How do I start a dom/sub relationship ?

[newbie_dom]

My gf has told me she would like to be tied up and dominated.

What do I do ?

 

[myinnerslut]

impulsive answer: tie her up and have fun

safer answer: talk to her about what it is she likes/wants. is this a bedroom game for her or more of a lifestyle thing? what are her limits? then think about what YOU want. are you comfortable with this? if you are, and you like what shes saying, go for it. be safe and have fun.

oh, and for ideas and tips etc etc, check out the bdsm library

 

[newbie_dom]

She kind of told me to tie her up and do what I want. I want it to be very enjoyable for her. So what do you recommend ? How do I drive her wild ?

 

[VelvetDarkness]

She kind of told me to tie her up and do what I want.

You are in an enviable position. The point of this is that she wants you to do what YOU want, be a little selfish, a little rough maybe.

Think about things that you would like to do with her or to her that you haven't yet. To start out light hearted keep things safe and simple and you can judge how to proceed by the way she responds. Try a blindfold and tease her with ice/feathers soft/rough touches etc, get her to tell you how she feels, what she's getting from the experience, why she enjoys being in a submissive position like this. Won't be long before she gives you some more concrete pointers.

 

[_prudence_]

i am no expert, but should someone mention "safewords" about now?

 

[FurryFury]

i am no expert, but should someone mention "safewords" about now?

Yes, great idea! I rarely mention or think about them because I don't so far use them. I do think if we ever get to that level, we should though.

Nothing can replace communication and trust. To find out what will flip her switches you have to ask her. What will do it for one person will not necessarily do it for another. Gain and keep her trust. Make sure you trust her. Communicate. Have fun!

Fury

 

[angelsrose]

As someone who is the sub in the EXACT same type of situation, although I have a bit more expierance then he does, But he likes my ideas so far...anyhoo....
Go buy some books.

"Screw the roses, Send me the thorns"
The Loving Dom
The new Bottoming book ...that would be for her..
UhmmmAnd talk about stuff beofre you do things. you could hurt her, and she needs to be CLEAR on whats ok with her first and foremost beofre it happens.

With him, I know that if I say stop. he'll stop. (we have no need for safewords yet, but I have exlplained them to him incase we ever need to come up with a few.I hope we do)

Although I can say that in some regards and this being a new relationship he already and unknowly has started to pusha few limits. Which for me is fantastic.
Ok so she wants to be tied up... Do you want to delay her O? Do you want to "force her" Spank her? What does she want? Does she like being spanked? Forced oral? Nipple torture? Hot wax? Knifes? ( i didnt think I would like knife play, but I was more then pleasantly surprised. Now when we pulls it out (the knife) I get all tingly right where it counts. )

Really you need to talk to her more before you just tie her up and have your way, although I know plenty of people that do just that and thats it.
That gets boring for me. I want more. I want someone to want more from me.

But then again I want to be owned. And MADE to admit that.

Have fun adn be safe, sane and consensual.

Oh and also make sure to be aware of the parts of her you are tying up. Fingers get tingly if the rope it too tight. Are you going to use rope? Actually eah, thats a whole different discussion to have....cuffs, rope, wrist tape, what does she want to be tied up with? Lots to think about yea?

Also you can only tie someone up in certain postions for different amounts of time without cause too much eehhgumm harm. I know for me the rope has to have a certain lack in it for me to be ok with longer periodds of time. Make sure to rub her spots that are tied for circualtion. Make sure she knows to tell you if something falls alseep. Also make sure you tie a knot that is easy to undo. You never know if you might need to untie her real quick.

Good luck and have fun.

 

[RJMasters]

She kind of told me to tie her up and do what I want. I want it to be very enjoyable for her. So what do you recommend ? How do I drive her wild ?

You want it to be enjoyable for her? Then follow these instructions.

Tie her up. When you do make sure you don't cut off any circulation and don't suspend her...My recommendation is to have her lie on her back and pull her knees up to her chest. Then tie her wrist to the outside of each of her ankles. Fairly simple to do and offers a great view and access.

Then this is the important part....pay close attention. If you really really want to please her, then enjoy yourself and her.

Her request is, "I want you to tie me up and use me like YOU want to."

Accpeting someone's submission or sexual offering is kind of like accepting a compliment. Accept it with confidence and they will know that you accepted it fully and took pleasure in it. Accepting a compliment poorly...well you get the idea.

Were I in your situation, I would be prepared by putting a couple of peices of rope out by the bed, then when I came home for the day I would set her up by asking her, did you mean it when you said you wanted me to tie you up?

As soon as she answers yes grab her wrist and drag her into the bedroom and make her strip and get on the bed into position and then tie her up.

Then take your time...get undressed, and use her for your pleasure as if she was your birthday present. Alternate between spanking and fucking. Tease yourself with her...take yourself up to the edge of orgasm then pull out and spank her some more. Spin her around and shove yoru cock in her mouth and make her recite the alphabet. Spin her back around and slide back into your warm present...

just enjoy it...take your time and enjoy it savoring every min of it.

you do that...and I guarantee that she will enjoy it too, otherwise she would not have made such a request.

If afterwards her nipples aren't sore and she doesn't walk funny for the next couple of days, then shame on ya.

 

[gluttonne]

i'd just like to point out that i strongly agree with rjmasters' response above.

 

[loisofthelow]

I've been lurking around for almost a year, reading threads like this and enjoying the stories.

I think this kind of discussion among peers is important, and so I registered.

Good luck in your relationship!

 

[FurryFury]

i'd just like to point out that i strongly agree with rjmasters' response above.

Yes and so do I BUT that is NOT a good idea IMO if the two people involved have not discussed what they each want and can do together.

Fury

 

[_prudence_]

Yes and so do I BUT that is NOT a good idea IMO if the two people involved have not discussed what they each want and can do together.

Fury

Discussion is good, but personally i found it hard to discuss what i didn't know about. I didn't know what i liked/disliked.

I'd put money on it that most submissives would prefer being TOLD what was going to happen rather than being asked if it was OK.

This is why i mentioned safe words in an earlier post. My safe word liberated me. It was no longer nessessary to be asked.

 

[callinectes]

You want it to be enjoyable for her? Then follow these instructions.

Tie her up. When you do make sure you don't cut off any circulation and don't suspend her...My recommendation is to have her lie on her back and pull her knees up to her chest. Then tie her wrist to the outside of each of her ankles. Fairly simple to do and offers a great view and access.

Then this is the important part....pay close attention. If you really really want to please her, then enjoy yourself and her.

Her request is, "I want you to tie me up and use me like YOU want to."

Accpeting someone's submission or sexual offering is kind of like accepting a compliment. Accept it with confidence and they will know that you accepted it fully and took pleasure in it. Accepting a compliment poorly...well you get the idea.

Were I in your situation, I would be prepared by putting a couple of peices of rope out by the bed, then when I came home for the day I would set her up by asking her, did you mean it when you said you wanted me to tie you up?

As soon as she answers yes grab her wrist and drag her into the bedroom and make her strip and get on the bed into position and then tie her up.

Then take your time...get undressed, and use her for your pleasure as if she was your birthday present. Alternate between spanking and fucking. Tease yourself with her...take yourself up to the edge of orgasm then pull out and spank her some more. Spin her around and shove yoru cock in her mouth and make her recite the alphabet. Spin her back around and slide back into your warm present...

just enjoy it...take your time and enjoy it savoring every min of it.

you do that...and I guarantee that she will enjoy it too, otherwise she would not have made such a request.

If afterwards her nipples aren't sore and she doesn't walk funny for the next couple of days, then shame on ya.

*fans self*

What he said.

Just be sure to watch her reactions and make sure she understands that it is okay to say she has had enough, is uncomfortable, etc. And do discuss a safeword with her.

 

[neonflux]

First, have to say that all the advice here is pretty darn good - like RJMaster's suggestion for starting, Angelrose's booklist is great - would add Consensual Sadomasochism (lots about how to do specific play and how to do it safely). The library here isn't too shabby either.

Discussion is good, but personally i found it hard to discuss what i didn't know about. I didn't know what i liked/disliked.

I'd put money on it that most submissives would prefer being TOLD what was going to happen rather than being asked if it was OK.

This is why i mentioned safe words in an earlier post. My safe word liberated me. It was no longer nessessary to be asked.

Would definitely agree - safewords provide a space for spontaneity & it's more fun for the sub - if s/he doesn't know what is coming yet, if there are surprises, if the Dom/me actually controls the interaction. More fun for the Dom/me, too Also know that it's hard to say what you like/don't like when you're a complete newbie.

That said, most people who say, "Tie me up and use me!" still have some fantasies in their mind about what they'd like to occur. That can be a starting place. Just because you know her fantasies doesn't mean you have to fulfill them as she wants you to. And hearing more specifics from her will probably give you a better sense of your own desires - and that's were the fun really starts.

Have fun! Report back!
Neon

 

[angelsrose]

That said, most people who say, "Tie me up and use me!" still have some fantasies in their mind about what they'd like to occur. That can be a starting place. Just because you know her fantasies doesn't mean you have to fulfill them as she wants you to. And hearing more specifics from her will probably give you a better sense of your own desires - and that's were the fun really starts.

Have fun! Report back!
Neon

Neon- thank you for complimenting my little library of sorts. And I think I'll go look at the other book you mentined.

For sake of argument:

I hate when people touch my neck. Ever. In play or out in the real world. I have to know you for a very long time for this to happen. So I go to my "BF" and say baby tie me up and do whatever you want with me. And he decides that he has this thing that turns him on durring my being tied up, having his hands around my neck. Just that his hands are there will freak me out and make me dry instantly. Now not ever girl has an issue with the neck. But she might have an issue with something else. Everyone that I have ever dated at one point or another has tried to just touch my neck without me getting uncomfortable, and only one person has been able.

In saying this though beofre I get tied up, I don't have to worry that my expieance will be pleasureable. I know that he knows that this bothers me. I know he won't go there. I don't want it to be ruined because something he has done has made the whole thing (feel) very unsafe for me.

Also yes it is true that you won't knowwhat you like until you try it. But that is also why I encouraged reading. I didn't even know that I had any interest in somethings until I started feeling all tingly, and wonder what that might feel like. And then decided to ask to try it, and see how the other person felt. When I have some idea of what might happen, I am still being surprised, because I don't know how hard, long, painful, anything might be. But I know that I am going to like it, and he knows that I am going to like it. And if its something new that we are both unsure of.... Well thats what red, yellow, and green are for, or hand signals. (if I am gagged).
Have fun and be safe.

 

[ABX]

You never know if you might need to untie her real quick.

THAT'S certainly true. I know a guy who had to call the fire-brigade when his girl suddenly started throwing up, and he couldn't find the keys to the cuffs.

Now that was embarassing...

 

[St_George]

Now this is the thread I need. Keep the advice coming! It is all very useful!

St_George

 

[neonflux]

Neon- thank you for complimenting my little library of sorts. And I think I'll go look at the other book you mentined.

You're welcome - I thought it was great!

For sake of argument:

I hate when people touch my neck. Ever. In play or out in the real world. I have to know you for a very long time for this to happen. So I go to my "BF" and say baby tie me up and do whatever you want with me. And he decides that he has this thing that turns him on durring my being tied up, having his hands around my neck. Just that his hands are there will freak me out and make me dry instantly. Now not ever girl has an issue with the neck. But she might have an issue with something else. Everyone that I have ever dated at one point or another has tried to just touch my neck without me getting uncomfortable, and only one person has been able.

In saying this though beofre I get tied up, I don't have to worry that my expieance will be pleasureable. I know that he knows that this bothers me. I know he won't go there. I don't want it to be ruined because something he has done has made the whole thing (feel) very unsafe for me.

Also yes it is true that you won't knowwhat you like until you try it. But that is also why I encouraged reading. I didn't even know that I had any interest in somethings until I started feeling all tingly, and wonder what that might feel like. And then decided to ask to try it, and see how the other person felt. When I have some idea of what might happen, I am still being surprised, because I don't know how hard, long, painful, anything might be. But I know that I am going to like it, and he knows that I am going to like it. And if its something new that we are both unsure of.... Well thats what red, yellow, and green are for, or hand signals. (if I am gagged).
Have fun and be safe.

I would never, ever suggest that reading isn't good!!! It's definitely one way to figure out what you like. I also think it's a good idea to have an idea of what someone's fantasies are - a sub's can also spark yours. Talking over fantasies can also help a newbie sub & Domme to get a sense of what the sub's absolute limits are. Like you having your neck touched, or my BDSM partner having both his hands tied when he bottoms (can't do it - he panics - and I won't ever push his hard limits). When bottoming, I freak out if anyone hits my feet - it's not the pain - whartenberg wheels are ok, but I've always had trouble with them and I am deathly afraid of having them injured.

Sometimes, it's actually a matter of trying something out, before you can be sure you like or don't like it, as both a sub and Domme. Example: my BDSM partner told me once that he was getting turned on watching this woman humiliate her male partner at the Citadel (San Francisco play space). She was using both words and high-heeled shoes. If you've read any of my posts in the current "being called sluts" thread, you know that verbal humiliation is tough for me. However, I'd never done it and decided to try, figuring that verbally humiliating a man might be different for me from doing this to a woman. It wasn't. I hated it and so didn't do it for very long. In talking about the scene later, it didn't turn him on either. Physical humiliation turned out to be a different thing for both of us

Neon

 

[neonflux]

THAT'S certainly true. I know a guy who had to call the fire-brigade when his girl suddenly started throwing up, and he couldn't find the keys to the cuffs.

Now that was embarassing...

This had me LOL. OK, have to ask - did he tell you what they did when they came? (BTW, this is why I prefer rope )

 

[myinnerslut]

This had me LOL. OK, have to ask - did he tell you what they did when they came? (BTW, this is why I prefer rope )

even with rope, make sure you can untie the knots quickly if neccesarry, or have something on hand that can cut through the rope... i had a rather uncomfortable experience once when Sir bound, gagged, and blindfolded me, and all of a sudden there was a very unexpected knock on the door....

 

[neonflux]

even with rope, make sure you can untie the knots quickly if neccesarry, or have something on hand that can cut through the rope... i had a rather uncomfortable experience once when Sir bound, gagged, and blindfolded me, and all of a sudden there was a very unexpected knock on the door....

That's part of what I like about it (OK, it's really because I think it looks so pretty!), but your right - and I always carry safety scissors in my toy bag...

 

[catalina_francisco]

even with rope, make sure you can untie the knots quickly if neccesarry, or have something on hand that can cut through the rope... i had a rather uncomfortable experience once when Sir bound, gagged, and blindfolded me, and all of a sudden there was a very unexpected knock on the door....

LOL, we had a similar experience with a male sub we were playing with and who was not about to feel comfortable with the hotel's cleaning staff seeing him all trussed and naked...fortunately F has a way of placing strategic knots which can be pulled and it all comes undone in a flash. He used to always use them as a safety measure when we were playing alone, I imagine he still does.

Catalina

 

[onyxvixen]

Ooh, this is a good thread.

I like to get a sub to do some of the legwork, writing down fantasies for me, finding stories here that particularly turn her on. Another easy tip is simply to ask "How do you imagine serving me?" Make the sub be specific. This quickly communicates whether they're looking for a romantic kind of servitude, humiliation, punishment, restraint, whatever. What actually occurs as a result of this factfinding remains at my discretion.

I do use rope and handcuffs occasionally but I do get a thrill from positioning a sub and knowing that they'll stay put. This is a safe way of starting with a new partner. Often I'll simply place wrists and/or ankles together and just throw them the gimlet death stare. Few are brave or stupid enough to move. Once trust is established and boundaries discovered, then I'll start tying them down and getting nasty

Sadly I've yet to learn how to restrain somebody securely with rope and at the same time release them quickly. I also keep scissors handy in thise situations. Homework for me I fear.

 

[RonClarkeson]

how a Submissive can plant a desire for:-

I rather like this as well, I would be more subtle.

1/. Tell your best friend (girl) of some of your Fantasy ideas, get a bondage magazine and describe what you fancy leave the magazine with girlfriend.
2/. Tell your boyfriend you confide your fantasies with your girlfriend.
3/. Accidentally let your boyfriend know your girlfriends phone number.
4/. Prime your girlfriend to blurt out your fantasy and where you saw it.

He will then know something that he thinks you do not know he knows.

He should react or he is a Dumb Ox

 

[FurryFury]

I rather like this as well, I would be more subtle.

1/. Tell your best friend (girl) of some of your Fantasy ideas, get a bondage magazine and describe what you fancy leave the magazine with girlfriend.
2/. Tell your boyfriend you confide your fantasies with your girlfriend.
3/. Accidentally let your boyfriend know your girlfriends phone number.
4/. Prime your girlfriend to blurt out your fantasy and where you saw it.

He will then know something that he thinks you do not know he knows.

He should react or he is a Dumb Ox

I would not be comfortable having to go through this level of manipulation to engage my SO or involving someone else so blatantly in what should be IMO our private business. That's just my opinion, of course . . .

Fury