how can this story get any better ?

[litstorywriter]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=484196

only 2 pages but..
i spent a month editing it over and over again. i hope to have improved since my first story by adding 'dialogue' and 'long descriptive scenes'.
i realize there is no story, but i think the description is original.

please do leave me a comment. i've tried hard.

 

[CrimsonMaiden]

I am moving this thread into the Story Feedback forum. The SDC is a place for more structured, detailed critique. If you wish to participate, you must sign up in the Queue thread.

 

[sr71plt]

I am moving this thread into the Story Feedback forum. The SDC is a place for more structured, detailed critique. If you wish to participate, you must sign up in the Queue thread.

It's already here.

 

[CWatson]

Well, your first problem is your lack of commas. Before you open a quotation, you need one.

She had joked, "This is your first sin."

Secondly, you should know that it's really okay to have paragraphs that are longer than one sentence long. I realize that's a stylistic thing, and--to be sure--what you've got now is not wrong. But it could be more right too. Paragraph size is an important aspect of how the prose flows, and jagging it up with unnecessary paragraph breaks can break the spell of words you're weaving (which is the absolutely very last thing you ever want to do). Read other authors and see what you can learn from their paragraphy.

Onamotopeiac sound descriptions, like, "aaaaaaaaww..mmmnn...oww", are not particularly descriptive. Not everybody makes sex noises. And, personally, I would rather know what she is feeling than anything else. A sex story is about getting under a character's skin.

I can't attest to the descriptions very much, because generally I skip the sex scenes (much as you'd skip evaluating the explosions when reviewing an action movie) and besides NC/reluc is not my cup of tea. But I did check out the ending and found it frankly disappointing. I want to know what happened to the characters. What happened between Robert and Catherine after her violation? What kind of conquesting did Anthony go on to do, and what did his wife have to say about the (eventual) nature of her marital relations? (He's bound to have one at some point; a ruler needs an heir, the fate of Anthony's father is itself proof of that.) If the circumstances of the tale is simply about putting all the power in Anthony's hands so that he can have his way with Catherine, well, then you don't need half a page of set-up. You could have started with him coming into the room and worked all that other stuff in as the story progressed. On the other hand, if you're going to start with character development, then The Reader is going to assume that character development is important to the story--is, in fact, the most important part of the story, because you started with it--and be confused when you don't end with it.

So, that's what I've got. Hope it helps some.

 

[sr71plt]

OK, I read this story because I was amused that you were getting a critique on a story on an erotica board from someone who skips the sex scenes.

I found the format awkward--enough disclaimers on the top for this to be a legal document, and awkward sectioning without transitions.

Anytime you are using a "kingdom" setting like this, you are implying a "yesteryear" unless made clear it's contemporary, and you really need to set the atmosphere and write within the mode of someplace/sometime that isn't here/now. You didn't do that for me. There was no putting me in another place/time, and you used words like "guy" and "pussy" that were jarring to such a claimed setting. The presumed other time/place just resulted in stilted phrasing and some background failings. About the only thing tying this to a "kingdom" (other than servants giving the king a bath) was the male of the piece. It didn't help to call him king/prince/sir/lord/God. Not only is it confusing to the reader to catch up to who you're talking about, men weren't all those things at one time at any time of history that I know of.

I didn't find the transition of the king from an inexperienced boy to a cruel, sexual predator convincing (or even developed in any way, really). I didn't find it convincing that maidens who would be called to give their king, whose age they obviously would know (they'd even know his sexual reputation, for that matter), a bath would be innocent of what they were there for. And further, in any time in what we think of as kingdoms, I don't find it plausible that they either wouldn't readily give him what he wanted or that they would call him the foul names they did here (unless he told them to because it turned him on). The toing and froing without anything in the way of hot sex (at least imaged as such) became tedious for me.

I did read the sex scene, but I found in rather clinical--not sensual, certainly not arousing in any way. And nothing in the description of any of the characters made them desirable to me.

The king comes off as a jerk and the maidens as dunces--not a bright bulb or sizzling sex object in the whole crew.

As already said, there are some editing problems and the paragraphing needs to be tightened up.

If you enjoyed writing it, though, that's good enough for me.

 

[manyeyedhydra]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=484196

only 2 pages but..
i spent a month editing it over and over again. i hope to have improved since my first story by adding 'dialogue' and 'long descriptive scenes'.
i realize there is no story, but i think the description is original.

please do leave me a comment. i've tried hard.

I'd avoid the whole 'spend a month editing it over and over again.' You'll only trap yourself in a rut.

Call it done, then move onto the next story. And do the same for the next one and so on. You'll get better with writing new and different stories and can alway go back to the first premise later
with an improved eye.