How can I get my wife to spill the beans?

[Mel123]

Ok friends, I need some help.

I have a fantastic relationship with my wife. However, there is one thing that has been bugging me the entire time we have been together.

I can't get her to tell me what her fantasies/fetish(es) is/are.

Every time I ask, or try to get some insight (every couple of months or so...I don't want to nag), she always says "You" (referring to me) or "I have none."

Needless to say, I don't believe that.

I've picked up over the years that she likely was into some pretty crazy stuff back in her high school/college days, but I can't get her to talk about it or anything. Maybe she is now embarrassed by some of it, but I would like to explore some of that and mix up our sex life!

So, my question to anyone who may be able to offer assistance is: How can I get her to open up about this? She knows what I like...but I want to know what she likes. Help!

 

[FSUBasketball]

Can't help you much here. I've wanted to know the same thing with my girl and she doesn't share much. Let me know if you find out how to get her to reveal.

 

[masterdrakin]

you could always try telling her some of yours and see how that goes.if that fails you could always get her a little tipsie and try asking then.there is always the ask her during a hot romantic sexual encounter get her all worked up not letting her cum and then ask

 

[Stella_Omega]

Unfortunately, for women, sexual fantasies often aren't only about sex. Some of the reasons why women won't share their fantasies;

1. She feels that her fantasies are her private property (as indeed they are) and one of the few things that no one can ever take from her.
   
2. Her fantasies include things that are impossible, like having a dick, a tail, wings, a villa in the south of France, months without children around.
   
3. She feels that sharing would be more hurtful than helpful, for a variety of reasons, including:
   • She feels that sharing her secrets would disturb the power balance in the marriage.
     
   • She doesn't trust him to listen or understand the nuances-- possibly she herself doesn't know how to explain the nuances.
     
   • The woman feels that her husband will not be able to create the situation she fantasizes about. Her experiences with him indicate that he will not hear or act on the subtle points that make the experience erotic, and she doesn't want her fantasy torn up.
     
   • She feels that he might hear her out and then be uninterested in exploring them with her, leaving her with a sense of rejection.
     
   • Her fantasies focus on a specific person, who is not her husband-- usually, a real person, and often a celebrity-- that he could never compete against in real life.
4. For some women, there is no real "fantasy" at all, but a set of odd mental images sounds, emotions-- nothing that can be made sense of when recounting them, but trigger her orgasm for her.

 

[Stella_Omega]

So... these things might have to be addressed before she will open up to you. And she still might not-- you would have to let her know that's her option as well.

 

[BartMann]

Different wiring, I guess

Women seem to have "flashes" of fantasies -- Random images that come and go when they're getting busy by themselves. (It's like chasing that damned G-spot.) It's difficult to provide a structure to what actually triggers their orgasm, so they can't really translate it into a logical progression. It's like trying to create a backstory for a random slide show.
Your best bet is to try to create that structure for her by proposing some stories that hit scenarios that you think might strike some buttons. (Penthouse forum style... and alcohol helps.) Pay attention to her responses, and you'll help her catalog what she really likes. It takes a fair amount of time to gain her trust and organize all the variables, but, when the library is complete (although it never really is), you'll have some weapons and open the doors for her to ask you about yours and actually listen/respond when you tell them.
(My experiences, anyway.)
Good luck!

 

[Stella_Omega]

Bartmann, yes!

 

[Hornysailor61]

IMHO for every man that has this problem, with his women, there are 10 women who will say they have the same problem with there men. In both cases it is a ego problem, fear of being found out or scoffed at by their pardners because they are ashamed of what ever they are afraid to talk about with their pardners and all the coaxing in the world won't get them to shame them selves.

 

[amofiga]

Ok friends, I need some help.

I have a fantastic relationship with my wife. However, there is one thing that has been bugging me the entire time we have been together.

I can't get her to tell me what her fantasies/fetish(es) is/are.

Every time I ask, or try to get some insight (every couple of months or so...I don't want to nag), she always says "You" (referring to me) or "I have none."

Needless to say, I don't believe that.

I've picked up over the years that she likely was into some pretty crazy stuff back in her high school/college days, but I can't get her to talk about it or anything. Maybe she is now embarrassed by some of it, but I would like to explore some of that and mix up our sex life!

So, my question to anyone who may be able to offer assistance is: How can I get her to open up about this? She knows what I like...but I want to know what she likes. Help!

Your wife sounds like mine with respect to telling her fantasies. I tried years ago and I got the same sorts of results, "I don't have any." I'd try to get her to read some of the "fantasy books" by Nandy Friday and she didn't want to. When I told her some of mine, she got upset. Gradually, very gradually, she started to open up and it was less in the form of fantasies and more in the form of her real experiences in high school, college, and right after college before we met. Frankly, listening to some of the real history was as hot or hotter than "fantasy" for me. When the subject of fantasies came up again, she told me, "they're things I don't want to go into." I tried to tell her that nothing was off limits and nothing would upset me, but I still think she's too afraid to let me see her truly dark side. Unfortunate.

Try some little stuff first and maybe get some erotic movies to open up some lines of communication. That might work. Then again, maybe it's just too close to her "core being". I know that after the response I got to some of the "milder" things I told her, I'd be a little hesitant to really show some of my deeper thoughts. I always remember the line, "be carefule what you wish for." Once things are "let out of the box" you can't put them back in again.

Good luck. I've learned that in our case, some things just seem to be too sensitive for her to want to reveal or to hear. I wish it would have been otherwise.

 

[Blue_Duck]

My wife is much the same. She will not share any of her fantasies with me.....it is very frustrating.

 

[shewantsmore]

what makes you think shes got anything to tell

 

[Noor]

If she wants to tell you, she will. Stop prying. Her fantasies, if she has them are hers.

My fantasies like my preferred sex acts are person specific and if they don't involve that person, I don't share them.

Besides would you really want to know that she fantasies about some former cyber guy in a cowboy hat, that she misses how her first love could make her scream or the way a former lover could lift her up and move her during sex as smoothly and effortlessly as you could move your hand through air?

 

[nikkifromny]

Hmm... This is a tricky one. I agree with Stella and other posters; there are many possible reasons why she won't tell you.

One thing to ask yourself is: why do you want to know? Is there a way you can find/get what you want (intimacy?) without her having to answer that question?

I was running into the same type of roadblock with my lover. Then I realized that the reason I wanted to know was that I was feeling insecure about whether I was pleasing him. So I asked what type of porn he liked and I told him I'd show him a clip I liked, if he wanted me to.

It turned out he likes big booties. I don't have a big ass, so maybe he was hesitant because he didn't want to hurt my feelings.

But once he told me, and I didn't react with offense and hurt feelings, we were able to play with it. I practiced shakin' what I've got. And I came to this forum to learn more about anal and well, you can imagine what happened after that...

Nikki

 

[subwannabe]

I have come to the conclusion that this a Mars/Venus thing. Men have fantasies, women don't. Of course that is oversimplification but the older I get the more I believe it is true most of the time. Maybe a woman's fantasy is getting married or having a significant other and once they have achieved that fantasy then there aren't any others. Males, on the other hand, were preprogrammed to want to propagate the species so their fantasies don't ever stop. Having said that, before my wife and I were married I tied her up and teased her mercilessly until just at the right moment I asked her what her fantasies were. I was shocked and astounded when she confessed that she would like to be fucked in the ass. I would have never have guessed that at the time. Try that but don't forget the possibility that she is telling you the truth and that she doesn't have fantasies anymore.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Q.e.d

If we take subwannabe's comment here, and if we read in in the light of what some of the women have said in this thread-- what conclusions do we draw?

 

[LucyH]

You could also try some gentle yes and no questions, asking her if she's ever thought about this or that. Start off with some pretty tame/common stuff. If you mention it first, it may feel safer to her to 'fess up to thinking about it.

It may be that she was into some crazy stuff back then, and maybe even still likes to think about it, but back then, the stakes weren't so high. If her boyfriend thought she was a freak (in a bad way) she could start over in a new relationship. She's married now. If she tells you something and you take it badly, it could haunt her for a looooonnng time and damage a relationship that's very important to her.

 

[Cherry_Rose]

I wouldn't rule out that she has fantasies, I have some pretty complex fantasies I fall back on when I'm flying solo, but my husband is the one who doesn't speak up, I think being really comfortable with myself, helped him share with me.

I think women are encouraged to be a bit repressed about their fantasies, I have girlfriends who are scandalised when they realise how candid I am. To the OP, what generation your wife comes from, and what how she was raised to see herself I think will dictate her responses, so maybe approaching those issues. Perhaps she feels ashamed about her desires and wants (if you don't want to call them 'fantasies').

Just my two cents

 

[MarriedXXXMilf]

She might feel ashamed at the thoughts she has, or is afraid you will judge her for them. You could try watching porn with her and asking her how she feel about certain types...(interracial/gangbang/mmf/mff/gloryhole)...whatever you think she might like and go from their...ensure you won't judge her and maybe share some of yours with her...starting with the least taboo.

 

[amofiga]

<<< I have come to the conclusion that this a Mars/Venus thing. Men have fantasies, women don't. >>>

I tend to disagree with this and agree with Cherry Rose and MarriedxxxMilf. I think most women (ok not all) do indeed have some fantasies and some fairly explicit and erotic ones. I think that humans are humans, whether male or female, and have many of the same thoughts, needs, lusts, etc but that women are more conditioned to surpress them by schools, church, parents, peers because they aren't "ladylike". It's almost a cliche, "I had better leave the room and let you gentlemen to your cigars and dirty jokes."

I've had some women confide some rather strong (albeit common) fantasies of being gang banged or being "forced" to have sex while others watched or have sex with a stranger they happen to meet at the airport. However, they are afraid to tell their husbands or boyfriends out of fear of being judged negatively. They may sense that many men are more insecure about their sexuality than most want to show. They worry about losing their SO to a richer or more powerful or more sexually desirable man and thinking that their SO thinks about it causes problems.

Some men just want to know (as in my case) because they sincerely want to help their wives or girlfriends enjoy them. Unfortunately, I've also learned over the years that sometimes the reality is not as good as the fantasy. What seems like a fantastic thing in the mind or the "porno flic" is not always as easily choreographed, nor runs as easily and smoothly in real life.

 

[klippert]

some people aren't programed like that

Mrs K was a fantasy a minute. since she's been in a sexless funk, their hasn't been a peep about sexual fantasies, let alone her interest in sex at all.

some people might no be programed like you or I. The obvious truth between men and woman, besides THE obvious. Men are visual.
Ex: I've asked Mrs K. what she thinks about when she's pleasuring herself...she tells me nothing....now she might be thinking of something and embarrassed about it, who knows. Me on the other hand...I can get off, think about her past sexual adventures. The stories she told me.

I'm sure everyone has something in there....but not everyone wishes too talk about it. I can tell you this. You keep pestering her, she either going too drop a bomb..."I'm not thinking about your small dick, if you want to know"...or worse Tell you to shut the hell up about it, and cold shoulder you... Just kidding about the priority....

 

[ubupboston]

Yes I tend to agree that some women won't discuss, It took years before my SO told me and it was only because her girlfriend was over and after some drinks things turned to sex.
Her friend told some stories about there past and it was only then, that my SO let hers slip.