How do I Love again?

[Tap-Out]

Hello all. I want some feedback on something that is going on with me. I can't figure things out on my own so I wanted some opinions from people whom have been in similier situations.

Five years ago I was in an LDR. Things were fantastic. We met online and went on from there. We exchanged e-mails. Called each other on the phone. We spoke often. We sent each other gifts for occasions. We were very serious. Eventuially I told her I loved her. And she said she felt the same. We truly truly did love one anoher. It was truly wonderful. I gave myself to her heart and soul. She truly was my everything. But her personal life apart from me were in shambles. Her parents beat on her. They put her down verbally. All but disowned her. Her friends turned her back on her. Called her names. Put her down. Eventuially she told me she coulden't take it much more. That she was having serious thoughts to end it all. I begged with her.. pleaded with her not to. I told her how much I loved her. Eventuially she promised me on our love that she woulden't. But although I called her every day, told her how much I loved her, and how wonderful and special she was... she took her own life. She ended it all.

I was devistated. I wanted nothing more than to join her. I can honestly say that if it weren't for my friends I woulden't be here today. I owe them my life.

Fast forward to today. I find myself in the exact same situation. I met this wonderful, fantastic, and special woman online. I have developed very strong feelings for this lady. However there is one issue. I can't tell her exactially how I feel. I want to. But I can't. There is something holding me back. After giving so much of myself... giving someone all my love as I did before and have it end so bad I am scarred... terrified to feel that way again. I am scared to love again, for fear of being hurt. But there is more to it than that I belive. For me there was no closure. I never got to say goodbye. Of course I greived. I still do. But I haven't let her go yet. I have never felt that strongly about someone until now. I'm constantly wrestling with my own emotions to try to figure this out.

So my question I guess is this... how do I let my old Love go so that I can give all of myself once again? How do I start to heal this still gaping wound inside of me that was left with her death? How do I start the healing so that I may treat my new love the way she deserves to be treated? How do I begin to tell my new partner I love her?

Please don't flame me. I would like any honest responses. I am confused, and want nothing more than to be able to move on. But I am unable to.

Thank you all for reading

 

[Bobmi357]

Oh man this one is a toughie....

Its never easy to love someone in the first place, and having been burned by it before you become reluctant to give it a try again.

While I'll venture to say that few of us can understand exactly how you feel, quite a few of us divorced and remarried folks have experienced asimilar pain.

Loving another person is especially hard once you've been hurt in love. Loving someone means you need to open yourself up to being vunerable to that person. Quite a few people find that concept difficult in the first place and as a result end up with failed relationships.

In your particular case my suggestion, and quite frankly the only one I thing will help, is to be totally honest with your girl friend. Explain to her exactly as precisely as you did here. Your pain was obvious, your fear was written all over your post. If she cares for you in any way, she will try to help you. If she doesn't care that too will become obvious. Explain to her what your feeling and ask for her understanding if not her help.

You might also consider seeking some professional help. Even if you do seek some sort of counciling I would still suggest you explain to your girlfriend about it and why. If you plan on having any sort of permanent relationship, she deserves to know about it.

 

[Omni]

But there is more to it than that I belive. For me there was no closure. I never got to say goodbye. Of course I greived. I still do. But I haven't let her go yet.

Bob gave some excellent advice on the rest of your questions, and I mirror his response, especially not shying away from some counseling.

But, one other thing might help along with telling your new lady and counseling and that is to write the lady that passed, letters. One, two, ten, whatever it takes to express everything you feel, especially the anger, hurt, and fear. You write them, say everything you need to, remember no one will see them but you.

I started writing mine with no intent to say good bye and I was surprised what all came out, the good, bad, and the ugly. But, by the end I was writing goodbye, putting closure to it. Then still, I let them sit for a while, surprised after time that I did feel better. And, eventually I had a little personal ceremony and burned the letters.

I got the idea of writing the letter/letters from my SO's, who passed, 72 year old mother. She said she did it after her husband died. At first I thought "silly". But the idea was planted and I think in the end pain compelled me to release it.

Anyway, it sure helped.

Sincerely,

Omni

 

[Tap-Out]

Thank you Bobmi and Omni for your time and suggestions. I will definatly take your kind words to heart and try what you suggest.

I have infact told my lady friend about all that has been happening. Infact I went to her first. Tried to talk it over and work it out with her. She has helped a great deal, but like me, is unsure about where to begin. It was actuially with her encouragment that I posted my problem(s) here.

I thank you both again.

Tap

 

[Cathleen]

Tap, you have my sincerest condolences on the passing of your love. It is very difficult to lose someone to their own hands. A very good friend of mine took his life four years ago last month. I knew he was troubled, and he did seek help, but the end was the end.

I never got to say goodbye either, he didn't give me that opportunity. I was so sad, so hurt, so angry. I loved him, as a friend, and he will always be a part of me.

I did write letters, lots of them. Emotions poured out of me, and once they did, I was able to let go, very slowly. Time is what has helped me the most, with any loss. Time gives us perspective, and sometimes we can get objective too. I understand him better now, I love him still, just a different love. A love I can't physically feel, anymore, but a love in my heart that is his alone. Actually sometimes I do still feel a physical love for him and it is no longer an ache.

I am glad you are reaching out, you are surely moving forward. Your post clearly shows that. I can only offer my experience with the loss of my friend, but know that she will be part of you, you will find a place for her, and to move on with your new love. It is not disloyality, not wrong to do this, it is love that is allowing this.

I wish you peace and love.....and the future.

Cate

 

[Tap-Out]

Tap, you have my sincerest condolences on the passing of your love. It is very difficult to lose someone to their own hands. A very good friend of mine took his life four years ago last month. I knew he was troubled, and he did seek help, but the end was the end.

I never got to say goodbye either, he didn't give me that opportunity. I was so sad, so hurt, so angry. I loved him, as a friend, and he will always be a part of me.

I did write letters, lots of them. Emotions poured out of me, and once they did, I was able to let go, very slowly. Time is what has helped me the most, with any loss. Time gives us perspective, and sometimes we can get objective too. I understand him better now, I love him still, just a different love. A love I can't physically feel, anymore, but a love in my heart that is his alone. Actually sometimes I do still feel a physical love for him and it is no longer an ache.

I am glad you are reaching out, you are surely moving forward. Your post clearly shows that. I can only offer my experience with the loss of my friend, but know that she will be part of you, you will find a place for her, and to move on with your new love. It is not disloyality, not wrong to do this, it is love that is allowing this.

I wish you peace and love.....and the future.

Cate

Cate,

Thank you very very much for your kind words. They helped a lot. I'm sorry I coulden't thank you before, but I sort of took a small break from... well everything.

I am doing my best to move on. I know it will take time. I know I will find a place for the both of them.

My sincere thanks once again

Tap

 

[Cathleen]

Cate,

Thank you very very much for your kind words. They helped a lot. I'm sorry I coulden't thank you before, but I sort of took a small break from... well everything.

I am doing my best to move on. I know it will take time. I know I will find a place for the both of them.

My sincere thanks once again

Tap

You are welcome. It was helpful for me as well, to revisit him in a different way. It hurts still but differently, watch out for a few potholes in the road, they can swallow you up on occasion. After writing that post, I decided to write another letter to him. It was so very different from the previous, as though he was helping me now. I didn't expect that at all. I suppose its a lifetime thing.....I'll let you know when thats done! LOL Love keeps going that much I know. All the best to you!