How do I reach out appropriately?

[Licia]

Sexuality is a huge part of my life, as I suppose it is for every person on the planet. Being straight and understanding that part of me as simply natural, I began to wonder if gay people share that resonating sense of sexual identity as well.

Why? *sighs* What can I say? I live in a town that's just about as big as a mosquito's asshole. Being different here isn't for the faint-hearted. Just being a smart woman, yeah, that's like living with hemorrhoids.

I have a cousin who's gay. And this boy has been gay since he was extremely young. Even as children ourselves (the lot of us, seven cousins collectively), we all knew "Will" was gay. We weren't nasty to Will per se; however, the entire family just didn't understand what to do. And to make the issue more complex, how the hell would a body address the issue before he's grown into adulthood? Except maybe his mother (God bless that woman, told her that a few times too!)

Anyway, this may sound ridiculous, but...I started pondering on the issue of natural theology. I realize that may sound like a scary and ignorant state since it's been used to systematically destroy people's senses of SELF; however, my spirituality is what it is. I simply don't believe that being gay is a choice. Will's living proof of it. He's never even dated a girl/woman. Yep, balls that clank, that one. *chuckles*

This post is already too long. I want to include more, but maybe the questions I hope to ask can be addressed later in the thread? The big one for now: how do I reach out to Will appropriately? When the rest of the family discovered that he "really is gay", a schism happened. Nothing super extreme, but I'd hate to think that Will might be suffering? I've tried striking up conversations and inclusion when (rarely) he's at a family gathering, but it's always uneasy. Should I just go over and hug the elephant in the room?

 

[Safe_Bet]

The big one for now: how do I reach out to Will appropriately? When the rest of the family discovered that he "really is gay", a schism happened. Nothing super extreme, but I'd hate to think that Will might be suffering? I've tried striking up conversations and inclusion when (rarely) he's at a family gathering, but it's always uneasy. Should I just go over and hug the elephant in the room?

You don't hug any elephant, you treat him as you would as if he were straight. It's not like his orientation makes him any different.

BTW, do you realize that if you have a family gathering of 20 people that there is most probably 1-2 other LGBT people present as well (just nobody knows it). Treat him just like you do the other ones!

 

[HottieMama]

What about inviting him out to do something together one-on-one? No need for a huge discussion at first...just a "Hey Will, let's go have dinner/get a beer/whatever this weekend." If he is comfortable, you may notice that he will open up more easily and it will be less intimidating for the both of you. relate to him as you would a friend, after all you are both grown ups now. Show him..more than TELLING him...that no matter what you will be his friend and that you want him in your life.

 

[Licia]

You don't hug any elephant, you treat him as you would as if he were straight. It's not like his orientation makes him any different.

BTW, do you realize that if you have a family gathering of 20 people that there is most probably 1-2 other LGBT people present as well (just nobody knows it). Treat him just like you do the other ones!

Probably a fault of mine, hugging the elephant in the room. Regardless what sexual orientation furnitures the room, the elephant exists. Frequently, much to the dismay of my current social situation, I tend to try and address the beast directly: calm the animal so we might be able to move on with the next order of business. Not everyone likes that approach. Everyone is entitled to their secrets, but earning and maintaining someone's trust is fulfilling; sometimes a turn-on that roils under the surface for years. *laughs* I don't know, maybe I'm not a very good sadist? Rough tough cream puff who eats her marshmallows raw sorta thing?

Do I realize that there are probably more LGBT in the family mixer? In real time, no. I don't think about it. Can I say I don't really care what their orientation is without sounding like a prick? Perspective:

A mutual guy friend "Lantz" was invited for a threesome. The boys didn't engage in sexual MM acts, and hubby is straight. Lantz later told me he likes men as much as he likes women. I blurt out, "awesome for me!" He just laughed.

A close girlfriend confides she's bisexual. I nearly splee because she trusts me enough to share. I don't realize she's putting the moves on me until she kisses me. Fitting into the "family" category, the kiss is just...icky? Sexually kissing my sister doesn't turn my crank.

 

[Licia]

What about inviting him out to do something together one-on-one? No need for a huge discussion at first...just a "Hey Will, let's go have dinner/get a beer/whatever this weekend." If he is comfortable, you may notice that he will open up more easily and it will be less intimidating for the both of you. relate to him as you would a friend, after all you are both grown ups now. Show him..more than TELLING him...that no matter what you will be his friend and that you want him in your life.

Pretty good thought, HottieMama. Scheduling would be a nightmare. He lives an hour away and works insane hours. The hospital's his master, a harsh one, too. Mine, familial demands.

I'm thinking maybe via fb I could send him a message...lots of clubs in his territory.

*sighs* I suck at subtle when it comes to big elephants.

This question is for anyone: If one of your family members would just put everything on the table about acceptance and want to seek a relationship, how do you think you would react?

 

[CandiCame]

Pretty good thought, HottieMama. Scheduling would be a nightmare. He lives an hour away and works insane hours. The hospital's his master, a harsh one, too. Mine, familial demands.

I'm thinking maybe via fb I could send him a message...lots of clubs in his territory.

*sighs* I suck at subtle when it comes to big elephants.

This question is for anyone: If one of your family members would just put everything on the table about acceptance and want to seek a relationship, how do you think you would react?

Honestly, with my family... I still wouldn't want to do it. They're all rednecks and I would assume it was some kind of... ploy to get me back so that I could go to strait camp or something. As an adult, your sexuality isn't your master status- if he's in the closet, then I wouldn't out him, but if everyone knows, like you said, then I wouldn't really mention it. Just FB him with a "Dude, haven't seen you in forever," type of message. I just think that would go over a lot better then, "So, still love the cock?"

 

[Licia]

Honestly, with my family... I still wouldn't want to do it. They're all rednecks and I would assume it was some kind of... ploy to get me back so that I could go to strait camp or something. As an adult, your sexuality isn't your master status- if he's in the closet, then I wouldn't out him, but if everyone knows, like you said, then I wouldn't really mention it. Just FB him with a "Dude, haven't seen you in forever," type of message. I just think that would go over a lot better then, "So, still love the cock?"

*laughs* Awesome, thanks.

Yeah, that would be a situation I want to avoid. Eh, I was only using master status and sexuality as a type of tongue in cheek which apparently failed miserably...and most of the folks in my family are such rednecks, one would think it a religion (/sarc).

Seriously, though, I personally don't believe someone can change their sexuality to fit inside another's box. He's not in the closet, either. He's been openly gay since he was a teen.

I fb'd him last night, but I've yet to receieve a response. Basically, I let him know that I want closer ties with my family and hoped to become tighter with him. We've lost two early in life: one at 19 to suicide, another, my brother (and best friend) to an overdose. I figured being earnest would be the simplist approach, possibly avoiding confusion about what you well described as "straight camp".

 

[jessicaj64]

Honestly, if my parents were to reach out and accept me for who and what I am, I would welcome it with both hands. Some of my cousins accept me, and we have moved on; others not so much. My brother is trying really, really hard, but it's obvious he's having a tough time with it. My parents & I still maintain a close relationship, provided "it" isn't discussed, though I hope that time will heal that too, and provided they can pretend they still have an older, straight son, instead of an older, gay, maybe bi, daughter.
But to echo some of the other comments, he would probably welcome simple friendship, and your desire for a relationship. That's probably your best route.
I tend to get a little uncomfortable discussing "it" with anyone but the very closest of friends; I'd just be accepted and be treated like any other woman.

 

[I_LIKE_PEAS]

Sex is an important part of my life but my orientation really is not that big of a deal. People who wear orientation on their sleeves come off as a bit silly to me. I am no different then a straight dude except I have better fashion sense.

Just treat us like anybody else. But a hug is always cool as long as you hug everybody else.

 

[Licia]

Honestly, if my parents were to reach out and accept me for who and what I am, I would welcome it with both hands. Some of my cousins accept me, and we have moved on; others not so much. My brother is trying really, really hard, but it's obvious he's having a tough time with it. My parents & I still maintain a close relationship, provided "it" isn't discussed, though I hope that time will heal that too, and provided they can pretend they still have an older, straight son, instead of an older, gay, maybe bi, daughter.
But to echo some of the other comments, he would probably welcome simple friendship, and your desire for a relationship. That's probably your best route.
I tend to get a little uncomfortable discussing "it" with anyone but the very closest of friends; I'd just be accepted and be treated like any other woman.

Thanks, Jessica. I hope the rift in your family will be healed.

Most people do have a difficult time accepting what they do not understand, so as they live their internal lives and try to connect the outside world into their own experiences, it may either hit too close to home or boggle their minds. Throw in what society teaches us about good girls and boys, mix in a dash of sermon mount, and volia: pandemonium? Folks can suddenly fail to recognize ethos. I really believe empathy should be elevated to an art form.

 

[Licia]

Sex is an important part of my life but my orientation really is not that big of a deal. People who wear orientation on their sleeves come off as a bit silly to me. I am no different then a straight dude except I have better fashion sense.

Just treat us like anybody else. But a hug is always cool as long as you hug everybody else.

*hugs*

Actually, gay men are different than straight men in my eyes but that's only because they are off the list for "bed buddy". *shrugs* I find it fascinating, really. I don't suffer from the delusion: 'I can make this one straight!' Well, I think about it because of ego, but I'm sure a gay man isn't interested in sleeping with women. Not that I sleep around, I'm married - just a little bit of straight-up honesty. Conversely, I admit to enjoying the company of gay men because sexual tension is nil. Yay for real guy buddies!

 

[CandiCame]

*hugs*

Actually, gay men are different than straight men in my eyes but that's only because they are off the list for "bed buddy". *shrugs* I find it fascinating, really. I don't suffer from the delusion: 'I can make this one straight!' Well, I think about it because of ego, but I'm sure a gay man isn't interested in sleeping with women. Not that I sleep around, I'm married - just a little bit of straight-up honesty. Conversely, I admit to enjoying the company of gay men because sexual tension is nil. Yay for real guy buddies!

Wanna try with me?

 

[cuck2011]

Don't treat him as gay or as you would trdat a straight guy, just accept him a he is. Its a good topic and a great discussion. I think we shoudl learn to accept an individual as an individual and not group them into easier to understand boxes, gay, straight, bi, conservative, liberal etc. When we accept people as they are and not who we perceive they might be we can get tot he really fun part of beginning to understnad, accept and love the differences

 

[hedonis2011]

I consider myself Bi sexual man.. because a love sex with other guys ..just sucking, licking, rimming and fucking.. a little soft touching but not into kissing or tender embraces ... I like pussies a lot but a nice cock is a;ways wellcummed...

 

[MrsCCfromRC]

I couldn't say it any better than others have. What they do in their own bedroom is their business. Treat them equal to everyone else. Telling them you appreciate who they are and saying all the right words is helpful, but not if you don't back it up with action. Being there for them as a person is the most important thing.

 

[Licia]

Wanna try with me?

*chuckles* I interpreted that two ways.

Don’t treat him as gay or as you would trdat a straight guy, just accept him as he is. it’s a good topic and a great discussion. I think we should learn to accept an individual and not group them into easier to understand boxes, gay, straight, bi, conservative, liberal etc. When we accept people as they are and not who we perceive the might be we can get to the really fun part of beginning to understand, accept and love the differences

I guess by “treating him like he’s gay” means treating him differently than other people. As a straight woman, I do have a different way of treating potential “bed buddies”. If we cut the crap and admit that we are human beings, everybody knows that they are attracted to others even if they’re involved in a soul bond. It’s why natural flirting occurs. Subtle or not, it exists. Probably mostly *angel* mental, but when I notice a straight guy whom I find attractive, I transform into ‘I’ma eat your essence and ya won’t know what’s happened until it’s over.’ Bisexual guys aren’t immune from that same sentiment either. Eh, the physical aspect can be pretty to look at, but without substance…yeah *removes herself from her own head*

Anyway…
Gay men or women in general fall into the potential realms of friend or family. *shrugs*

Hedonis2011: glad that floats your boat.

I couldn’t say it any better than others have. What they do in their own bedroom is their business. Treat them equal to everyone else. Telling them you appreciate who they are and saying all the right words is helpful, but not if you don’t back it up with action. Being there for them as a person is the most important thing.

The bolded, I think, is what gets missed the most. People just do not realize how short life really is: a flicker. When a person leaves this earth, many times the sentiment ‘I never had enough time’ echoes in the silence.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Don't treat him as if he's different in every way. There is only one way that is different, but there are several ways that difference impacts him.

Do remember that: He's not necessarily interested in your complaints about your heterosexual dynamics, unless he knows and cares about the parties involved. if you're making general conversation, he might not want to be reminded about how easy it is for hets to meet and find each other.

He's not necessarily interested in being explained to. It's the straight equivalent of "mansplaining."

He might have some bad history that you don't have, that might impact the way he reacts in public situations -- things you might not notice. Trust him on those things.

 

[jomar]

What Amy said.

Maybe you need a icebreaker to loosen things up...a private joke...I will refrain from a true life small town story as I'm not a regular here, might be taken wrong and don't want to offend anyone...but it's amusing and had the intended positive effect.

Anyway, just be people hanging out and having fun.

Act normal and accepting and maybe folks will relax.

 

[Licia]

Don't treat him as if he's different in every way. There is only one way that is different, but there are several ways that difference impacts him.

Do remember that: He's not necessarily interested in your complaints about your heterosexual dynamics, unless he knows and cares about the parties involved. if you're making general conversation, he might not want to be reminded about how easy it is for hets to meet and find each other.

He's not necessarily interested in being explained to. It's the straight equivalent of "mansplaining."

He might have some bad history that you don't have, that might impact the way he reacts in public situations -- things you might not notice. Trust him on those things.

Hmm..."complaints about your heterosexual dynamics". Somehow, I seriously doubt I would be discussing the sex life/tensions with him. I may have in this thread, but it was more for background really. I'm quieter in real life only because I say what I think, and that's not always the wise thing to do. I scare people with honesty sometimes.

I'm not sure what you mean by "mansplaining" unless it implies what happens when a man tries to talk down to you. Am I close?

I'll definitely keep the last bit in mind, thanks.

 

[Licia]

What Amy said.

Maybe you need a icebreaker to loosen things up...a private joke...I will refrain from a true life small town story as I'm not a regular here, might be taken wrong and don't want to offend anyone...but it's amusing and had the intended positive effect.

Anyway, just be people hanging out and having fun.

Act normal and accepting and maybe folks will relax.

Maybe forward it to me in a PM? I'm sure I'll find it amusing. *nods*