to do it. Maybe someone else can continue to lend some ideas.

Good luck.

 

[impressive]

I don't shun the dialog tags. However, how do you "stare" at something for a "second" When I stare, it takes longer.

 

[Celtic Princess]

It's more that he's saying idiot to curse himself. I'd write "Idiot," he said, cursing himself If it didn't sound like I was spoonfeeding the reader.

The Earl

That doesn't sound like you're spoonfeeding the reader. Worry less, write more.


Taken out of context, most dialogue sounds and reads like shit. Don't try to analyze just once sentence of dialogue all by itself.

 

[cantdog]

Whew. Thank goodness.

I'd leave the tag off. It's doubtless clear no one else is there, from context. So everyone but the fundamentalist will have to know who he's talking to. Just "idiot" with no attribution.

 

[carsonshepherd]

He stood staring at, cursing himself under his breath. "Idiot."

 

[rikaaim]

He stood staring at, cursing himself under his breath. "Idiot."

Idiot.

 

[Remec]

I want to have him saying "You idiot" to himself, kinda under his breath, but not quite (cause he's alone in the room). Kind of an out loud self-chastisation for doing something dumb, but I can't work out how to word it.

'Cursed', 'said to himself', 'muttered' haven't worked so far, but I hate dialogue tags at the best of times, so I'm not practised at them. How would you word this?

Hmm...

"He cursed himself for an idiot", maybe?

 

[TheEarl]

Whew. Thank goodness.

I'd leave the tag off. It's doubtless clear no one else is there, from context. So everyone but the fundamentalist will have to know who he's talking to. Just "idiot" with no attribution.

Normally that's exactly what I'd do, but the sentence flows a lot better with a dialogue tag. I would post the passage in question, but this is my serious novel and I'm making a conscious effort to keep it very separate from The Earl.

He stood staring at, cursing himself under his breath. "Idiot."

Good. I think that's spot on. He's staring at the door in case anyone's insatiably curious.

Imp: I'd say a stare was an intense gaze, rather than a measure of looking time. Stare suggests that he's focussed solely on the door.

The Earl

 

[carsonshepherd]

i have a really bad habit of using "for a moment" and phrases like that. I'm trying to break it.

 

[Celtic Princess]

i have a really bad habit of using "for a moment" and phrases like that. I'm trying to break it.

*raises eyebrow*


...

 

[TheEarl]

i have a really bad habit of using "for a moment" and phrases like that. I'm trying to break it.

Good call. I think I'll purge the 'for a moment'. It's superfluous.

The Earl

 

[gauchecritic]

Just separate it from everything. No tag, just the quotes. Unless you suddenly introduce someone else only one person could be saying it.

He stood staring at it for a second.

"Idiot."

He realised far too late... etc.

 

[cantdog]

Although the alternative you seem to have picked, turning it into an action in the text rather than an attribution, is a good one, I note that here are two writiers, one of them gauchecritic (!) who vote for skipping the attribution entirely. Just sayin'.

 

[elsol]

"You idiot!" he whispered at himself.

--- Fully...

He stared at it for a second.

"You idiot!" he whispered to himself.

He realized too late...

--Though I would choose...

"You idiot!" he whispered to himself realizing too late...

--But that's just me.

Have you tried 'admonished'...

Sincerely,
ElSol

 

[Weird Harold]

Normally that's exactly what I'd do, but the sentence flows a lot better with a dialogue tag.

It will work with no dialogue tag, but leaving it tagless leaves the possibility that he might be castigating some person not present as an idiot rather than himself -- unless you make it clear from context that he's considers mimself the idiot.

Have you considered "Idiot!" he berated himself.

 

[TheEarl]

It will work with no dialogue tag, but leaving it tagless leaves the possibility that he might be castigating some person not present as an idiot rather than himself -- unless you make it clear from context that he's considers mimself the idiot.

Have you considered "Idiot!" he berated himself.

As always, Weird Harold steps in and explains my point better than I could. He's staring at the door that his g/f's just stormed out of and I want it very clear that he's berating himself, rather than calling her an idiot.

Speaking of which - perfect word Harold. Think I'll use it. thanks.

The Earl