How could I have made it better?

[O2]

Ok, so my ego is bruised for not getting an "H" and a higher rating than a 1.00.

What could I have done different?

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=290563

 

[janiexx]

Ok, so my ego is bruised for not getting an "H" and a higher rating than a 1.00.

What could I have done different?

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=290563

Hi,

I just skimmed quickly but it may have something to do with the fact that the story starts with two women making love and it's in the Erotic Couplings category.

A reader expecting straight sex may vote you down immediately without reading the rest of the story.

Your writing looked pretty good to me.

Just a thought, but I may be very wrong!

janiexx

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

You have a couple of problems with the story (beyond a missing comma or two).

One is confusing word choice. I call these "Speed Bumps". Examples:

"... Leslie's slim digits..." Huh? I know you meant fingers, but digits?

"...as she covered Julia's breast with her mouth..." I assume either "she" has an enormous mouth or Julia has a tiny breast. I stumbled.

"...continued her focus on Julia's nipples and breasts." Focus = intently watching. She's looking at Julia's nips and tits? That doesn't fit with the action.

None of these are "fatal errors" and certainly don't justify a crummy vote score.

Overall, the writting is pretty clean. The characters are good, as is the action and dialogue. I should say, it's been my experience that Erotic Couplings is a tough catagory. This story would have done a lot better in the Lesbian Catagory.

Don't be disheartened. You did alright with this story.

 

[3113]

Ok, so my ego is bruised for not getting an "H" and a higher rating than a 1.00.

What could I have done different?

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=290563

It's chapter III. How did the first two chapters do?

 

[Vermilion]

think someone else wrote the first chapters... at least, that was the impression I got from the intro...

 

[OhMissScarlett]

Ok, so my ego is bruised for not getting an "H" and a higher rating than a 1.00.

What could I have done different?

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=290563

I have to agree with Janie that the problem is probably that the story is in the wrong category. I even did a little double take when I realized, given the category, that Leslie wasn't a man. If this is a part three to two other parts written by another author, there's nothing to link the following those stories had to your story. Also, bear in mind that just because the prior stories were in the EC category doesn't mean that this one belongs there. Readers usually won't read a chapter of a story that can't stand alone from a backstory.

Otherwise, I didn't see anything off-putting about the writing at all. Maybe if you switch it, it will do something, eh?

 

[tanyachrs]

You have a couple of problems with the story (beyond a missing comma or two).

I'd be interested to know where the commas are missing.

 

[O2]

How could I have made it better.....

Gosh Tanya, I wonder why.....

Thanks for the comments, I didn't know you could switch catagories after it had been published. I'll have to look into that.