how do I deal with girlfriends past

[Guest]

when I first meet my girlfriend, she came across as so perfect, prime and proper. She is lovely and all my friends think I have a real gem. The thing is, I havent had many sexual partners, my girlfriend is very attractive but I kind of expected her to have not had many either, she has had 12 which is quite a few more than me but not earth shattering. Also she has gone into great depth into her sexual exploits.

Which include having sex in public and also having a all night 3some, which involved her having sex with the guy 3 times and also going down on and having the girl go down on her.

Also of her 12 lovers, they include black, chinese and Indian men. In bed, she is great, try anything once and taught me a thing or to. She keeps mentioning her past when she can, the 3some comes up all the time, even if its "Did you see america pie 2, he got lucky with the 2 girls didnt he, hehe"

I thought butter wouldnt melt in her month but now I feel totally shocked, I love her so much and maybe one day, even marry her, who knows but boy, I cant believe her past, help me cope!!

 

[huskie]

Sexualy your in over your head?
How long have you been with her? What makes you think you want to marry her?

It sounds like she hopes you will help her continue in her "wilder than noraml" sexual ways?

I think the real question is do you want follow her down that path or do you want to lead her?

If you want to be the leader, take note she is way ahead of you and you wil have a lot of catching up to do. I don't mean you have to go out a screw a bunch of diffrent girls. I mean you will have to broaden your version of sex, maybe quicker than you had hoped?


Huskie
jmo

 

[Monazwx]

Don't worry it, it's the past!

Why are you worrying? She's with you now and you're quite lucky. You have a sexually experienced woman who can tell you exactly what she wants. Unlike lots of girls who are afraid to "test the waters", you girl was curious and explored her adventurous side.

Trust me, twelve isn't bad at all, but the threesome bothered you alot. Don't want to share eh? Are you worried that she might eventually leave you for someone more sexually experienced?

Tell her that mentioning her past escapades is making you uncomfortable, because it's like rubbing salt in a raw wound, and it's making you irritable and not being able to get past her past. If she cares, then she will do her best not to make you feel inadequate, cause you're not.

Again, her past is history, so concentrate on learning those moves and keeping your girl satisified!

 

[Guest]

some good advice

Thanks for the advice, I know in my heart that whats done is done. She is getting better lately and hasnt mentioned things quite so much. We have been together about 6 months now. We have made love in over a dozen positions, used toys, even done it in her bosses office on his desk one weekend.

She does have hang ups about her body though, doesnt like me going down there, gets embarrased by how aroused she becomes down there and thinks its icky.

It bothers me that she was more than happy to let a girl do it but with me, I have to almost pressure her to let me do it, even though I say I really love it, want to give her pleasure and it is far from icky to me.

I want to keep her and keep her satisfied, I dont want her to get bored and go off and have a affair with a women or something dumb cause "only women know" how to touch women.

She does orgasm with me, my sex drive is higher and my experimentation matches or even excedes her own, I wish my sexual history before her was as good as hers, I feel I have missed the boat a little, also I would have loved a 3some too, kind of missed the chance of one perhaps a couple of years back and feel even more gutted now someone very close to me had one.

Just wish I she never told me, why do some people feel the need to spell out there whole sexual past?

 

[huskie]

Just wish I she never told me, why do some people feel the need to spell out there whole sexual past?

Telegraph, telephone, tell a woman........... They can not NOT talk about stuff. My daughter has NOT shut up in four years and she talks in her sleep. Thats women, get used to it.

 

[Different Guy]

I don't want to say anything about your girl dude. I don't know her but I'm just going from my experiance.

I went with a girl when everyone told me to watch our for her because she prefers like, 3 or 4 boyfriends at once and was totally sexually active even though she had a different boyfriend she would be screwing loads of other, 'potential' boyfriends.

She always doin 3sums, getting off with different people at events etc. Thing is, we spent months together with no sex, just real passion or so I thought. She acted like a gem, like the perfect girl in the world and the relationship and emotions we shared seemed real. But she was screwing others whenever I wasn't with her and later found out she actually had a boyfriend aswel!!

Bascially a real whore, and I was told about her history but her front covered it over and I fell in the trap

 

[huskie]

love is blind......... and always will be

 

[Guest]

I beleive that she is faithful to me, you have to trust right or else no one would date. I have a couple of times said, so how many guys you been with and she gave me the same answer each time. She is older now and her college years are behind her, everyone know about college years right?

I do beleive yes is faithful and our relationship is developing into something special, she has a past and dont we all. She seems serious about me and we have talked abit about the future recently, nothing heavy mind.

Thats why I want to put my mind at rest, forget the past and move onto the future.

 

[huskie]

Thats why I want to put my mind at rest, forget the past and move onto the future.

And only you can do that here....... But for god sakes take your time!! I'v been divorce once and once is enough I'll not do that again.

 

[SexyChele]

Wow, I see a lot goin' on here!

Okay, this is how I see it - only my opinion, of course!

Her: For some reason she is getting off telling you about her past. Now, I have not had the most stellar of pasts - far too many partners than I care to admit. But I refuse to share the intimate details with a man I'm involved with romantically, unless he specifically wants to hear about them. (Called a voyeur)

Having worked around sexually abused children for the past 8 years, normally when some one is so free with their sexual past they may (and I use the word "may"!) have been abused - either as a child or as an adult. Could be that one of the 12 did not treat her very well.

Also, a woman who admits to a great deal of experimentation, including allowing another woman to engage her in oral sex, but still has hangups about engaging in oral sex with a man who loves her, is suspect in my mind. Somthing just ain't fittin' here.

I think there is a whole lot more to her past than she is letting out of the bag, but then, I could also be wrong!

You: I'm picking up feelings of insecurity and just a tad of jealousy. Very common. I've been with men who have only had a few partners, and when they finally got me to admit how many I'd had, they became a bit insecure.

Couple of things - 1. the past is past. As long as she hasn't been abused or harmed, both of you should put it where it belongs, and leave it alone. 2. She is with you. That should speak volumes.

Let me tell you that going out and fucking a whole lot of people is not everything the porn flicks make it out to be. And it isn't as exciting as most people think it is. Most of the time it is very lonely, involves a lowering of self-esteem, and a development of a certain cynical view of the opposite sex. I would MUCH rather be with a man who has only had a handful of partners who were truly meaningful to him, than the lothario who only wants to put another notch in his bedpost. You, with limited partners, are probably a bigger prize than you believe yourself to be.

You seem to really be hung up on the 3some thing. But it seems you are concentrating more on the idea that your girl was with another woman. Does this bother? Does it bring up feelings of jealousy? There are many women who enjoy another woman, but who would never "run off" with one. (I'm in that category) You need to ask your girlfriend if she feels she is "bi". If so, it still doesn't mean she will run off with the first female after you two have a spat. It just means that her sexuality is open to both male and female.

And if you are interested in the 3 some thing, why not ask her if she would like to participate in one? Unless the idea of watching her give and receive pleasure from another is something that bothers you. (and that is not all that uncommon, btw)

It sounds to me like you have some sorting out to do. You are going to need to get over her past, but also deal with your own issues, too. It can be done, just depends on how willing you are.

Good luck!

 

[Ice Princess]

Just wish I she never told me, why do some people feel the need to spell out there whole sexual past?

Telegraph, telephone, tell a woman........... They can not NOT talk about stuff. My daughter has NOT shut up in four years and she talks in her sleep. Thats women, get used to it.

That's a pretty offensive generalization there, huskie. I don't think bashing women is going to help this guy with his problem.

 

[huskie]

That's a pretty offensive generalization there, huskie. I don't think bashing women is going to help this guy with his problem.

sorry.... it's an old joke.. the telegraph thing,....... my daughter does talk to much. Thats a fact.

 

[Guest]

Wow, very good and in depth reply, thank you. I guess I am a little jealous if I'm honest. I have a big sex drive and she doesnt as such yet here she is, blowing me out of the water with her stories.

I guess I have missed some opportunities and just not had some, fullstop. She had them handed to her on a plate basically and good for her for taking them, I would have done.

I wonder if there is more to her past than she tells me, more stories that would shock me or is that it. when she first told me, it turned us both on but since falling for her, its gone the other way.

I could ask her about having a 3some but wouldnt know how to without offending her.

Of course, I wont personally cheat, I dont think she would, I think she knows that if I ever found out, thats it, no second chances. I wouldnt expect a second chance either.

Ive known now for about 5 months about this and the closer we get, the more painful it seems to become.

Come on brain, help me out!! let me forget

 

[dreamer]

TALK TO HER!!!!!

If you're even considering a long term relationship, let alone marriage, you need to talk to her about this.

No need to be critical, but let her know precisely what you want sexually out of a partner, and what you don't want. If she is looking for more of the things she's had in the past you'll have to decide if you can live with that. If not, then talking about it should give you an opportunity to let her know it bothers you to continually hear about it and maybe she'll be able to put the past in the past.

There's so many different ways it could play out. But without seriously talking about it--outside of the bedroom--things won't change.

Good luck, I know just how difficult it is to find someone who clicks right outside of the bedroom. Sex just adds one more factor we all have to consider when looking for compatability.

 

[huskie]

Ive known now for about 5 months about this and the closer we get, the more painful it seems to become.

I'm afraid only time and building a relationship on things not just about sex will cure this........ time I mean in years not weeks. This will be made easier for you if she really does things for you other than sex, like has a great sense of humor or really like the same type of movies that you do......stuff like that.

 

[MissTaken]

In order to relax a bit about the whole thing, unreg:

You have to remember that part of her being the girl you care for is based upon her experiences good and bad. But to change one of the 12 lovers, might have changed whether or not the two of you would be together.

Feel lucky and feel sorry for the other 12 guys....

 

[dreamer]

Very nicely put. That's just a great way of looking at things. I've always gone from one long relationship to another so usually the woman is way ahead of me in 'the count.'

I've got a whole new outlook now! Thanks

 

[Guest]

thanks everyone,

I have had some great advice and I doubt Im the only red blooded male thats partner is more experienced and feels bad about it.

But her past has molder her into the person she is now, honest, caring, funny, smart, loving, mature, sexual and I do feel lucky that she is with me.

For the first time in what seems like ages, I am feeling better about this. Also its not like she is a pervert or criminal either is it, its just my mind twisting it into something wrong.

Thanks again guys for your posts, you have helped me chill and hopefully some other guys in my position too that read this

Cheers, over and out

 

[Monazwx]

One last thing . . .

I find the oral sex thing a little strange. Hats off to you for wanting to give oral sex. She should be estatic! SexyChele is right, ask her if she wants a threesome with another person, preferably a girl. Maybe, she enjoys a particular technique that you can witness, if you're both cool with that.

But, eventually, you will need to know whether or not she is willing to give up her "generous" ways and choose monogamy for good.

P.S. I loved the doing it on the bosses desk! Spicy.

 

[rexfelis]

Here's what I get from the whole thing, even if I am a bit late.

You said, if I read that correctly that she has had a 3some with a girl who ate her, and yet she does not want you to eat her. This sends up a red flag. Someone, some male, made her feel "icky down there". Maybe you should ask why she feels that way, gently explore that and see if you can't show her what a fool that guy was.

Also, that intimidation/fear/pain you feel, it's a great way to grow as a person. Use it to explore yourself. It can lead to discovering things about you and remembering things that you don't know or remember, and once you figure out what some of these things are, it becomes much easier to overcome them.

Finally, experience has shown me that trust is something that (for me) must be earned over the span of YEARS. You have only been together for six months. I would say, give her the trust she has earned, but don't short change her the trust she has earned based on your fears.

The single most effective thing to cure what ails you in a relationship is open, honest communication. Use it.

 

[SexySlut2]

If this bothers you so much then you need to talk to her about it, but the bottom line is, it's in the past and thats where it should stay.

 

[EAGLE_TALON812]

past?

Alot of people have things in there*past* that they have done. its up to you to deal with it or move on dont take the next step if you havent dealt with it completely.
Also do you know for sure this is fact and not something that is her fantasy and stimulates her to talk to you about it? or maybe things that she wants to try with you and trying to feel you out on? theres always more then meets the eye..

 

[Guest]

me again

all good points, the thought did cross my mind that it is her fantasy and she made it up. Even thought we have only been dating 6 months, I have known her about 9 months, we joked about and talked sexy a couple of times before going steady and I remember telling her things I would love to do to her, these things later turned up in her sex session plus a couple of other things that she knows turn me on.

I don't really know what to think, in my heart, I think she did have a 3some, if she did as much as she claimed, I do question, her story has changed slightly in its retelling but that could be because I was touching her at the time and she was going for shock / erotic factor.

If it wasnt her, it might have been a friends story perhaps and she got excited about it and recreated it too me too impress me?

She did get extremely turned on when it first came up and the relationship was more based on sex only. We talked about this girl going down on her, fingering her, touching her and she was geniunely thrashing around. Good memories or erotic fantasy???

What should I do know, I know that after all this, she would never admit it was a fantasy, it has caused arguments and that would have been all for nothing.

Perhaps when I next go down on her I will bring it up somehow and expand on the subject, I dont know. help

 

[WhiteRose]

The first (and hardest) thing to remember is that what she did before she met you was HER past, not yours and hers. She didn't hurt you by doing those things. She didn't KNOW you then. She wasn't the same person she is now. We grow through our experiences (hopefully!) and hopefully into better, more "together" people.

I shared some of my past with my ex, but I had a strange need to know about his in detail (and after he cheated on me, I "needed" to know the details about that as well.) I wanted to be the one person that was "better" than the rest. That was really stupid, and I felt a LOT of hurt over what I found out that he had done with other women. Couldn't get the pictures out of my head.

The point that I couldn't see was that he was with ME then. He had moved on from his other relationships (obviously because they didn't work for him), and he had chosen ME. I had a hard time accepting that. My past surprised him too, and he had a hard time accepting some of what I had done (he wanted to be "the one and only"...which is a tough thing to pull off when you aren't a virgin anymore.) He told me afterwards that he'd wished I'd never told him.

Part of the reason I told him was that I wanted to be SURE that he still wanted me once he knew about my history. I was very insecure about that, and maybe that's part of why your gf needed to tell you about her past. And it sounds like she's pretty insecure about her body as well...perhaps she always has been, which makes sense regarding her past behavior. Sometimes we need that attention, that confirmation that we're desireable, whether it's coming from a good place or not.

I don't know how to help you get over her past. I still see the pictures even though I'm no longer with him. But I DO know that I'll do some things differently in my next relationship, even if I have to post a sticky on my forehead reminding me that HIS past is just that. It's not OURS. I'd rather focus on our future rather than his past.

I hope you can find a way to come to terms with her past soon. You'll be happier and she'll probably be a lot more confident and open. Good luck to you!

 

[lawaris]

play around ...........till u like it ...cos' that's what she is doing !