How do I break it off with him?

[liarBIRD]

I don't really post much around the site, as has probably already been noticed. Generally I don't see a need, I'm much more suited to lurking, reading, but now, I'm at a loss.

So, I've gone through a lot the last few months and have been clinging to people more than I should. One of my friends was in an accident breaking their neck, -- alive but not doing well, my boyfriend dumped me without giving a reason, and then, here's the problem. I hooked up and slept with one of his friends who despite never asking me if I wanted to be in a relationship, assumes we are.

I know, it's mostly my fault. When we were talking for a while before hooking up, everything was great, he was lovely, he still is lovely, but unfortunately he is reminding me of my first boyfriend who was a complete doormat. Sure lots of people want someone who will do anything for them, but when this person does it because they're helpless (in other words, they pander to you in order to get you to drive them places etc.) it's not good.

And sure, I could just go "I'm not interested in you" but I'm not that brave. I mean technically, we aren't a couple - since he never asked me out nor did I ask him. But he, and his family think we're dating (Again, probably my fault for spending the night at his place?).

It's really rather stressful and I'm getting pressured from my family to give it a go but I don't know if I can, and I probably sound like a bitch but I can't help my feelings. So, basically, help? Please?

 

[liarBIRD]

Never mind. I told him how I felt and he now hates me. I was nice about it and everything. Fantastic. Oh well, I guess that's what I get for sleeping with a guy I don't want a full on relationship with.

 

[your_vice]

You did the right thing. You can't build a relationship on pity and the longer you left it, the more hurt and betrayed he would have felt. Give him some space to get over himself and with any luck, he'll realise he was a bit of an idiot who made misguided assumptions.

 

[liarBIRD]

Thanks. I've been so out of it recently with everything that's happened and I know I should have never gone along with any of it, I just wanted the closeness. And I didn't honestly expect him to get all attached, after all, we never started the relationship, we just talked on the phone for a bit and such. I really need to make myself clearer in the future, and I've once again learnt some important lessons.

I don't know why I typed so much there, but really, thank you for the post, it does reassure me that I'm not completely heartless.

 

[human_male]

You didn't do anything wrong (assuming you didn't lead him on), so don't beat yourself up. And when you come to end it all you can do is be honest and considerate. If he chooses to be a drama queen about it then let him. Sounds like he really latched onto you in an unhealthy (and creepy way) which is never good.

And tell your family to but out. Who you date or don't date is none of their concern. It sounds like you've got enough stress to deal with without that.

 

[liarBIRD]

I don't think I lead him on. I mean, I flirted with him and everything, but I never once said I was looking for a relationship or anything.

And, I've tried, my family is overly involved in everything. I've got to deal with my mother being ashamed of me for sleeping with him without intending to get into a relationship. I'll just have to deal with it all I suppose.

 

[human_male]

I don't think I lead him on. I mean, I flirted with him and everything, but I never once said I was looking for a relationship or anything.

And, I've tried, my family is overly involved in everything. I've got to deal with my mother being ashamed of me for sleeping with him without intending to get into a relationship. I'll just have to deal with it all I suppose.

Why does your family have to know everything?

 

[liarBIRD]

They just like to know everything, whatever I don't tell them, they find out off other people, the bloody stalk my friends on facebook. I need to get a job so I can move out and not tell them anything at all, but that will take time.

 

[your_vice]

I don't think I lead him on. I mean, I flirted with him and everything, but I never once said I was looking for a relationship or anything.

And, I've tried, my family is overly involved in everything. I've got to deal with my mother being ashamed of me for sleeping with him without intending to get into a relationship. I'll just have to deal with it all I suppose.

I think people who've been in a long term marriage can lose touch with the pitfalls of youth that they (presumably) avoided in finding a partner they could spend their life with. You mother might be a pain in the ass but it shows she cares for you. She might be worried that you're going to become unhealthily promiscuous but it shouldn't take too much time to prove her wrong. Nobody wants their daughter in an unhappy relationship but no mother wants her to be referred to her as the local bike either and sites like FB have a talent for stirring up Chinese whispers. Just accept her concern for the love that it is and take it with a pinch of salt. One day you might have a daughter and I'm sure you wouldn't want to think of her as easy.

 

[liarBIRD]

I think people who've been in a long term marriage can lose touch with the pitfalls of youth that they (presumably) avoided in finding a partner they could spend their life with. You mother might be a pain in the ass but it shows she cares for you. She might be worried that you're going to become unhealthily promiscuous but it shouldn't take too much time to prove her wrong. Nobody wants their daughter in an unhappy relationship but no mother wants her to be referred to her as the local bike either and sites like FB have a talent for stirring up Chinese whispers. Just accept her concern for the love that it is and take it with a pinch of salt. One day you might have a daughter and I'm sure you wouldn't want to think of her as easy.

I have nothing against my mother caring, it's just the obsessive nature of it that bothers me. And I fully understand her concerns, I mean, I understand that I shouldn't have slept with him or anything - I understand even more so now that I've done it. I've just got to learn to be more tolerant of my my mother and other relatives who always seem to be pushing me more towards being a nun than a young woman. lol.

 

[liarBIRD]

UPDATE:
Apparently I'm not hated, and I'm worth waiting for, even after I've said I'm not interested in a relationship and don't want him to wait. What am I supposed to do now?

 

[Arianthe]

UPDATE:
Apparently I'm not hated, and I'm worth waiting for, even after I've said I'm not interested in a relationship and don't want him to wait. What am I supposed to do now?

I have found "Fuck off, I'm not interested" to be quite effective in the past.

Sometimes being nice and considerate doesn't have the desired effect.

 

[infinity706]

Well, I can definately say it was nicer than anyone's ever ended a relationship with me. I had one that just packed up and moved away overnight, one that asked to meet somewhere and never showed up, two that deleted me from all their social sites, email, etc.,....

Anyway, it's not really your fault. If you want to hook up with someone, you should be able to. Just be a little more careful who you do it with in the future.

 

[subwannabe]

I don't know how to say this without being blunt but you should quit asking for advice on how to handle this stuff and do what you want to do. It's like you want someone else to make all of your decisions for you. I don't know how old you are but you need to get some balls and get a job and your own place, tell your family to get out of your life, and date the people you want to date and tell the other ones you're not interested. Don't feel obligated you have to do this or that to please someone else. You need to be selfish but you can't be selfish while living at home with your parents because you can't take care of yourself.

 

[your_vice]

UPDATE:
Apparently I'm not hated, and I'm worth waiting for, even after I've said I'm not interested in a relationship and don't want him to wait. What am I supposed to do now?

A close runner up to 'fuck off' is the old, 'I'm just not into you, so it's not going to happen, ok?' This guy sounds insecure and needy. He's clutching at straws in the hope that if he hangs around long enough, you'll suddenly fall for him. You and I know you won't so stick to your guns. Don't get dragged into pity dates and avoid hanging out with this guy because if you're really unlucky, just hanging out with him will be enough for him to start fantasise about marriage and kids.

Remember though, if things were reversed you'd think him the worst kind of asshole so try to keep your dignity and avoid being rude or unkinder than you need to, even if he drives you crazy for a while. He'll get over this in time.

 

[coastal-boy]

life is strange isn't it? Close one issue and another pops right up. What makes us is how we handle those issues. What are you supposed to do? How about not worrying about it and going on with your life? It isn't your responsibilty to take care of him. If he wants to sit back and dream of something that he will never have, that is his choice. It should be your choice to simply move on. When he sees that this is what you have done (and he will), he'll move on. If this is what you want, then stop replying to him.

 

[satindesire]

UPDATE:
Apparently I'm not hated, and I'm worth waiting for, even after I've said I'm not interested in a relationship and don't want him to wait. What am I supposed to do now?

Cut contact. Period.

If you see him, talk to him, even just try and be nice to him out of social mores, he's going to see it as encouragement. The more you ignore and avoid him, the faster he'll get over you.

And unfortunately, that's ALL you can do. The rest is up to him.

Hope you get to feeling better soon hon.

 

[liarBIRD]

Thanks everyone, I've explained everything more to him, I think it's sinking in, but he still wants to hang out -- which I'm avoiding because I know it's not good for either of us. Currently I'm avoiding talking to him at all, hopefully it will all sort itself out.

 

[silverwhisper]

liarbird, i've been in the position of that guy.

maybe he's long-term BF material, maybe he isn't. but without any comfort on your part that he could be "the guy", i absolutely agree that avoiding contact with him is the best route to go. because if you don't start avoiding him--and i do mean immediately--somewhere in the back of his head will be the idea that there's a possible future there involving you two in a romantic and exclusive relationship.

i don't think you owe him anything, assuming you've always been clear that this isn't a relationship you want.

but on the off chance that there was any ambiguity on the matter, you owe it to yourself and to him to make that point explicitly and bluntly clear.

the expression "cruel to be kind" has a basis in reality, and it's one that you really should consider seriously, at least IMHO.

ed