How Do I Get Him To MOVE?????

[rumcokecherry]

I'm frustrated as HELL! I have what I would call a lazy lover. You know the type, your the one who ends up doing everything in bed, intiates sex, and that person just doesnt do anything.. except lay there like a lump on the log..

I am a woman by the way, and I have tried everything absolutely everything to try to get him to open up to me and be excited.. but no avail. We have been married for 9 years .....and its been like this all throughout these years.

Seriously Im starting to think that there is something medically wrong with him. I have actually tested my theory. I didnt pressure him (as he says I do) and I let him be, he came home from work (tired) went straight to the bedroom to play VIDEO GAMES...

I made dinner he ate.....he left to play VIDEO GAMES... I didnt say a word I kept myself busy, he went about his day......DAYSsssssssssss

A MONTH went by NOTHING.....not one cheap feel or a slap on the ass!

In public he is very affectionate.. in the bedroom, lets just say I bought more rechargeable batteries to keep me busy. I finally told him you know we havent had sex in a month and a half......reply oh I was tired we can set something up for this weekend...

I forgot to mention we are early 30's does this really happen??? is it over? I finally told him the other night that I was through waiting on the shelf and I think it was either time we got help or throw in the towel. His reply was he would be soo embarrassed if his family found out we split over NO SEX. What the hell does that tell me?


SOMEONE pass me the Horny Goat Weed so I can slip it to him!!!!

 

[goofy 2]

rumcoke

sounds to me like you need to take away the video games.
That or find a playmate,

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I can sympathise with your predicament but if he has always been like this and you chose to marry him then you made a rod for your own back.

The video games sound like a problem, especially if it's something that he's got an unhealthy fixation on. Is he sociable or reclusive? Is he happy in his job etc or depressed and using the videogames as a means to hide from the world? The lack of motivation you're describing suggests to me that he is generally an unhappy man. Is it possible that your libido has made him feel that he's unable to satisfy you or not good enough or something? People with depression don't need much negative reinforcement to be put off things completely.

I reserve the right to be wrong here, this is just the impression I got from your post.

 

[jackell99]

Umm...

Where are you?
Cause I'd be willing to help you out

 

[simplegirl]

You two need to sit down and have a heart to heart and find out what's going on, deep down. Avoid accusatory language and the "you" word. He'll automatically become defensive and closed off. Look for more neutral wording... "this is the situation, why is it this way and what can we do to fix it". That looks for his input and gets you working as a team. Definitely talk to a councellor or sexologist together.

Best of luck.

 

[SweetErika]

I am a woman by the way, and I have tried everything absolutely everything to try to get him to open up to me and be excited.. but no avail. We have been married for 9 years .....and its been like this all throughout these years.

Seriously Im starting to think that there is something medically wrong with him. I have actually tested my theory. I didnt pressure him (as he says I do) and I let him be, he came home from work (tired) went straight to the bedroom to play VIDEO GAMES...

Sure, he should get his hormone levels and such checked out, but I'm not convinced this is a medical issue. What was his upbringing like? Was he raised with an unhealthy relationship model (e.g. his parents were distant toward each other) or the idea that affection, intimacy or sex was 'wrong/bad'?

In public he is very affectionate.. in the bedroom, lets just say I bought more rechargeable batteries to keep me busy. I finally told him you know we havent had sex in a month and a half......reply oh I was tired we can set something up for this weekend...

I forgot to mention we are early 30's does this really happen??? is it over? I finally told him the other night that I was through waiting on the shelf and I think it was either time we got help or throw in the towel. His reply was he would be soo embarrassed if his family found out we split over NO SEX. What the hell does that tell me?

It sounds like he's more interested in appearances than having a healthy relationship. I usually don't like to put this out there, but his concern w/ appearances makes me wonder if he's hiding something, like a fetish or big part of his sexuality. Is it possible he's pretending he's straight, or needs something very specific to enjoy sex?

Yes, it does happen. Just because he has a cock doesn't mean he likes or wants sex.

If you haven't been happy with your sex life for the past 9 years, I'm guessing it is over. That's a long time for resentment to build, and it tells me he's unlikely to change his ways.

Along with counseling (even if he won't go, go for yourself), you *might* be able to avoid divorce if you both agree that you value the relationship, want to stay together and it's fine for you to have other partners. This isn't as easy as it sounds, but it does work for some people, and the worst that can happen is that you end up right back where you are now (contemplating divorce). If it doesn't work out, well, at least you can feel good and part knowing you tried everything.

 

[infinity706]

Well, contrary to popular belief, there are plenty of women out there that are pissed off because they don't get fucked enough. At least you have your batteries to keep you company, though. Of course, if he's not worried about putting any effort into fucking you, then just don't give him any. If he cares, he'll eventually come around. If not, what do you have to lose? You could do what another woman did, though. Just tell him there will be sex at your house on specific days at whatever time it is that you want, whether he participates or not. If he wants to keep you to himself, he can come seduce you himself. If not, he can just sit there an play his video games while you make some other guy's day.

 

[Jeanx2storm]

Sure, he should get his hormone levels and such checked out, but I'm not convinced this is a medical issue. What was his upbringing like? Was he raised with an unhealthy relationship model (e.g. his parents were distant toward each other) or the idea that affection, intimacy or sex was 'wrong/bad'?

It sounds like he's more interested in appearances than having a healthy relationship. I usually don't like to put this out there, but his concern w/ appearances makes me wonder if he's hiding something, like a fetish or big part of his sexuality. Is it possible he's pretending he's straight, or needs something very specific to enjoy sex?

Yes, it does happen. Just because he has a cock doesn't mean he likes or wants sex.

If you haven't been happy with your sex life for the past 9 years, I'm guessing it is over. That's a long time for resentment to build, and it tells me he's unlikely to change his ways.

Along with counseling (even if he won't go, go for yourself), you *might* be able to avoid divorce if you both agree that you value the relationship, want to stay together and it's fine for you to have other partners. This isn't as easy as it sounds, but it does work for some people, and the worst that can happen is that you end up right back where you are now (contemplating divorce). If it doesn't work out, well, at least you can feel good and part knowing you tried everything.

Erika is right; there are too many things it could possibly be and from what you've said, it sounds like your SO has no interest in being 'open' about it.

He doesn't appear to be anywhere close to miserable and when he said he'd be embarrassed if his family found out that you broke up due to 'lack of sex', well, that makes me think that he's thought about separating before. It's no good if the only reason he's staying with you is to avoid embarrassment. I hate to say it, but it might be time to move on.

 

[CWatson]

I forgot to mention we are early 30's does this really happen???

Actually, let me also point out that you're currently at the peak of your horniness. God only knows how this came about, but men are most interested at sex when 18 years old, women when 35.

As to his embarrassment about getting divorced over sex, tell him: "Then maybe we should start having it so we don't get divorced over it."

Finally: if this really is something you're considering throwing the towel in over, you really should seek counseling first, which probably no one here on this board is competent to give you (especially over the Internet). Before you do anything irreversible, make sure--make sure--you know his side of the story, fully and completely; that he knows yours, fully and completely; and that you both understand the consequences of a) staying together and b) not. That means you telling him straight-out that if he isn't willing to compromise and/or explain the reasons behind his lack of compromise, you're gone. You have to communicate, thoroughly--even about the fact that maybe you won't be communicating with him anymore.

Good luck.

 

[rumcokecherry]

Sigh..

I can sympathise with your predicament but if he has always been like this and you chose to marry him then you made a rod for your own back.

He actually was NEVER like this..... Things were great normal and healthy. We didnt have great mind blowing sex until after we were married. Things seemed to get better then.........POOF

I was starting to think he was seeing someone else so my reply was yeah bring her along .. and yes I was serious.

I'm really open minded

 

[rumcokecherry]

You two need to sit down and have a heart to heart and find out what's going on, deep down. Avoid accusatory language and the "you" word. He'll automatically become defensive and closed off.

We have had heart to heart talks and beleive me when I tell you that I'm the most open person and I knew I was going to have to tip toe around this.

Basically he said he just wasnt raised to talk about sex....he even stutters when he says SEX.. He says that in reality he just doesnt know what to do.. but when I do "guide" him he tenses up, seems not to want to continue.

Which he has never acted that way when we were first exploring our bodies.. I even asked him if he was repulsed by me? which the answer was always how can he be..

I even asked a few of my Gay friends if they suspected him of being secretly Gay. I even asked him and he said NO .......... NEVER I cant. I have asked him to talk to me, he shuts down. He cant he walks away and changes the subject.


meanwhile I talk very openly about it, sometimes me and mother have open conversations and hes there listening but I always notice him tense up.

 

[rumcokecherry]

Sure, he should get his hormone levels and such checked out, but I'm not convinced this is a medical issue. What was his upbringing like? Was he raised with an unhealthy relationship model (e.g. his parents were distant toward each other) or the idea that affection, intimacy or sex was 'wrong/bad'?

The reason why I think this is so, is because I have seen my uncle go through this with his wife.. She said the same thing, he lost interest in sex. He wouldnt even go near her and then there was a significant weight gain. She took him to the dr and sure enough he had no testosterone in his body... and his muscle mass was gone.

Mind you my man was in the Navy and fit, since he got out he was still keeping up with himself. Then the weight hit him and he seemed not to care. He's mentioned it a few times that he feels "Fat".

Lets go running, lets go walking, bike riding......he wont....just plays video games.... And he has just about every system there is.

His parents are divorced, his dad well he hasnt had a girlfriend in about 5yrs.. and doesnt seem to be dating much.

 

[rumcokecherry]

Actually, let me also point out that you're currently at the peak of your horniness. God only knows how this came about, but men are most interested at sex when 18 years old, women when 35.

As to his embarrassment about getting divorced over sex, tell him: "Then maybe we should start having it so we don't get divorced over it."

Finally: if this really is something you're considering throwing the towel in over, you really should seek counseling first

I have the sexual strength like Wonder Woman......lol and I have been meditating to keep it under control, before I do something that I will regret.

Yes this is something I am seriously throwing the towel in.. but before I do I would like to try every possible way to fix this for peace of mind. I have asked him to go to a counseler and he flat out refused, he said that he couldnt bring himself to talk about this openly with a stranger.

Thats why I went to the boards to see if anyone else went through something like this. I do beleive there is something else aside that is bothering him and I've been trying to keep communication open between us, but so far it seems one sided.

 

[CWatson]

Yes this is something I am seriously throwing the towel in.. but before I do I would like to try every possible way to fix this for peace of mind. I have asked him to go to a counseler and he flat out refused, he said that he couldnt bring himself to talk about this openly with a stranger.

Thats why I went to the boards to see if anyone else went through something like this. I do beleive there is something else aside that is bothering him and I've been trying to keep communication open between us, but so far it seems one sided.

Well, I'm glad you're trying to fight for it. But, as you must know by now, it takes two to make a marriage work.

Basically, you need to just give him the choice. "If you can't talk to me about the things that are bothering you, we can't stay married. Open up or lose me forever." Obviously, he won't like either option--I mean, for heavensake, you're what every other man on this board would die for; for every woman with a spouse uninterested in sex there's a hundred men with the same problem! Your husband has got it made but his head's so far up his ass he can't see it! He wants to live his private, boring, isolated life. Tell him the truth: that whether he wants it to or not, his life is about to change. From now on, he will either have his comfortable isolation or he will have you, but not both. The only choice left to him is which one he keeps.

There is almost certainly something behind his unwillingness for sex. Sex is generally the first thing to break down if a relationship is going sour. The question is not, Is there something he's hiding; the question is, Will he face it, or run from it. Your job is to make it so that he can't run from it anymore. Either he faces it by admitting it... Or he faces it by losing you because of it. Go ahead and link the consequences together. You can't make him change; you can only make him want to change. You can only give him reasons why changing would be for the best.

 

[gloriann]

My ex was very similar...

I hate to sound like such a crumudgeon, but lack of sex was one of the things that broke us up. It wasn't the only thing, but it was in the top tier of reasons.

Ask yourself what you want from a relationship, and have him ask himself, too. If you're on the same page, then, great, maybe something can be worked out. If not, at least you'll know.

Do what's best for you, dear.

 

[rumcokecherry]

I hate to sound like such a crumudgeon, but lack of sex was one of the things that broke us up. It wasn't the only thing, but it was in the top tier of reasons.

Thats what my mother is telling me....

She told me, she didnt have to ask she can see thr frustration and YES shes talked to him about it.. Again we are very open about sex etc..

I think that was one conversation men would hate to have with your mother in law..

Picture Dharma & Greg..... I think apart of him died during that conversation and he turned to me with eyes that read you told her??????? which of course my mom sensed it and she told him...... She hasnt told me anything a blind man can walk in and tell my daughter hasnt hasnt has some good loving in a while.

She basically told him to plan a vacation get away change the scenery..... do something about it before the relationship dies.

So yeah here I am waiting as usual........ patiently.

 

[SweetErika]

Could he be depressed? The low libido, isolation, apathy, touchiness...that sounds like a mood disorder to me.

The thing is, even if he does have low testosterone or an imbalance in his brain chemistry, will he go to the doctor to get it checked out? If you make an appointment for him, will he go to it and be honest enough for the doc to get a good picture of what's going on?

The more you say, the worse your future together looks in my eyes. He sounds really screwed up and apathetic. It doesn't sound like he loves himself or you. While you might find a workaround for a time, and I hate to say it, I think you're right to seriously consider divorce. It's not really the sex (or lack thereof) that's splitting you up; the sex is just a symptom of larger problems.

Go to therapy, try any suggestions your therapist has, but start getting your ducks in a row because this could very well be unsolvable. IMO, one of the marks of the death of a relationship is when at least one of the people isn't willing to do the hard work to fix problems anymore. Sadly, it sounds like he's there, and has been for a long time now.

 

[coastal-boy]

it's the dope

 

[PertPerth]

Firstly, you have my sympathy. It can't be easy to be in a marriage where you aren't feeling fulfilled.
While it's harder to change when you're stuck in a rut (and have been for years) it's not impossible. The biggest hurdle is getting him to WANT to change.

My suggestions would be to not push too hard with "talking about sex" if that makes him feel really uncomfortable. Not only will you feel like you're 'failing', but it may make things worse for him too. Try just to spend time with him...to get those couple moments that you had back when you were dating. More casual chats might be a better approach. Being pushed into seeing a therapist and you might go backwards (though might not too...it's a hard call!)
And most importantly...the bedroom is only for sex and sleeping. No computer games and no TV.

good luck

 

[gloriann]

Your mom sounds like a great lady. Your man is probably a good guy, too. It really just sounds like you two aren't on the same page regarding sex; you're open, he's not, you're into it, he's not. It could be some of the other things people are mentioning: depression, etc.

I really do wish you the best of luck, but don't wait your life away. You won't be doing you or your husband any good by doing that.

 

[Bokimbol]

You want to hear something funny? Goofy 2 may not be far from the truth. I know whenever a new game comes out that I get really obsessed with my sex drive goes way down as my mind is always on the game. Even in bed. So when I caught the problem I made sure not to play the game before nights I might have sex. Of course after sex all is fair game. lol.

 

[human_male]

There are many posts like this from men in the same boat as you and I think it's just as sad. I shouldn't really talk because I don't have much experience with relationships, and I'm not married. So feel free to ignore this. But from a purely practical point of view... if you've done everything that you possibly can, if you've worked through all the suggestions here and he flatly refuses to seek help, or talk about it, or even admit that there's a problem then you have a decision to make. Do you carry on with things the way they are now year after year for the rest of your life, or do you try to find some way to live with it like take a lover, or do you get out before you waste any more of your life?

It's sad to think that something may have happened to make him this way, something that might be fixable. But as someone said it takes two to make a marriage and if he refuses to even try then surely it's hopeless. On the other hand maybe he's always been like this and all the sex in the past was just him keeping up appearances because he just wanted to get married and settle into a nice comfortable life where he could just play his video games. And if that's the case, frankly it's fraud.

And I may be letting my own frustrations get the better of me here, but I'm sitting here playing silly Xbox all night because I don't have a girlfriend, especially not some horny hottie... and I think about this fucking guy with a wife like you... well, forgive me.

Whatever happens I wish you well.

 

[rumcokecherry]

Update*******

First off let me thank everyone for the comments and suggestions..

This past week I basically had a mini blow up..I was determined to get it out of him which started off as a bad conversation....but I did get some info out of him..

I usually dont shout or yell, but this time I told him that if he didnt give me any attention I was out of here.. he was shutting me out as usual. So I packed my bags and was going to walk out the door, when it hit him.

For the first time we shut off the games and the pc and we talked. He felt mismatched against my libido and blamed me for wanting what he couldnt provide. This is nothing that I could help and I told him that my libido wasnt to blame that I really thought he was depressed and needed help.. and his reply was yes he was feeling depressed about everything and was drowning his sorrows in video games...

 

[rumcokecherry]

Hes been feeling bad for just about everything and he couldnt express himself.. So he said he came home, followed the routine of just eating, sleeping and working.. to get through the week day and when the weekend came instead of spending sexual love making time with me.. he spent it blaming himself and playing games..

So I told him I wasnt expecting him to pull a 180 overnight but I wanted to see some change in him. So we went out on a date, spent time at the beach, went to the movies. No pressure was put on him.. we had a really great time together and went out for a night of partying..

and a unexpected surprise happened on sat night.. whoo hoo I dont know if it was the sea air or the few beers he was drinking but he felt relaxed and horny for the first time in months. I can tell you its been a while since I've waken up sore after a night of sex!.

We are going to get him some help and hes got appointments back to back and since hes got vacation time coming up Im planning another mini get away.

 

[CWatson]

Awesome! I'm glad things are starting to look up for you.