hi..im new to this..so sorry if i sound a little confusing..i guess i'll start by introducing myself..my name is samantha..im 20 years old..and i have a wonderful boyfriend that i have been with for almost 6 years now..and i love him more than anything..we have sex..not as often as i would like..but i would say about once a week maybe..but anyways..it seems like he doesnt want to do oral or foreplay anymore...just get straight to sex and get it over with..and it bothers me..and i have told him before that i didnt want to get right to it..i would like him to pay more attention to me..i mean i will give him head whenever he asks..because i want to make him happy..but i had asked him the other day if he would finger me a little before we have sex..(i love to get fingered i dont know why i just do)..and he told me he doesnt like it?..when we first started dating thats all he ever wanted to do really and now he tells me he doesnt like it?..he says he doesnt like the way it feels..well im always clean down there..and i am always shaved..so i just dont get it..so i guess my real question is..how do i get him to like it again?..i guess?..im sorry this is so long..i would just like some advice i guess..and another question..do other guys not like the way it feels when your fingers are inside a girl?..thank you if you reply to this..again im sorry it is confusing..
how do i get him to like it again?..
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KokopelliRises
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I am female, but most of the straight guys I've known like to have their hands near a woman's genitals when/before they have sex, something about the texture I think. I'm not implying that he isn't straight, but just noting that it seems a little odd to me as well.
As for the main issue, maybe try a night without sex but just with touching and exploring. Make it clear from the start that intercourse is not the goal of the evening, but simply to try to learn each other's bodies (again).
Other than that, I don't know really what to say.
KokopelliRises
As for the main issue, maybe try a night without sex but just with touching and exploring. Make it clear from the start that intercourse is not the goal of the evening, but simply to try to learn each other's bodies (again).
Other than that, I don't know really what to say.
KokopelliRises
SweetErika
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Welcome, Samantha!
How long ago did this problem start?
I have no idea what your boyfriend's problems are. Maybe he's just incredibly selfish and has realized he gets what he wants (sex and bj's) without having to give anything. Perhaps he's immature enough to understand the value of giving, a woman's pleasure, or that love is about doing the higher good for your partner. Or, maybe he's taken something other guys said or things he saw in porn to heart. My husband suggested he might be bored and/or giving up on the relationship. He couldn't think of a reason for not liking the feel of a pussy...it's hot, it's wet, it's velvety...what's not to love?
Whatever the reason, if it's not acceptable to you, it's not okay because a healthy relationship and sex life requires each person to give 100% and invest in the other's pleasure and happiness. Let's face it: you're not asking him to do anything wild or unreasonable, here; foreplay, oral sex, fingering, etc. are perfectly usual activities that MOST people greatly enjoy!
I'm sure there are some guys who don't like to touch women, and I know there are some who have hangups about oral, but the vast majority of men enjoy foreplay and oral because it gives them a sense of satisfaction to make their partners feel good. I think you'd be hard-pressed to find more than a few guys who won't engage in foreplay and non-intercourse activities, as most realize their partner's pleasure is part and parcel to an enjoyable sex life. I mean, basically what your bf is saying is, "I don't give a shit about how you feel."
If you're brutally honest with yourself, how does he treat you outside the bedroom? Is he kind, caring, thoughtful, interested in you, invested in making you feel good about yourself, good natured, etc.? How do other people see him and your relationship? I know this may seem unrelated, but I don't think it is.
As for a course of action, I'd suggest:
1) Sitting him down outside of the bedroom and saying something like, "I really enjoy it when you finger, perform oral on, and do other foreplay with me, and feel both physical and emotional pain when you don't want to do those things before sex. I'd like to understand your views on this issue better and figure out something that would be good for both of us. Can you help me understand what's going on in your head?"
2) He's either going to try to work it out, or not. If he doesn't, you can say, "I believe mutual giving and pleasure are critical in a healthy relationship and sex life. I respect your right to feel the way you do about giving me pleasure, but I feel differently. It hurts to have sex when I'm not fully aroused and to be the only one giving, so I'm not going to do that anymore." Then, refuse to have sex or please him orally, manually, etc.
3) He'll either figure it out, or he won't. Either way, you can refer him to a great site like this, where womens pleasure is promoted.
If he doesn't figure it out, you're going to have to think very hard about whether you want to continue a relationship with someone who doesn't care about your pleasure or feelings. Are you going to be happy with no foreplay or oral 6 months, a year, 5, 10, 40 years down the road? You can't continue, counting on him to see the light and change his ways someday. Well, you can, but you'll be really unhappy doing so. On the bright side, it's a really good idea to see who else is out there and gain some experience before making more of a commitment, so some time apart may be what's best for both of you.
I was reading your post and actually felt really sorry for you. I love the feel of a womans pussy and can't think of any reason not to pleasure the woman I'm with.
I dont usually post replies I'm more of a lurker (note to self - stop lurking and join in). So I thought of a great reply which I was going to write and then I read SweetErika's post. She said everything I was going to say and more.
All I can say is that as a man my first reaction was the same as SweetErika's husband, I hope I'm wrong. But I would suggest following SweetErika's 3 point course of action. You will know after this.
Good luck
I dont usually post replies I'm more of a lurker (note to self - stop lurking and join in). So I thought of a great reply which I was going to write and then I read SweetErika's post. She said everything I was going to say and more.
All I can say is that as a man my first reaction was the same as SweetErika's husband, I hope I'm wrong. But I would suggest following SweetErika's 3 point course of action. You will know after this.
Good luck
intruder52
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>so i just dont get it..so i guess my real question is..how do i get him to like it again?<
Well I am a man of 55 years young and the only guys I know that don't enjoy a nice shaved clean pussy are gay, and that is not a bad thing to be gay but it would be for you. I don't see how you can make anyone like something they don't like and pressure will only make it worse. For me I love to give my wife whatever she wants with sex, I mean whatever because I love her so damn much.
>and another question..do other guys not like the way it feels when your fingers are inside a girl?..thank you if you reply to this..again im sorry it is confusing<
Fingers, tongue, penis, toes, elbows, face, I just love a wet hot pussy and love to be near one for hours.
Well I am a man of 55 years young and the only guys I know that don't enjoy a nice shaved clean pussy are gay, and that is not a bad thing to be gay but it would be for you. I don't see how you can make anyone like something they don't like and pressure will only make it worse. For me I love to give my wife whatever she wants with sex, I mean whatever because I love her so damn much.
>and another question..do other guys not like the way it feels when your fingers are inside a girl?..thank you if you reply to this..again im sorry it is confusing<
Fingers, tongue, penis, toes, elbows, face, I just love a wet hot pussy and love to be near one for hours.
Mansa Musa
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He likes cock. Dump him. It isn't going to get any better, sorry.
If you've been dating for 6 years, I'll assume that you've known each other since Middle school. And, probably, he's been using you as a beard/safety girl. He may be bi or gay, but you won't know unless you ask him about his preferences. Be ready to receive an unpleasant answer.
Sorry to say it but
I have to agree with the other posters. The only guys I know who don't like the feel and taste of a woman's pussy consider it "messy" and "smelly" and are gay. A gay friend likes to tell the story of his only sexual experience with a woman, referring to his post-fingering finger as "the stinky pinky."
What exactly is clean about a man's asshole is anyone's guess, but there it is. Your BF may not know it, he may be trying to deny/hide it, but I strongly suspect there are some hard questions both of you need to answer about his feelings for you as a woman on a physical level.
Best of luck,
J
I have to agree with the other posters. The only guys I know who don't like the feel and taste of a woman's pussy consider it "messy" and "smelly" and are gay. A gay friend likes to tell the story of his only sexual experience with a woman, referring to his post-fingering finger as "the stinky pinky."
What exactly is clean about a man's asshole is anyone's guess, but there it is. Your BF may not know it, he may be trying to deny/hide it, but I strongly suspect there are some hard questions both of you need to answer about his feelings for you as a woman on a physical level.
Best of luck,
J
mynameiskate
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I'm not one to readily accuse people of homosexuality, but it kind of sounds like he is gay. I'm sorry. 
thank you everyone for your input and advice..sweeterika..thank you for all that you wrote..i do think he is selfish..but i do not think he is gay..i mean he still likes to have sex..he does tell me he loves me all the time..i think i will just sit down with him and try and have a serious talk about this..and see where it goes..but i really dont think i could end my relationship with him over this..but again thank you everyone..
Noor
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I understand your frustration, I have been there. The problem is you like pleasing him and thus keep giving him head, and general given into shotty treatment. Unfortunately if this continues you will grow to associate sex with unpleasantness, so it must stop.
My take is he is being a selfish and/or short sighted guy. Somehow he has come to think this is acceptable when it isn't. It seems pretty straight forward to me, no fucking until he makes you come some other way first. Trade him tongue for tongue, fingers for fingers, and whatever happens you always come first. Think of it as tough love.
I doubt he is gay, sounds more like he is being a jerk. the other possibility is that he has reserved those things for someone else, guys have this interesting compartmentalizing trick that can allow that to happen. He could be fucking you, and doing everything but with someone else. I hope for your sake this is not the case.
My take is he is being a selfish and/or short sighted guy. Somehow he has come to think this is acceptable when it isn't. It seems pretty straight forward to me, no fucking until he makes you come some other way first. Trade him tongue for tongue, fingers for fingers, and whatever happens you always come first. Think of it as tough love.
I doubt he is gay, sounds more like he is being a jerk. the other possibility is that he has reserved those things for someone else, guys have this interesting compartmentalizing trick that can allow that to happen. He could be fucking you, and doing everything but with someone else. I hope for your sake this is not the case.
Noor
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The only bargaining power you have in this is to make him think you are considering ending the relationship.
SweetErika
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I agree wholeheartedly, even though I'm usually very against ultimatums and the 'if you won't do X for me, I won't do Y for you' kind of thing.
In this case, you have to let him know *unequivocally* that you are not okay with his unwillingness to please you. If you keep giving without getting, you're going to be sending him the message that that's an acceptable way to treat you, and it's really not. You deserve someone who goes great lengths to please you, even when all they're getting from it is the warm feeling of knowing you're happy. And, really, you deserve a partner who loves ALL of your parts and is in awe of how amazing it is to give you sexual pleasure with his hands and mouth.
He may say he loves you, but his actions aren't loving or caring in the least. Actions speak a lot louder than words.
If he's not into showing you how much he loves you, he's not worth your time and effort. It's difficult to set boundaries and get out of something you've put a lot into, but you have to be willing to prioritize yourself and do so if you're not getting what you deserve out of the relationship.
That said, hopefully he's being stupid and will come around once you lay it on the line, but if he's not willing to, you've got to stand up for yourself and give yourself the chance to find someone who treats you as well as you treat them.
I don't think he's gay.
However, 6 years of dating, and no signs of marriage? Hmmm... Seems to me he figures he can get what he wants out of you, and you'll just keep putting up with him.
You need to have a serious talk with him, and if he's still being a prick, its time to start seeing other people, cuz he's not right for you.
However, 6 years of dating, and no signs of marriage? Hmmm... Seems to me he figures he can get what he wants out of you, and you'll just keep putting up with him.
You need to have a serious talk with him, and if he's still being a prick, its time to start seeing other people, cuz he's not right for you.
I completely and wholeheartedly disagree with the 'gay' issue. Some people just don't like some things and tastes change. That doesn't mean you have to put up with it.
Erika's step by step plan seems like the most sensible thing to do. Whilst you say that it's not something you would end the relationship over you must think of the future - it's not an ideal situation and it's doubtful that you will grow to accept the situation. You need to change it now before it becomes so ingrained in his behaviour.
Just out of interest, when did he stop being interested in the foreplay side of things? Was it gradual or did he just stop? I thought the idea that men can compartmentalise sexual issues was very interesting. If him stopping the foreplay happened suddenly I woud suggest veering into the area of him having another partner during your 'stages' chat.
Whatever happens good luck, and remember you deserve to get what you want.
Erika's step by step plan seems like the most sensible thing to do. Whilst you say that it's not something you would end the relationship over you must think of the future - it's not an ideal situation and it's doubtful that you will grow to accept the situation. You need to change it now before it becomes so ingrained in his behaviour.
Just out of interest, when did he stop being interested in the foreplay side of things? Was it gradual or did he just stop? I thought the idea that men can compartmentalise sexual issues was very interesting. If him stopping the foreplay happened suddenly I woud suggest veering into the area of him having another partner during your 'stages' chat.
Whatever happens good luck, and remember you deserve to get what you want.
SoleDesire
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This is not your problem...
It's his. I agree, though, that you need to communicate to him that his behavior is unacceptable. He's treating you like a sex doll and you shouldn't tolerate it. I'd tell him no more sex until he starts demonstrating that he cares about you. And then I'd seriously consider getting out of this relationship.
Your BF is not only having sex with you less often than you'd like, he's telling you that it doesn't feel good to give you pleasure. It's one thing to be selfish and not work to please you, it's another to tell you that pleasing you doesn't feel good to him. To me, that travels all the way through selfish into gratuitously hostile. YOU are not dirty. HE is fucked up.
I know that 6 years is a VERY long time when you're 20 (hell, it's a long time when you're 40, or 60). But good sex is not like this. Whether he's gay or just a selfish jerk, you deserve so much better.
It's his. I agree, though, that you need to communicate to him that his behavior is unacceptable. He's treating you like a sex doll and you shouldn't tolerate it. I'd tell him no more sex until he starts demonstrating that he cares about you. And then I'd seriously consider getting out of this relationship.
Your BF is not only having sex with you less often than you'd like, he's telling you that it doesn't feel good to give you pleasure. It's one thing to be selfish and not work to please you, it's another to tell you that pleasing you doesn't feel good to him. To me, that travels all the way through selfish into gratuitously hostile. YOU are not dirty. HE is fucked up.
I know that 6 years is a VERY long time when you're 20 (hell, it's a long time when you're 40, or 60). But good sex is not like this. Whether he's gay or just a selfish jerk, you deserve so much better.
subwannabe
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You are young. Have you even had a relationship with a man, other than this guy? This is probably all you know. The truth is he is selfish and he will not get better. It will only get worse. I get the feeling he is controlling you and you are ok with that, probably because you are young, don't know any better, and are afraid of what the future is like without him. Believe me, the future without him is much, much, better but you have to have the courage to step up to the plate and say it's over. You have the power to make your life better and you are in for a lifelong of misery if you don't. He is not going to change, you have to change your life by dumping him.
SweetErika
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In this case, I'd say it's a very good thing that there are no signs of marriage after six years. They started dating when she was 14, and couples who get married young are MUCH more likely to get divorced. Experience--both life and relationship--is an important predictor when it comes to marital success/failure, and these two have neither. In addition to that, they're having major problems right now.
well thank you again everyone for your opinoins..we actually had a talk last night about this..and he said eventhough he doesnt like it he would do it just to please me and make me happy..and im fine with that i guess..its just i dont like knowing now everytime i ask him for it i know hes not going to like it or be into it..and yes we did start dating when we were young about 5 days after my 15th birthday..and we were each others firsts and onlys..and sometimes i think about what it would be like to be with someone else..but then i think..i love the security and i love being comfortable..and actually there are signs of marriage for us..we have talked about it multiple times..and im sorry but i disagree when you said young couples and much more likely to get divorced my parents got married when my mom was 16 and my dad was 20 and they are going on their 38th wedding anniversary this june and his grandparents also got married young and they are celebrating their 42nd..im not saying we are going to get married this instant..i know im young..but i do know i do want to spend the rest of my life with him..im sorry im not trying to be defensive or anything..and i do appreciate everything everyone is saying...but he isnt a horrible man..he is caring and sweet and loving..and not at all controlling..but he did say he would do it so i guess i am happy..thank you everyone..
Laila_Aurora
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SweetErika
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OK, but what's the REAL reason he doesn't like it?
This definitely warrants A LOT more communication. It could be something that he could work around/through, if he wants to. He certainly has a right to dislike it, but it'd be wise of him to try to figure out and work on whatever problem(s) he has with it because he's unlikely to find female partners who don't enjoy (or are willing to put up with no) foreplay and oral sex, or will be happy with him doing those things even though he dislikes them.
If you have to guess, you're not fine with it, Hon.
You're right, that would really suck! It has a lot of potential to lead to guilt and bad feelings on your side, and resentment on his. Compromise is finding something that works for BOTH of you, not something that doesn't work for either of you.
You can disagree all you want, but it's been scientifically proven that couples who marry young, with little life and relationship experience, are more likely to get divorced. (Link). One reason is what you said - we usually play the field when we're young, and not being able to do so generally leads to an overwhelming desire to do so at some point. Dissatisfaction and cheating aren't good for marriage. Another big reason is we change a ton by the time we're 25 or 30. People who get married in the formative years of their late teens or early twenties often find they've changed in ways that are incompatible with their partner (i.e. they "grow apart").
I'm not saying people don't get married early and have very long, happy marriages ("happy" is very important, as divorce is usually preferable to being unhappily married!). Some--relatively few--certainly do have what it takes and get lucky enough to succeed. However, the odds of that happening are not in your favor, so you'd be wise to take steps that will improve your chances of having a long, happy marriage NOW.
Apart from the title, Should We Stay Together: A scientifically proven[...] by Jeffry H. Larson is an awesome book. My husband and I read it before we got married, just because it gave us some really important things to consider, discuss and watch out for. We got the book a little too late to make different decisions, but it could very well help you make decisions that will improve your chances of having a successful marriage.
Don't worry, I understand what it's like to be told, "You're too young to get married and XYZ [in our case it was living together] is going to greatly increase your chance of divorce." It's crappy, but it's also very smart to be honest about the situation and take the good advice that's being offered, whenever possible. For instance, we recognized living together WAS a risk factor, and we made sure we were doing it for all of the right reasons so we could minimize that risk. The result was that it ended up being a huge positive for us because we learned a lot about each other in that time and used it as a trial period to see just how compatible we might be. We avoided the pitfalls by understanding we might not be compatible and stay together, and making sure we both had the resources to move out on our own at any given time.
Something that might help you succeed is taking a break from the relationship for a specified period of time, say, a year. During that time, go out and see who else is out there, date, have fun! At the end of it, come back together and figure out whether or not you want to continue together and maybe make more of a commitment. If you do, you can go into it with more peace of mind about your compatibility and long-term happiness. If you're truly right for each other, taking a break and gaining experience isn't going to keep you apart, it'll make you a stronger couple.
Not rushing into more commitment is very smart. You're going to change A LOT over the next 5-10 years, and you owe it to yourselves to make sure you have all of the ingredients necessary to make it work well, and you'll be truly compatible and happy for many years to come. Those things take time, honesty, strength, and a ton of hard work.
Best of luck to you!
gregor2001us
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One thing my wife and i did when things were not going well sexually (she was too tired from dealing with 2 kids all day and recovering form pregnancy) was to alternate who would "lead" By that i mean who would spend the time and attention to make the other feel sexy and wanted. This worked well. She knew she would get waht She wanted every other time. And visa versa.
The other thing i will mention is if he is willing to do as you ask, and you play t right, you may be able to change his feelings over time. When he is doing as you wish, do lots of stroking and teasing him. Gradually he will associate the things you like with being turned on and after a while, he may begin to seek them out.
Of course, it could be that underlying problems should be addressed first, as others have nmentioned.
Best wishes, i can't imagine not loving the feel and smell of a woman's pussy.
The other thing i will mention is if he is willing to do as you ask, and you play t right, you may be able to change his feelings over time. When he is doing as you wish, do lots of stroking and teasing him. Gradually he will associate the things you like with being turned on and after a while, he may begin to seek them out.
Of course, it could be that underlying problems should be addressed first, as others have nmentioned.
Best wishes, i can't imagine not loving the feel and smell of a woman's pussy.
Mansa Musa
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And he isn't gay? If not, he isn't worthy of being your potential lifemate. And I'm pretty sure that there's a guy in your circle of friends and acquaintances who'd be ready, willing and eager to spend the rest of his life doing everything that your "loving boyfriend" seems to think is a chore. I'll refrain from starting another "Women say that they want a nice guy, but they keep on dating jerks!" rant, but your problem is almost prototypical of that mindset.
Le_George
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It appears, and don't take this offensively, that he may be either bored or six years is a long time for him to be with just one woman. He's simply going 'through the motion' and obviously the chemistry and romance is not there, especially if you're desiring more and he appears to be content. If he is not pleasing you, say something! Women should not feel discouraged or afraid to say what they want or admit they are unsatisfied. Don't worry about 'bruising his ego,' because if he's that unwilling to satisfy you, you may want to take things into consideration.
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